Gottagetthrough posted 2/14/2021 12:04 PM

I am tired. Wh never helps

My house is a mess. Wh never helps

I am scared to start over. Scared that i cant live without his paycheck (where is that?) or without his help (that he never gives)

I take our son to school every day. I take the cars in for servicing and walk the baby in his stroller throughout the car lot, i dont have WH to pick me up and drive me home! Once I had to get a cab to and from from my daughter’s medical appointment because WH couldnt be bothered to take us home, and I didnt have a car due to a car accident.

Barcher144 said this is like the movie the matrix. Take the red pill and see what life can be, or take the blue pill and go back to life as you know it.

I am fat, depressed, tired. I dont have social interaction like i used to. Family members are sick with cancer. Life has thrown so many lemons.

How do i get out of this hole?! Ive got to start making decisions. Im just stagnant, waiting for life to happen.

Thank you for listening.

EllieKMAS posted 2/14/2021 12:14 PM

Well... You're already making it just fine without him Gotta. I worried about it too at the beginning but you know what? Once he left, my life was so much easier without having to deal with my own self AND his dead weight too.

As for the rest. Life sometimes seems to shit all over us all at once. Been there, done that. All I can say is that it's all temporary. Even if it feels overwhelming, this too shall pass.

Just keep going and you'll find smoother water soon.

(((Gotta)))

BearlyBreathing posted 2/14/2021 12:33 PM

You are already doing the single mom thing. But with a third big baby.

Have you really looked at a budget if you D? It may not be as bad as you fear.

Just remember that nothing changes... until you change.
And you’ll do it when you have had enough.

(((GGT)))

skeetermooch posted 2/14/2021 14:28 PM

GGT,

You will find once you're alone, without the stress of living with the disappointment and whatever else this dolt is doing and just the drain of his presence, you will have more energy and ease in your life. As Ellie said, you are doing it all and with a huge black cloud of a cheater hanging over you.

BB made a great suggestion - crunch the numbers to see what the financial reality is - add in whatever child support you can reasonably expect - you may be okay.

CallingSpades posted 2/14/2021 21:42 PM

Gotta, I think most of us have those fears, moms especially. So, I hear you.

One thing I had to deal with was learning to ask for & accept help from people that aren't my spouse. I'm lucky to have family close by, but it's still a learning process to accept that you don't have to do it all on your own or die trying. Is there anyone close that you can reach out to? Even friends that I fell out of touch with have been there for me when I needed it, even during COVID. Neighbors and coworkers (all basically acquaintances, not people I'm close to) have also helped, like when I needed to move furniture or when my car battery died. I was really uncomfortable asking for help, but in the end it wasn't a big deal at all.

I feel like that's something you can start to do now, since clearly you've had situations where you need a hand, and you can do that without making any long term decisions about your M. It helps to know that you've got even one person who will come pick you up if you need it.

Most people like to help someone in need, even if you're not that close. I hope if you don't have someone now, you can feel that it's ok to put yourself out there and ask for a hand once in a while. You're worth it!

barcher144 posted 2/15/2021 07:54 AM

Have you really looked at a budget if you D? It may not be as bad as you fear.

I agree with this 100%.

My xWW had similar concerns about our divorce. The reality is, after our divorce, that she literally has a higher net income than me.

Have you seen a lawyer? You should be able to get a good idea of what you can expect financially, both during the divorce and after, during an initial consultation.

tushnurse posted 2/15/2021 08:45 AM

(((Gotta))))

Don't you have a post-nup? Is it enforceable?
Start here, then make a budget.

I think losing that 200lbs of dead weight will be quite freeing for you.

Also stop with the negative self talk. Stop beating yourself up that you have a few extra pounds on board. You are an awesome mom of 3. You are smart strong, and fierce.

Lastly who cares if the house is a mess, if it's clean enough that DFS won't come take the kids, that's all that matters as a mom that worked full time, I can tell you more than once my house was not only a mess but dirty too, and I gotta tell you the older I get, and I realize when I am dead and gone no one will care that the house was clean and neat. I will be remembered for being a good mom, who was always willing to drop whatever I was doing to do things with my kids, and go on adventures with them. Things like raising ducklings on my dining room table, will be much more memorable.

Start being kind to yourself. I think you will find you are a pretty awesome person.

crazyblindsided posted 2/15/2021 11:08 AM

(((Gotta))) you have done it before and you can do it again. You are one strong mama. Build yourself up again. Do something that makes you happy every day and start making it so that every step forward is another step towards yourself and freedom from pain. Even do a legal separation so you are protected financially. Hopefully one day it will be easier for you to leave. You did sound more relaxed when you stayed with family away from him. Take whatever time you need.

Karmafan posted 2/17/2021 04:04 AM

GGT,

I was sitting at the table with my three children having pancakes on Shrove Tuesday and my eldest said to me: mum, today it’s five years exactly since dad left. She remembered it being on Pancake Day. And I realised that I hardly remember life with him. What I do remember though, is how much lighter l felt after he left. Of course, I had to go through the motions, grieved the marriage, felt hopeless, had zero self-esteem, but what was inescapable from the very beginning is how much easier life felt without someone who: never helped; was never grateful for or appreciative of anything; criticised everything I said/did/cooked; was always in a bad mood.

My house now is a oasis of peace and tranquillity compared to what it was. Of course, with two teenagers on the go, there’s often conflicts and shouting and moods, but nothing compared to the toxicity and claustrophobia of those days.

Financially, you may be pleasantly surprised at what you can do on your own. We really do not need that much to restart, and it is easy to economise on food with young kids: I now shop for meals rather than impulse-buying a lot of junk. It saves a fortune and it’s healthier too. You can also get rid of all the things that benefitted him but you have no real use for (or are no longer your problem): in my case that was alcohol, sports channels, (his) loans and credit card payments etc.

You have to take the plunge. It’s hard, but you owe it to yourself and your children to at least try to be happy. A lot of us are a testament that it really is sunnier on the other side, and that, more often than not, you end up a much happier, healthier and stronger version of yourself. But you have to believe it.