Hmm... On one hand, I think giving yourself a voice is important. But, on the other - she isn't going to hear a word you say. In her mind, she has never given you a second thought. She believed, hook line and sinker, any lies that your WS gave her. I'm also not sure how I feel about giving her that "power" over your pain, if that makes sense? Like, I don't think she'll likely feel empathy - but you baring your own pain that she has caused may give her a certain power?
On the other hand - I contacted OW#1 and OW#2 and have not regretted it yet.
When I found out via phonelogs, my husband had already deleted his phone's text history and his initial reaction was to stonewall. So, I texted OW#2 (didn't know she was #2 yet) and asked her if she'd had sex with my husband. Of course, no response. My husband did a quick stonewall-denial-start TT... then finally admitting a PA with her. So, I sent her another text "don't need to know the details now. Screwing him staring at my baby's carseat? What a F*d up people you both are. Oh and hi, apparently we've met. F* off." My husband called her later that afternoon to tell her it was over, he had no feelings, etc etc don't ever contact him again. That was end of contact with #2.
She was just a F*buddy. That's it. She knew he was married, she was a serial cheater on her own boyfriend. So beyond telling her to F* off, I had no desire to say anything to her because she just wouldn't get it. She would not care about my feelings, my pain, my children's pain, etc. I'm not wasting energy trying to drill humanity into that kind of person.
OW#1 was a 10 month-long EA/PA. I read all of their emails to each other - they wrote poetry, exchanged love, etc. And that was a very small snippet since most of it was done in person, on the phone, and via text. When her BS found out, she minimized it to him (said it was ONS), promised no contact - and then sought out a ton of secondary means to contact my husband and continue the A - pinger, various work phones, new email, etc. I knew she would be the one who would keep up trying to contact my husband regardless of a NC.
So I emailed her because I knew that OW#2 would give her some heartbreak. I told her that surprise, when I found out - it wasn't with her, it was with another woman, and he was so lovestruck with OW#1 that he was carrying on with OW#2 as well. That he was playing both of them so well, while telling me how happy he was with me and how in love he was with me as well. I also told her to leave her abusive marriage and maybe one day she'll find a relationship where she wasn't default #2 (and then #3) choice.
Her response? "I was a fool. I'm sorry. If you don't mind, can you tell me who the other woman was?"
It's laughable, because through all of that - she didn't give a lick about ruining my family - why would she? She didn't care about ruining her own! What did she care about? She wanted to know about the second affair partner who he "cheated on her" with. Because she couldn't swallow or fathom or even begin to comprehend that from the very first moment he flirted with her, she was already being cheated on by default because he was married to me.
My husband called her the next day and told her that he didn't love her, it was all just a fake fantasy world, it was over, never contact. She has not tried (to my knowledge). I was hoping the email would serve the purpose of crushing her feelings for him in a way that a NC phonecall from him would not (since she would've just written it off as me making him do it and he loved her, etc)
Sorry for the lengthy response - but that was my experience contacting OW#1 and OW#2. Neither "got it." Nether cared. I didn't bare my pain to them. I wanted them to "see" me as a strong person, and know that they're nothing but dirt that I'm trying to wipe off my boots.
[This message edited by Lark at 11:57 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]