SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One aspect of infidelity that fascinated me is the "I never thought he would ever cheat" mentality. I read that over and over on here. Some even going so far as thinking their H never even would look at other women. I guess my question is, for those who felt that way, what was the basis for this belief? Was your H socially awkward, or never revealed his interest, or had good morals and just changed?

I think for me it was less about my ex BF demeanor or behavior, and more about my own naivity and projection of my own non-desire to cheat onto him.

I have this theory that men are pretty much trained to conceal to their SO their desire for other women. They know how to look without you noticing they look, what to not say or bring up. That its a part of themselves they are often very adept at hiding and almost do it automatically. And that a mans goal (whether consious or not) is basically to have his SO think he is honorable and "would never cheat" not necessarily bc he wants to or would cheat, but also just to keep the peace.

Also i do think sometimes women can be a little blind or naive about male sexuality and desire for variety, and can even underestimate and devalue their H to the point they aimply dont think he would have it in him. (Thats just 1 scenario certainly not every marriage or anything)

Just curious peoples thoughts and experience with this.

more about my own naivity and projection of my own non-desire to cheat onto him.

I find this to be very insightful.

I have this theory that men are pretty much trained to conceal to their SO their desire for other women

Being a man and a BS, I believe you need to rethink your theory. I know guys who fit your description and I despise them. They are the type who I catch catching a look (or even just stare) at my wife. There are plenty of them, but they don't represent the entirety of the male population.

well I am guessing you read one of my posts because I did state I never thought my husband would cheat or even look at another woman. I mean it's natural to look at someone if you find them attractive but for me when I got married I really honestly didn't notice other men. I thought his of my husband because I thought we shared the same morals, prior to marriage one thing we discussed is cheating and he said he would divorce vs cheat..so he gave me a direct reason to think this. Also I honestly was naive and put WS on a pedestal I thought he was differnt than most men and something special. Everything that glitters isn't always gold sometimes it's shit wrapped in aluminum foil....

"I never thought he would ever cheat"

He is ugly…I never thought anyone would want him. He managed to find that one skank in the haystack.

He is ugly…I never thought anyone would want him. He managed to find that one skank in the haystack

You may want to edit your post just a bit. Generalizations are not allowed on SI.

I didn't assume my X would never cheat. Friends witnessed time and time again women more beautiful than me trying to hit on him and him turning them down. Now I realize that while I was still "new" my ego kibbles were still enough for him. Nobody can stay new forever though.

I didn't think he would risk losing his wife and children. I thought wrong.

Are you asking why I assumed my wife would never cheat on me?

Because she is fiercely protective of me. Because I was the last person on Earth that I thought she would hurt. Because she promised, in her own words on our wedding day, to "do everything she possibly could to keep me safe, and to guard my heart."

Ten months later she was doing everything she possibly could to cheat on me. Didn't see it coming.

I guess because in all the years we've been together, there had always been opportunities and he never did. We've both always worked around people of the opposite sex - there was just never any desire to stray. My friends used to say he looked at me like I hung the moon, like he couldn't believe he got that lucky. And I felt the same way. We both used to say we'd never cheat - we'd get divorced first and be honest with each other. Guess all that desire for honesty and integrity went by the wayside when his AP beckoned him over.

I had to login after a year off just to answer this...

I believed he would never cheat because face to face he was pretty awkward. While good looking, he never was confident around new people. Was pretty quiet. The times I was around and girls would hit on him he would scamper away.

Second, he suffers from performance anxiety. It took us awhile to work through that.

Third, he despised cheaters!!!! Thought they were they were stupid for risking SO much just to get off.

Fourth, he comes from a fairly religious family. His brother and sister waited until marriage to have sex. Which I still believe to this day. Their father is the most solid person. Strong moral compass, hard worker, sweet and caring.

Now, looking back....

Face to face he is awkward which is why he meets most of his hookups online. Where the exchange is very calculated.

He probably suffered from performance anxiety because I was a real woman, rather than some CL hookup he talked up.

He still despises cheaters. But he's the special kind, who just made a mistake and is still a good guy.

His father and siblings are great people. Problem is he was primarily raised by his NPD mother because his dad was working alot while he was growing up. During his formative years his dad owned a thriving bar and was away alot. Meanwhile during his sibilings formative years he was home a lot more and therefore able to be that buffer.

At the end of the day though, I never believed he would never cheat. He was/is selfish and self serving. I just though it was unlikely, mostly because of the performance anxiety.

We think a lot alike, ShiningAutumn. I agree with everything you said.

I think my eyes were opened back when I was about 20. I had just begun dating the man who would be my first husband (a serial cheating skirt chaser I'd later find out) and we'd gone out to dinner one night with my sister and her husband. I was over the moon about this guy and he was SO dedicated and loving toward me that I was just completely of the belief that he'd chop off his right arm before ever betraying me.

Yeah, sure.

My sister told me the next day that her husband had told her that when she and I had gone to the ladies room at the restaurant, my then-boyfriend had started pointing out and talking about every single woman in the place to my sister's husband. I was shocked to hear that and when I confronted my boyfriend about it, he turned it totally around and laughed, saying it was my sister's husband who'd done that, not him! Being young, naive and stupid, I believed him.

I don't think every single man on earth does this, but I do believe most are taught NOT to ogle women or say disrespectful things about them to their wives or girlfriends. That's just common respect most parents teach their kids. My now ex was a prime example of that - pretending other women didn't exist while in my company but acting like a damned fool the minute I stepped away. I've known many, many men who do this. He wasn't unique in any way.

My current husband is the same way. If we see a pretty girl while we're out and about, it's like pulling teeth getting him to admit that she's pretty, even though I'm the one saying it! LOL. That's just YEARS of training I'm seeing, and it will never change for him. While he has integrity and character and isn't anything like my serial cheating ex-husband, I'm sure he's not all tight-lipped with his buddies if he sees a pretty girl, like he is with me.

But I sadly agree that it would be naive at best to claim 'my husband would never cheat on me' I learned very early in life to never, ever say 'never.'

I think for me it was less about my ex BF demeanor or behavior, and more about my own naivity and projection of my own non-desire to cheat onto him.

Totally agree with this--I not only took my vows very seriously, but I actually found that fidelity wasn't difficult at all. I also didn't think I could live with myself if I hurt someone that I loved so much that badly.

During the early years of our marriage, we discovered that his mother was having an affair. It was public knowledge in several circles (his father had to go over to the OM's house and drag her home on one occasion). He was so upset about that I thought certainly *he* would never cheat.

I think his narcissism plays a major role--I believe his mother was BPD and he has been diagnosed as having NPD, which polarized more and more as he got older.

Cat

For me, I'll go with naivety and projection.

He still despises cheaters. But he's the special kind, who just made a mistake and is still a good guy

haha! Yep! Aren't they all!

My husband is incredibly socially awkward and comes off as rude. Recently diagnosed with Asbergers. I guess hoe bag at work was persistent enough and their constant texting made it easier to loosen up. How sweet!!!

Projection, naivete, pedestal-placing--all those things. Also, I had a deep need to have one person really put me first. I have zero relationship with any of my family members, and WH was my only source of stability at the time of DDay. I convinced myself there could be no other reality.

[This message edited by Briseis at 8:07 AM, May 24th (Tuesday)]

I don't think it's naive to expect that your spouse wouldn't cheat. Isn't that one reason we married them. Isn't that why people get married? Monogamous relationship? I didn't think he would cheat because on our wedding day he promised to always remain faithful. I believed in that promise and I don't think it's too naive or asking too much to have that in return.

We didn't think they would do it because both you and Ws agreed on a monogamous relationship. It is what is expected in a monogamous relationship. Does that mean it can't happen- no but it shouldn't so that's why we were blind sighted- because we were keeping our promise and we expected the person who made the same promise to us to keep that promise.

I don't see that as being naive. I see that as having normal expectations that the person who professed to love you above all others and made a promise to do just that would have the respect for you and your relationship to honor those vows.

Why is that naive? You kept your vows and promises didn't you? Really the question should be why would anyone expect their spouse to cheat and remain married to them or marry them in the first place?

[This message edited by deephurt at 8:06 AM, May 24th (Tuesday)]

My husband is a good person and loves me. So, I thought he wouldn't cheat. I learned the hard way that even good people in decent marriages cheat.

I know he also thought he'd never cheat, but he had some vulnerabilities that we both downplayed. So, to me that is the message. Know yourself and your partner's vulnerabilities. Don't assume. Thinking you won't cheat isn't protection -- my H was halfway into the affair before he even realized that's what it was. We can be amazingly self-deceptive creatures.

I thought WH would never cheat for a variety of reasons:

1)I didn't think any one else would want him. I was the first girl he dated ---ever. He told me his parents thought he was gay in high school.

2) I mistakenly thought he would share my level of commitment to our family---I recently read an article in Psychology Today asking is love enough? and the answer was no---a successful relationship needs the same level of commitment from both parties involved. Love is good and all but is not enough ( to keep you faithful).

3) I admit I was blind to his true self. I see that now. He always looked at other women and compared them to me. He would come home and tell me all the women who "checked him out" that day. His behavior was always there---I just didn't think he would ever be successful with any other woman. I read an article that once addressed this---that many betrayed spouses ask " who are you?" when in reality, their spouses always exhibited their behavior but that that behavior didn't impact the betrayed's life ---until it does.

Well, I'm a gay woman but I'm still gonna chime in. I never thought she would cheat because I believed she was better than that. I believed she loved and cherished me above all else. I thought I was enough for her. I believed we had the same values and morals. I believed she would never hurt me like that. I believed our relationship was sacred and thought she felt the same. My eyes are fully open now. I will never think this way again.