SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been hunting and pecking around these boards for awhile, but this is my first post.

It's been about 3 years since my affair, and we are still in recovery. I certainly don't know it all, but I wanted to keep this simple, as the topic suggests,

I am looking for ways to show my wife I think she is beautiful.

Obviously my affair did a lot of damage to my betrayed wife's self esteem, and I know I can't fix it, but I want to do all that i can to help repair her fragile ego. Any thoughts, suggestions, or even thing you have tried yourself would be appreciated. Thanks.

Just telling her is probably not going to help. If you've read the BS posts in General or JFO you'll read that actions speak louder than words.

Try to remember the little things she loves or loved to have you do.

If she loved flowers, give her some & then tell her you love her & think she's beautiful.

If she loves little, non-sexual touches, then do those more often. While you're doing it, tell her.

If you know she wants the newest book in a series, beat her to buying it & when you give it to her tell her it's for the most beautiful woman in your life.

If she's tired from a long day, beat her to the kitchen & make dinner. Take out the trash without being asked.

Sometimes paying attention to the little details means a lot more than the big gestures.

If all else fails, next time you notice her upset or stressed, ask her "what can I do right now to help?"

Hope that helps.

I feel for you man. It has has been a few months for me too and my BS is going through that same thing. I will definately share if I come up with something. Good luck and keep trying.

I agree with poisonette.

Been doing a lot of that and she isn't responding a whole lot... but remember that you have to drop the selfish side and fully embrace the selfless side. Do it for as long as it takes.

[This message edited by dadxgbg at 8:39 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]

Hi Benedict,

It would help to know what your wife's love language is, and yours too, for that matter.

Dr. Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages is an excellent read, and there is a quick online quiz.

For example, mine are words of affirmation and acts of service. So my H often tells me how much he loves me and does things for me. He also thinks of me when he is out shopping and often buys me little things (we have a lot of stuff!!). His primary love language is physical touch, so I am quite aware of this need and we are frequently hugging and touching (we are in our 60s, BTW).

Here is the link ~

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

I second the suggestion for Love Languages. Awesome book and totally opened my eyes to Mr. Aubrie's "quirks". Things I was busting my butt to show my love just weren't clicking. Now, I understand him better and am making strides in expressing my love in ways he understands and appreciates.

BS here. It is funny, my husband and I were just talking about this last night. It has been a year and a half and I told him how ugly and repulsive I felt after I found out. He was shocked. I am not beautiful but I am far from ugly and repulsive and at 65 I still have a great body. But the OW was 17 years younger and it just killed me. I couldn't even look in the mirror. Much better now.

The thing that I think makes me feel beautiful and desirable the most is touch. Just if he reaches over at the store and softly touches my shoulder, or if when I am yammering away he kind of smiles and lookes me in the eyes and touches my face. If he is hugging me and he act like it is turning him on. (Probably isn't, but if his breathing deepens and he starts stroking my back I feel beautiful) Then I will usually shoo him away and we will laugh. Touch is definately what took away my ugliness. Hope this helps.

Love Languages is an AWESOME book and when you read it and identify your own styles and your spouse does the same - it changes everything.

As far as making your wife feel beautiful, I don't know that you can "make" someone feel that way.

Like you can break it but you can't fix it.

(My hubby thinks he is hideous, it doesn't matter what I say or do, I can't change his mind).

I think that if you bring her gifts that are things you buy because you saw them and thought of her - like something in her favorite color or those "magic" things that just scream her name. Know what I mean? You just look at things and think OMG that is SO my wife.

When you have a positive thought, share it.

"I love your smile"

"That top really looks good on you"

"I love looking into your eyes"

"I lovejust sitting here with you holding hands."

It isn't about the grand gesture. Try to tap into your warm feelings as often as you can. When thoughts like the above pop in your head say it.

You have all sorts of reasons you love her or like her or why she makes you feel warm and wonderful, just share those those as often as possible.

[This message edited by WarpSpeed at 7:03 AM, May 25th (Friday)]

BS tells me he wants to know everytime a thought pops into my head like "GOsh, he did xyx, I really love him" Or if she is wearing something she knows you really like on her and u think she looks sexy, just tell her. If she doesn't normally wear makeup and she has it on, tell her you really like what she did with her eyes today. We women like men to notice the little things. Or even if you are out somewhere, be completely conscientious of where your eyes are looking. If you see someone hot, do NOT even glance their direction. Instead, grab your wife's hand, kiss her cheek, whatever, especially in a public place. I know BH really wanted me to show affection in public, wanted people to know that it was ME who was wanting HIM. Just last night, and we are 2.5 yrs out, I was looking at him a certain way b/c of how he was looking and he said "you really think I"m sexy?" And I have to laugh, b/c YES I do, and the fact that he needs to ask just proves that he still struggles with feeling that he isn't up to par on some level. I have to laugh b/c he has always been sexy, and clearly he still struggles with thinking he did something wrong. Constant reassurances, constant reminders. Sometimes I as a WS woudl feel so silly saying certain things, but I think the BS just needs to hear it, over and over again.

You can't make her feel beautiful if she doesn't. What you can do is tell her you see her.

My WH said something to me for the first time ever a few weeks ago.

I was bitching about work and said "Printing Pool". He smiled and giggled and said something under his breath. I asked and he said the way I say my "P's" was amazing and perfection and so pleasing to his ears and went into a sonic/musical description of what he meant and told me he only knew of one other person who did it with their S's (a mutual male friend).

"God, I'd forgotten how much I love that".

THIS is something he never ever said to me before. Something that was just for me. Not something he could have said to her. It made me feel special and precious and made me feel unique to him.

A woman doesn't truly feel beautiful because of the way she looks (ask any self-loathing, insanely beautiful woman). A woman truly feels beautiful when she feels good in her own skin and also when she is cherished.

Cherish her. Mention any little thing but focus on the things unique to her.

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[This message edited by sosorryididthis at 1:42 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Love languages. Learn to speak hers.

Ask her!!!

Benidict

Find out what she doesn't physically like about herself. Ask her she will tell you then counter it. Say well I love that about you but if you don't lets fix it.

Give her a new hair appt or give her a spa treatment etc.

But for me its not about the looking beautiful its feeling it. Even after 20 years of this ride I still don't feel it with my FWW. It saddens me. But he is not a positive person and doesn't say positive things like you look good today I like your hair etc... Its god have you put on lbs those pants don't look right. Seriously I hear crap like that all the time (from a man that needs to shed atleast 50lbs!) Sooo Stay positive say positive things. Remember for every negative said you have to say atleast 3 positives to right that 1 negative.

I think it is grand you are here asking keep trying your wife has a husband that cares.

If she doesn't normally wear makeup and she has it on, tell her you really like what she did with her eyes today.

This one, and the hair salon/spa idea would not counter, for me, feelings of inadequacy. Rather, they would reinforce that something about me needed changing. They might work wonderfully for others, but I think I'd recommend some of the other suggestions first.

What did you do/how did you show her during the time you were in the dating and courting stage? And while engaged but not yet married?

Those worked once so I would suggest starting there.

BW here, and I am struggling with this same issue in that, no matter how much my WH tells me that I'm beautiful, I can't .quite. believe him. I feel ugly. I feel drab. I feel like "the old wife." And I'm glad that you asked the question because I am trying to figure out how he can help me other than with just words.

It helps me when he is spontaneous when I walk in the room and he lights up and gets this WOW look in his eyes. It helps me when he courts me treats me like a woman he wants. Things as simple as opening my car door to leaving me a love letter, to getting up when music is on and asking me for a dance. It helps me when its not just words alone, because words can frankly be cheap, but when his actions say that he feels incredibly lucky to be with me. I'm still trying to believe it, but the more actions that he uses to show me, the more my heart starts to try to believe.

I hope that I've been of some help. Best of luck to you!

I don't feel beautiful, or attractive, or loved either. He's saying the words and doing many of the things mentioned above. But, after the last of the many D-days, when we attempted to regain some intimacy, emotional and physical, I asked for several things. I asked him to read and post here, to read books specifically designed to help us rebuild our bond, etc. He'd start them and not follow through. He'd have as many excuses about why he didn't continue as he'd had about why he was late for so many nights. And he'd blame me. Now he doesn't get why I won't remind him of all this. I told him time and time again. It's humiliating.

Your BS may just not feel connected to you. She may need some way to get that back. Ask her. Research ways to do that. I'm guessing you spent time with your AP and time and energy hiding your affair. Spend that time figuring ways to rebuild a sense of "coupleness" for the two of you...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:30 PM, October 26th (Friday)]

Step outside of your comfort zone.

to rebuild self-esteem, you have to show her she is sexy. here's a list I complied for my husband (I cheated on him because of my low self esteem, among other reasons... mostly my social retardedness.) Maybe you'll find some good ideas, & I know some are repeats of what everyone else said.

Objectify your wife. Buying her lingerie. Take pictures of her. All sorts of

pictures.

While she's in the middle of something like cooking dinner, watching TV any of those things. go over to her and kiss the back of her neck and put your hands on her hips (like her hip bones), caress her, or rub your groin against her (you don't have to be hard to rub it against her.

Tell your wife why she's sexy. The 'you're so sexy/beautiful/hot' line can quickly lose its vigor. Dwell on what it is precisely that makes her so beautiful. Give it some serious thought and be specific. Her eyes, jaw, hair, shoulders, elbows, chest, hips, stomach. Don't be afraid to obsess over parts of her body. Shower the aspects you love the most with attention during sex. Heck, give names to her body parts. Focus on small parts of her body: tell her you like her hands, her ears, the nape of her neck. Tell her

you love the way she smells.

Talk a little dirty. Maybe you should place her hand on your crotch during a movie. Try complimenting her pussy in the nicest, cleanest, most polite possible words you can think of and build from there. Something small.

Date her regularly for a while, with varying venues so you don't get into a

rut.

Give her a sensual massage.

Passion is the key, your passion for her. Show her your passion. Cherish every bit of her. Gently, sweetly kiss and caress. Inhale the scent of her hair. Hold her, whisper to her of your love (or your desire). Reach into your own soul and share your thoughts of love and devotion. Run your hands gently through her hair, rub the small of her back, hold her tight, and whisper sweet nothings into her ear.

Each day tell your woman what you love about her in full detail. Compliment her not only on her looks, but also on her accomplishments, talents and abilities. It could be how she moves her hips, how she flips her hair, or how she wears a dress or a certain pair of jeans. Whatever it is that makes you head over heels in love, tell her specifically.

Other than lingerie, buy her clothes that accentuate her curves and highlight her assets. When she's wearing the items you selected for her, tell her how beautiful you think she is and how good she looks in the.mWhen you see her naked (like changing clothes or coming out of the shower), tell her how great she looks, that she's extremely sexy and that you'd like to see her naked more often, encourage her to be naked a little longer. Simply pausing, ogling her and always acknowledging the effort she puts into look special for you will let her know that you are turned on.

Smack or grab her ass every time she walks past. Notice when her breasts look good and tell her or let he obviously see that you notice.

Touching, caressing, snuggling

Talk about her with other people when she's around. Tell people how lucky you are to have her. It can be as simple as going up to her to say something and addressing her as "the most beautiful woman in the room", or referring to yourself as the luckiest guy in the world.

Play footsie with her under the table, or stroke her hand over the table, give her those looks that tell her you want to do naughty things and tell her she's beautiful.

Make a lot of eye contact with her. When she talks, look at her.

As she is walking away, grab her hand and pull her back to you and give her another quick kiss before you let her go.

Invite her to cuddle with you. Invite her to rub/scratch your back or neck, & offer her the same.

make a sexual in the innuendo out of something simple that she says. if she says "wow, you're good at that" you say "I'm good at a lot of things."

Share your fantasies with her.

notice a hot chick & tell her that she is hotter than the other chick... "she's cute but your ass is nicer" etc.

Smile at her for no reason while she is talking.

Spend time talking to her every day, even when you are busy. Tell her things that you wouldn't normally tell anyone. (show vulnerability)

Appreciate quirky things about her. (like her laugh) Not by making fun of them, but by saying that you love them.

Send her a dirty text message when you are feeling horny in the middle of the day.

Wake her up in the middle of the night by kissing her.

Make love to her at random times, like first thing in the morning or on a lunch beak from work.

Tell her when you are thinking about her and when you are looking at porn. (maybe send her porn that you particularly like, that preferably has a woman with a body type like hers... but don't tell her that the woman's body type is like hers, because she may think the woman is hideously fat & take offense)

Sure, this sounds like a lot of stuff that a 17 year old kid would do, but flitting with her like you are a lovesick teenager will certainly help her feel beautiful.

I appreciate what you are saying, forever, but if my SAWH had done many of those things, it would have been a disaster. I'm glad it helped you but I would warn WH's to think very carefully and check with their wives before acting on some of these suggestions.

[This message edited by sudra at 7:41 AM, October 27th (Saturday)]