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Contact OW

Bulcy posted 1/12/2021 08:12 AM


My BS and I made the decision to contact two of my AP's. We want to get their story of how the our relationships started, built and ultimately ended. With a view to this being compared to my timeline. I messaged them through Facebook and Linked in.

The messages were discussed and reviewed by BS for leading content and that they were of sufficient tone to not be overly friendly, aggressive,nasty, etc. Just the right tone and content that these women MIGHT just feel some empathy towards BS and I and help. I made it clear that I hold no animosity to them and do not blame them for anything that happened and that I take full responsibility for my actions.

Well, this was done on Sunday and as yet we've heard nothing. We even added a line in the message saying along the lines of "If you do not feel you can help with this request, please respond saying so and I will accept that at least I tried"

So, have any of you done this and how long did you wait for a reply before giving up hope? Even if you have not, I would value your opinions.

Bulcy posted 1/12/2021 08:38 AM

Mods can you please remove stop sign. BS please feel free to post. I forgot to untick

SI Staff posted 1/12/2021 10:21 AM

The Stop Sign has been removed from this thread. Betrayed Spouses may now post.

Buck posted 1/12/2021 10:46 AM

Are you contacting the AP from the 2003 PA? What about the 2017 A?

Just trying to sort out what you’re doing.

hikingout posted 1/12/2021 10:56 AM

Have you considered doing a poly instead?

The only reason I asked is NC is for no new hurts. It's completely up to your BS if they want to speak to the AP, but I wonder if there is another way you can accomplish the same things without involving them. Especially since people who sleep with other married people tend to be dishonest to begin with. I mean, they could lie on worst case, but on best case it's 100 percent going to be their perception of things which is going to be different than your perception. This is going to make it seem like you are lying, even when you aren't. There will be new details that will seem like TT because I am sure they will remember details that were not significant enough to you to remember either.

I am just really not a fan too much on relying on AP's as good sources for information - especially if one was from 18 years ago. At the same time, I think it shows that you are doing what you can to build trust and the fact you were willing to do all that probably gives your BS some idea of your desire to be transparent?

HellFire posted 1/12/2021 10:57 AM

I typically stand by anything a BS needs to do to move forward. This,however, I just can't see the point.

The other women's POV don't matter. They chose to engage in an affair with a married man. They were ok with all that entails. Thats all anyone needs to know. Contacting them only empowers them. It gives them ego kibble. Or,if they are remorseful, and trying to reconcile with their husbands, it is an intrusion in HIS life. Maybe he doesn't want his wife to remember all those good feelings they had during during affair.

If they have husbands, asking this is of their WW is so very inappropriate.

And telling them you don't blame them just feeds their ego. Yes, you are married and 100% responsible for your actions. However, as a human being, they are 100% responsible for their actions as well. Telling them you don't blame them might endear you to them even more than you were.

You had closed the window to them. And bow you've opened a door.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:58 AM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

pinkpggy posted 1/12/2021 11:17 AM

I agree with Hellfire. If I was to be contacted by my affair partner I would be horrified and not reply. That time has passed, and frankly I have moved on with my life and demanding a reply is way out of bounds at this point. No contact is there for a reason. You should focus on moving forward and doing your own healing and figuring out what that looks like. No one elses version of their truth/story is going to help you.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 11:20 AM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

TX1995 posted 1/12/2021 11:42 AM

BS here. While I understand that your BS might want some confirmation, I would agree with others that this might not be the best way to go about this - especially with a long passage of time from your As.

I like HO's idea of a poly. I had my WH do a real and thorough timeline after he disclosed everything and then we visited the polygrapher to attest that the timeline was valid.

Honestly, I would not want the AP to contact us with anything other than an apology directed to me. And even then, I would not respond in any way. As far as I'm concerned, she and her H were complicit with my H in keeping the truth of the A a secret for so long and they can all fuck off about that. (said in the most Christian and loving way of course! )

If she tried to contact my H in any way, she'd be getting crickets as well. And if she pressed, We'd send her a cease and desist. She would be having ZERO direct contact with my H. If her H contacted my H for "information" I would probably have him reply with an apology and a request for no contact, then crickets.

As an aside, your APs should be blocked on your end from contacting you in any way. Perhaps you are also blocked on their end?

No new contacts = no new hurts is said around here for good reason.

Chaos posted 1/12/2021 12:01 PM

BS here - and NC is NC.

I'd be more concerned if you did hear from AP than if you didn't.

No good can come from opening that portal.

Timeline, poly, whatever you can do on your end to reassure BS is fine. But leave that NC door firmly closed. An open door [no matter why it was opened] is still breached.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/13/2021 10:56 AM

I'd have advised against it, but what's done is done now.

You really think a former AP will give any sort of honest answer? They could just as easily really decide to fuck with you as not respond.

About a year ago I was starting to feel bad about all the lying I did to my AP. I strung her along big time. Part of me wanted to cleanse my guilt by giving her an apology (some of the 12 steps got to me in a warped way). Anyway the gallery here soundly advised against breaking NC. Once I looked at it, yeah, it was a really dumb idea on my part. I see now I was trying to make myself feel better instead of working on my issues.

Bulcy, that stuff is all ashes on the floor now.

You won't fix your M, or help your BW, by trying to go this route.

The only way forward is to demonstrate through daily actions that you are working on being open and honest. You BW is probably trying to grasp for something to reassure her. Only you can do that over time. No quick fix.

sisoon posted 1/13/2021 13:55 PM

In any case, the recipient decides if an email is intrusive or not. An ap who is healing may very well decide to ignore your request for some sort of response.

Personally, I don't care how important a reply may be to the sender - I'll respond only if I want to respond.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:56 PM, January 13th (Wednesday)]

gmc94 posted 1/13/2021 19:49 PM

BS here:

You really think a former AP will give any sort of honest answer? They could just as easily really decide to fuck with you as not respond.
My dday (3yrs ago today, as a matter of fact) was largely timed bc my WH's AP reached out to ME.
And while she did give me enough info for me to institute project Nancy Drew (downloading his computer files, etc), the lies she told me were devastating. If if my WH's timeline of the PA is to be believed, what she told me was in some ways worse than what they actually did (eg that the PA began while we were dating, and continued throughout our EARLY years - dating, newlyweds, and while actively trying to conceive DD and ended when DD was born, but he'd been hounding her for sex for the 20 years since). So, that's my perspective.....

from WH's perspective, I'm pretty sure he is still (3 yrs later) shocked and confused about (a) why she reached out to me and (b) why she lied. She basically betrayed HIM by telling me anything, and made it worse by the lying.

So - while you've already reached out, I would probably be thankful that the AP(s) have not replied, cuz if they were to lie, you would be in a boatload of crap. And your BS is then thrust into a whole new trauma of dis-reality and who the F do I believe stuff (which is AWFUL).

And if you somehow think your AP(s) "would never do that", you can (a) look to my experience, or (b) remember that there is NO honor amongst thieves.


[This message edited by gmc94 at 7:53 PM, January 13th, 2021 (Wednesday)]

Kate88 posted 1/14/2021 12:38 PM

BS here.

AP (without requesting!!!) send a great deal of "her version" of the relationship both to me and to WB. Basically her way of trying to get rid of me.

It was quite excruciating to read, but it was also exaggerated, contradictory and based on her own fantasy world where he would fall in love with her and leave me.

I was able to dissect it sentence by sentence and compare it to the messages between them and see the "story" she was giving was really total nonsense.

For example "you didn't want this to end", compares with dozens of messages saying he wanted it to end and her begging him.

Another example "you wanted this to start as much as I did", compares with dozens of messages of him saying he did not want anything romantic with her.

So I think what you're doing makes a bit of sense from BS perspective because we want "the truth", but I really think APs are probably not a reliable source of truth.

They have inflated and created a narrative in their head, often of a love story and making themselves the victim and it's probably not reality.

A better way might be for BS to write down every statement and decide if they feel in their gut if it's true or not.

For example, "I really regret the affair" and go from there. If there's anything BS feels in their gut isn't true - work on that, because their gut is likely to be right and there might be a story you have told yourself.

BluerThanBlue posted 1/15/2021 07:03 AM

I completely disagree with your BS’s approach with this. The state of your marriage is NOT your APs’ business and never was. If she can’t trust her own spouse to be completely forthcoming— to the point that she needs to reach out to an enemy of the marriage for clarity— then she shouldn’t be with you.

And, quite frankly, it’s not your APs’ responsibility to help you fix your marriage and it blows my mind that either you or your wife thinks that someone who participated in its destruction would want to give you a hand in rebuilding it.

I confronted my ex’s AP and it was probably the most humiliating experience of my life. She enjoyed gloating and making me feel like garbage. I would never wish that experience on anyone.

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