I thought I had graduated from needing SI and only came here to encourage others or to be reminded of how far behind me the mess of my so-called marriage was....until this last weekend.
Those of you who know my story know that I was brutally raped by my then-spousal unit. It's been over four years and I haven't been touched, haven't dated, haven't been interested, haven't kissed, nothing.
I ran into a friend at a restaurant a while back and she invited me to her wedding...so I went. Long story short, she introduced me to a guy, but not as a blind date. It was more of a back seat thing. Bikers. He had an empty back seat. That's all there was supposed to be to it. An afternoon ride on a Sunday afternoon and nothing more.
Except he likes me. I mean really likes me. I don't want to be liked in that way. Except he's a real gentleman and it was fun to be on the back of a motorcycle again. It's been many, many years.
So then he asked me if I wanted to go dancing with him and our mutual friend/her husband. I didn't see anything wrong with it but I didn't consider it a date. Because I'm a fucking idiot, that's why.
So the beer was flowing and I was dancing and having a great time. He brought me home and he tried to kiss me and I had a flashback. It wasn't good. I moved away and just hugged him back, but avoided any facial contact. He thought I was being a lady. I was reliving a nightmare.
We went out for another ride the other day and I thought, "I can do this. It happened years ago. I can put it behind me." Except I can't. So when he tried to kiss me again, I moved away and he chuckled and asked me if I was afraid that I was going to feel something. I waved goodbye. I told him I'd talk to him later.
I skipped the ride yesterday that they all go on every weekend to wherever. I called him today and told him that I wanted to talk to him. He picked me up and we rode to a biker bar. This guy isn't a 1%er, he's just a guy with a motorcycle. Not a creep. But then I'm a bad picker.
Anyway, I told him that I wanted a drink and a shot and that we were going to have a little chat. I told him that even though I didn't feel like I owed him an explanation, I felt like he deserved to know that it wasn't him I was avoiding. And, for the very first time in an actual conversation, I used the word "rape." Up until now with the very few people who know what happened, I used the term, "what happened." I just haven't been able to bring myself to say that word. I don't know why.
<many tears> So I told him that I am a project and that it wasn't him I was avoiding, and that when I finished telling him what I had to say that he absolutely couldn't use the words, "I'm sorry" and that he couldn't look at me and see me any differently than he did before. And I told him what happened. I told him that when he tried to kiss me it brought back being raped and bitten by the man who was supposed to love, honor, and protect me. I told him that 95% of the time it doesn't affect me, but when it does, there's very little I can do to control it. I have techniques, I have deep breathing, I have displacement. But I don't have control of the triggers. I told him that it had never been an issue before because I never had any intention of going out with anyone or touching anyone ever again.
And now I feel stupid.
Because I am a bad picker and because I do want and need affection, but I didn't realize that I did until he put his arms around me.
And how can that mother fucker still be fucking up my days when I divorced his dumb ass a couple of years ago. Why does this have to be an issue?
Out for a nice ride, hanging out with a nice guy, great music, beautiful day.....and I shut down.
Fuck.