SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Feb.

I was dealing with the direct consequences of infidelity 17 years after my D-day and in another relationship than the one that ended with infidelity. Expecting you to “get over it” in 3 weeks is not realistic.

However – and this is a big however – time is NOT the big factor in recovery. If you do nothing else but pass time then the only thing that will happen is that you get used to living with the pain and learn to work around it. What you really need to do is work THROUGH it. That’s what caused me to take 17 years. I never dealt with the trust issues from the infidelity and projected them on future relationships. The work I did with the counselor after 17 years – I could have done in the second or third year.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that yes – you have to get over it BUT it requires tremendous work and that work will take time.

I like to use this comparison: Say you live a relatively typical but sedate lifestyle. You work too much, sleep too little, drink too much, exercise too little, eat unhealthy, watch too much TV and take too much for granted. One day you feel a pain going down your left arm and next thing you know you wake up in hospital after a serious life-saving cardiac operation. Right now that’s where your marriage is – barely alive after a very serious event.

Now – when you get out you have some choices to make. You CAN go back to your old life or you can change things around.

Do the former and chances are that some time down the road there will be a repeat. Maybe one you don’t survive.

So let’s assume you do the later and make the changes. You start to exercise. You start to balance work and free time. You deal with stress situations. You start to eat healthier. Now – three days after cutting out fast-food the scales won’t have changed much and your body won’t really feel any better BUT a month later, six months later, a year later… things will really have changed.

If you stick to it then three years after you start your life-transformation you might be looking at your body in a mirror and you will notice all the positive changes and you will appreciate them. You will realize that many of the changes you made were hard but worth it. Many of the things you sacrificed you missed at first but not so much now. There won’t be any regrets about the sacrifices or the changes you made. BUT the big scar on your chest, right where your heart is, will ALWAYS remind you what was the catalyst that made you do the changes.

And that's why he's called "Bigger", folks. It describes his brain...

Hey everyone...

Sorry to those of you who took offense to this survey...

I have always used humour to deal with things, and this "survey" was posted as a way of coping with my complete frustration with my WS.

I thought the utter ridiculousness of the question and the sarcastic way it was posed was clear.

I hope a least a few people saw through it and laughed (becasue that's better than crying), and again, I apologize to anyone who was hurt by it.

I Knew it would be 100% no...

My husband was busted 6 months ago when he ass-dialed me on his date with his girlfriend and I listened for 10 minutes.

The answer for me is NO -- not even close to being over it even though the MC said give it 6 months.

Why 21 days? That would be impossible. You may be able to move past it, but I doubt you will ever forget.

Obviously your MC hasn't been betrayed/cheated on before if she said 6 months. Even at 6 months it was still like hell on earth.

The other thing is...of course I will never be able to share the results with her...this is my safe place and I have no intention of letting her know about it...it was just my way of venting about her impatience.

No, no, no, never in a milion years in 21 days....maybe not even 21 years!

My DDay was Feb 1985----

I have not gotten over it yet nor do I expect to.

26 years of misery. All because I did not have the guts to leave her.

I am 76 years old.

Nov will be 10 yrs since d-day, the affair was 10 yrs earlier and no I'm not over it. I think about it every single day. Especially when I look at her

Ummm...no. I am almost 9 months out Ring well and there is no way I have moved on as a "happy, well-adjusted person immune to triggers and mind-movies"

In fact I triggered today without a new catalyst.

No Nope Nada Nine No way. Going on 2 months and still hurts as bad as first day.

No

No

In the first 21 days after DD, if there were a facility for shocked and bereaved BS's... I would have been admitted as an extreme emergency - tranquilized and given forced feedings. Received special help with bathing and getting dressed.

Luckily, I found SI for rehab with my "new" normal... I am just entering 9 months out and I am still no way near being "okay"

No way!!

Am still deep in the anger stage. And I am scary!!

Hope to be free of the pain of betrayal some day.

Not even close. 5 weeks since Dday and I'm still stuck there! It's driving me crazy!

sorry double posted, see below

[This message edited by sunningdalelad at 3:46 AM, March 4th (Friday)]

Obviously you knew the answer from all BS on here would be a resounding no because despite the hurt you have suffered you have intelligence. Try asking your WS to put herself in your position and then ask herself if she would get over it in 21 days if you had an A.If she answers yes then she is truly without heart and soul and may not be worth fighting for.

To complete your survey it might be interesting to have the views of some of our WSs on this site, would they realistically have expected their BS to get over it so quickly and did any do so.

I just passed my 6mos Dday last week - and for the most part I think I was able to come to terms with it better than most - I found out it was a ONS about 3 years ago so it was easy to forgive (not forget). It still hurts to the core of my very being- more than that is the trust issues I now have - do I believe ANYTHING he says anymore?

I only found out because I caught him emailing women on those hook up sites. That actually hurt more than finding out about the actual ONS -maybe because he was out looking again - when I thought everything was good in our relationship.

On the plus side- he is completely remorseful (or so it seems). A day doesn't go by where he isn't attentive and affectionate.

but my answer would have to be NO... after 6 months I still find myself wanting to sit down and curl into a ball and cry my heart out. It upsets him when I get like this -and he says it kills him to see me like this and will spend the rest of his life making up for his stupidity (his words).

BWWWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ((SNORT))

Oh man, good one.

No, no one gets over betrayal in 21 days. Well, unless they die within 21 days and there isn't mourning and stress in the hereafter.

Is there anyone on here who has completely gotten over the discovery of their WS's affair in 21 days and moved on as a happy, well-adjusted person immune to triggers and mind-movies?

When I stop the answer is NO!