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....and if so, was it a good decision?

Did you tell because you were moving towards S/D?

If you told while R, was it helpful to have the family know?

I am really struggling with holding on to this heartbreaking secret when I am with them.

I did make my H tell my in-laws and I am very glad I did.

No. My father is 91 - it would break his heart to learn that my husband could have done this. My brother is dying - why add to his burdens? I never even considered telling his sister and brother - I love them, but we are not close enough that I need their support and my husband is the leader in that group - and we chose not to tell our daughters unless R failed and we moved to D. No sense in destroying his relationship with them if we were going to stay together and move forward.

No one knows. A friend guessed correctly. That's it.

It would have destroyed my parents to find out. My Mom already disliked him and our reconciling would have just caused more heartbreak for her and trauma for me.

On Dday I was frantically trying to reach my sister and I couldn't find her so I called my mum to ask her to find her and get in touch with me. My mother wanted to know what was going on and I told her. My parents were furious but sad. We tried to R, they were supportive of me, and that's all that mattered. Now that we're D'ing, they are also supportive of me.

My family has absolutely no idea and I would never tell them. Told a couple of our close friends though which he was not very happy about.

I picked and chose who I told and only told those who know him well, care about me, and could give me helpful, constructive advice and be a shoulder to cry on. Those that I told included my mother, one of my sisters, my brother, WH's sister, one of his aunts, and 3 of my best friends. I left it up to my mother whether or not she wanted to tell my dad. Eleven years later I STILL have no idea if my dad knows or not.

The only person I regretted telling was my brother. We were never all that close anyway, but I told him because he was a BS himself and I though he might be helpful. He instead told me that it was my fault that WH cheated because I am a bitch. Thanks for that.

There was never any question about my in-laws knowing. My MIL is batshit crazy and never liked me from day #1. Telling her would not have helped anything and I hope she never finds out.

However if you are going to tell and you are going to R, then I would be sure that the people you tell aren't going to hold it against him. Although the people that I told told me privately that it changed the way they saw him and how disappointed they were in him, not one of them changed the way they treated him when they were around him. They supported us both 100%. (We didn't R, but we are still married and still together. Not in love, but very good friends at this point. It's strange, but it works for us).

Bottom line, by telling the people that I told I felt like I had plenty of support and I had enough that I never felt that I was dumping too much on one particular person. It was definitely helpful for me.

My family knew. My H was being such an ass prior to Dday they suspected, just as I did that something was up. They also saw him treating me like shit and they basically did an intervention on me, all prior to Dday. They pulled me into their arms, and said that I was allowing him to hurt me, and he was being an awful husband, and father, and I needed to stop being so enabling (CoD) and put my foot down.

My sister went with me to see a D attorney prior to Dday as well. I needed help and direction. They provided me that. When I finally had my proof, he was a sneaky sob, and he finally confessed, it was a relief. My poor parents were extremely worried, but did an excellent job of staying out of it.

The thing is when I told them he wanted to make it work, and we were attempting R. They were supportive of me, and let me know they would be there for me regardless. But when he really committed to R, and started doing the work, and saw the changes in our M, and both of us being better parents there was a new level of respect and appreciation for both of us. I was a lot stronger than they had any idea I could be. Now 8 years later, they are amazed at how good we are, and happy and how I call him out on his shit at the drop of a hat. We are healed and better, and pretty awesome. They respect it.

My fww told her parents, I did not tell mine. At the time of day I had no intention of reconciling. Within 24 hours of finding out fww was served with the divorce papers and on a one way flight to her parents house. She did not have much choice but to tell them. While they did not abandon their daughter, they did not condone her choices or make it a soft landing.

A lot of folks talk about a wayward fog... Have very mixed feelings about the concept, but if it does exist she got snapped out of it very quickly.

Ultimately her father (whom I have an enormous amount of repeat for) convinced me to delay the final hearing and attempt a reconciliation. 3+ years later we are still together, she has made some very profound changes in her life and a lot of it has to do with her folks loving her enough to be tough on her.

So yes... Telling her folks was a very good choice in our situation.

I told people who I felt would be a comfort and support to me. Sadly, my mom doesn't fall into that category. She loves me dearly, but she doesn't *get* me, and I have always felt that she would blame me. She's super passive aggressive and I felt it would have destroyed our relationship. I'm very close to my dad, but he sees my husband as a surrogate son and I just couldn't do it to him. If we'd divorced, then I would have shared. I didn't feel like telling either of them would have aided my healing. I wanted to tell my MIL for a long time. I really struggled but in the end decided I was looking to punish my spouse, not seek aid for myself. So, neither family knows.

I was emotionally a wreck and needed help. I told my mom and 3 good friends. I also emailed WH's sister and sister-in-law and told them via email and asked them for support. I'm not really close to either of them but I felt like I had to blow the lid off of his lies and since he is heavily influenced by his siblings, that they should know. Mom and friends were extremely supportive. My sister-in-laws never even responded to my email. I will never be over that.

I'm glad I did what I did. My friends and my mom really helped me get through a bad time in my life. WH was angry that I told his family but at that point, I didn't really care what he thought. He made his bed and he had to lie in it. My feelings and my sanity came before keeping his secrets.

[This message edited by TryingT at 10:58 AM, July 1st (Friday)]

I told mine because I was hospitalized a few days after DD for a suicide attempt.

FIL guessed when we said we were going to marriage counseling and they watched the kids for us and they went into our room and saw "Not Just Friends" on my table. MIL does not know but my ILs are married!

One SIL knows, the other does not. The one that does not know, she has a WH and they R'd 9 years ago.

A couple of my friends know. As far as I am aware, DH did not tell anyone.

I've only told a brother who went through the same thing, and a very close friend. I'm afraid to let the cat out of the bag until I know if we are going to R or not. Mainly for selfish reasons; I feel humiliated enough right now and I'm not sure I want to add to that.

I told a select few friends and family members.

Remember, as BS's, we did nothing wrong and it isn't our secret to keep. In the days, weeks and months post-Dday, we have the weight of the world on our shoulders as our entire universe has come crumbling down. So why carry the additional burden of keeping it a secret if it is only adding to the stress of everything else?

Actions have consequences and if your WS didn't want anybody to know his/her actions then they shouldn't have done the deed in the first place. It's really just that simple.

If it will help you to open up to one person or a select few people, then by all means, yes you should. When I did it, I received tremendous support which helped me get through the darkest of days. IMO, the WS has absolutely no say as to who I chose to talk to about what she had done.

[was] on a one way flight to her parents house. She did not have much choice but to tell them. While they did not abandon their daughter, they did not condone her choices or make it a soft landing.

I did the same, but had the opposite reaction. I made my xWW tell her mother, a person I had respected and always thought of as a strong-willed woman. I thought MIL would be tough on her and make xWW see some form of reason/reality. Instead, I found out MIL was coddling, condoning and encouraging xWW to get out of her "horrible nightmare of a marriage to that monster" and "finally find the happiness you deserve." To this day xWW lives on her mother's couch, jobless, existing on state aid and my money. xWW said (last I talked to her, three weeks short of a year ago) her job was taking care of her mother's 20+ stray cats and maybe she'd look into getting a job when the money ran out. Yes, apparently MIL turned into a cat lady a few years ago.

FIL, on the other hand, is an avoider. His reaction to being told we were divorcing was "I don't want to know about it."

I lost any and all respect I had for any of them.

My parents, well, I didn't tell them at first. My mother's health was bad and she died 6 days after my D was final. After the first couple months, I told them we were living apart for a while, and of course I told them when the divorce papers were filed. Not the details, just that the divorce was proceeding. My parents were supportive, my mother perhaps too much. While waiting the three months for the court date to come around, and even though she was in the hospital dying from kidney failure, she was trying to set me up with all her friends' single daughters . I finally had to have Little Sister step in and have a word with her

Little Sister and BIL (whose first M ended due to his xW's repeated infidelity) and two close friends who have been thru this shitstorm before know all the grotesque details. Middle Sister, so far as I know, knows nothing.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 12:06 PM, July 1st (Friday)]

I'm afraid to let the cat out of the bag until I know if we are going to R or not. Mainly for selfish reasons; I feel humiliated enough right now and I'm not sure I want to add to that.

I felt the same, and I'm sure a lot here did too. That it somehow reflected on me as a man that I couldn't keep my wife happy and at home. But I eventually came to the realization that what I heard here over and over, "it's not your secret to keep, and you did nothing wrong" was true, and that it was her shortcoming, her failure, and her betrayal, not mine. It wasn't my job to protect my xWW's reputation, and it's not my fault that her panties accidently fell off every time she was alone with another guy in a hotel room.

It's not like I rent billboards or stand on the street with a sandwich board or shout it from the rooftops, but if someone asks "what happened" when they find out I'm divorced, I tell them. Either "my ex-wife was unfaithful," or "I learned some things that prevented me from remaining married", or "I found out my wife was fucking a long string of strangers off the internet" depending on the person and circumstances and none of those statements reflect on my manhood.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 12:26 PM, July 1st (Friday)]

It's not like I rent billboards or stand on the street with a sandwich board or shout it from the rooftops, but if someone asks "what happened" when they find out I'm divorced, I tell them. Either "my ex-wife was unfaithful," or "I learned some things that prevented me from remaining married", or "I found out my wife was fucking a long string of strangers off the internet" depending on the person and circumstances and none of those statements reflect on my manhood.

I get this, and will probably do the same if we go the D route, but right now, while R is still on the table, it seems like it might do more harm than good. If, and I mean IF we reconcile, I don't want it to be any more difficult than it's already going to be. I don't want awkwardness around either of our families or our friends. Maybe selfishly? I know there is no reason to feel shame, but knowing that doesn't stop me from feeling it just the same.

I know there is no reason to feel shame, but knowing that doesn't stop me from feeling it just the same.

No, it doesn't. I spent a long time there, almost a year. For both reasons you mentioned. But I'm past that point. It no longer embarrasses me.

After kicking him out on last Dday and heading to D I told my father (mother deceased), brother, and kids. They were all supportive and I don't regret it at all. Didn't tell MIL as she figured it out when Xhole started parading Twatbox and their demon spawn around at MIL's house.

I didn't tell my side of the family just in case it's something I might regret later on. I guess it wouldn't be a big deal if they found out on their own, but I know that talking about your spouse doesn't always end well.

I did talk to his mom, but he had already confessed a little to her so it wasn't news. She just didn't know how bad it was. I didn't seek her out to talk about it, but she contacted me because she was confused why he decided to randomly drive 7 hours away to his original hometown. He had confessed some more things and was going away to give us some space.

Oh yes, I sang like a canary - during our attempted R and then again when I decided to divorce.

It was the right choice for me - my family members were my strongest supporters when I needed them most. I couldn't imagine keeping something this big from them, especially during our attempted R. If XH was going to experience the full consequences of his betrayal, then he would have to deal with the anger and hurt of our extended family as well as mine. Why on Earth would I whitewash that for him??? Why protect him???

No regrets.