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Relationship green lights

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JanaGreen posted 1/27/2021 06:47 AM

An old coworker of mine posted this on facebook. I feel like it may have actually been posted here before, but I really liked it so I wanted to share it.


-They apologize when they are wrong
-Their words and behaviors align
-They encourage your connections with others (friends, family)
-They speak about their ex-partners with respect
-They communicate clearly and honestly
-They set, honor, and respect boundaries
-They show up authentically and offer you space to do the same
-They are intentional about resolving conflict
-They are actively working on growth and healing
-They share compatible goals for the relationship
-They make you feel seen, heard, and appreciated

Palmetto9213 posted 1/27/2021 09:07 AM

Thank you for sharing this! These truly are the 'green lights' that are soooo important for a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, I didn't look for these in the past, but now I know I deserve these and so I deliberately look for these as I move forward in my NB

EllieKMAS posted 1/27/2021 10:34 AM

I would also add:

-They have and maintain healthy long term friendships.
-They display healthy behaviors and attitudes to and about their families.
-They have tidy habits (ie - house is relatively clean, their laundry is done, bed made etc)
-They love animals (for me this one is non-negotiable!)
-They have a good sense of humor and laugh readily and easily.
-They do not act superior.

JanaGreen posted 1/27/2021 12:40 PM

Ellie, times 1000 on the animals! My ex was so mean to my cats, my current partner makes sure he speaks to and pets all three of mine before he leaves for work. He calls them baby more than he calls me baby.

countrydirt posted 1/28/2021 10:42 AM

- They ask a question and then actually listen to the answer.
- When they ask to borrow something and then ask you to come along with it to show them how to use it.

OwningItNow posted 1/29/2021 04:33 AM

I love this list. It's excellent. But I have one question that I know many of us wonder: what if you get most of the list but one or two are not fully on point? It's the dumb gray area relationships that mess with our heads.

Does a good relationship need to check every single box immediately?

JanaGreen posted 1/29/2021 09:39 AM

OIN, I don't know.

My partner does all these things. I don't. I don't always speak about my ex-husband respectfully. Reason being that he does things now, in the present, that cause me to be angry on behalf of my children. So am I a red flag because I get mad and vent? I just don't know.

grubs posted 1/29/2021 12:24 PM

Does a good relationship need to check every single box immediately?

No, but any unchecked ones should be moving towards checks after being discussed. e.g I know I still struggle with the tidy one four years into the marriage, but the effort and improvement is there.

EllieKMAS posted 1/29/2021 13:38 PM

Does a good relationship need to check every single box immediately?
I think some of these (at least for me) are non-negotiables. The others? I think so long as each partner is working towards them it's okay. Progress, not perfection.

shakentocore posted 1/30/2021 12:47 PM

They honor their commitments, including plans they make with you.

Hedwig posted 1/31/2021 02:33 AM

Green flags are so important because if you focus on someone not having red flags, you end up with the bare minimum and that's frustrating as hell!

Tallgirl posted 1/31/2021 13:00 PM

Super list.

siracha posted 2/20/2021 17:43 PM

The hal mark of an Honest person is the need to share something for honesties sake ...even when its not to their direct advantage . Well done on him

66charger posted 2/20/2021 21:32 PM

They have tidy habits (ie - house is relatively clean, their laundry is done, bed made etc)

Is this really part of the "relationship green light" list? Speaking for those who enjoy all of life, (male and female), sometimes you do not have time to do the tidy.

[This message edited by 66charger at 1:09 AM, February 21st (Sunday)]

Shehawk posted 2/21/2021 09:47 AM

I think that speaking respectfully should be replaced by speaking honestly. I don't have any intention of speaking positively or respectfully about the chex (cheating ex) because of his continued behavior. That said, I think emotional disengagment is important. I am working on that and also working on taking responsibility for my part in being with a cheater one second after I found out the first time.

So if I am in a relationship, that's as good as it will get. Yellow flag maybe?

JanaGreen posted 2/21/2021 23:00 PM

I like that, Shehawk.

EllieKMAS posted 2/22/2021 09:15 AM

Is this really part of the "relationship green light" list? Speaking for those who enjoy all of life, (male and female), sometimes you do not have time to do the tidy.
Hey sometimes my floors don't get mopped or the laundry gets skipped. Life happens.

But my mom always told me this and I have generally found it to be true - how you keep your home is how you keep your life. My xwh was laaaaaazy. When he would 'do the tidy', he did a lazy half-assed sloppy job at it. And that was very telling for who he was in a lot of areas of his life - job, relationships, ambition, etc.

On the surface this seems silly but bear with me. I like the bed being made, it's just a thing for me. When I was with the x, I was the one working. I got up and left the house by 6 am usually. He would stay in bed til 9 or 10 and then get up and do his gym time or video game time or lord only knows what. He wouldn't make the bed, or when he did he would do it sloppily because "he didn't care about it". Yes, seems silly that this became such a bone of contention, but the underlying issue there was that he didn't care enough to make the slightest effort for his wife. And when he DID choose to make the effort it was in a fuck-you half-assed way.

For me, the tidy thing on my list as a green flag. I don't expect a Decorator's Digest level of neatness, but do expect a certain level of pride in having a tidy well-kept space. It shows a level of care and self-awareness that I will not go without in a partner again.

JanaGreen posted 2/22/2021 09:57 AM

Oh lawd y'all I'm fixing to vent.

Ellie, my ex worked from home and when my son was a newborn and daughter in kindergarten, he would sit around and eat all day, pile up dishes on the island and in the kitchen, and leave for the gym right as I was pulling in from work with both kids. He'd leave me to feed and bathe both kids, get them to bed. I'd stagger out of the bedroom after nursing my son to sleep, right as he was strolling through the door high on endorphins and drooling over gym bunnies, and then refuse to do the dishes so that I would have bottles in the morning (I'll do it in the morning - no, that won't work, I need clean bottles for daycare - well, go to bed, I'll get them - and of course if I did that, if get up in the morning and be screwed because NO CLEAN BOTTLES) - so I'd have to wade through his pile of dirty dishes while he chilled on the couch - usually got done with dishes just in time for the baby to wake up for the first of 100 times.

I'm far, far from a neat freak. There are lots of toys lying around my house and a fair amount of cat hair. But on a certain level, doing your fair share around the house shows respect. My partner can't stand it when the garage light is on. I couldn't care less about that but because it bugs him I make an effort to turn it off. It drives me bananas when he drapes his ""half-dirty" clothes over the basket of clean but unmatched socks. So he stopped that. I can't STAND dirty dishes in the sink overnight (because of the Dish Hell scenario described above), so whoever doesn't cook, cleans the dishes. Neither of us is great at keeping a photo shoot ready home, but at least we both feel like the other is trying.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:03 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]

EllieKMAS posted 2/22/2021 10:32 AM

Jana - did yours do the thing too where he'd say 'I'll do it' then wouldn't do it then if you brought it up he'd get pissed??

Mine did that about things. I'd ask for something to be done. He'd do his typical sloppy thing. Then I would do it the right way. Then he'd get pissed '(sarcastic dumb voice) why'd you ask me to do it if you were just gonna do it anyways?' Or would get pissed at me cus I 'wouldn't ask for help'.

*slap slap slap* OMG I am so glad I live by myself now LOL

JanaGreen posted 2/22/2021 10:47 AM

Yes, absolutely. I eventually just did everything myself without asking him because he wouldn't do it anyway and it just made me madder to ask.

I have a LOT of feelings about that time in my life. A LOT.

Editing, and this makes me sad. My daughter used to ask me if I needed help when I was getting overwhelmed, and I'd always say no out of habit. Then one time she said, "Mom, why do you always say you don't need help when you obviously do?" I was a bit taken aback. She was maybe 9? It really made me think about how I had been conditioned. She's so wise sometimes.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:49 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]

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