SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Many of you have been very supportive when I posted in the past. Two of my threads are here

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=518082&HL=39192

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=509335&HL=39192

To make a long story short, I grew tired of swallowing all the blame for our separation. I didn't feel like I was a good mother by taking my daughter back home when I couldn't really talk to my husband about the affair or his anger outbursts without it getting ugly. I asked him to cut back at work a bit to help me with the baby, go to counseling w me, etc. there were always reasons for him to not do either. So I never felt like he did enough to convince me to go home. He did visit us & take us places, but things got real dicey whenever we discussed the affair or his anger. As long as we didn't do this, we were fine which made me feel like a nagging over dramatic overbearing wife.

This past week, I went home as a test run. I brought up something that was unresolved from months before. He threatened to hit me once and I wanted to have a conversation about setting boundaries & that even threats were unacceptable. The conversation went south when he denied the threat, then told me I misunderstood, then said he had no choice bc I made him mad bc I wouldn't stop asking him questions about the affair. He then mocked me and said I was making a big deal out of nothing as I usually did. He then tried to mock me further by say, "what do you want me to say? That I'm gonna kill you?" I know he didn't mean it but was mocking to show that by comparison his initial threat wasn't all that bad and definitely not worth bringing up again. I got really upset, and went to gather my things to leave. As I entered the house, I opened the door with such force the door bounced off the door stopper and made a loud thud sound. It was immature of me and I regretted it right away. He followed me and said "you dumb bitch. Don't ever slam the door. You're just a dumb bitch." I didn't say a word. I was in shock. Instead I went to our baby to leave. He didn't let me pass and held and shoved me away from the passageway. I found another way around, got my daughter, and returned to my parents, when I got here I had a very small bloody cut on my finger and red scratch marks or handprint on my right arm. I'm not sure how/when it happened. It didn't hurt till I hot home & went away my the end of night.

This, in addition to the blame he's placed on me for not moving home first, then letting him make these changes led me to where I am now, I asked a lot of him & wanted to see consistent change before I returned home. Maybe I was naive & instead the separation didn't allow us to rebuild instead of serving to motivate him to change. If so, I have to live with that. I thought I was being smart. He believes I was just stubborn. & unrealistic.

So I filed and I don't feel much. I know it's bc my adrenaline is pumping. What happens next? Am I going to crash? How do I get through the next step? Did I make the wrong choice. Please help.

statistic,

When the adrenaline wears off, sometimes doubts set in, then anger, fear. It is the rollercoaster ride some more.

But, eventually everything settles and calm comes.

NOW. A 2 X 4 is coming your way.

Do NOT ever leave without filing a police report. He committed a felony when he refused to let you leave the premises. He was verbally and physically abusive to you as well.

This has to get reported if there is a repeat. This kind of abuse only escalates. It may be too late now to get a restraining order or file a police report, but you should definitely look into this.

He believes I was just stubborn. & unrealistic.

FTG and his thoughts. First off he is dead wrong, and second he is blameshifting. Blameshifting is a form of emotional abuse.

Please trust me, I grew up with a stepfather who started off yelling at Mom and us kids. It escalated within less than a year to pushing and grabbing. After a few months the beatings and brainwashing commenced.

At this point, do not even go on the property or take a witness and a VAR for child drop offs. Also, check with your L to see if you can have it in a court order that drop offs are somewhere both safe and neutral (with lots of witnesses around).

And, of course he will blame you, it's his pathetic weak way of not accepting ANY responsibility for his actions.

(((statistic)))

You did the best thing you could do!

The same stuff happened to me. I asked him to get counseling, he said I had a problem, He squeeled tires down our driveway, I finally had to call the police on him. I had not filed for a legal separation, so I could not be helped. I then filed and he respected the law after that.

I urge you to make out a police report so it will be on file, but if you don't feel you can this time, have a VAR with you at all times -- it is at walmart for 50.00. practice with it at first. and the next time he says or does ANYTHING get a police report. It will help you in the long run.

Also, if you will call the domestic violence center in your area, they will set you up with counseling. It's basically free, and it is AWESOME having an extra set of eyes on the situation, they will go to court with you, AND the support the counseling gives you will help you thru all of this.

I promised my children and myself that our property lines were our safe haven from the world. No one was going to intimidate us or hurt us here, not even their Dad.

(((statistic)))

This is going to sound so very stupid, but I was afraid of angering him even more by calling the police. I thought doing so would send him into the stratosphere. All I wanted was to get out and I did. I didn't realize domestic violence shelters will help and even go to court. But he didn't hit me or anything as serious as what others have experienced so I feel a bit silly asking for help because of some words and a shove/grab.

Thanks for validating me & letting me know what to expect next.

First, no you do not sound silly. Emotional abuse is so controlling and it doesn't happen in a day. Little by little what seems wrong no longer seems wrong until you don't know up from down anymore because he has perfectly conditioned you to walking on eggshells.

But now you know.

Second, it is very much an enforceable act. ANYTIME ANYONE touches you in ANY fashion against your will it is assault.

And every touch is a count of assault. AND each time he threatens you either verbally or by aggressively getting in your safe space (because just standing over you in an aggressive fashion is a threat in the eyes of the law) is now battery. So you have several counts of assault and battery. Him not allowing you to leave is a felony...but see a L for the specific charges.

With your child present, it is endangerment of a minor. Even one count of any of these is grounds for a domestic battery restraining order.

BTW, you did good getting out. That was THE most important thing. But you could have gone a block away and called the police or gone to the next door neighbors and called and filed a report.

Do not second guess getting away. Now you know if this should ever happen again what you need to do. However, keeping yourself and baby safe in the first place for all future times in his presence is even more important. Hence the reason I suggested having a neighbor, friend, or family member present with a VAR.

I also reiterate, get it in writing and in front of a judge to adjudicate that drop off of minor children is at police station, mall, recreation center....someplace safe and with lots of witnesses.

I will take this advice. Thank you. I am going to need some support when I start to doubt myself again. I didn't realize what happened was so serious. It was scary and shocking in the moment. I just don't want to believe he can be that way and I let myself be in that type of relationship. I thought if he could just learn to control his anger, we would be ok and be able to work out the affair stuff. Now it's just become overwhelming to me and like it's too much to overcome....especially when all the fall out and collateral damage from the separation are my fault in his opinion. He said I am reaping what I sow and if it makes me happy.

Is there a thread for angry or abusive WS's? Or is there a way can search forums using key words to find others that have posted about similar things?

statistic: I am sorry for your pain. I realize you are doubting and worried about filing. Based on what I read, you did all you could. Unfortunately ur best intentions do not guarantee ur H best results. When the adrenaline wears off you may second guess yourself but understand, D is a process that can take several months. If your WH wants to R then it is now upon him to present a compelling case for your to consider.

I would say that in your situation that compelling case should be knowing that you know it is the right thing to do for YOU. You can still work to R even while going through D if so inclined. You can even delay final judgement if something amazing starts to happen.

Good luck

He was attempting to contol you by fear. Emotional abuse.

When the adrenaline wears off, re read your posts. That will wake you up quickly.

Sending you MoJo

I am still feeling very ...numb I guess. I've not cried, just busting my butt to take care of our 9 month old and turn this new space we are living in to a place that works for our daughter and I. So many changes.

Still, there are moments when I feel very alone. He has not called or tried to see/visit our daughter all weekend. I am not surprised or terribly upset over it. It's very different than where I was a few months ago when not hearing from him would devastate me.

In some ways, it is a relief to be out of limbo and know the direction I am going in. However, I doubt myself left and right. I think of all the things I probably did wrong or expectations that I set that were too high...not giving him enough of a chance or appreciating the smaller things he was doing. I was to angry and wanted to address whatever problem we had here and now, when he preferred to give it time, move on as a couple, and address it over time. He said he would make it up to me in his actions over time, but he couldn't do it all at once. I wanted too much up front. And he said he definitely can't do it while we were living separately. He was right, but it would of been a revolving door because of his temper and my need to talk about the affair and his anger. He told me all couples fight and I need to learn to handle it like an adult and stay home to work on it, instead of run to my parents each time he says something. I would leave when he would get angry during a conversation about the affair, counseling, changing his job, etc and he would explode - throw something, hit himself in the head with his fists, hit the car dash board, tell me to fuck off, or call me a psycho drama queen, etc. This is the moment I would leave back to my folks. Then he would blame me for not solving the problem by walking away. He said I would pick a fight, then walk away when I didn't like what I was hearing. I tried to set an example - I would get louder or cry when I was upset, but never insulted him, called him a name, etc. But that didn't work.

Things unraveled this past week when my parents said they wanted nothing to do with him bc of his behavior. Hence, they moved out of a home they were renting from him. My WH was so angry with me bc he said if I didn't tell my folks about the affair or about the things he said, they never would feel uncomfortable or upset with his and leave. It's partly true bc they wouldn't know what was going on. Now they are living in a tiny apartment. Regret, regret, and more regret. Guilt, guilt, and more guilt. Adrenaline wearing off... guilt, regret, fear of the future setting in.

I really need you, SIer's to stay the course.

Oh honey. The guilt is what he is counting on. He knows what buttons to push because he installed them as NIK says. His anger is a tool he uses to manipulate you. Someone who really loves and deserves you would NEVER blame the fallout from their actions on you. Don't let him make you think you've done wrong. It's just more gaslighting and blame shifting. Hell no your parents shouldn't be involved with him as tenants! I'm glad they have your back. He doesn't deserve to have any tenants at all but the world being what it is, I'm glad that at least he has lost your parents in that role.

I hope you can go to some CODA meetings or get counseling at a local women's shelter. This man has been abusing you and you have internalized his logic. It's time to break free.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:26 AM, April 28th (Monday)]

You seriously need to stop blaming yourself.

NOTHING YOU did had anything to do with this broken f'd up man. He did his best to hide his true self as long as he could unfortunately when he had too much going on, a wife and girlfriend he could no longer keep up the act for all to believe.

He is an abuser. Did you read that? Read it again. HE IS AN ABUSER. He could give two farts about you, and your daughter. It is the sad hard truth. NOW here is the really really cool part.

YOU KNOW THIS NOW!!!! You have been given the gift of a fresh new start. He will be your X husband, and part time dad (if any at all to your daughter) sooner than later. What a wonderful gift. No raising her in a home that is so broken, that is so messed up that mom doubts every move she makes, and does everything to please this abusive asshole. NO she is going to have a mommy that loves her is strong, and independent. YOU Can do this, YOU will do this, and you and your Daughter will be much better off.

You deserve much more. He has given you the gift of getting it.

He is so broken, and sick that he would never be able to give you and your daughter the love and support and repect, and honor you both deserve. Let him make his exit, and be happy that it happened now, and not when your daughter is 14, and you had burned another decade of your life away trying to keep him happy, and never being good enough for him.

YOU ARE PERFECT YOU ARE SMART YOU ARE STRONG. You need to keep telling yourself this, along with I DID ALL I COULD HE IS A SAD BROKEN LITTLE MAN. By little I mean in his spiritual self.

Take this gift, and run with it. You can do so much now. Focusing on making you and your daughter happy and healthy. From this day forward do one nice thing for YOU every day.

This is what I said in January. I repeat it today. Quit bearing the guilt of the shit he did.

This is NOT your fault.

Do you remember the whole cycle of abuse that was posted on your first thread? Go back and re read it. Now compare that to your situation.

Sound familiar?

YOU my dear are able to get out from under this sick twisted man. And IF he ever touches you again, you notify the police, you take pictures that are date/time stamped. Hell go to the ED if you have to. You want that stuff on record so he doesn't get rights to your baby girl, and that he is held accountable for the pain, grief and financial issues he has caused in your life.

Always nice to hear from you Tush Nurse. I've not read my old posts. The thought makes me nervous. I will when I feel more ready. I remeber your post from before. I can't beleive the same thing applies.

I'm incredibly sad. I know he is feeling this loss and much as I am. I never wanted to hurt him. Regardless of what he did to me, I've not wanted to hurt him, but get him to change.

I know how he view this bc he has mentioned it many times. He said I put too much pressure on him, put him in a corner with no where to move. And in the end I didn't give him a fair shot.

I knew his limitations, particularly with anger, yet I still pushed for and made it a condition that he work on it. I'm rambling. I'm so incredibly sad.

I doubt he will ever get physical ever again but I'll document it next time.

He said I put too much pressure on him, put him in a corner with no where to move. And in the end I didn't give him a fair shot.

Don't you believe that for one second. You gave that ass more than enough fair chances. You asked, begged, pleaded, and even gave him no other option he still chose to put himself and his needs first. YOU CAN'T FIX THAT. YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM CHANGE IF HE ISN'T WILLING TO CHANGE HIMSELF.

I doubt he will ever get physical ever again but I'll document it next time

Sweety, don't fool yourself. When a NPD man such as him gets backed into a corner, and doesn't see a way out, they will do whatever it takes. He has mentally and verbally abused for a very long time, and now he has crossed a line into physical. It WILL escalate. DO NOT ALLOW yourself to be alone with him. And if for some reason you are, keep a VAR on you.

I know you don't want to hurt him, but he already sees himself as hurt and he believes to his very core it is all your fault. YOU CANT CHANGE THAT. You do need to protect yourself, and your little one from that level of crazy though.

((((and strength))))

Gosh, stat, I'm in awe of you and your amazing powers!! What else is that dumbshit going to try to *blame* you for? World hunger? High poverty rate? Poor job outlook? I mean, seriously.

He is abusive. He is a bully.

I see him as a NeverMind-type of emotional abuser: he chooses to focus on you and your reaction as the *cause* of the problem, and NeverMind what HE has done to elicit your response.

**your marriage is failing because YOU choose to live separately -- NeverMind that he demeans you and is verbally abusive.

**communication between you two sucks because YOU always *run away* -- NeverMind that he mocks you and intimidates you.

**your parents wouldn't have moved out if you hadn't had such a *big mouth* -- NeverMind that if he wasn't such an abusive ass there would be nothing to tell.

I strongly, strongly suggest that you locate a domestic violence organization in your area. Yes, you can read books about abuse and read SI member's viewpoints on your situation -- BUT I think that you need *more*. Having an IRL person listen to your story and then look you in the eye and tell you that he is incredibly abusive will be very powerful (it was for me anyway). Having an objective person look you in the eye and tell you that you don't have to twist yourself into a pretzel in order to be treated with dignity and respect is also very empowering.

Under NO circumstances should you be alone with this guy again. None -- not even with a VAR. Leaving an abuser is dangerous and the abusers are wild cards. Perhaps he'll keep his wits about him and not escalate with the physical behaviors, but you cannot bet the farm on it. There are abusers who flip their shit when the relationship ends and there is no way to know ahead of time how he will react. He is already escalating. I don't want you to *become* your username (a 'statistic').

Reporting his behavior to the police IS scary, but it may become necessary. If he EVER touches you without your permission again, call the police on him. Get out with your child (if you can) or lock yourself in a room -- and make the call.

There are resources available to help you -- you just need to make use of them.

eta: In case you don't see this, you have been displaying a large amount of strength. You have not *caved* in to his demand that you come home. You leave when he starts acting the ass. Also, you filed. You are taking steps in the right direction.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 12:52 PM, April 28th (Monday)]

"Never mind" is a really good way to describe him. I've not thought about it that way. The issue I struggle with is he is not mean all the time. He can be very warm and considerate and funny. He spent all his time away from work with the baby and I as long as we were on good terms. I kept thinking that I knew something about him, something good, that no one had the privilege of knowing. Sure, on the surface he could be mean, but I was so, I don't know, insightful or knew him like no one else did, that I knew deep down he was a decent human being. I felt like I knew something about him that no one else knew & it was a privilege for him to let me in on that. Does that make sense? Sorry if it doesn't.

I do feel a sense of relief in that I'm no longer in limbo. I'm sure he is relieved as well. He's not tried to communicate.

The ironic piece of this is that the huge argument where he called me a dumb b:$&/ and held and shoved me started bc I brought up an argument we had ages ago when I was 7 months pregnant and he throated to hit me if I didn't shut up and go away. I remember I was asking him questions, following him around the house bc I figured something else out about the affair. It was beginning to unravel. I brought it up bc I was never able to set a boundary around that. That's when the fight started bc he said I was bringing up old dirt and had to find a way to ruin a perfectly nice day out of the blue. We were having a nice day, just never knew when to bring things like this up.

I know he is telling his family and friends how I've tortured him for 7 months and he has done all he could. That really bothers me. I love my in laws and our close friends. I hate that they are hearing this and I look like the bad guy. I hope they realize a woman doesn't divorce her husband of 10 years with an infant without good reason. Thank you all for your help. Don't know what I'd do without you.

Sister you need to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on you.

Of course people realize there is more to the story than what he is telling and if they don't they were not worth knowing or having as friends anyway.

Once again I see you justifying his reactions, and blaming yourself. He got angry, because YOU didn't know when it was a good time to discuss him fucking another woman????? Seriously????

I hope your aren't buying that steaming pile of shit he is selling you. He is manipulative, and has the abuse cycle perfected.

He blows up at you and then when you fall into line, and do what he wants he is sweet, kind, generous, even loving to a fault. But look out if you have to deal with the emotional fallout of HIS A. Then you are a bad guy, and it's all your fault for ruining things. Please see the insanity in this.

You deserve so much more, and so does your child. Stand up for yourself, and demand it.

((((and strength)))

It's true. I hope they know there is more to the story and I shouldn't spend time worrying about them.

I do see the insanity of it all, which is why I never went home, though I desperately wanted to sometimes, and have filed. I question myself and my actions, because of these real life consequences that are very painful, all the time. I will probably always wonder if I could of done more or something differently, aside from what he did or didn't do. If he were a bad guy all the time, or even the majority of the time without showing any heart or love for me and my daughter, this would be easier because its much more clear cut. But because his bad behavior was followed by or preceded by loving, considerate behavior, well it makes it less so.

I meet with my therapist today. I'm not sure if mentioned before, but I found a wonderful individual therapist. Her words and perceptions are consistent with those of you all.

I try not to buy what he is selling me and I think I've done ok for the most part, but it's my nature nowadays, for better or worse, to just second guess everything and try to see things from his perspective in case I am missing something. I don't trust my perceptions anymore so I borrow from others.

Tush said it best: he has the abuse cycle perfected.

***he is not mean all the time. He can be very warm and considerate and funny.***

That's an abuser's textbook MO. If he were mean all of the time, you'd leave him. But by acting warm and considerate towards you sometimes, he keeps you hooked and is able to tell himself (and others) that he is a *great* guy because he does nice things for you.

A decent human being doesn't go around telling his wife/child's mother that she's a dumb bitch. Just sayin'.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:49 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]

I guess you are right, gonna be. I tend to make excuses like...it was out of anger, he didn't mean it.

Well, the adrenaline is wearing off and I am having a hard time keep a straight face today. I just want to turn into a puddle of tears on the floor. I haven't even gone into the office, just sitting in the parking lot.

WH asked to talk over the phone today because he has a few things to tell me. I am so scared. Will he turn things around on my again? Will eh accuse me of doing the wrong things again?

The divorce petition my lawyer submitted indicated the usual legal jargon and infidelity as grounds for divorce, but she also included "cruel" behavior on behalf of my husband as grounds for divorce. I would like her to remove it because this will make him even more difficult to deal with. I still think we can manage to do this in an amicable manner if we both try. Has anyone else had anything like this in their divorce petition?