SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After 4 months of ignoring the signs, i finally opened my eyes.

My wife is having an affair with a coworker. I confronted her saying i know what is going on with you and the other person.

That was it. I said i am committed to work through this and we need to start talking about our marriage problems.

She didnt deny it, but gave a what are you talking about response.

Not sure if physical affair is still going on or not but emotional side is very likely still going on. He is married w/ two kids (same as me).

Not really sure how to proceed. Probably pick a time to talk a little bit about things.but not sure what she is thinking (driving me crazy). This is day 3 after confrontation, we have had normal conversations since but will talk to her tomorrow about stuff.

Thoughts, advice? Warnings?

A "What are you talking about response?" is a form of denial.

What signs did you ignore? Do you have any proof?

Just the normal signs associated with affair, new hobbies, isolated herself from, and on and on.

After i opened my eyes and decided to trust my gut, i found evidence.

I am in IC. Just not sure what the next step should be. She is acting like we never had the talk.

I am sorry brother, truly sorry.

that was it. I said i am committed to work through this and we need to start talking about our marriage problems.

However this will not get you what you want... you cannot nice her back. I have yet to see it work once. You first need to take your time with this and then gain control of the situation. Telling her you are going to work it out, gives her the options, not you.

Secondly, marriage problems have nothing to do with infidelity, you are already admitting fault here which you have no fault. Infidelity is about a high an addiction, you need to treat it as such.

There will be more users here that will have great advise.

I am sorry, sending strength.

So you have both just been acting in a calm manner to each other and going about as if nothing has been said?? I'm confused.

You don't say much. Does she want to be forgiven, or are you just assuming?

You need to be strong

Calm - not angry, not vengeful, but strong and firm.

You need to give her a ultimatum. If she says no, or that she will think about it or needs to sleep on it - you should ask her to leave the house.

Do not agree to leave - she is the betrayer, she needs to walk.

Your ultimatum should be:

1. To tell you everything - as much and as often as you need to hear it.

2. To agree to total non-contact

3. To tell you who it is (part of one)

4. To make her life an open book - all accounts, bills, electronics . . . you get access to for the rest of her life

5. She sends a no-contact letter - certified mail to the other guy

6. Start the 180 rules (see it in the BS FAQ in the healing library)

You need 6 months to heal - to get your head together before you can even guess if you want to reconcile. The next 6 months (or more) will be a time of a distant/cold relationship between you.

Hopefully you can treat each other with some kindness and some understanding - while not getting intimate or trying to rebuild. YOu need to rebuild you before you can rebuild your marriage.

When you feel ready - 6 months or more from now, you can start trying to reconcile. But right now you need a good long space to heal before you can know what you want. She cannot be the source of your healing - she is the source of your pain.

As I said, be strong, be firm. Do not argue, fight, yell, throw things or have make-up sex. The two of your are powder kegs waiting to go off, you need calm and emotional space.

oh, if the other guy is married, you need to tell his wife or gf - she deserves to know and you can validate a lot of the story from her

I know he is a coworker - one of them needs to leave the job. If not, you should go to management and ask that he be re-assigned so as to not work near your wife.

And yes, see a lawyer. You don't have to serve her papers - but know your rights. Keep a close eye on the checking account - and don't empty it yourself. Follow your lawyer's advice.

Putting a keylogger on her computer might be a good idea.

[This message edited by Daddo at 11:15 PM, September 25th (Thursday)]

Hold onto to that evidence. See a lawyer. Know what your rights are and what your options are.

At this point you don't even have an admission from your WW of the A.

Without her owning her actions R isn't really even an option at this point.

bobiv

Be strong and committed to your self preservation and dignity

Your self respect is at stake here

If you give that up

All is lost

The strong,fierce and swift actions will make or break this

Do not negotiate limbo

Settle this now without hesitation On your terms

You need her to gain respect for you again

This is the only way

55

The other man's wife deserves to know just as much as you did.

I have evidence, but my state doesnt care about infidelity.

Yeah, both acting like nothing happened. I did mention this morning that we need to talk about this more.

I am in IC and talking to a marriage coach. Not sure if that is pathetic or not (also bought a $50 ebook on recovering)...oh well.

We have had problems, but she completely walled be off 4-5 months back...now i know why. I have been improving myself during this time...new hobbies, lost 30 lbs, etc. i guess that isnt really healing, but puts me in a better position for my own well being.

Not sure on telling other spouse and/or boss. I also work at this place, but its a big company. The physical side of the affair may be over (definitely not the emotional part). I am afraid to drive them towards each other.

I am afraid to push too hard, but seems like there is a lot at stake...my confidence and mental well being, but also marriage/kids.

I want to reconcile...i feel i am sure of it (not sure if this is based pure adrenaline or emotion). I realize there is a lot ahead of me.

This may sound completely ridiculous, there was a sense of relief when i confirmed my suspicion...finally had the major issue at hand and can start moving forward. This feeling was followed up by no sleep for several days and some weight loss (4lbs in 2 days, 2 additional lbs the next 3 days. Just to be clear, i wasnt relieved she was having an affair, just relieved to know and to move forward.

I realize i have no idea whats ahead and i may be naive.

She still hasnt acknowledged the affair directly (though her response when i confronted her did).

I told her he is not to be around the kids or on our property. I realize that this may be weak, but its better than nothing. Same with telling her i want to fix things. I guess its done, so i cant go back, but i can always get firmer.

My nuclear option is to tell her to leave, but legally i dont think i can do this since my state doesn't care about affairs.

My state of mind is i truly want to reconcile and i realize that there is a ton of things she will have to do to make this work. I know the odds are against me. I know i just cant take her back because i dont want a divorce.

Additional words of warning/encouragement?

Keylogger not an option, she can do all things through her phone. I am done spying for now since i know, but i realize if we do end up on the reconcile path, she will have to give me access to things.

So many fears. Grrrrrrrrr. If you arent flippn happy in your marriage,talk about it, dont f another man.

What do you mean do not negotiate limbo?

bobiv

Glad you are improving yourself.

If I worked in the same place as my wayward wife and the OM and had proof of an affair I would two things.

A. Walk into the bosses office with a letter drafted to human resources regarding the facts of the affair and that you want immediate action taken.

B. I would on the same day have a conversation with the OMW and give her the facts as well as evidence.

Double whammy!

Not out of revenge. I would want to kill the affair.

This forces your wife to deal with the issues at hand.

It also forces the OM to come clean with his wife and for his wife to monitor him.

A side effect is that your wife has to respect you. She might hate you for narcing on them but she will have to respect you for taking action.

And the OM will fear you.

If the boss or HR dept do nothing then go see an attorney.

You will need one regardless of what decisions get made with respect to your marriage.

Keep posting.

HM

"Not sure on telling other spouse and/or boss. I also work at this place, but its a big company. The physical side of the affair may be over (definitely not the emotional part). I am afraid to drive them towards each other. "

YES tell the other spouse.

YES tell the boss and their human resources dept.

Yes tell her family.

Yes tell all your mutual friends.

Their affair thrives in the secret and the darkness. Shine the light of day on their creepy affair and watch it wither.

Yes - she is in denial. My WH he said he was in shock for days after Dday, couldn't believe it was happening and couldn't think straight, he was losing his wife and a good friend (yes, he screwed his friend's wife).

But, you need to snap her out of it. She needs to own up to it and decide what she is going to do about it. You can't even talk about R if she won't admit anything happened. You have gotten great advice from everyone. Take care of yourself and your children.

I second letting the OM's BW know. Even just giving her a heads up that something is going on. Outing As is they way you stop them, and maybe even stop future As.

I am afraid

While every BS would admit to this, there are different paths from there. Inaction, trying to "nice" your spouse back, allowing blameshifting, going along with rugsweeping, saying you are all in to prove your commitment with requiring it in return, etc. are all the ways fear gets communicated to the WS. They hear it loud and clear and then know they can manipulate, control, lie, etc. their way into being able to do what they want. Detaching, setting boundaries, giving expectations and then following through with consequences as needed is the other path. Some WS wake up and, sadly, others do not.

With path 1, you have about a 0% chance of a true R. With path 2, it isn't 100%, but it is a lot better than the alternative. The fear is understandable and can be paralyzing, but the longer it keeps you from taking action, the more pain you are going to endure and the lower your chances for saving your marriage. If you want a good book (and not $50 expensive) that describes what you should see in your WS if she commits to R, get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair"

I just read the fAQs in the BS section....So now i just broke down in public...nothing dramatic, just some quiet sobbing in a coffee shop in the corner by myself. Go me!

So while i am committed to reconciling, i am well aware that the actual reconcile process may be way off (or possibly never happen). I likely still have some denial to get through here.

I thought the 180 was when the divorce is in progress. I think i have been doing most of this for sometime. A side note, i noticed a change in direction in the past several weeks in my wife, she was warming up to me. This was before i knew, like i said we are acting like nothing happened right now (again this day 4 of confrontation). Any way, my theory on the warming was she made a major decision on her life and had a sense of relief and was more relaxed....this decision could be to move on from me or to stay. This change in her coupled with me seeing OM at work (i didnt know the affair yet, but knew they were very close), when i saw me he froze for a second, looked like he was going to try and run, but instead i just hi, and i thought he was so nervous he was going to cry...he didnt even say anything coherent, just mumbled something.

Then i saw the, out to lunch together, while my wife acknowledged me, he did not.

Well i didnt really need to go into that...i know that is all that matters.

I am afraid to push too hard

Why? She's already cheated.

Reframe this. See it as pushing yourself!

- to establish and hold firm boundaries

- to accept no less than full commitment and effort

- to command respect (First, by respecting yourself)

You cannot do the work FOR her - she has to do it.

Remorse

Transparency

Honesty

No Contact

She has to have and do all those things for R to be successful - do not settle for less. Do not try to fix this for her.

Be strong in this.

So it looks like i need a much harder stance. The confrontation talk was pretty short, so i think i didnt do too much "nice her" back.

I have brought up my concern with counselor about me not taking the proper steps to heal. He said my boundaries where light too.

I think i am so committed to making this work because if i do the process correctly, it will allow me to heal properly whether it works or not. Again so early.

Thanks for the book recommendation.

So next talk with her, do i ask her to confirm affair? She knows i know. Or do i just put up more boundaries and then wait for her to bring stuff up.

Sigh....

The 180 is for you and your healing only. It is a tool to "get into yourself" and your own healing, when faced with a WS that's not all of those 4 things I posted above.

It is not a manipulative tool to get her to do, say, or see anything.

That advice hit a cord, "think of it as pushing yourself instead of pushing them"

This is so hard. Not the pushing myself, just the situation