Stunmellet.....know that EVERY BS feels & shares these same sentiment and questions of why that you've asked, including myself. It is soooo unfair ....as loyal wives, all we have done is bend over backwards & sacrifice for our career, children, family and husbands. We all put their needs above ours while we nurture & upkeep our household. We thought our M was good so was our husbands....we thought they would never hurt /betray us in the worse way possible. So when Dday came, it turned our world upside down and spin our head like nothing else could.
We thought we were the lucky one...we thought we were enough.....we thought we were so happy and blessed and special and (some) the "perfect couple." When that bubble bursted, we, unfortunately only felt the opposite and every despicable emotion imaginable.
Their awful actions of betrayal have changed us, our feelings about people and the world, how we interact with others, how we feel about the every chores and joys of life. It numbs and dulls everything we see and touch. It completely destroy the perception of what a good M we thought we had.
They did this to us and never thought about the consequences of their actions. The one and only person whom we thought would always have our back....stabbed us a million times over and twisted that knife thru our hearts. It feels like death would be preferred over this this slow, lingering, torturing, tormenting pain, sadness, bitterness & despair that betrayal brings.
In my case, extreme selfishness and a sense of entitlement were his main downfall. I believe all the ego stroking, cake eating, secretcy, curiousity (we were each other's first love), boredom, etc contributed to the "high" while he was in the affair. He said he always loved me and never intended to leave the M, yet he was able to sickly compartmentalized it all for over 2 yrs.
It appears in your case that it involved just one AP. Mine involved 2 other APs and a handful of escorts. Your H at least had the guilty conscious which I wish my H had to end the A instead of me discovering out myself....my body cringes everytime I think about his A & how he was able to lie to me for so long!
R is a long and difficult road. We are the strong one, just like before, that has to be the mortal that holds the bricks together because of our WSes weakness and brokenness.
Some of the whys may never be fully answered and some may lingered in our heads for a long time to come. I've come to accept the reality that this is my new life...full of confusion, uncertainty, sadness, bitterness.....but I have come to realize that we ourselves control our own happiness and destiny. I will turn the lemons I receive into sweet lemonade to drink and savor and live life to the fullest and not let his betrayal consume me. It has made me a stronger person and
I will survive and make my M better than it ever was.
I hope you find peace and tranquility in this turbulent journey ahead.....