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It's been a little over a week since H and I were intimate. Due to schedule and my period.

I've found that I started to feel so down and sad. I just needed us to reconnect.

We've had the talk about sex vs. making love. It seemed for the longest time we were just having sex. We've always been adventurous in bed, but now I find that's not what I'm wanting so much. Once I expressed my need to have it be more "loving" H understood and was amazed by the difference even for himself.

So my question is this: is it odd to only want the loving and never a quickie? H has always said that there was no connection with OW, it was just sex. Even after this far out I still get "flashes of thoughts", not mind movies. It seems like I'm more into it when we make love and don't have even the "thoughts" then.

I think when you feel the love between you and your spouse pit makes your connection strong.and I would cal it love making. Quickies are just that. Doing it to relieve him or you is just physical sex and he can get that from any *****.

My H and I made love on a couch in a hotel room the other day . We were away for a couples weekend and just trying to connect. It was great until later that night when I remembered him telling me he fucked the ***** on her Daughters couch! Holy crap! I had a melt down! Pain like the day I found out!

So yes. I think making love is one thing. Having sex is just the act. Making love in a place you know your husband had sex with a whore is just degrading, and humiliating.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:43 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]

When we were having HB, it was all about the sex for me. I frankly took what I needed from him because I hadn't gotten laid in a very long time. Kissing and all of that other stuff was not my interest. Having an O was.

However, I came to realize that simply screwing was doing nothing for US. For our connection. For all the relationship building that it wasn't, I might as well have visited the vegetable bin.

Now, it's love making. No matter the length of time, it's making love. I'm not interested in simply getting my rocks off as it were. I'm interested in deepening and nurturing the connection, closeness, and love that we share. Yeah, there are times when we are both quite adventurous. However most of the time, I guess that you would say that we are pretty vanilla. And that's OK with both of us.

sarahm49 -

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I'm glad there's someone who understands here. A serious kink for us is that our two DD are home for the summer from school.

I love them, but they do curtail our activities. No more showers to together or doing anything outside the bedroom.

Do you think that when your need to feel loved with 'lovemaking' is being met, and you feel more secure in the relationship, you will then again be interested in "quickies" from time to time?

I used to LOVE quickies. But in light of the $40 BJ that my husband got from a prostitute, the thought repulses me. If we were reconcilling, and I felt truly loved, I think the desire for a quickie would come back.

First 12 months after DDAY it was all HB. Now it's turned into Love making. Not as frequent, but much more meaningful. Then again, I'm still hit with images that disturb my love making.

I feel the same way. We used to just have sex and I enjoyed it, but now that he was with ow I want things differently. I like to make out, and have passion. After quickies, I feel like it was what they did and then I trigger.

I never thought about it that way, but I do know that when the closeness and feeling of being loved comes from making love I do want quickies too.

It seems the more H is "focused" on us the closer I feel to him, the more I want to be with him. He problem is that it can't turn into all just sex episodes. We have to have the passionate times mixed in or else I just want or crave the love making.

In short the more loved I feel, the more adventurous I feel.

Personally, I struggle with the intimacy of making love. I tend to prefer the quickie because I do not have to allow my emotions to become so vulnerable. I think we each have our own individual ways to cope. It just has to work for you and your spouse.

Before DDay, we would have LOTS of sex. Like, every other day, quickies, adventurous stuff, etc. It is VERY different now. He seems to want to go right back to where we were, and I'm just not there anymore. I struggle with a constant feeling of repulsion when he touches me. I used to have a very high sex drive, and now I am rarely in the mood. The few times I am actually in the mood, the sex is very passionate and awesome... lovemaking, versus the sex we had before. If I try to fake it because I know he is in the mood but I am not, it just ends up with me crying and him feeling awful

I've found that when it's just sex, I'm not into it as much and my mind tends to get flashes of thoughts of them together. Really kills it for me when I start thinking " he did or did he do it the same way with OW."