SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

as anyone been fence sitting for this long? I just can't seem to get to a place where i am even close to being all in. Her affair was like a huge blow to my head not to mention my ego. I used to hug her all of the time, and now i almost recoil any time she attempts. not intentionally but almost like a reflex.

She has almost begged me to have an affair, which i won't do, because to her that is better than me packing up and leaving which is more likely scenario. She is terrified that when it all comes out she will look terrible. She was a great mother, active in the community, and now is afraid of looking like a fraud. Deep down she probably is a good person, just one who happened to shoot me in the head.

She tell me she chose me, but the choice wasn't between me and the AP which never would have worked, But the a choice of having her life and AP's blown up. Just so flat...

Have you told your wife how you feel?

What thoughts you live with every day?

Does she know the extent of the damage her affair did to you? That you have yet recovered?

Why is she more concerned with the fallout if you divorce her than your healing and happiness? This doesn't make sense to me, especially if she claims she wants to be with you.... Saving her ass should be the least of her concerns.

I agree that your WW's priorities sound truly selfish and more than a little messed up. If that's the best she can muster, it's no wonder that you aren't all in. I'm wondering why it is that you are still there in limbo and why it is that you haven't bailed. 5 years is a long time to be in a holding pattern. What is keeping you there so that you don't move on with your life without her since she clearly is only concerned about herself still?

And she seriously thinks that choosing you is suppose to be some kind of big deal to anyone on the planet? That's sickening considered that her less than good judgement chose the AP as well. If you think about it, she also chose you to cheat on so her choices don't mean squat to me. My question is what is your choice in all of this. Having the A not happen is impossible so where do you go from here or do you stay in limbo for the rest of your life?

Bluewater, she definitely knows how I feel, but we don't talk about it that much anymore. Don't really have to. She knows that there is a huge black could over our marriage now. Even worse for her is that she brought on the damage for something that was just selfish physical pleasure. I know she would take the whole thing back if she could. She tell me she doesn't look back at the sex fondly, but I find that hard to believe. A younger fit guy, doing things on the sly. How could that not have been great. She did it for months. Cant imagine how long it would have gone on if I didn't throw the hammer down.

LowLow I wouldn't say she is focused on the fallout. I think she really doesn't want to get divorced. Its just that it would be a terrible thing for her, and to tell the truth not so pleasant for me either. I also have to give her some credit for trying. I have not been the easiest person to live with after this. We went to MC but it was crap. More on how we got there, and not the damage that it caused.

This was like killing someone driving drunk. It so could have been avoided and my life would be so much different today.

After 5 years that fence has to be digging into your rear end.

I think IC for you would be a good idea. You will be happier once you've made your peace and a decision to stay or go.

I'm a newbie here, but your situation resonates with me because, if I'm honest, I've put in quite a bit of time on the fence and I might be committing to many more years.

What would you tell a friend in your situation? As it happens, a good friend, one who adores my WS and believes he loves me, said to me a week ago, "But it's not supposed to be this hard, right?" My WS is a sex addict in what I now realize is a bizarre relapse: He knows it's wrong to have sex with other women, so he falls in love with them instead.

What would you tell your best friend?

I have been a fence sitter for 3 years, so I totally get it (latest discovery was a year ago, though). I agree, all of this pain and turmoil could have been avoided. Shooting me to stop the pain inside him was unnecessary. For those reasons, my WH can just suck it up until I decide. I am doing IC and getting as healthy as i can. AD's are helping. Have you considered those?

I think you should find another MC. You pick him/her. If your WW has stuck around this long and is dealing with things like you recoiling from her, she must really want to be with you.

It is never to late to heal. You need to get this out so you can heal.

Heal before you make a decision.

Thanks for all of the replies. I know I sound kind of depressed, but it is really only about what happened to our marriage

I used the affair to better myself. Went from a 36 inch waist to 32. Not bad for a guy in his 50's. Got a whole new wardrobe as nothing fits. Prior and during her affair she was always getting compliments on how great she looked. Guys were always flirting with her. Didn't bother me at all, in fact i was proud for her. Now the tables have turned. I am the one getting the compliments and women are flirting with me. She is definitely not happy with that.

Also, I pretty much get to do what I want. When I get invited to go for a golf trip, I ask if we have any conflicts, but I don't ask if she minds if I go. She didn't ask me if she could screw a guy in our bed.

So in a lot of ways I am pretty happy. I think about cutting the cord all the time, but aside from this open wound things are not so bad.DoI really want to go through the whole courting thing in my 50's? Who knows what I would end up with.

That's sad. So basically you've held this over her head because it results in you having power and control in the relationship so that basically, your WW has lost having any kind of say at all. I'm sorry that you chose that route. I agree that you should be in IC.

"I don't ask if she minds if I go. She didn't ask me if she could screw a guy in our bed."

do you want a marriage or do you want to hold this over her head forever?

Furious,,sewardak, I know I sound like a total ogre, but it is not always the case. She has had some slight medical issues and I have been to every doctors appointment, When her mother died, I was there for her. And there can be some good times.

As for the controlling part, you are both 100% spot on. Its not a sword I hold over, but it is always there. This just feels like a hole we both have dug, and I have a hard time figuring how to get out of. I just have such a hard time getting past the injustice.

I wish I could blink my eyes and for this to have never happened.

What About working on your feelings of injustice in IC? this might be a dealbreaker for you. take some time to figure that out so that you could both be set free. for some ppl, their values include a fair and just life. Others can roll more with the disappointment. there is nothing wrong with either. I read here and I think I wish I could be as forgiving as some ppl here. but im just not. so be it. work with who you are.

I agree that you need to work on your healing in IC. IC can help you work through your feelings of injustice so that it quits playing out in a very unhealthy dynamic between you and your WW. Whether you stay married or divorce is entirely up to you. It's a choice. To me, the goal of being emotionally healthy should be something that you work on because you don't sound emotionally healthy at all right now. To say that you've been to her doctor appointments and have some good times pales in comparison to how enormously unhealthy it is to have this kind of dynamic going on in any relationship. Two wrongs don't make a right. If her cheating was your deal breaker, then let her go instead of keeping this kind of lingering dysfunction that plays so greatly to your advantage going. If you are going to R, then I suggest that you make building a healthy relationship between EQUAL partners your goal in that. Because what you have now is far from it.

@waitedwaytoolong I've read your back story and it got me thinking. Perhaps the crux of your problem is you did not expose both your wife and the OM after dday. Her betraying you in your marriage bed is brutal and shows the ultimate disrespect. If you had exposed them both perhaps that would have given you a sense that justice had been served and allowed you to move on one way or the other. As it stands now it seems the OM just walked and in your mind do you feel your wife got away with it too?

Do I really want to go through the whole courting thing in my 50's? Who knows what I would end up with.

Waitedwaytoolong

It’s more complicated for men. Women can give away free sex and have men lined up. Men, especially older men, are attractive as relationship partners. If you dated they would ultimately want to get married. I can see not really wanting that.

I understand what you are doing and don’t blame you. When a woman only has sex with you she becomes special. You earn that special sex by treating her well and making a lifelong comment. Then she gives it away to another guy for free. You feel like a fool paying full price. Now she wants to R so that you can continue paying full price for what she gave away for free.

Now she is no longer special. You may R and love her but she will never be special again.

The way I would look at it is that you have mentally downgraded your wife to girlfriend. A girlfriend isn’t as special and you don’t pay full price for her. You have leverage with a girlfriend because it’s simple to break up with them.

If you continue to be depressed you can officially downgrade her to girlfriend by getting a divorce and shacking up.

@waitedwaytoolong - you are certainly not an ogre..just a man who has been brutally betrayed and disrespected by his wife. Is she in IC working on herself or is she just hoping it will all go away? What has she done to make herself a better partner?

I'm only 10 months out of D Day and we only see each other on weekends (my choice). What I am experiencing is what I hoped would happen. I am falling out of love with WH. Slowly but surely I am processing the horrific betrayal and the person he showed himself to be. I know this will make it much easier to end it. To have really no feelings left for him at all after 48 years together sounds like an impossibility. But it's coming. And it's a blessing for me.

Perhaps the crux of your problem is you did not expose both your wife and the OM after dday. Her betraying you in your marriage bed is brutal and shows the ultimate disrespect. If you had exposed them both perhaps that would have given you a sense that justice had been served and allowed you to move on one way or the other. As it stands now it seems the OM just walked and in your mind do you feel your wife got away with it too?

ManWithNoName

I think that the above is correct. I see nothing wrong with continuing like you are. Your wife seems like a good enough girlfriend. The devil you know, etc. If you what to take your relationship to a higher level you need to lance the boil before healing can begin.

She tells me she chose me but I think she was choosing not to have her life blown up.

Waitedwaytoolong

Blow that sucker up and find out.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 9:35 AM, June 8th (Wednesday)]