SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oct 27th 2012 was our 7th wedding anniversary day and our daughts 8th b-day party as we couldnt celebrate her b-day on the 19th. 11;45 the phone rings and my wife answers it and hands it to me. I say hello and there is a womans voice on the other end, she confirms my name and my wifes name and the a statment that will haunt me forever "your wife is cheating on you". I informed the woman (who would not give her name) to hang on as i went outside to continue the conversation.

I ask her are you sure and she says yes and that the other wife looked in her husbands phone and saw pictures and text message from and of my wife that confirmed they have been having sexual relations for some time. I asked her if it was the Fed Ex guy. She stated she didn't know but will find out and call back.

I hang up and looked at my wife who was now outside asking me who it was and what was wrong. As she discribe it later " you lost all color in you". I told her the lady on the other end said you are having a affair on me. She deined it until I told her to stop lying to my and that I had a suspition of this for sometime as the way she acted towards me. She finally stated she had been having an affair and it started in Aug. First was in our new car I picked out for her on a township road and then at her place of employment. I asked her if the Dr appointment she had last week was a lie. She stated it was and that her and this man spent the day together.

As the guest arrived for the b-day party. We didn't let on that anything happen and went on about the party. At 2pm I left and went for a long drive to think about what occured. While driving two vehicles passed me with personel license plates. The first one read "BLVNME" (Believe in me) and the second one read "WHY ME". I began to pray and asked God "why me" "why me". I cook,clean,laundry and everything possible to make her life easy "why me".

I returned home at 1am the next morning and slept on the couch until 5am. I woke up and let the dogs out and when I came back in she was standing there. I told her about the plates and asked her "why"? She said I don't know. They see each other all the time and talk then they texted each other and fell in love.

Monday Oct 29th was a blur... I was hurt,sick and down right upset. No eating our sleeping. Emotions up and down.

Oct 30th 2012: We go see her (scheduled) counselor. On D-day my wife did call her and told her I found out. The counselor was very up front with my wife about what she wanted to do and to make a choice. My wife said she loves both of us. I informed the counsler that my wife loves me i know but is in love with him. The counselor aggreed and informed my wife if she want to work on us she would have to cut all ties with him and are you will to do that. She stated know as she is in love with him. The counselor looked at me and asked me what I was going to do. I informed her I'm moving out and filing for divorce. I got up cry and was walking out when the counselor asked to sit again to talk about our 8 year old daughter and how to tell her.

I left in tears and went home and got ready for work. When my wife arrived I was outside when our daughter came outside with a Halloween candy bag with a note on it. She handed it to me and it said Happy Halloween Daddy I Love You. I broke down and hugged her while my wife watched.

Oct 31th 2012; I'm still at the house as my wife doesnt want me to leave for finance reasons. But she is still texting this guy.

I need help I love her to death and am willing to work on our marrage. But I also come to the conclusion I'm not leaving she is going to have to cause this isn't my fault and I shouldnt be punshed

I am so sorry that you have to be here but glad you found us. You will find great support and wisdom here.

The first thing you need to do is inform the other BS. Your WS will not want you to do this but it IS what you need to do ASAP.

Do not tell you spouse first because they will do dsmage control and get their "stories" straight.

Please be sure to eat and drink plenty of fluids.

I know how bad it hurts.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. No one deserves this kind of pain.

This is a good place for you to be. Whatever happens the things you learn here will help you heal from this. I know it doesn't seem like it now but there is life after infidelity.

Affairs live in the dark. Shine as much light on it as you can. With all the people you feel need to know. Tell your friends the truth. Do it before she has a chance to lie about it; minimize it or worse demonize you. Now that you know the truth she will be in damage control mode. She doesn't get to control you or your healing. Plus telling your friends and family will help build a support group for your own healing. This will be very important for your future.

I don't think that you should move out of your house. It is your house after all, she is the one who went outside the marriage after all.

From what you describe in your post, it seems that she became friends with someone and it slowly grew into something else. There is a book called NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirly Glass I think. Buy it and read it. Make sure she reads it as well.

No Contact is a must. I know that she cant decide between the two of you, but you have to put your foot down on this issue. I think you need to have a talk with her. This is only my opinion but I think you should ask her to not talk or text the OM while at your home.

Be sure to find out everything you can about the other man. Who he is, is he married, does his wife know. Tell her just to make sure.

There is also something on this site called the 180. The purpose of the 180 is not to punish your wife, but to help you become a stronger man for yourself not her.

I know you said that you are willing to work on your marriage. But saving your marriage is impossible while she is sitting on the fence. I think this is also called cake eating. Put an end to that behavior ASAP. If your marriage is to be saved then she has to want and be willing to work to save it. Not possible while living in fantasy land which is what an affair is; fantasy. Bust the bubble, show her the reality of her decisions be sharing your pain and suffering with her and everyone you know and trust.

Good luck man, may God bless and be with you.

Right then Danny, let's put you back on the right path.

I bloody hate these situations. Good men or women, being manipulated or emotionally abused by their spouses, and STILL trying to be nice.

I'm not going to be very gentle here, but you need to hear the truth.

YOU do not move out. SHE moves out.

She does not get a choice about dating. She is fucking married. She chooses you, and cuts all ties with the other man, or she chooses him, and moves out. TODAY.

you need to stop being Mr Nice guy, because she will sit on the fence and cake eat as long as you let her. All the while your soul will by dying. Get a grip and remember that you are the one who is right here, and she needs to step up or piss off.

You don't get to fall in love with other people when you are married. You might find someone attractive, but love is a choice. You fall in love with the person you emotionally invest in. Even the church recognises this. You promise to forsake all others. you promise to love each other. If it were easy you wouldn't need to make vows and stick to them. She has broken those vows, but it is you that is having to deal with the consequences because YOU are not forcing her to face them. you need to put an end to that and force her to face what she has done.

the financial reasons for staying are tough shit. She should have thought of that. Tell her you are divorcing her. Tell her that she has destroyed her child's life with her selfish behaviour.

You need to wake up a little bit, and I strongly recommend you read this post.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=469167&AP=1&HL=

You have gotten great advise.

My feelings about this is she is in a fog. She is in what we like to term LURVVV..Its more an infactuation of the new thrill of a new relationship. Lets face it, we all remember that "omg i cant wait to see him" feeling. I remember being so in love that i'd drive 10 miles just to drive BY where he worked. IT's not reality. It's fantasy. Even if you divorce, it won't last for her, but she can't see that right now...hence the fog.

First thing you HAVE to do is TELL THE AP'S BS. HE's bound to have a wife.

Ask her to leave if she won't stop texting him. DO NOT leave your daughter or the home. You cant forcibly make her leave a marriage home, but if you can stand it then don't leave. If you can't stand it period you could always file for divorce, this doesnt mean you actually have to divorce.

Honestly, right now you dont have to do anything at all (except tell the other bs).

She is a cake eater. SHe wants you to sugar daddy her while she eats cake. that is total bullshit.

It all just sucks rocks. I'm so sorry you have to find yourself here, but post all you want, we are listening!

The thing is, its so important to out the other person because she could take it underground and with 2 sets of eyes on the affair, its much harder to keep it hidden. You both know when they each "have doctors appts" at the same time, or are out of the house the same time, etc.

You could also look into VARS for the car and keyloggers. Gather evidence. Go into slueth mode.

Good luck to you.

Sorry brother. This shit really sucks. One thing I have learned about this nonsense is that when the WS can not choose between their spouse and the OP and dedicate themselves to fixing what they broke. The best solution for the BS is to make the decision for them. And that narurally has to be D. The longer you allow her to string you along the longer your personal healing is delayed. Cut her ass loose. Tell her to go to the OM. Let him deal with her from now on. Of course she wants to stay with you for financial reasons. You pay the bills and OM gets to have sex with your W. No strings attached I might add. Do not allow this. Let him have her and all that goes with it. Do not in anyway support her. Lets see if OM is willing to have to deal with real life problems and responsibilities ? Lets see if he is just looking to get laid or is all in ? My guess is he will bail fairly quickly. Best for you and your daughter to move on. Your WW needs a good dose of reality. Do not sit there while she disrespects and walks all over you. Man up and to what needs to be done. She is broken and there is nothing you can do to fix her. She must do that herself. In the time being you must protect yourself and your child. See an attorney and find out your rights and responsibilities. You must assume D is your only option right now. And you must proceed in that direction if only for self preservation. As was said inform and expose. Do not allow her to put a spin on what has happened. The only thing that kills adultery quickly is the truth. And trust me when I say this. You only have a small percentage of this story. Its most likely far worse then she is letting on to. Cheaters lie and minimize. thats just the pathology of a WS. Do not sit there being inactive or she will only make your life a living hell. Action right now is your only salvation. I hope you heed this warning bro. Please keep posting and reading. We are here for you my man.

First, ((((hugs!!)))

You are getting good advice. And will gain a lot of support and from the collective wisdom of those whove been there, done that.

There is no middle ground here. No contact AT ALL! If you want the remotest chance of reconciling. Knock her off her cake eating fence swiftly and decisively. File divorce papers. It diesnt have to mean you follow through, but you need to show her CONSEQUENCES for her past AND current behaviors. Dont worry about pushing her away. Shes already gone. She does not get the right to decide! She either chooses you here and now or you need to start moving on!!! Hugs!!

[This message edited by 5yrsout at 6:34 AM, November 2nd (Friday)]

Oh Danny Boy!

You need to man up now!

You are right, she leaves.

And since she chose him you let everyone in your families know what has happened.

ou expose the Affair. When Affairs are a secret they flourish. In most cases when Affairs are exposed they die!!!Y

Print out on a piece of paper this slogan " I am not Plan B!".

She wants to be in love with him! She wants to have sex with him!

But she wants you to be around to pay the bills and play DaddY!!!!!

Fuck that my friend.

If the OM is married and that was his wife on the phone you two should meet. Swap any info and incriminating emails/texts.

The go see a lawyer to learn your rights regarding a Divorce.

Then your wife leaves the home.

The only way she will end the Affair is if she has serious consequences.

Serious as in exposure to family and friends.

Serious as Divorce papers in her hand.

ANd you may just decide that you can do better!!!

So decide what you want and act.

And if her and the OM work together then you should report them to their human resources. Make his life uncomfortable too!

Their affair can thrive because their are no children involved in their relationship, no bills to pay in their relationship.

It is all make believe.

Now get tough, show her and the POSOM some consequences based on reality.

Let us know how you make out.

HM64

[This message edited by happyman64 at 6:29 AM, November 2nd (Friday)]

And Danny

One more thing.

If you are so good as you have written here, and I have no reason to doubt it there is only one reason why your wife cheated.

Because she is selfish.

She and her OM are more important than you or your daughter.

Please realize that.

And treat her accordingly.

HM64

Harsh as it sounds, hapyman is bang on.

You cannot "love" someone back into a marriage. you cannot "nice" someone out of an affair.

If you want your wife back, you need o recognise that right now she is NOT your wife, and force her into a position of fighting for you.

Hugs to you!!! Your post hit a nerve with me since my WH had an A with a Fed Ex driver (female) as well.

You have found a great place. The previous posters are "right on". She is to move out.

Please eat, sleep (or at least try to) and drink plenty of water. You need your strength.

Focus on your daughter.

Read in the Healing Library. Read up on the 180.

Your WW is so deep in the fog - she needs to be thrown off the fence.

Peace to you!

There is no room for 3 in a marriage. You need to draw a line in the sand. If she cant choose, than you need to choose. You choose not to be in a marriage of 3. You need to see a lawyer today. explore your options, know your rights.

I would write out your requirements for reconciliation and give her an opportunity to meet them. If she balks, you file for divorce. A few things that should be part of that list, No Contact of any sort. Transparency to all her communication. STD testing for her.

IC for her.

She is a cake eater. She wants you to pay the bills and her to screw another. Turn off the oven. Give her no support unless she is 100% committed.

I agree with others affairs thrive in darkness and secrecy. I would expose the affair to OM BS. I would also report this to his job if that was the vehicle by which they met. I am pretty sure Fed Ex doesnt want thier drivers delivering more that the parcel they are asked.

This shit sucks. Keep focused on you and your child. Your job is to protect yourself and that child. Your wife may be a lost cause , maybe not. TIme, and her actions will show you.

good luck

LHAP?

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:13 AM, November 2nd (Friday)]

Why are you waiting file for D.

((((Danny4575)))) <--- hugs to you

I'm so sorry that you are here, but glad you found us.

It is VERY IMPORTANT to see a lawyer to learn your rights, responsibilities and options.

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. Your leaving could be construed as abandonment, which could put you in an even worse position than you are in already (if you can believe that). If your WW is not ready to dump OM and choose you RIGHT NOW, then SHE can leave.

She seems to be behaving as a selfish, entitled brat. FUCK THAT!!!!!

Don't forget to eat and drink water, get a little exercise and sleep when you can. Keep posting here and lean on us. And lawyer up right away!!

I'm so sorry for your pain.

((((Danny4575))))

THank you all for the advise. I respected all of them. I need to get off this ground and start living again. Thank god I have a counseling meeting coming up again soon.

She wants you to stay in the home for financial reasons! She wants you to support her while she carries on with OM. Does she feel entitled or what.

As others said, you can't have three in a M. She doesn't get the luxury of having you pay the bills and babysit, while she is out playing.

I am so sorry, this is so painful but remember you can't "nice" them back. It only hurts your self esteem further and she loses respect for you. It is a no win situation.

Obviously she has been discussing this with her IC. She is way ahead of you dealing with her actions. Take some time for you.

wow, sounds like a rough predicament.

First, it sounds like the other man's wife already knows about the affair, but to be on the safe side, you may want to try to contact her. If you contact her, you will get more information as to what their intentions are. This man may not be willing to leave his wife or get a divorce - this is information you need going forward.

As far as your wife, you cannot control what she does, you can only control what you do. If you two are in the same house, there will be NC in place. If she chooses to continue to text the guy, she is cake eating and using you.

I would personally encourage her to leave. This could go in so many directions, it's hard to say what will happen.

Right now she is not choosing the marriage or she would stop texting him. She wants it all. I understand that you want to fix it and make it better, but do you have that power?

Make the marriage an attractive place and the affair a bad place.

The advice you get on here is incredible...I love these people. You need to let her decide if she wants to stay a family or chase a fantasy. You need to out the AP to his wife/family/friends...whoever...these things are 50/50. be prepared for it not to turn out your way...but i can tell you that if she won't fight for your marriage now, it will save you years of uncertanty and despair to have it over. (but it could also work out and you could have a successful R). Good luck...get tough...for you and your daughter.

[This message edited by keptmypromise at 11:37 AM, November 2nd (Friday)]

(((((Danny)))))

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=448526

She needs to move out. Not you. Start the 180 and see an attorney.

Good luck.