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Am I am whore? Would someone looking from the outside in think that I was? My BH asked me if I enjoyed sex with my AP - I told him yes (this was something that I told him before). He said that makes me a whore. It is incredibly hard to hear my BH call me that- he would have been the last person who would have done that. It fucking hurts like hell - nowhere near the hurt that BH is feeling, though. But I caused this - I caused him to feel that way, to feel like I'm a whore. He said he is sickened that I enjoyed destroying him . To him my enjoyment of sex with AP means I enjoyed destroying him. In my fucked up mind, I separated the sex and the attention that I was getting from AP from the real love and relationship that I had with BH. When I had sex with AP, I wasn't thinking "Teehee, I'm destroying my BH." - unfortunately I wasn't thinking of the outcome. It's interesting, even though I thought I was enjoying sex then, it sickens me now. I was letting someone use me again. I was giving myself to someone else, when I didn't have that right too. I was already fucked up enough about sex, hence my inability to orgasm. Why would I have wanted to feel sick about sex some more? Why would I want more people to use and hurt me?

I was called a whore in college, which fucking hurts. I was promiscuous - I was desperate for men to like me. I wanted the attention. I turned around and repeated those behaviors with my AP, when I already had someone who loved me and cared about me and wasn't going to leave me. I am still trying to figure out why I need attention so badly.

I don't think I'm a whore, or at least I don't think I think I am. I'm so messed up. I am not sure how to feel about things - I think I have derived my self-worth from others for so long, that I can't make a decision on my own if I am one thing or another. I'd like to think I'm not a whore. I hope that's not what we waywards are. I know OBS thinks I am one. Maybe I would think the same thing if I were in her shoes. And maybe some of you BS do.

This pisses me off for you.

Pizza delivery guy's about to knock, but I'll be back in a bit.

He said that makes me a whore.

Looking at it from the other side, what would you be if you hadn't enjoyed it?

Looking at it from the other side, what would you be if you hadn't enjoyed it?

I'd probably still be a whore.

unless you had sex for money, you're not a whore. Enjoying and partaking in sex doesn't make a woman a whore; that's a pretty misogynistic and ignorant way of thinking. You might be promiscuous and you made some mistakes, but you're not a whore.

Mu BH calls me a whore + many other names on a daily basis. At this time, that is what my BH believes. My BH too thinks that I was "out to get him" which wasn't the case. It's now about showing him what you really want/who you are/who you want to be, how you are going to help him, and about being better (for you and for him).

From a WW, I believe that I did bad things, I acted like a whore but that doesn't meant that is what I am. Yes, I acted like a whore but that isn't who I am or who I will be in the future. I no longer try to "convince" my BH of these things but I try to show him and let him see that I am no longer the names that he calls me.

We all have the our insecurities and our struggles but that is what makes us who we are. This is how we learn and grow. I have learned that I don't want to be the person that I was. I don't want to hurt the people who love and care about me the most.

I say these things but that doesn't mean that I don't cry/get upset when he calls me names. When he gets on a rant, I listen, breathe, and let him know that I hear him. Not sure if this helps, but I feel for you and know where you are coming from.

I have such a problem with woman-hating terms like "whore." There is no pejorative that you could level at a man that would have the same degrading effect. I think this name-calling is emotionally abusive and that boundaries should be set.

((PL))

Broken? Yes. Whore? No. Just No.

Be kind to yourself; work on you. You've got this

MiserableMama

you made some mistakes

He doesn't like when I say that I made a mistake. He feels that I mistake is not a choice - for example, if you cook chicken too low in heat and it was slightly raw, you made a mistake because you didn't want to eat raw chicken. I chose what I did, so it couldn't have been a mistake.

Lostlove7

Mu BH calls me a whore + many other names on a daily basis. At this time, that is what my BH believes. My BH too thinks that I was "out to get him" which wasn't the case. It's now about showing him what you really want/who you are/who you want to be, how you are going to help him, and about being better (for you and for him).

I guess I can't change what he believes, but I can work to change how he sees me. I want him to understand too that I was not out to get him or wanting to hurt him, but what I did had disasterous consequences, and I need to own them, which I think I am. I am working so damn hard to be a better person and make him feel safe.

We all have the our insecurities and our struggles but that is what makes us who we are. This is how we learn and grow. I have learned that I don't want to be the person that I was. I don't want to hurt the people who love and care about me the most.

Agreed 1,000,000%.

Allornothing

((PL))

Broken? Yes. Whore? No. Just No.

Be kind to yourself; work on you. You've got this

Thanks for this. It is so hard for me to be kind to myself. I beat up on myself a lot, which obviously doesn't help. I will keep trying, though. I want to feel good about myself. I want BH to feel good about me.

Healingjourney

I think this name-calling is emotionally abusive and that boundaries should be set.

I have told him in the past not to call me names. How else can I set boundaries?

[This message edited by pizzalover at 6:02 PM, September 7th (Sunday)]

I don't know your story, but from your signature line Dday was 18+ months ago. I would have hoped he would be past the name calling by now if he is truly on board with R. Is he really on board? Has he gone to any counseling to help him through this? I know the anger can raise it's ugly head out of the blue, but seems he needs to learn some appropriate ways of dealing with that anger. Lashing out with awful, hurtful name calling is not realtionship-building behavior.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 6:10 PM, September 7th (Sunday)]

PizzaLover, I think to set a boundary here, I would tell him that you will leave the room if he calls you such a name and won't speak with him again until he apologizes for using it.

I do hope that you are kind to yourself. You have helped me when I posted previously. Remember that you have worth and no one should degrade you like that.

sorry double post

[This message edited by healingjourney at 6:14 PM, September 7th (Sunday)]

Lucky2HaveMe

I would have hoped he would be past the name calling by now if he is truly on board with R. Is he really on board? Has he gone to any counseling to help him through this?

I actually just went downstairs with him a few minutes ago to ask him if he really thinks I'm a whore. He said that he didn't and that he is just upset. He doesn't understand how I could have done this to him. He asks me why I can't explain why I had an A - I think it is because I don't really understand it either. I think he is on board with recovery. He is in IC once a week, which is helpful to him. We are also in MC once every other week.

I do hope that you are kind to yourself. You have helped me when I posted previously. Remember that you have worth and no one should degrade you like that.

Thanks HealingJourney for the kind words. I am really going to try to remember that. I am really glad that I have been able to help you too.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 6:21 PM, September 7th (Sunday)]

Plenty of people are going to come on here and give you support regarding your husband calling you a name. So I want you to maybe try looking at this from a different perspective.

First of all, what is your definition of 'whore'? Does your behavior during your affair match your definition? Or does another word match better? For me, I was a bitch, straight up. I don't mind saying so or hearing it because it's absolute truth. But the key word here is was. I can think of a lot of unflattering and colorful language that describes my behavior during my affair. Again, it's all true. Because I get that it's true and I know that I have changed, those words have no power over me. So why is it hurting you so much that he said you were a whore?

If it's not true, say so. And give reasons why it's not the case. If it is true then own it. But you have to feel strong about your interpretation of the word and you have to believe in it. Feel free to stand up for yourself. If he is wrong about information then say so. You might be surprised that it can be helpful to him too. Owning your behaviors.

In normal situations I would never condone name calling. But the case if infidelity is anything but normal. I have seen anger and hurt that I never could have imagined. I have seen completely uncharacteristic behavior. And because it was so uncharacteristic I understood that it came from a place of deep pain. I knew it would be unfair of me to make it about me when I was the one inflicting that pain.

Just another perspective.

Ouch. No. You are not a whore.

Even as a BS I agree that if he repeatedly says this, this is not acceptable behavior. We all let our words spew forth when we are angry and hurt and your BS obviously is trying to hurt you. Even as a WS, you have the right to set boundaries so that you are living in a healing, safe environment. If your BS doesn't want to provide that for you, I would question his intentions for R.

I wish you peace in your healing.

WalkinOnEggShelz

So why is it hurting you so much that he said you were a whore?

You bring up a very good question. Why does it hurt me so bad? Hmm, let me see if I can process this. I think it hurts me so much because I want people's approval, especially his. And I reflect in myself what people think of me and get my self-worth from them. So if he calls me a whore, then that makes me one - it makes me this disgusting woman who just let's people use her for sex or just gives herself to everyone. Fuck. I just wrote that and then I realized that is what I was doing (not just in A, but in younger life). I was being a whore. I guess my actions were whorish. But I don't want him to see me as a whore. He doesn't want to be with a whore. I don't want to be a whore. He doesn't want all my past sexual baggage. He shouldn't have to have it - it's my shit. I want him to see me as a good person - maybe that is going to come in time. Maybe that will come when I can fix myself and make him safe.

I just can't let people's words affect me - I wish they didn't. I need to work on this.

And because it was so uncharacteristic I understood that it came from a place of deep pain. I knew it would be unfair of me to make it about me when I was the one inflicting that pain.

This is also an interesting point. I hope that I am not trying to make things about me; that I am recognizing my BH's pain. I feel that pain seep into me. I think I am just trying to work on boundaries of what it is justifiable for him to do or say to me because of what I did to him.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 6:56 PM, September 7th (Sunday)]

I have such a problem with woman-hating terms like "whore." There is no pejorative that you could level at a man that would have the same degrading effect.

How about cuckold?

A word that describes exactly what happened but is perceived by all men as possibly the most demeaning and downgrading name you can call a man. And frankly: while pizzalover isn’t a whore (since she got no financial gain nor had sex with anyone that met her price) then her husband is a cuckold.

I fully agree with this statement:

I think this name-calling is emotionally abusive and that boundaries should be set.

I’m a betrayed spouse. I truly think that we BS really have ONLY two options. We can terminate our relationship with the person that betrayed us OR we can reconcile. Neither should be done half-assed. You can’t “sort of” leave a relationship nor can you “sort of” reconcile. Doing either is plain and simple selling yourself short and subjecting yourself to a life that isn’t capable of becoming good.

I think your husband called you that phrase to hurt you. Plain and simple. And yes – he’s hurt because of your actions. And yes – for some time it might be OK for you to accept that pain and take the burden because your husband is working through the pain… But he has to make progress… That progress might be what he might already have done in explaining to you why he called you that. It sounds as if he understands it’s wrong and that he shouldn’t be doing this.

I agree with the boundaries. I would suggest you take this issue up in next MC and think of ways to have “arguments” more productive and less play-skool.

So if he calls me a whore, then that makes me one - it makes me this disgusting woman who just let's people use her for sex or just gives herself to everyone.

So if I call you purple, are you? Of course not and you can easily prove that. That's why you need to be able to define what you did. You need to be able to look and own who and what you were during your affair. And then be able to see and to some degree measure your progress since then. It's a process. I understand this.

The fact that you are having a difficult time explaining why your affair happened might have something to do with where he is right now. He is still looking for answers. And unless you can begin to find your own answers and take responsibility for them he most likely will continue to have intense triggers. I M throwing this out there because you mentioned that you let your AP use you. Keep in mind that you used him as well. There was a trade being made. You have him your body and he gave you some sort of ego kibble. Otherwise why keep going back?