SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Three weeks ago, I came home from a long motorcycle trip to attend a conference for work. I rode my motorcycle to try and clear my head, to work out what I could do to make our relationship better. I resolved to better myself and let the rest come naturally.

Then I round a hotel receipt in her purse. After many lies, with her only admitting to each lie after being caught, I got the truth (I think). She's been having sex with another man. She tells me three times, and I believe that to be the truth.

I am crushed, naturally. I don't shoulder any blame for the affair, but I do shoulder most of the blame for our terrible relationship. I have come to realize that I am dragging around all kinds of psychological baggage that I need to take care of. This baggage causes me to destroy relationships.

We are seeing a couples counselor, but have only been to one session so far. We are both supposed to read the book "After the Affair". I have read most, but she has only just started. I am trying to make an appointment with a psychologist after visiting my family doctor.

We are living in the same house with our two young daughters, but I don't know what we're supposed to be doing. I am on the roller coaster in a big way, and so is she.

I just feel so awful, I don't know what to do.

I am going out with some new people tonight and in a couple of days, but I'm afraid that if I start to do that, she will too, and I'm not sure I can handle the thought of her out doing whatever she's doing without me. The trust is gone.

Sorry for the writing style, I'm usually much more expressive than this, but I'm having trouble keeping it together here.

Welcome to SI.

I feel your pain. I know it well myself.

Up in the top left corner is the healing library.

Check out the FAQ for BS. And what all the abreviations mean.

Right now your in shock because you just suffered a huge trauma. My advice right now is to not make any life changing decisions now. You will have plenty of time for that.

Make sure she goes NC with this guy. Have her send a text while you watch.

We all have our issues. But know that her affair is 100% not your fault. That's all on her.

We are glad you joined and you will find the support here is like no other. (Except IC). Others will be along soon to give you good sound advise. Mean time read read read the healing library and go a few pages back in this forum and read the posts with the bullseyes next to them. I will bump one for you now that has links to other good posts.

It's hard but make sure you eat And drink lots of water. This shit is really hard on your body.

Keep posting and again Welcome.

I've been reading around here for a while now, and I see that I have to do the 180. Just like my best friend keeps telling me.

I have already been doing it, and it drove her to come to me in tears that I'm pulling away. Then I caved.

Back on track. Still exercising. Going out with some people I've never met tonight. Going out again on Sunday with friends. Getting odd jobs done around the house (and cars).

I have not asked her to send a text to the OM for a couple of reasons:

1. I believe she has already broken contact; and

2. She could send that text, and call him immediately afterward to rescind the message.

I don't think it will make me feel any better.

Please do not blame yourself. Yes, you perhaps could have been a better partner, and you should certainly do your best to improve the areas you wish you had been different in--but do it because that is a gift to yourself. It doesn't lessen your hurt or the betrayal no matter what the state of the marriage was before.

Also, perhaps your wife is telling the truth about the A and they did only have sex three times; but often the first reveal is downplayed and the actual extent is far beyond what is confessed, so prepare yourself to discover more.

I am going out with some new people tonight and in a couple of days, but I'm afraid that if I start to do that, she will too, and I'm not sure I can handle the thought of her out doing whatever she's doing without me

I'm not quite sure what 'going out with some new people' means here but if you are considering a revenge affair (RA), that is not the answer. You really don't want to send this spiraling further downward. Yes, the trust is gone right now; do you want to try and rebuild it? More importantly does your wife want to try that too? It's good to focus on you and your own needs in the aftermath but not to the point of destructiveness.

Ok. But at least you will know she did it. And if she breaks NC it will be deliberate. Does her AP have a spouse? If so get a hold of them and let them know what's going on. Then there will be more eyes watching. Also do you have open access to all electronics and e mails. She should be an open book. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I'm 2 yrs out and also found receipt for hotel. That's when my world crashed. It's sucked so bad because I suspected for a few months and confronted her a few times but she denied. Until I had the recipes. Then and to this day only admitted what I could prove. It still bothers me.

She has told me I can look at her phone, emails, etc. any time I want, and I asked once. She was miffed, but she let me look.

My best friend, who has given me very good advice thus far says don't. Too needy. She knows I might check too, so I doubt there's anything to see.

I can see that she is very distraught about her behaviour, and feeling guilty and ashamed. She confided in a freind (whose husband is my friend) and her friend was less than sympathetic to her, having been a BS herself. Then her friend contacted me to offer herself as a support/confidante.

She also seems relieved to finally have the magnitude of her dis-satisfaction with the marriage out in the open.

Again - I know I'm not responsible for the affair, and I have told her as much, but I was treating her very poorly for quite a long time. The reasons for this don't really matter to her, but I am now working to understand the reasons and correct the behaviours that resulted. With or without her.

She also told me that she feels a little angry that I'm making these changes now rather than a year ago. She also says she feels like I'm going to be a better person and she'll have to watch me in a future relationship with some other woman reaping the rewards of the dues she's paid.

That's something, I guess.

By the way, I am not looking to have a revenge affair.

I am going out with people from the website meetups.com to go kayaking today, and to play trivia on Sunday.

I'm not sure how revenge sex works... I don't think little ChangeMaker isn't really "up" to it right now.

I will always have the high ground in this regard. I have never cheated, and never will. As far as I'm concerned I'm still married (for now).

She also seems relieved to finally have the magnitude of her dis-satisfaction with the marriage out in the open.

So she was doing this as revenge against you for being bad? What about the broken inside of her? When did she decide it was ok to betray herself? She could care less about your pain it would seem.

she feels a little angry that I'm making these changes now rather than a year ago

Angry at you for becoming a better person? What the.... The subtle "rather than a year ago"... as if you're being a shitty person is to blame for her abhorrent decisions.

She also says she feels like I'm going to be a better person and she'll have to watch me in a future relationship with some other woman reaping the rewards of the dues she's paid.

This sounds to me like she's blaming her decision to be unfaithful upon you being a "bad person" or whatever. In addition, the dues she's paid? The affair was her just compensation for your behavior? FTN. Don't accept this blameshifting.

ETA: And please REALLY think about this: Never take personal improvement advice from someone who has proven that they have an agenda besides having your best interest at heart. It's like getting advice on job interview prep from a homeless guy.

[This message edited by Mercilesslynuked at 11:20 AM, June 27th (Friday)]

This sounds to me like she's blaming her decision to be unfaithful upon you being a "bad person" or whatever. In addition, the dues she's paid? The affair was her just compensation for your behavior? FTN. Don't accept this blameshifting.

I don't accept it. Thank you for the face slap. I used the term "dues she's paid", but that's what she was gettin' at.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 11:18 AM, June 27th (Friday)]

She has told me I can look at her phone, emails, etc. any time I want, and I asked once. She was miffed, but she let me look.

My best friend, who has given me very good advice thus far says don't. Too needy.

He is wrong on this point. It is not being "needy". It is about "transparency" and taking control back of the situation. By having an affair, she has lost the right to privacy within the marriage. It is not YOU who needs to work to stay in this marriage now, it is her that needs to work to earn some semblance trust back. There's nothing more destructive to a relationship than betrayal, and she nuked your marriage with infidelity. This trumps whatever issues you both had within the marriage.

The reasons for this don't really matter to her, but I am now working to understand the reasons and correct the behaviours that resulted.

Go with this reason - the issue is with her and the fact that she is broken and her poor coping skills led her to believe she can solve her own personal issues with an affair. It has nothing to do with you. Analyzing marital issues is one thing when two spouses are approaching this in a healthy way, in counseling, without an affair being the giant elephant in the room. But you don't have that situation right now. You have a wife who needs to:

1) Show remorse for what she has done

2) Be transparent and truthful about the affair

3) Establish NC with the OM

4) Work on herself to fix her broken and help you heal for the infidelity.

Do the above with action, not just words.

Using marital issues as a reason for an affair is a cop-out for facing hard choices, making hard conversations, taking a risk of putting your own feelings of the situation "out there". She had a choice to sit you down and spell out the situation for you if she was dissatisfied about the relationship. Honestly, unless your couples counselor is experienced with infidelity, I think couples counseling right now is pointless.

I'm going to go against the grain a bit and suggest you be careful here in implementing the 180 full force. By your own admission, you seem to be leading a separate life from your family, and your continuing to do so with your meetups might hurt more than help.

If you want your marriage to heal and grow, you're going to have to meet your wife's needs, as she must meet your's. You can't do that by continuing to spend so much time apart.

I'm normally not a big fan of the marriagebuilders site, but they do have some good plans for those situations where both parties want to reconcile and rebuild their marriage.

The motorcycles help, they help me clear my head, keep doing things you like, dont slump into depression and give up things you enjoy, it will be hard but you need to be strong for you and your daughters. About your wife you might get the truth or you might not, I have had a cheating wife for most of my marriage and the truth is still coming out slowly, they will defend their right to offer you only as much as they think you are willing to take. They have vested interests in your future since you and the children will be interacting forever, or until you die, so she has to try and keep you happy to some extent no matter if she reconciles or not. Take vitamins, go to the gym (!), sleep as much as you can and reach out to others like myself who have walked in your shoes, we have spent lifetimes of brain power thinking through options and issues, so perhaps we can help your journey a bit. Speaking of Journey, crank up some loud music, pump your fists, and let your body work out the stress as much as you can. She must be tested for STD, keep in mind, virus such as HIV may not show up for months, you need good tests like PCR to catch low levels of virus, also if she says they used a condom, BS, virus pass through condoms easily the size of a virus particle is like 1/10000 of a latex pour. Take care sir, my prayers are with you.

ChangeMaker, I 'am sorry for what you are going through. I have been there.

You wife has not told you the full truth that is just text book minimizing. You should get a time line from her and MAKE her send him a NC letter.

You seem reluctant to take the advise that has been given to you. Why are you here? What are you looking for from the members here? No one here can help you if you do not take the advise and put it into practice.

Also WTF are going out with new people for if you want to save your marriage? I really do not get that one. If you start that behavior your wife will simply continue having sex with another man. It really is that simple.

Sit down with your wife get to the bottom of this mess and work on your marriage (not new friendships)and end the affair. If you think the affair is over because that is what she said you have been duped.

Also WTF are going out with new people for if you want to save your marriage? I really do not get that one. If you start that behavior your wife will simply continue having sex with another man. It really is that simple.

I just need to break my isolation. I am relatively new to this city, which she grew up in, and most of my friends are her friends or their spouses. I need some social time away from the subject of her.

You seem reluctant to take the advise that has been given to you. Why are you here? What are you looking for from the members here? No one here can help you if you do not take the advise and put it into practice.

I am definitely not dismissing the advice given here, but I am a thoughtful sort of Joe and like to consider things before acting. I am going to ask to see her phone tonight, and I am going to ask her to send him a NC letter this weekend, with no advance notice. She either does it right when I ask, or I'll consider her affair ongoing and consider my next move.

Sit down with your wife get to the bottom of this mess and work on your marriage (not new friendships)and end the affair. If you think the affair is over because that is what she said you have been duped.

So how will I KNOW? The NC letter is really not the be-all and end-all is it? She could easily follow up with him and tell him I made her do it. I'm sure he doesn't care.

Change Maker

She should not be getting miffed about you asking for anything. She was the one fucking other men. You need that timeline and you need to snoop or do anything you want to on order to make sure what she has admitted to was the extent of it. When they get caught, you usually do not get the whole truth.

She should be wanting you to see everything electronic that she owns. And you should without her knowing co your cell provider and get listings of calls made and received from a month before DDay through the next couple of months. DO NOT tell her you are doing this.

Even of you stay with her , she has to understand her actions have consequences and you need to contact OM spouse of there is one.

Lastly, if she met this man on AM or adult web site you can assume she had contact with lot of other men. Females get bombarded with offers on these sites.

You need some more information here and the worst thing you can do is believe everything she tells you now.

Remember, she is the cheater, not you

Speaking from someone who made her BF send the NC a text that it was over. It didn't work. They started talking immediately. It has to come from them, you can't make them do something they don't want to do.

I have lost my BF this past week. My story is under "my story." I left a lot out but i wrote a book...My point being he and I have the same friends as well. I have decided to go out with others not as dates really but to get my mind off of this. I'm not looking for revenge sex either. In fact I don't even want to kiss someone else. But I do want a little happiness and sitting at home staring at the walls for hours is not cutting it.

one other thing. While I'm not married, I still carry the thought of wanting to fix it. Though, I believe mine is unfixable. I'm not ready to give up the notion and will not sink to his level while I'm out with other people. I want companionship and someone to talk to other than about my life with him. I think its okay ChangeMaker if you want to get out. Just make sure your reasons and boundaries don't get crossed. You don't want regret.

[This message edited by brokengirl2 at 1:29 PM, June 27th (Friday)]