You have done nothing wrong, nothing at all.
You are only trying to make yourself feel safe. That is what you need to do.
He was wrong in turning it on you. He is wrong for not understanding that you need this and so much more.
I understand when you blame yourself, thinking that you ruined it. I did the same thing over and over. If only, I had done this or why did I say that.
It makes no difference, you have to do whatever is right for you. It is such a hard concept to grasp, I understand.
It is so hard to really understand that you do not have control over the situation. To realize that you can only control your actions, it is so very hard.
When my h left, I agonized over every word and action. Believed that somehow if I did the right thing, said the right words he would understand, recognize what he was doing, love me again.
It just doesn't work that way. Now I understand, but when you want to R so badly, it is hard to see the truth of it. You must put yourself first, you must protect you, you must be ready to walk away. It seems so counterintuitive.
H and I have talked about this, I have asked him now, recently. He has said to me that nothing I did had any influence on him at the time, positive or negative. That he had to come to the realization on his own that R is what he wanted.
I know how badly this hurts. Honestly, the best thing you can do is to stand up for yourself. Treat yourself the way you would if it were your daughter going though this, say to yourself the things you would say to her.
You deserve love, respect, honesty.
I hope in some way this helps. I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish there was a magic potion to take all the hurt away.
PM if you would like, if I could help in any way.
I could hear your pain and relate so well to it.
I am by no means an expert, I still have my daily struggles and am not even sure where this journey will end for me. I just needed to reach out to you.
((((freelancer))))