SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tren0R201 please post respectively or stay off this thread.

Fox,

You must focus on your actions from here on out - not hers or her shitbag adultery guy.

Stop trying to figure out how they could and why they would do such a thing.

Trying to figure out their mindset will not help the situation.

Fact is, she is in her NPD fantasy world and every fantasy story has a Princess, a Prince, and a Villain.

Guess what role you've been involuntarily cast as?

The point is to pull yourself out of their fantasy world.

Very few adulterous spouses are worth attempting to reconcile with.

Yours is very much like mine - she was way, way, way beyond the point of no return.

As I mentioned before, you WILL be happy and relieved to no longer be with this person.

I GUARANTEE IT.

Focus completely on getting away from her and her adultery guy's fucked up world - you don't belong there.

I completely relate to having to raise children with a narcissistic, delusional, backstabbing piece of lying shit.

I believe you mentioned you were not married to this woman?

If so, that's FUCKING AWESOME!

Then it's a matter of custody of your daughter.

I was scared as hell becoming a single dad.

I really enjoy it now.

I know that when my kids are with me, they are in an environment where there are no lies, no secrets, and we are all living authentically.

There is safety for them in that.

Consult with a few attorneys who are child-custody specialists and hire the one you feel best with - preferably one who is aggressive.

Get this going for you and your daughter and stop trying to figure out your ex and her bad-boy.

Her behavior has nothing to do with you or your former relationship - nothing.

Leave her to be his problem.

Fuck them - it's about you and your daughter and that's it.

Get some therapy.

Get a custody lawyer.

Pick yourself up...dust yourself off...and start taking the action necessary to put this year long nightmare behind you. Please start fighting for your daughter...get her the hell away from these sick people. At least get some partial custody.

The only way to get unstuck from this shitstorm is to unstick yourself. Start taking control...no one is going to do it for you.

Your a better man than me. I would have beat him to the ground and gone after his wife and messed up my custody case

I only read your first post. My feeling is that you're a doormat. I'd suggest you implement the 180 and get your head on straight. Then get a new job and begin your new life. Leave your ex and her new partner behind. Fate will catch up with them both soon. Do what the court says in order to spend time with your daughter if that's what you want to do. Stop allowing others to control your life. Take charge and move forward. To hell with anyone who doesn't have your best interests in mind. Take care of yourself. Work out at the gym. Make yourself feel good about you. Ignore toxic people.

You need to get a restraining order at the least against the OM, seems you may be able to press charges with the death "threat" stuff. start there and then detach from their bizarre lives and try to get custody of your daughter. You need to get a handle on yourself and then go from there.

You need to understand that none of this is your fault, they have to attack you in order to justify the affair and its very common. When people cheat they automatically become the "bad guy" so they have to make up excuses to why the BS deserves it for their own selfish wants. Not only that, they hope if they beat you down you won't fight back.

You are being disrespected and need to get angry, don't try to rationalize with them, they are basically dumb animals at this point.

The odds are that long term their relationship will fail and even her crawling back in a few months talking about what a mistake she made and such. That's just how these things go.

My advice is to listen to everyone else's advice. This isn't rocket science,in these situations everyone follows a script (even what you are feeling is textbook) so we know how this is going to end and how navigate through this hard time in your life. It might not feel like the right thing but trust us, in hindsight you will see what we see.

5 years from now this will be a distance memory and there a chance you could be married to someone you haven't even met yet and expecting another child. As bad as your situation is right now, it will end up just be a footnote in your life overall and one day you'll be here posting advice for the next guy. Its not the end of the world even if it feels that way right now but all these feelings are temporary.

let's cut to the chase.

Do you have an attorney and are you filing for divorce ?

What is the status of your house ? Is she in it or are you ?

What else are you doing to defend yourself ?

I'm writing the story......it's taking some time.

Either way....

8 months...... I'm better than I was.

I have serious anxiety.

Sure......I sound like a door mat........I'm not. When she did all this there was not much of a choice and I was left in a very bad situation.......

I have torn this affair apart and understand it. Way to much

The anxiety comes from the no win situation.

I'm going to be a single dad. She's messed us up bad.

Broke two homes.

Silent treatments

My daughter doesn't understand. Her home was taken. I don't see her yet. I am not established but I am at a friends house in a safe place to heal from it.

My family is gone......

Tears are coming just writing this.

I understand NPD to an extreme case.....

I just asked my friend how stuck I am.....he said 7 10 being the worst.

Mostly mental.........I'm stuck and when I say I'm stuck it's a reality for me.

Yes.......omg.......I have been cast as the villain.

My rage and anger goes in and out so much........switching between being ok and not being ok.

I am stuck.

If anyone would talk to me on the phone or messenger that has the patience. I welcome it. I'm not going to fall apart or some depressed mad man. I have no bad habits and I'm a pretty normal guy. I'm not even unconfident....

I've been beat up pretty good. Not just the cheating.....

A lot of it. It takes a lot to knock me off center this bad.....

Oh......have I been knocked. Hard to admit but it's obvious.

Therapy.......not gonna help me..

Hearing words of experienced telling me how it will be ok and maybe how to handle her.

I can not talk to her

I can explain to her

Or I can be nice....

Her work doesn't know......I've thought about exposing her there and it should happen

But that seems like revenge.......and I don't want revenge.

Should I expose her affair to her workplace or is that revenge?

[This message edited by Fox2 at 1:57 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

I know you said in your first post "I do not want to talk about my daughter" but man the fuck up. Your daughter is literally the only real thing that matters in anything you've written about.

We're all feeling the pain from infidelity and all the different situations spiraling around here. Quit playing your Ex's games and be strong for your DAUGHTER. I am extremely worried for her. This guys your ex has found doesn't seem like he should anywhere near a 4 year old girl.

Please get it together for your daughter. Nothing else matters.

I hope that you are able to settle yourself down for long enough to read this post with some measure of clarity. So take a deep breath, get yourself under control, and process the following:

Every single one of us on this message board has been through some variation of the same trauma. Yours is no better and no worse than any other. Infidelity sucks. Period.

That being said, if you WANT help, then there are certain things that you need to do. You first posted two weeks ago - now it is time to act. And that means not going off the rails or becoming emotionally despondent. It means getting up, putting one foot in front of the other, and taking steps to help yourself. We are all here for you but we can't show up at your home and do it for you.

How is this done? One step at a time and focusing on you.

1. See your doctor. You are clearly traumatized. Get some medication to help balance your emotions.

2. See an attorney. Find out your rights. File for divorce and file for whatever custody you can get for your daughter.

3. Make sure your finances are secure.

4. ZERO contact with your wife unless it is 100% about your kid. If necessary, have ALL communication go through your attorney.

It has been two weeks since you first posted. Have you made a doctor's appointment yet? Have you seen an attorney?

If you haven't done these two things then you haven't yet taken a step toward helping yourself. If you won't/can't do that, how are we able to help you?

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 4:33 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

I didn't read every single post. But, first, your ex and the OM are bad people and they are bullies. She needed him to bring out the bully in her but it's there. People like that need to take others down to lift themselves up. You think she was a good person at one time but she wasn't. She could never have become who she is now if she was. She let you see little bits and pieces of it here and there but you have blocked that because she had a mask on. He helped her take the mask off.

You need therapy. Not pastor therapy from your mom, serious therapy to help you with the ptsd. EMDR might work. The fact that you black out during triggers is a possible indicator that this is not the first time you've been abused in your life. Those of us who were abused in the past develop recurrent PTSD from new abuse. We are, in essence, more ripe for PTSD and in a stronger form because of what we endured. You need real help for this because your daughter really does need you but you are right in that you can't be an effective father as long as you are paralyzed by trauma.

I do not know how to help you let go of your ex but under no circumstances should you take her back. Someone who would say and do the things she has done is not emotionally healthy and will never be without extensive therapy and a desire to become a good person. And she is also a danger to your child. You may think she is a good mother but good mothers do not poison their children against their father. Narcissists do that. Sociopaths do that. And they make dangerous parents.

Please try to get some help with the ptsd. At the very least, try journaling to let go of obsessive thoughts. Sometimes you can let them go once you've written them down. It's almost as if they've been released. You say you are a logical man. If so, then you know the path you are on is very destructive for your psyche. I promise there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it won't come to you. You must seek it.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 4:51 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

let's cut to the chase.

Do you have an attorney and are you filing for divorce ?

What is the status of your house ? Is she in it or are you ?

What else are you doing to defend yourself ?

He said in his first couple post that they were together for 7 years but never married. He also said he lost his job and his house. He also said that in his state that he must file for paternity testing to prove he has the right to see his daughter since they weren't married. Reading really is fundamental.

See Life is Crazy's post.

I have serious anxiety.

Mostly mental.........I'm stuck and when I say I'm stuck it's a reality for me.

My rage and anger goes in and out so much........switching between being ok and not being ok.

The above quotes from your last post conflict with the following one:

Therapy.......not gonna help me..

At least see your doctor (you should get tested for STDs anyway) to discuss your moods. Medication might help you. Perhaps it's the just the manner of your posts, but you seem desperate and unfocused. Discovering infidelity can really mess with your mind, not to mention the abysmal way that your ex and the violent other man have treated you.

Tearsoflove, yes I missed much of that because I have been busy and yes my fault on that but your shot is uncalled for.

The point of the matter is that Fox is struggling and we are all trying to figure out what he is trying to do and you have to divert to take a shot at me. Not cool. BTW, I do agree with your post above but still ...

Fox, what exactly is your gameplan at this point ?

You have been told to man up by another poster. Are you willing to do this ?

[This message edited by Western at 6:44 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

Tearsoflove, yes I missed much of that because I have been busy and yes my fault on that but your shot is uncalled for.

This is coming from a man who once posted back to me asking me how forgiving my husband was "working out for me" since he'd cheated on me twice. If you can dish sarcasm out, you ought to be able to take it. My dig was pretty mild in comparison. Now back on topic.

You have been told to man up by another poster. Are you willing to do this ?

If you're going to tell the guy to "man up", the least you could do is read the whole story so you know exactly what behavior he is exhibiting that is not "manly" by your standards. Because I don't think he needs to "man up". He needs to get help. He's drowning and trying to get bigger balls is unlikely to help him find air. Vague platitudes without specifics about exactly what he could be doing are about as helpful as asking someone "how'd that work out for you."

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 8:50 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

Fox,

If you take the advice to "man up" to mean "don't be a doormat, rugsweep, or sacrifice your self-respect by doing the pick me dance", it's good advice for most of us under the circumstances of infidelity. But you aren't under normal circumstances. You are no longer with your ex so none of the typical advice applies.

What you are describing with the anxiety and the blackouts during triggers are physiological nervous system responses to trauma. "Man up" didn't work for World War I & II soldiers suffering from "shell shock". It didn't work for Korean Conflict and Vietnam War Vets suffering from "Battle Fatigue". It didn't work for Gulf War Vets suffering from "PTSD". That's because you cannot control your neurological symptoms. Your body is in fight, flight, or freeze mode. And it's not surprising. Your ex and her AP are not typical cheaters. You've been subjected to random guerilla warfare you can't prepare for. Your body is in constant alert mode because of it. Unpredictable attacks mean that you cannot relax. Your ex and the AP have engaged in every possible tactic to bully, gaslight, defame, and ambush you that has ever been thought of on these boards. I don't know if they are personality disordered or just evil. But it doesn't matter. You need professional help and it's not because you aren't "manning up". It's because you've been on edge over this for longer than your body can handle well and it has shut down on you repeatedly. And it will continue to happen each time you are ambushed. You have to get some help from a professional for the anxiety and the reflexive reactions you are having. If you do not get help for this, your health will suffer. Your body's immune system is likely compromised and the stress is probably causing damage to your organs. Please see if there is any way you can see a PTSD specialist for help. That is the very first step to you "manning up". You really need to take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 10:33 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

again Tearsoflove, not the place and time to air your grievances with me. It's a threadjack. I stand by everything I have ever said here and if you have an issue, that's what PM and Mods are for. BTW, I don't even remember your story and I wasn't even on this board when you went through your issues but maybe I said something ultimately. Regardless... I blurred two different threads with FOX here . I am not the first to do this and I won't be the last.

Fox, I simply wish you the best and I would suggest getting both a good counselor and a very good attorney to deal with the level of deceit and abuse you are receiving.

I will exit the thread rather than to stretch out this distraction

I have to man up.

I have to get my daughter back.

Therapy won't help me because the type of abuse was narcissistic. I read and read for understanding on this. Friends of mine 2 and 10 years out are still messed up by this type. I'm out 8 months and fighting it heavily.

I was a good dad......she said this early in the leaving.....as she got worse she was using my daughters love against me saying I didn't love her at all and if I did......I would do this and this and this......

She was manipulating me heavily before I knew what was even going on.

The blindside was to throw me off center and send me into a spin......and it did..very much so.....

This person showed very little signs and was good in a relationship for the most part. There was early cheating but I figured as soon as she had a child she would step up. I did.

After the blind side......I was stabbed in the back by her.....

Then her married lover who's wife left him. Or he left her.

He told me things.......wanting me to die.....wanting to watch me bleed.....telling me I lost my family because I was weak....

A beta.......

My ex stabbed me and let him twist the knife........hard.....

It was very fast and sudden abuse......more than I could take...

I fell apart.....I'm not a weak person.....

I've had the shit best out of me.

I lost my kid

My house

My phone

My job

My identity

My sanity

A person I loved

I've been through court case where she pulled a knife on me....I thought I was going to die......

She was never like this until the day she was...

I will stab you and kill you she said.

......you don't matter

......any good memory I have of you will be turned bad and I want you to fade away.

I'm taking it tonight in all three holes by all these men I'm around......they then discussed which hole....

And on......and on....and on....

She made me crazy.....o texted her through silent treatments...

She withheld my daughter and had me scared I would lose her forever.

She told me she would turn her against me. I was angry.....I texted her.......over and over..

The more I texted the more she fed off my emotions..

She would find certain things that hurt worse and use them.

I called her a married mans side piece of ass and a whore.

She kept totally calm......

She then played games

She would give me my daughter for an hour or two and then come and get her by force

The last time.....I was supposed to take her for the weekend

She dropped her off and went to the police station and got an order of protection to keep me in the dark.

Because I found out he was divorcing and she told me she wanted him to raise my daughter.

I told her it wasn't gonna happen.

And then he order.

I watched my daughter cry and hold on as the police took her...

I searched........and searched for a story like mine...

I found nothing anywhere near it....

I lost it all in a day.......and the next three months...

Hell

Therapy won't help me because of what she is. The don't know enough about it. I've talked to therapists who specialize online and they have informed me what I'm dealing with.

It made it worse.

My daughter will be turned against me. She will be told things.

And as I said

Before all this happened........no signs.

Hand holding.....I love you.......

My daughter never saw a single moment where mommy and daddy had a bad life......not one time.

My taxes aren't done

I don't have a bank account

I have a car........and all of our furniture......she gave it to me because she didn't want to move it.

It's in three cities.

I finally wine to where some of it was to see what was left. Just walked in the storage and saw my former life just sitting there.

The things she said,.......

Painful.......all meant to break me.....and it did.

The order of protection was a saving grace. Even though it cut me out it saved me.

He judge saw through it and told me to come back and establish father's rights.

I will do that.

I'm stating with a trusted friend.......I'm good there.

The information is soaking in and turning me into someone who won't be manipulated

It was all her frame......she was defining me.....telling me who I was and how to feel......

Nude pictures were sent saying fuck with the right one next time bitch....

You have to understand how fast this all happened.

The cptsd has six sided in the effects.

My brain was shutting down......I was goin completely numb and couldn't recognize anyone.

When a narcissist leaves you they want it to hurt you.....they want you broken. It's not a zero sum game even

They want you to lose......they want you in jail or badly beaten.

Emotionally.

And they like it. Can you imagine?

Coparenting with someone who is triangulating you with a guy thats like that.

They are both like that and she is mirroring his cruelty.

She listens to him

It's like he doesn't want her......he wants to hurt me and is using her and benefitting from her as well.

A sociopath......

He fucking told me........

I come into people's lives and break shit......

I am the rocky shore people break themselves on and I use women and tattoos for thearapy...

I want to watch you die

Ok....

.

I get it.......

I know I need to man up.

I get it......

And they have my kid...

And they want to use her and whatever that can against me

To hurt me.

You know......I don't deserve this..... not even a little..

I don't.....

And yeah

I'm scared

And my writing like this is just the way I'm thinking thoughts out of my head. Its weird. It started when all this happened.

The long spaces and multiple dots.......

If I would have went up against them earlier I would have lost it. I would have committed suicide and didn't because I didn't have a gun. I had access to one but every time I drove to get it I came to my senses.....

It's not something I desire to do now........but it was. To end the pain.

She told me she wants me trapped.......miserable.

This is bits and pieces........she told me a lot of stuff that killed my identity.

My identity was my family.

Think about it.

I've had to learn how to control anxiety

Narcissism

Anger

Suicide

Find myself

Understand emotions and define them

Learn how to defend against serious mental attack

All while losing all of it........

Losing everything....

Learning all of that while being attacked.

She was attacking and knew how faster than I could figure out what the hell she was. ,...

I didn't know she could even come up with half of it so maybe she got it from him or she was hiding it all seven years.....

I don't know....

You know what she had to learn.....

NOTHING.

What did she lose......

NOT A DAMN THING.

When she pulled the knife the da asked me if I wanted jail.

It was early. February. I couldn't put the mother of my child in jail and she lose her job.

I still loved her

She told me that she attacked heavily after I let her get off Scott free and she was on her best behavior

Which was fucking terrible anyway.

But I figured that was as abad as it got and she would come to her sense.

She got ten times worse.....after this.

She lost nothing

I was going to call her work and expose the affairs....

My friend said I would get karma for revenge. For getting them both fired

He said to let karma fix this as they were both acting impulsively and would destroy themselves and that affairs never last.

I appreciate......more than you know all of your advice.....all of it.

There's a lot going on here.......a lot has happened....

I'm at rock bottom

I have hope for the future and I'm afraid she and he will want to destroy that...

I'm stuck.........mentally.

I know how to get a bank account.....and do my taxes and everything else I need to do.

I can't......

It's not like I don't want to..........it hard to explain...

It's like anxiety.

I can't........some things I can do......

My friend said go back to school......so I registered for school starting January.

everyhting goes very slow.......it's like I have to buil up to it.

I'm not handling this well

I know that........

If it were me giving advice I would give great advice and the same advice some of you have given......

I has gotten better.....

But it's not there...

The nightmares are less and less..

I've cried every day for over eight months.....

Before this it was rare......

What I will have to do is fight for my kid and just take the risk and try to do mental battle with them....

Or stay silent......I understand what they are....now.

If I had to do this over again I would have done it way different.

My game plan

Establish father's rightsa d get a restraining order on him to keep him away from my kid

Get a bank account.

Find a job

More education for a job that makes more money

Get in the best shape of my life

Change my lifestyle into more outdoors....hinking, biking, snowboarding......etch

And deal with this as it comes.

I didn't know people could be like this......

I've never seen this....

No one I know has ever seen anything like this.

My friend here has watched all of it.

Recorded a lot of it....82 videos. I want to watch them but i can't yet.

You can't talk to her.

She blames you and goes silent treatment when you apply logic to the situation...

It is guerill warfare

Tears is right on all the pshychologivsl stuff.

I'm in freeze mode.

The ptsd is wearing off. Through understanding and redefining

Aformation therapy and remembering what happened and reframing that into my own frame.

Just because she said I don't matter....

Doesn't mean she's right..

Just because she takes it in all threee holes has nothing to do with me.

My value of her is her way of hurting me.......I detach from her.

So she can't use that against me..

This is not a typical situation. Not a typical affair...

Not a typical break up.

I didn't. Know I could feel stuff like this.

In reality.....she's not that important in the grand scheme of things.

I'm learning how to deal with them......

[This message edited by Fox2 at 11:08 AM, July 28th (Friday)]