SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband told me to leave on the day after Christmas last year. I saw him today for the first time since that awful day.

I was happy because he looked so healthy and calm. But I was hurt by that as well.

I tried to tell him about me, that I knew that I needed to change, that I did not know if I could ever really be deserving of him but I was trying so hard and would try harder. I lost control and started babbling, I think. He cut me off. "You'll be fine," he said. "There are other people like you and other people like me. And as long as you stick to your own kind and leave people like me to mine, you won't do anyone any harm." His eyes were as kind as I always remembered them; he was looking at me with compassion. It was as if he were able to look deep into me and had determined that there was nothing to find.

I always knew that my hopes for reconciliation were improbable, but it just seems so much worse than I had ever imagined. It may be self-pity but it hurts so badly to finally have to face what we have come to.

That sounds like a horrible day of revelation for you. And it seems like he is saying it is completely over.

I have to ask though...What the hell does he mean by this - "There are other people like you and other people like me. And as long as you stick to your own kind and leave people like me to mine, you won't do anyone any harm."

That just strikes me as a weird outlook. I guess I'm confused.

He is right though, you will be fine. You do have that power within you to be fine. It may be buried somewhere deep, but it is there.

I think that was a really cruel thing to say. Other people like me and other people like you? Meaning stick only to your own kind- WSes, and you won't hurt anyone else? That wasn't compassion. That was a dig.

I'm sorry- but his outlook does tell you that it's over.

I know it was cruel. I'd never heard him ever say a cruel thing before. He could have a terribly black sense of humor when he was angry, but he was never cruel. I can't imagine what has now happened within him, but I feel so vile for being the cause of it.

it was a parting shot. cruel or not, he was venting.

It was as if he were able to look deep into me and had determined that there was nothing to find.

It made me so sad to read this. But it is not true. He may feel like it is true but there is something more in you and in all of us. We may have fallen, we may be broken but deep inside there is a person worthy of love. I hope you know this.

what I did to him was so horribly cruel, God only knows how I managed not to see it. He may be wrong about me in the end, but he has the right to say whatever he feels now.

He sounds as though he was quoting someone or he wants you to know that "once a cheater, always a cheater". His choice of words was poor and insensitive and I think he meant to put you in "your place."

stick to your own kind

Archaic and cruel.

but he has the right to say whatever he feels now.

He could have said "I have chosen not to R because your infidelity was a dealbreaker."

He's devastated and deeply hurt. Yes, I think most people affected by infidelity would agree:

it seems so much worse than I ever imagined.

Continue to try hard for your healing and health so

"you'll be fine."

You said you had many affairs right? How did you expect it to turn out any other way? Did you tink he would just forgive and forget. If I am not mistaken, only about 15% of men will not divorce a wife who they have found out cheated on them. Are you saying you were not prepared for your marriage/family to be over as soon as he found out about it. Evidently a lot of people knew about it before your husband.

I can't imagine what has now happened within him

You nealry killed him by your actions. That's what happened to him. You said that he was saying this with love and compassion, not malice or cruelty. You also said that you were hurt that he has moved on and is doing well. If you really loved him, why would this bother you? I could see saying this to my WW if we had split. I don't think he is hurting now by saying this. This is apathy.

He is done and moving forward. He no longer wants to hear what your doing to win him back or prove yourself. Leave him alone.

I do admire you for facing what you have done. Try hard for you, not someone else. Good luck to you.

Threw it away,

I'm sorry to hear this. Yes, it was a cruel dig your husband made. I don't believe his words, though; there is not "his kind" and "your kind" as long as you are doing the work needed on yourself to become healthy.

Divorce hurts so badly, all the more when it is unwanted and when you are the cause of it. If there is any way I can help or any talking you want to do about it, please feel free to let me know.

only about 15% of men will not divorce a wife who they have found out cheated on them

really? I think it's higher...at least I hope it is...

"There are other people like you and other people like me. And as long as you stick to your own kind and leave people like me to mine, you won't do anyone any harm."

ouch..*flinches* that was harsh...he was right about one thing, though..you will be fine...

It was cruel, yes, but spoken out of immense pain.

All you can do now is work on yourself, and better yourself.

Good luck.

I can see how that remark would have been hurtful. But I don't see it as cruel. This is a man who was cheated on,multiple times,giving chance after chance,and was treated with complete disregard for his physical and emotional well being. You said he didnt say it with malice. I think he has burned so many times that he has been taught that "once a cheater always a cheater."

It sounds to me as if he has moved on and is in a much better place. I hope you are able to do the same.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:09 PM, June 4th (Monday)]

My heart goes out to anyone who is suffering. These words may have cut through you, and may even have been spoken to do so, but can you name him. He could have said this in many ways but in all honesty he may have lost his desire to do so after everything you have done. He loved and respected you. Although he still may love you, he may no longer havevthevresoect needed to be married to you. I know my FWH's A was while we were separated and there are still times when I feel nothing but disgust and agree with the statement made to you.

I would also think if he said this ith no angry he has probably found a way to move forward.

I wish you the best through our journey. Good luck.

Your affair deeply hurt him and filled him with venom.

Some of that venom escaped back when he made that cruel comment.

I'm so sorry you had to hear that especially since it sounds like you are remorseful and want to make it up to him but he's hurting too bad to let that happen.

Have you considered IC? Your comment about not having anything inside to be found is REALLY troubling! It was a cruel comment designed to hurt you and you went along with it, which means there are some deep damages there to work through for you.

The core of many affairs, especially with so much remorse as you seem to show, is there is something broken inside. As odd as it may sounds, but if you really care about him, then start caring about you. Find out how to fix what's broken and make that your top priority. You deserve to be loved, appreciated and honored again. He may or may not ever see that through his own pain, but you don't have to live in that shadow any longer and it can only start by lifting it away.

This is a man who was cheated on,multiple times,giving chance after chance,and was treated with complete disregard for his physical and emotional well being.

It was not like that. He threw me out nine days after his first discovery. At that time, he did not know that there had been others. I know that this does not put what I did in any better light, but it was not a marriage where I was continually making him suffer. Perhaps in the end, it was worse for him to find out in the way which he did, but if someone would see it as worse had I continually abused his trust in his face, I can say that I did not do that.

You deserve to be loved, appreciated and honored again.

Was I ever loved, appreciated and honored in the first place? I've thought about this and I realized that our marriage and our love were lies not only for him, but for me as well. The woman whom he loved was faithful and deserving. She wasn't me; she did not really exist. I spoiled those years of my own life as well as those of his. It wasn't the real me who was being loved.

What hurt the most about what he said was not the substance of it, but rather seeing once more how my actions have made him so different, so harsh. He was not like that before.

You also said that you were hurt that he has moved on and is doing well. If you really loved him, why would this bother you?

Because I am not an automaton, I have feelings of wanting to be valued by him as little as I deserve it from him. It makes me sad that he is so clearly doing well as a result of having five months' separation from me. I can't help it.

I do continue to try and better myself for my own sake, but I can't just dismiss the loss and move on. I don't even know if I want to, I feel as if I just can't abandon hope.

To me, these words are revealing a lot of repressed pain that he has otherwise masked. he feels the need to keep distance for his own protection, much like we learn the hard way as children with a hot stove. It may or may not be required, but he certainly feels like it is.

I would also like to remind all of us betrayed which forum we are a guest in when replying here.

Thanks aesir. Holy shit people. Is there anything in threw it sways posts that indicates she's not aware of his pain and her consequences?

I have a question. What possible benefit do some of you get from swinging when it's clearly not needed?

Comfort and support is just as important to healing as 2x4's and "hard truths".

Bashing a remorseless spouse by proxy using a member in pain is fucked up.

Threw it away, like MJ says, you'll be fine and he wasn't "looking in to you". He was looking into himself and seeing his pain from your actions.

That will, sadly always be linked for him, understandably. This isn't the end of your story and you're the author of that!