SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This week has been the worst week of my life. I don't really know where to start. My wife and I have been married 5years and have been together almost 10. I'm 30 she is 28. We have 20month old twins. Me and my wife have always had a solid relationship. We have never had downs, only ups. I own my own business and make a good living, she stays at home with the kids. My wife literally wants for nothing. We have a great sex life. I'm emotionally and physically available to her and the kids much more than the average person thanks to the freedom of owning my own business. We have a great social life and we get plenty of date night/party nights to stay connected as a couple. We love each other very much and are each other's best friends and favorite company.

And this is the reasons why my wife's one night stand is so much harder for me to understand and deal with.

It all started Saturday when my wife told me she was having a girls night out with her good friend from work (she used to cut hair)and a couple of her friends.

My wife doesn't usually want to have fun without me but her friend had recently gone through a rough break up with her jerk ex and was just trying to reconnect with old friends which is totally understandable. My wife and I have never had trust issues so I told her to have fun and I stayed home and watched the kids. She didn't get home till six a.m. And honestly it didn't think twice about it.

Anyways fast forward to Monday night. My wife says she needs to go to the grocery store to get food and diapers. She leaves and comes back 2 minutes later. I can tell something's not right. She starts crying and said she fucked up really bad. I didn't know what she meant I thought she hit someone with he van or wrecked the car or something.

Then she told me she had a one night stand Saturday night. Not just a one night stand btw but a threesome with some guy and one of her friends girlfriends. I was fucking blown away. I didn't even know what to think I was so unprepared for her to tell me this. All night I was just confused not even mad. In a weird way it kind of turned me on. I've always had fantasies of tag teaming my wife with a friend. And when we'd have sex I'd talk dirty to her about that kind of stuff sometimes. But they were just fantasies.

I was curious about it more than anything so I told her to tell me about what happened in detail. That's when everything went crazy. As soon as she started talking the reality of it started to sink in. My curiosity was quickly replaced with rage and panic. I couldn't believe that the love of my life and the wife of my children could stab me in the back like this. She told me it was an accident I told her to shut the fuck up and get away from me. I went downstairs because I couldn't sleep. I basically cried all night. I had to go to work next morning so I proceeded to get really drunk to get the images out of my head and get some sleep. She kept coming down and trying to console me but it just hurt too much to be around her so I told her to go away.

The next day at work I couldn't get the images she told me out of my head. I was so messed up. Every second I was consumed by the mind movies of her getting railed by some guy in a slutty threesome. I was pissed that she had sex with another guy, but I was even more upset that she saved the sexually experience of a threesome with some fucking bar rat than her husband. It made me feel like an emasculated bitch and I'm not I'm a fucking stud!

I got on Facebook and started to research this guy and this other girl. Turns out she is married to his friend and she has three kids. Part of me wants to tell her husband. But I can't bring myself to do it to the poor bastard. After everything I've gone through I just can't bring that on him and I don't want to be involved in breaking up there home. I love kids too much and I don't ever want to do anything that could hurt a child it would just be too much weight on my soul.

After the next day of obsessing over this guy I decided to confront him. I found his address online left work early and staked out his house till he came home. I drank a couple of beers to take the edge off and waited.

When he pulled up I got out of my truck and walked up to him. He knew something was wrong and asked if he could help me. I took off my sunglasses and asked if he knew who I was. I think he did but he said no. I told him I was so and so and he fucked my wife. He immediately went into denial mode and was acting as if he had no idea she was married and all that crap. I then said does your friend know your fucking his wife too. He said no and I asked him how he would like it if his friend found out. I then punched him in the face to force an altercation. He just apologized profusely and told me he got my point. I then threatened to tell his friend about the one night stand and left.

This confrontation made me feel so much better at first. My wife is super hot and in my mind I just imagine this guy grinning from ear to ear showing all of his friends her Facebook picture followed by I had a threesome with her (because what guy wouldn't). My goal was to sour his experience. Every time he thinks about that moment I want him to remember the fear he had when I walked into his driveway. To me it felt like a small victory to balancing out the injustice that had been done.

I went home afterwards and felt better I told my wife I still love her and I feel like I can forgive her.

Anyways I was horney and we went upstairs after we put the kids to sleep. Like an idiot while we were getting intimate I had her tell me about what happened in detail to her Saturday. She did and we both got turned on and had pretty hot sex.(I know I'm fucking weird). The second I came the fantasy became a reality again and I was right back to feeling fucking nuts.

I started to realize that even though that guy and girl might be scumbags they arnet married to me and owe me nothing. The real fault in this whole situation falls completely on my wife for betraying me. I tried laying in bed and going to sleep next to her and out of nowhere an anger just blew up inside of me I told her that if we didn't have kids I would fucking dump her ass. I told he she is a shit person for doing this to the kids as well as me. I told her if you can do something like this to me when the chips are up I can't imagine how you might be if we feel into hard times. She didn't say anything. She lets me vent on her because she knows she deserves it. Sometimes I meen the bad shit I say to her but most of the times I don't. I just can't control how I feel the next minute.

I told her if she gave a shit about this marriage she can put out the effort herself to fix it. I grabbed my keys, got dressed, threw some shit and then went to a hotel.

I finally got my first night of real sleep. Just being out of that environment helped a lot.

We think our son could potentially have autism so the next morning we had a meeting at our house with a therapist to do an evaluation. (The therapist said he doesn't have autism but he does have some speech development issues they can work out, huge relief).

After the meeting was over my wife said she set an appointment with an infidelity specialist.

Bottom line is I know my wife loves me and I love my family so I want to work on it but I'm just so fucking hurt, embarrassed, angry.

I wanted to cheat on my wife and rub it in her face but after reading forums people say that it doesn't make you feel any better. And the truth is I've never wanted to cheat on my wife.

I am sorry you are going through this, I am in the same boat as you, except that I caught my WH in the act. Tomorrow will be three weeks since D-day for me, and I am still going through a host of emotions. The one thing I can say is at least you have all the details, and she confessed, for me the truth is still trickling in. This is very painful to me, I feel like I am back at square one each time. Like you I also turned in to 007 and started gathering intel, you would be surprised at what you can glean about someone even from a private social media page.

Do keep posting here you will get amazing support and feedback, start journaling your feelings, and try to take care of yourself physically. Also check out the healing library, there is a lot of great info there. I went to a LC in week two and it helped just to talk about it and spill the beans so to speak. I have only told one other person and have felt so isolated throughout this ordeal so far. Don't cheat, I think it will only create another host of emotions and confusion that you will have to then deal with.

Hang in there ((Hugs)).

R~

[This message edited by RideorDie at 4:25 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

First thing you should do is get tested for stds , your wife also and pregnancy test for her too.

What excuse did your wife give you for cheating? Drunk?

I can see how it might be easier for a happily married woman for have a one night stand with some strange guy if another woman was involved. The other woman would make your wife feel more comfortable and provide peer pressure.

I would tell the other woman’s husband because she was the catalyst for your wife’s ONS. You say that you’re not going to tell her. Would you have preferred that your wife didn’t tell you?

Bees,

Welcome to your new SI Family, it sucks to be here but it will help you. I am running short on time but wanted to put a few things out for you.

1. Please stop drinking, it is only going to make things worse.

2. You should not feel less of a man because of what she did. (easier said than done, I know) Her cheating was not your fault, it is 100% on her.

3. No more violence, it too will only make things worse.

4. Please read the healing library up above in the left corner. It has a ton of great articles to help you start to understand what you are going through. Then, read it again.

5. Get tested for STDs immediately and have your WW (wayward wife) do so as well.

6. A RA (revenge affair) is not the solution and will in no way make you feel better. Don't sacrifice who you are to get even. Stay true to your beliefs and morals.

7. You are your only priority right now. Take care of yourself. Eat, get plenty of sleep and drink lots of water. You are going to need all the strength you can muster while you are on the infidelity roller coaster.

8. There is plenty of time to decide where you want to be in 6 months, a year, 5 years. Don't make any rash decisions either way - to stay or go. Take your time, keep your cards a little closer to your chest than normal. Your world is in chaos now and shit spirals out of control fast.

9. Please consider telling any and all spouses involved. They have a right to know and should get to make informed decisions about their life. There health is being jeopardized and they most likely have no clue.

Shew.....that was long for not having much time. Stay strong and keep posting. Use the wisdom on this site to help guide you through the shit storm.

Also - I am glad to hear about your son's diagnosis. That is a positive in this horrible week.

As much as your hurt you need to take a step back. She did what she did becuase that is what she wanted to do. Its a willing choice. Now she is going to have to put alot of work in to fixing this and I can tell you its going to take years. Can you live with that? I tried for years after I was cheated on. My xW was a serial cheater. I just didn't know it at that time but I quickly learned. We had two children together and It killed me knowing I would be tearing the family apart. I was stupid and I stayed with her. I asked for a divorce on our ninth year. She begged for another chance. A week later I gave in. It wasn't even six months later and I caught her cheating again.

I know you love her but most cheaters do not really learn. She cheated because there is something deeply wrong with her. She is going to have to figure that out on her own.

I know you want to stay but I seriously recommend you reconsider. Its not worth it. Even when you have kids involved it only makes it worse. You can be a great father to your children without being with her.

As to the other husband that was betrayed. This probably was not her first time doing it. It might have been your wife's but I doubt that seriously. You really need to tell him. He deserves to have a choice in his life too. Its not your fault he will suffer. Its theirs.

At any point in time one of them could have stopped it. They chose not to.

I divorced my xW and kept custody of my kids.

I am so thankful everyday I finally stood up for us to do that. My life has been incredibly better since. I can also tell you my xW is still cheating on people. She recently cheated on the OM and broke his heart and left him with there kids. I feel bad for the kids but he gets what he deserves.

I am sorry you are going through this.

C

Listen to Toby. No sex with her until you both get an STD test. Pregnancy test for her also.

You have no idea how many women this dude has slept with, and what he may have infected your wife with. I doubt they used a condom.

Fantasy versus reality....hugh difference. Most couples that engage in threesomes break up eventually.

Take some time, gather your thoughts. Try to figure out if this is a deal breaker for you.

Bees, you are a good man, a REALLY GOOD MAN, your wife does not deserve you, but your son does deserve a family.

You did everything right in this fucked up situation including punching that asshole in the face. I would do likewise if I could find my WWs last asshole dicknose AP.

Be proud of you, and good luck in whatever you decide R, S or D down the road.

It was very good for your WW to seek help also and to not put shit in your face.

Also keep in mind your mood swings are going to be a FUCKING BITCH. Warn her. You will be minding your own business having a pretty cool day then BAM, you'll think of that asshole grinning over your wife and her enjoying it and RAGE will consume you, be ready for it.

Take care of yourself, you son needs you to hold the family together.

Bees, I must also say, that other woman that was in the threesome, that woman's husband would want you to tell him. Just like you would want someone to tell you. Think about it. You might just save this guy's life (e.g., HIV, etc.)

Hey Ride or Die. I think you need have your husband tell you every detail about what happened. I'll tell you why I think this. The first night she told me about the threesome she told me everything I wanted to know but she kept it kind of vague in order to protect my feelings. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened until I just wore it into the ground and I lost interest. The next day when she told me more details about it the whole cycle started over again until I thought about it into the ground. I think no matter how bad it hurts you should just get every single detail just so you can process it all at once and get it over with. If I found out some insignificant detail a month down the road like they 69nd or something that would just run through my head for days and bring all my anger back. But honestly this is all so fresh to me maybe isn't good advise.

Toby when my wife was out with her friends one of them had a Xanax and she ask her if she could have one. Then she was drinking on top of that. The girl that gave her a Xanax was pretty touch and feely with her but given that she was fucked up it probably felt good. The girl told her that they where going to this guys house and that people were going to meet them up there. No one ended showing up and the girl started making out with my wife and really feeling her up and of course the guy just took advantage of the opportunity (don't say I blame him). I feel like it's kind of a borderline rapey situation but I'm not the kind of person play that card. I think she ask for the Xanax and she hung around a girl that was being way too sexual. But the bottom line is SHE decided to put herself in that situation. thats the difference between us is I don't get myself into those situations. It's like two week ago we went to her 10 year reunion, and when I was up there this married girl (who's husband wasn't there)that I barely remember from high school came up to me and told me I was her first crush and that I was the first guy she had ever danced with. She was giving me the fuck me eyes all night and my response was something like "that's cool...so you and my wife went to school together?"

Why did she cheat?

What did she say to herself to justify that this was OK?

If she wanted to "reconnect with old friends," then why would they go to a singles bar where if they were so damn hot then they would almost definitely spend the whole night with other guys buzzing around them? Did she tell you where she was going?

Anyone besides the other two invovled encouraged your wife? How did her "old friends" let her do it, why didn't they grab her and tell her 'not while I'm around with you' "?

How many people watched your wife fooling around with other people? All of her "old friends"? Other people you might have met? You think her friends will gossip? Is it possible you might be running into somebody who says, "Hey, Bees, you still with your wife? Oh, you are? Sorry, I guess I made a mistake, I thought old so-and-so things weren't going so great with you two."

Why did your wife confess? Do you think anyone was seen and so she figured she better tell you before somebody else did? I am assuming that enough people know that people will gossip.

STDs set up yet?

Could your wife have been drugged? Ecstasy instead of Xanax?

Hey WK. just to address some of the things you are saying. I don't see anything wrong with letting someone you trust utterly get dolled up with her friends and have a girls night out on the town. I've never been jealous with my wife she just never worried me. I think it would be weird for me to be the fun police and tell her "you look way to hot to go to Buffalo Wild Wings". I just didnt have cheating on my mind and I'm pretty sure she didn't either.

As far as her excuse she's not dumb enough to try and make one she knows she fucked up and isn't trying to make excuses.

I think about it this way. One time while I was married my friend had a bachelor party in St. Louis. So of course we ended up at a strip club. When I was there this girl gave me a v.i.p. I was pretty fucked up and she was rubbing on me and I thought to myself. I'd love to fuck this girl. At that moment if she pulled my dick out I probably would have but she wouldn't because she's a STRIPPER. She doesn't care about me she's just doing my her job.

I think it's the same situation with my wife she was drunk the girl was feeling good and it was just hard to resist the temptation of it.

But like I said that's the difference between my wife and I. I would never put myself into a sexual situation that could actually lead to that point.

Xanax???? Probably more like ecstasy!!!!

You got a wild one there!!! Was she always like this?

Deanna. We've done ecstacy a hand full of time. She would know if that's what it was. But if your looking at this from that angel I would say you have less control of yourself on Xanax and alcohol. But again I think it's my wife's poor decision making that put her in this spot.

There is some science. I think if you look it up, you will find that alcohol impairs judgement, also increases libido. Add in a singles bar. In the strip club, was it tempting? If the stripper pulled it out of your pants, you would have went for it? If you go there enough, one of those times, a stripper WILL pull it out. I suggest to not tempt yourself.

No problem with my wife wants to go out and have fun, "on the town," but where is that? I was assuming that your wife was going to a singles bar. I used to enjoy going to a singles bar, drinking a little, meeting with women. As a married man who have no desire to meet women, I have no desire to go to a singles bar. If you put yourself in temptation enough, you increase the chance.

Point is, what considers "fun" to your wife? Being in a singles bar? What is the "fun" part of that? I don't remember seeing too many friends just talking with each other in a singles bar, most of the time seems they are talking or looking at those of opposite sex. If they are "reconnecting," is the singles bar a good choice? They go there for "fun." What about it is "fun"?

There are about 40,000-some people on this forum who trusted their spouses. We try to learn why it went bad.

Bees - really sorry you are here. But you are in the right place. Lots of support to be found here.

One of the things that is great about SI is that the advice you get tends to be really solid and fair. I was worried when I first got on this site that it would be full of a bunch of super bitter people who were anti-marriage, anti-men, anti-women, etc. But it just isn't the case.

So, it kind of pains me to say that 1 or 2 of the responses you got seem super over the top. Yes, you need to be cautious. Yes, you need to find out the truth about what happened. Yes, you need to find out if this happened before. But if it turns out that what you think happened (a one night stand) is really all that happened, then people saying you should bail and that your wife is a serial cheater are--in my opinion--way off base. People make mistakes. There have been stories on SI of wives and husbands that have done things about 100x worse than this, been truly remorseful, grown emotionally, made amends, and gone on to have a happy, faithful marriage.

Your path ahead will be rocky. Be prepared for the roller coaster to not stop for quite some time. I wish you well.

Chifrudo thank you for your input. I truely believe in my gut that this is the only time my wife has ever done something even remotley close to this. I can tell she feels horrible. Since she told me she has been following me around like a ghost not saying a word then just breaking down crying telling me she is sorry and she has no excuse. She has probably lost five pounds because shes been sick with the stress of it.

Also tonight I told her I want her to tell her parents. To my surprise she told me she wanted to.

Stepping up thanks for your words they made me feel good. You sound like a cool guy.

Bees, You might reconsider not telling the other woman's husband. The other woman set the entire thing up, apparently from early in the evening. I don't doubt that she's done that many times before and will do it again.

She set up her guy on the side with a threesome.

Her marriage is already shot. It's just a matter of time. Meanwhile she's cuckolding her husband and humiliating him.

Ask yourself if you would want to know, if you were in his shoes.