I just confronted WH a little over a week ago after about 4 months of discovery and planning to head for divorce. He found out that I had looked up a lawyer asked me about it so I spilled the beans. I told him due to his emotional/verbal abuse, controlling nature and the cheating that I want a divorce. He pleaded for the marriage. But he only confessed to the sexting and phone sex. I believe there were actual physical affairs based on the data I have yet he's adamant nothing physical ever happened. He's currently on a work trip so we said we'd work on the marriage when he returns this weekend. He sent this email to me, and several of our family members:
After a stressful week of collecting my thoughts and hardly eating, I must say that you’re not far from the truth. Our marriage is at a junction where changes must be made or we can no longer be together. You made several accusations in your e-mail so I feel it is only right that I defend myself. I have also copied your parents because you told me that you tell them everything so they should now hear my side. Also copied is (WH cousin) who I spoke to from midnight to almost 2am one night this week, my brothers ___ and ___ because they’re aware of what has transpired. I wanted to speak with your parents in person but I can no longer pretend that your family does not like me. My dad is also copied on this e-mail even though he is not aware of any problems between us.
I am also very unhappy with our marriage. I asked for a divorce two years ago and again last year because of what I considered an unhealthy marriage. I made concessions in order for you to be happy but you never appreciate me as a man. Since you’re bringing up the past I will attempt to give you a chronological order of events in our marriage that have now emotionally drained me as well.
First, while in graduate school you consistently complained about the distance between us and how you thought I was unfaithful. To abate that thought I moved to ___ and commuted 2hrs to ___ for classes while working full-time with ____ (50hrs/week). I did not resent you for it; I believed that I did it for the betterment of us as a unit so I needed to sacrifice.
Second, when I met you I always spoke about my intent on joining the armed forces. You persuaded me not to do it at the time- again, I did what I had to just to please. Eventually you allowed me and I joined the ___ because working at ___ renting cars with a master’s degree was underachieving at it’s best. I loved being on active duty but hated being enlisted. Like I told you many times I would still be in the ___ if I was an officer, being enlisted didn’t allow me to provide for my family like I envisioned. While at basic training, you decided to quit your job without informing me. We talked about it and I never agreed but as always, it’s your way or I have to put up with your attitude problems. I moved past that as the sole provider for our family just to make things work. While I was in ___, I told you not to bring DD1 down there but you saw it as me wanting to live the single life and not what the issue was; which was that technical training is stressful and if I don’t pass it I would have been kicked out of the Armed Forces. Even with you and DD1 there, I focused on my studies and graduated as the top of the class (Officers and Enlisted). I remember vividly that you called your mother while in ___, telling her that I was a horrible father and that I did not like being married and so on.
After getting out of active duty, I pursued jobs that would make me happy to no avail. As you know, I lost the job offer from the ___ because I wasn’t released early enough by the ___. Then came the interview for the job in ___ as an Environmental Health Specialist. As you recall, I didn’t even want to go for the interview because I did not like the job but you and (our friend) convinced me to do it. I accepted because I didn’t have a job at the time and I had to provide for my family. I interviewed for the job and the rest is history.
While at ___ I was subjected to a slew of derogatory comments including racial slurs by co-workers. I managed to come home and try to maintain a sense of normalcy but it was still not enough for you. You always had an issue with something. Your bad attitude started to show it’s self and I started hearing your mom whenever you would speak to me. Leading up to the heated exchange between your mom and me you regularly said verbatim what your mom would always say to me...”___, you are never happy wherever you work and there will always be something wrong with your job”. Before the day of that altercation between your mom and me I had never said anything bad about you to my family. Actually up to this point I have never said anything negative about you to my family, it has always been rave reviews to my parents and siblings but little did they know that it has always been a emotional roller-coaster.
You constantly complained about my parents whenever they were around and I would immediately address it with them to make you happy. I constantly asked you to speak to your mom about comments she would make to me. Comments like “WH; I don’t know how hurtyetstrong stays with you, I would never marry someone like you”. “WH; you have a bad personality”, e.t.c. Your response to me was always that that has nothing to do with you and that’s between your mother and me.
I finally got the job offer I always wanted from ___ and making it better was that it would be right next to your family. To move the family to ___, I emptied my 401k savings account and let you keep yours. I sacrificed again for our family, which I believe I should, the only problem is that you never appreciate me.
I have loved the ___ job since getting it but whenever I make a comment that resembles unhappiness with anything at work it goes back to me not ever being happy. You and your mother have falsely labeled me.
The ___ recruiter whom I contacted before joining ___ continued to stay in touch and try to recruit me. Offering me a job if selected by the commission board as an Industrial Hygiene Officer, instantly making $27,000 more than I make now with free health insurance for my family and constructive credit to be an 0-3 which in a year and half (Another significant pay increase). Mentioning this opportunity to you was like speaking to an enemy in my own home. I tried to tell you that it was worth considering even though I like ___ because it is a very good career move in a bad economy and I could still return to ___ to make even more after doing 20 years Active. You didn’t articulate your concerns and you just kept mute. You took it to your parents instead of communicating with your husband. You hate it when I bring up the military even though there are many perks which include the post 911 bill which guarantees that one of my kids will attend college for free.
After all this, I try to make it work. With that said I am not without blame, there are a ton of things I can do better but why should I make more concessions when you won’t change anything that I have asked of you. For instance, something as small as being presentable so when I come home from work you’re not still in your pajamas laying on the couch. You make me feel old, I’m 30 years old and in the past year and a half, I have only been intimate with my wife 3 times, one of which was when DD2 was conceived. I maintain that I have never been physical with another woman but I have spoken to other women on the phone, indulging in inappropriate subject matter, I also communicated with woman via skype. I told you all this, saying this was my way of at least feeling desired, I asked you to try improving our sex life but you’ve done nothing. I asked you that so I could stop, the other women were all filling a void left by you. Still that's not an excuse- I'm wrong as pertains to this! I was willing to try foreplay but just because I made a comment you didn’t like does not mean you should stop trying to convince your husband.
I am too hard on DD1 and I do yell at you, both of which are wrong but to call me abusive is a stretch. I have always been an abrasive man and I continue to look for ways to improve and specifically on how I raise DD1. My kids are the first time I have been exposed to raising children. I don’t agree with the way you raise her either but I have never called you a bad mom. Instead even with my unhappiness I purchased gifts for you on mother’s day and try to show you how much I appreciate you.
I have been constantly raising my voice lately at you because of your carefree attitude. If it’s something that you’re not interested in, you don’t make an effort to fix or change it. But once it’s something you want, I am expected to follow along with not issues. Even minute things as hanging out with your parents, you and your mom decide when our family should come over and you always tell me at the last minute. You hardly talk to me at home; instead you send me an e-mail when I am in the same building as you. I asked you while I was in ___ for military training late last year to follow up on the ___ because they were ruining my credit due to what they called an “over payment”, you made a phone call which was not answered and never followed up again. Something as important as that was not a priority to you but instead you focus on helping your friend get ready for her marriage and your brother’s birthday party. You don’t put your marriage first and that’s what I will no longer accept- I cannot be married to a woman that does not consider our union a priority.
You say I want to be single and this is something you have constantly told your mom, if that was the case why didn’t I leave when we only had 1 child? Or before we had her? Why did I happily want another child with you? Don’t forget, you pressed me about having kids because of your age and when you wanted to have them, I initially had issues with it which I conveyed but eventually agreed with no regrets. Being a father has helped my maturity and motivation more than anything else in the world so I do love my kids. Like I always say coming home to them after a long day at work always makes it worth while.
You accuse me of staying with you because I think a divorce is more expensive. Actually it wouldn’t be more expensive for me. You have successfully portrayed me as a bad man with a duel life but all I have been since the first time we met was open. I always had problems with communicating my feelings, which ironically you helped me improve on only for you to stop communicating now.
If I did not have a parental guidance app on DD1’s ipad then I would never know that you were looking up divorce lawyers. Even when I called you about it, you lied to me, only to send me the e-mail below afterwards. I have asked for a divorce twice and I brought it to your attention first, you on the other hand spoke to your mom and contacted a lawyer without ever talking to me. You waited until I left for Chicago to start sneaking behind my back and you have the audacity to say you don’t trust me? You know where I am at all times and let’s not forget that I once caught you exchanging inappropriate sexual text messages with another man. We addressed it, I accepted your explanation and moved on, but for my explanations for my wrong doings...I always remain a liar.
I've been in ___ since Monday, working hard to provide for our family and you never call. You never even called me the entire time I was on the road from ___ to ___. You only called two days ago to make sure I wasn't coming home for the weekend. I asked you to skype me later on that day so I could see the kids and you never did. You have decided to keep my kids from me because hurtyetstrong always knows best. If we do get a divorce I will stay away and let you and your family raise the kids like you want.
I attempted to reach out to your brother for advice, I sent him a text saying...”Hey bruh, call me when you can. Out of respect I will talk to you about what I think is best for me and hurtyetstrong. I am seriously considering divorce.” His response was...”Did you really send me this?”, I wrote back, “Yea, I want your advice”. I called him and he forwarded me to his voice mail, I left him a message asking for his help on how to save my marriage and he never called back. Again, another example of how your family does not like me.
With all I have said as relates to your mom, I still think she has the best intentions but just needs to stay out of our marriage which I don’t think is possible. She helps us immensely which I appreciate but she always belittles me. I love her dearly because she has been there for me and I have tried to communicate my issues with her because I have never been close to my mom so I don't know how to. Ever since our quarrel in ___ I have perceived her as someone who despises me.
Hurtyetstrong, like I've said before I think that you need to stop telling people outside our marriage about what’s going on and focus on fixing our issues. I need to change as well and do more but things will never work if we cannot communicate. I included my family in this e-mail because you have done this through out our marriage. I am a 30 year old man from a different culture, I have tried to adapt but I have a lot to learn; as a man, a father and a husband. But you never make me feel appreciated. I am always at fault and you always act like you can do better than me. Well if that is what you desire, so be it.
Even with all our issues I still think our marriage can be saved and not just for the kids, because I actually love and adore my wife contrary to what you believe. I just need you to be my wife and not the mother of my kids and a roommate. I remain open to your suggestion of us going to marriage counseling but if you would rather just get a divorce and not try, then I am now comfortable with that decision as well, we can speak to a lawyer when I get back this Friday and start the divorce process.
I'm emotionally spent but I'm convinced that God can save our marriage. Marriage is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
In regards to the sexting he accused me of - it was flirtatious texts between an old friend and I before WH and I were married. I apologized and since then I do not have have any phone contact with men unless business or they are family.
Looking for advice on how I should proceed when he gets back...
