SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WW was concerned about the coldness between my mom and sister toward her and i suggested an apology to them for what has happened... this is her response:

Well I need to think about this some more. I don't know how comfortable I am talking to her about it at this point. Can you turn the tables and think how comfortable you might not feel talking to my mom either. I've always tried to keep things about our relationship between us and not share a whole lot with my parents(esp down through the years). I've never wanted them to draw judgement on you for anything or for any of your past shortcomings. I would feel more comfortable talking with her if it was "us" talking to her. I kinda figured her "coolness" towards me might have a lot to do with what I did. I guess that's why your sister doesn't have much to do with me either. I understand them being upset with me for what I did to you and nothing justifies me cheating on you by any means, BUT do they really know how very unhappy our marriage was for so long? I know that it's only natural to blame the loved one's spouse and have hard feelings. I don't know this is just a touchy subject for me and you have to forgive me for feeling that way. There may be a time when I think differently.

My comment: She still thinks the affair was "justified" because she was so unhappy....

Bummer!!

Oh, her words make me SO ANGRY! Will she EVER get it?

((TennTears))

I know that it's only natural to blame the loved one's spouse

Oh, I see . . . so you made her go out and have an affair!

Unbelievable!

Perhaps she will someday get out of the fog and own her shit - until then 180 her.

Good luck.

OOOO her words make me angry too! My WH apologized to my mom... the only reason my mom found out was because she happened to catch me at breakdown points and I lost it when I heard her voice... especially when I was 8 1/2 months preggo. She needs to realize NOTHING is justified because she was unhappy... adults handle things with discussion... not cheating. Good Luck TennTears...

Here is my response to her email:

Like I said in my first email - I have never told you what to do and I’m not going to start now. It was merely a suggestion to help the relationship between you and her.

Since you told me you always want to know how I feel – good or bad, here it is:

“I understand them being upset with me for what I did to you and nothing justifies me cheating on you by any means, BUT do they really know how very unhappy our marriage was for so long?” “I know that it's only natural to blame the loved one's spouse and have hard feelings.”

I will say it again... The marriage was unhappy for BOTH of us. To cheat was a choice YOU made; I didn’t have a choice in it. When I read your quotes it makes me feel like you’re still explaining it away as if it was ok since we were so unhappy, thus justifying it even after you said nothing justifies it. Like I told you Sunday, I will take responsibility for half or even more of the problems we had leading up to the affair and I have/will correct those, but I WILL NOT take any responsibility for the affair. I’m sorry, but that was YOUR choice – YOU made that decision for us. That’s not mine to own.

BUT do they really know how very unhappy our marriage was for so long?

I really want to reach through the screen and smack her.

Seriously, she is going to blame YOU because SHE had an A? Bullshit!!!

TennTears, good reply to her email. It's too bad they don't think FIRST about the fallout and repercussions that are going to come about as a natural expression of what they did. No matter how ww tries to spin it, she's the only one responsible for her situation now.

I think the thing she may not understand is how angry family members get over the risk to your health. That is the one thing my sister still gets angry about. She understands that our marriage wasn't perfect, but for him to go out and sleep with someone else, hide it from me, and sleep with me without giving me the choice as to whether or not I wanted to risk my health is something she's having a really tough time forgiving. The thought that I've been exposed to something that could potentially kill me and take me away from her makes it almost unforgivable.

Your wife's comments are still pretty selfish even without that as consideration. No matter how miserable the marriage, risking your health without thought is not justifiable.

I understand them being upset with me for what I did to you and nothing justifies me cheating on you by any means, BUT do they really know how very unhappy our marriage was for so long?

she doesn't get it at all.

i'd tell her not to bother talking to my mother and sister as her apology wouldn't be sincere.when you say "nothing justifies me cheating, BUT" she just TOTALLY CONTRADICTED HERSELF!no nothing justifies it, NOT EVEN NOT BEING HAPPY.if things were "so unhappy" in your marriage, then you were also unhappy(did she even let you in on this unhappiness that she says is so prevalent, most likely not), then how come you didn't cheat?well because YOU DON'T CHEAT TO SOLVE A PROBLEM IN A MARRIAGE.

i'd be furious with that.i'm so sorry.if you are in mc, i'd print it off and take it in with me.that's UTTERLY RIDICULOUS.

Apologies are hard to come by..

They blame so often they actually start believing their own bullshit justifications..

I made the apology mandatory to reconciliation, to all parties involved, My children, my sister and my father, who were all holding me together in the beginning..

I even made him apologize the MOW's BS.. All part of my kicking him off the fence.. I simply refused to keep his secret and required him to be the man i believed i married.. Responsible and accountable for his actions.. We expect it from our children so i demanded it from him... I turned out to be the best thing to happen between him & the kids...

Apologies are part of earning forgiveness in my book..

((HUGS))

How is the 180 going for you?

Know that implementing the points in there is all about taking care of you. Any listening you do to her at this point sets you back, because she's full of shit. Please, for your own sanity - stop.

from the 180:

- be scarce or short on words.

- Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything!

- No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment... Make yourself be someone they would want to be around.

iow, brother, you need to implement the 180. You are NOT.

The 180 is for YOU.

Trying to translate anything she says is hurtful to YOU and a waste of YOUR time at this point, you need a proctologist for that.

She is not remorseful. Reduce contact. You can't create remorse in her or fix her.

sorry bro.

Tenn

She is cold. Sorry.

Hey, can I offer some advice? Please try to minimize your responses to her. Wayyyyyy better for you. The more you can say, things like "yes, "no," "I understand that is what you think you feel" and such, the better.

Engaging her now when she is in the fog is not to your advantage. It is very much like wrestling a pig. And while you think you can talk her out of this, you can't.

Be civil. Be as kind as you can. But minimize your interaction with her until she owns her shit.

You are getting there. I will be praying for you.

Heh. Sorry, but for the second time today I must point here:

http://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2011/01/05/part-10-the-big-apology/

You'll see this has all happened 1000 times before and is par for the course.

So when doing 180 & she says "if I'm gonna get ignored, we may as well divorce" - how do I respond?

So when doing 180 & she says "if I'm gonna get ignored, we may as well divorce" - how do I respond?

You don't respond. 180 - business matters and kids only.

Bro - she needs to be knocked off the fence. The best way to do so is to see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Again, the 180 is for YOUR sanity.

-t2g

She sure has that right...

Let her think about that, and see what life will be like get's my vote.

I'd simply tell her,

"You have that right, make up your mind, and let me know."

Tenn,

I get that you still love her. You don't want to lose her. But PLEASE accept that engaging her in deep discussions now is counterproductive.

If she says you might as well divorce, the best answers is NOTHING. If you feel you must answer her, something along the lines of "I understand that is how you feel" or "That is something we should discuss with the new MC"

Engaging her, opening yourself up to her, only lets her feed this fantasy that the OM is Prince Charming, you are evil and EVERYTHING you do is wrong. You cannot beat that sir. You can only change how your respond and that means the 180.

If only we could fix them. But we can't.

So when doing 180 & she says "if I'm gonna get ignored, we may as well divorce" - how do I respond?

Holy Shit!!! Your wife is in a mighty fog. She is threatening you?! Who should be the one dishing threats?! Ignore and continue with 180 no matter how hard.

Please hard 180 for you and it might pull her off her high chair. Her head is sucked in her poop, she does not get it at all!!

Same song different verse....

I think you read way more into what I said then what I meant. I do take 100 percent responsibility for the affair and know 100 percent that it was not the way I should have dealt with my unhappiness at all. I felt for so many years that I tried my hardest to get you to communicate with me. I felt for so long you were so miserable with me and would just be happier without me in your life. Being miserable for so long literally drove me to the edge to make the worst mistake of my life! I will repent for that FOREVER believe me. I've never asked you to take any of the responsibility of MY affair at least I don't feel I have.

If your family will not accept me the way I am now I guess we will just have to deal with that. I haven't changed the person I've always been-which is a good person that made a horrible mistake that was so out of character for me.

I am who I am and I've always reached out to your family and loved them as if they were my own. I see no reason for that to change because of what happened. I hope I didn't upset you and appreciate your honesty.

You are welcome to tell your mom that I hate that she and I are not as close as we used to be and that it bothers me greatly. She is welcome to call me and discuss it.

Sorry, Tenn, she is still BLAMING YOU!