SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've always wondered what cost did your spouses affairs affect the BS other than the obvious.

For me it has caused me to end my military career earlier than I wanted ( one more year to make it 22 years but I could have done many more years) plus a promotion. I'm not sure why I'm thinking about all this right now but I'm getting floods of memories of how people treated me... specifically all her friends that played part in helping her ( they treated me like shit but I was still nice to people that didn't deserve it ). They all made me look like I was crazy and made me think I was imagining everything.

I guess the biggest thing for me cost wise was my dignity , I was ridiculed and never knew it, everyone knew about what she was doing but me ... I was always a good husband and father. That's the part I'm having a hard time with these days because like all of you I never deserved how I was treated.

We are currently reconciling but sometimes I have second thoughts and wonder if it would just be easier to just start over with someone new to avoid the pain and heart ache ... a clean slate.

I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning because I'm just not feeling it this morning.

My dignity. My self respect. The respect of my 4 adult daughters. Years. 9 long years of my life. His affair was with his cousin. The sexting supposedly stopped in 2008. But contact continued until the affair was disclosed 11 months ago. So, I guess the biggest thing is the years. Years I can never get back.

sickofsurviving, That's a big one that for some reason i forgot about. Time, that's one thing that i can't get back. All the lies with the wasted time i can't get back.

I suppose it's possible to get it all back ( dignity , self respect....) we just have to take it back. It just sucks that we paid the price for their "fun"

I don't get the question. What did it cost ME? Nothing.

I gained more self respect, more self worth, humility, acceptence, growth, and am working on becoming a better person.

Financially, she's taking the major hits. I'll have more money after the divorce then I do now.

I guess it cost me the family structure, and the pain and suffering the kids have to endure, but cost ME?

I'm not footing the bill for this fiasco, my STBXW is, so...

Enjoyment of my baby's newborn days. Dday was when she was 19 days old. She's now just over 2, and I'll never get that time back. I don't remember her rolling over. Don't remember the snuggles that must have happened after nursing. Only know her toothless smile from the few pictures I managed to take. He ruined her birthday for me (maybe for life ), because it will always be a reminder of what happened 2 weeks later.

He ruined my concentration and probably cost me a promotion. He ruined my patience and I hate that I can no longer parent as gracefully as before (we also have a 5 yo).

A future with her that was going to be amazing.

patgagnon I am right there with you. I have searched and searched for some hint of wrong doing on my part...I cant find a single thing. I have asked H about it and his response was "You did nothing wrong, you are amazing" WTF?

I think we all go through times when we wonder what we are fighting for, are we excusing their behavior, what do people think...but Im not sure how many of us ever find the answers. Its sad. The things the WS has put us through in inexcusable. They have no clue. Even the ones that say and actually believe they "get it", never ever will. The only thing I can say is the ridicule and making you look crazy...that is what makes them trash, not you. That is a reflection of their character, not yours. You did nothing wrong. I wish you luck. Hoping tomorrow is better. Its got to be right?

Peace. in so many ways.

It cost me the relationship with my step son who I raised pretty much. My wife to hurt me has not allowed me to see him anymore. That is the worst part for me.

Also even though everyone tells me otherwise I have suffered some in the self esteem department. No matter in reality you are better than the person your spouse cheated on with you, it still hits you and hurts your pride.

it seems like we are still suffering for the effects of their poor choices. Some of us decide to reconcile while some of us decide it's a deal breaker , either way it seems like the common cost is dignity and precious time.

TheIrishGirl: I'm so sorry that beautiful memories that could have been were taken from you. Tyr to make the time you have now count.

I also get the lack of patience .

Besides the $10,000 that my WH stole from a premarital account of mine in order to buy one of his OW an engagement ring and the well over $22,000+ in cash that he gave to my druggie sister over the course of their 8 years of boinking each other AND the untold amount of money he spent on daily lunches, trinket gifts, and cash gifts in order to impress his numerous OW over the course of 18 years of cheating on me? Oh, and the thousands of dollars in therapy costs (probably more than $10,000 by now) that I've had because of all of it?

Well, it cost me my sanity. WH relentlessly gas lit me over my suspicions. During his A with my sister, she joined in on it and had everyone (including my family) believing that I was paranoid and crazy. They did such an effective job of making me feel like I was crazy that I actually began to believe that I was crazy. This led to me spending nearly a year in bed with depression (at which time, my WH tells me that he stopped the PA portion of his A so that he could come out smelling like a rose if I committed suicide and there was an investigation into it).

And it very nearly did cost me my life. Believing I was crazy and unable to cope with the toll his abuse and gas lighting was having on me, I reached the point where I truly wanted to take my own life just to end the nightmare of pain that I was in. A freak fall thunderstorm with tornadoes in it happened that day, knocking out the electricity at the school and causing the school to send everyone home early, including my daughter. I didn't want her to find my body so I reached out for help instead. Of course, me killing myself is exactly what my WH and my sister both wanted and what they had been hoping for (which is why they chose to lay low as my depression worsened).

It also cost me two careers which I (as a workaholic) enjoyed. I had absolutely no support system at all. There was no shared parenting or sharing of the household responsibilities. It was all on me because WH was too busy spending all of his time and energy on screwing around to lift a finger or help out in any way. Everything was all on me at all times and being human, I buckled under the toll it took on me. Had WH been willing to watch our kids during all of the overtime I was required to work so that I wasn't having to constantly scramble to hire babysitters, it would have helped. In addition to that, if he would have helped out at all around the house, that would have been a huge amount of support that I didn't have. Instead, I would work myself into exhaustion everyday having to work all day (and sometimes into the night) and then come home to cook, clean, do laundry, help the kids with their homework, give them their baths, read them their bedtime stories, etc. But I didn't. Instead, I would work myself into collapse over and over and over until I burned out. Trying to get him to contribute resulted in him launching full scale war against me so I learned not to put any demands on him. To him, that was all "woman's work" and he said he felt like I was trying to emasculate him by expecting him to do anything.

Oh and then there's the obvious cost to my pride, my dignity, my self-respect, and my heart. The humiliation was overwhelming. Everyone knew about my WH's cheating and not one single person spoke up to inform me about it while he relentlessly gas lit me. It shattered my faith in humanity for a while. Of course, it didn't help that my WH was more than happy to gloat that he had convinced everyone with his lies that I was an awful person who deserved to be cheated on and they all bought into it.

WH's cheating robbed me of my joy. It destroyed my soul and crushed my spirit. It robbed me of my youth. Instead of enjoying my 20's and 30's, I was slowly being destroyed piece by piece until there was nothing left of myself that I recognized. It was pure hell. And that was before D-day even came. D-day was actually a relief for me in that I finally knew that I wasn't crazy.

I know I should aspire to JM's answer.

I wish I could.

I lost my spark.

Peace. Calmness I always had and felt. I will never feel like that again I suspect. I will always be on alert for someone, anyone, including him deceiving me. I now have inner conflict on a daily basis. Conflicting inner dialogue.

My patience- I feel like i have so much less patience than I ever had and I am trying to control it but its a conflict for me so far.

The M that I wanted and thought I had and never will

The memories that are now tainted

The pictures that I have trouble looking at

I'll start by saying that my fww and I are reconciled and are now in a better marriage.

The financial cost of her affair was $50,000. I actually added it up months ago. Six months of her not working. Six months of cobra payments. 29 sick days for me when I couldn't face going to work. Two IC's. Two mc's. Lots of books. Etc.

It cost my wife her job that she had fought hard to make it what she wanted. The emotional costs cannot be measured.

Furious1 so much that you have written I was also doing...( house work, laundry ... driving the kids to all activities) She didn't get with any of my brothers . I'm not sure how you were able to control yourself... I would have killed my brothers if any of them...

It sad but I was also relieved when she told me the truth... which took a lot of "questioning" on my part. I will never forget that feeling of realizing that I wasn't crazy. Those were actually my first words when she told me... I actually smiled and laughed and said " I'm not crazy after all" It was completely the wrong first response... the right response came right after. I couldn't actually yell because don't you know she decided to tell me at one of one of our favorite restaurants during dinner.

Every time I we go to that restaurant.. I actually pray that they won't site us at that spot.

Every time I see or hear of gaslighting ( real life or movies ) I got off like a pressure cooker.

I wish I had the balls then to have put them all in there places... I don't get it I'm in the military and I'm seen and done so much in this world but the only thing that destroyed me was her.

Valentinessucks I get the lost spark. I'm dealing with that right now.

Actually, not much. I used to feel sad because I felt I could never retire. Now, I've found a way around that, at least temporarily. I'm happy

I lost myself for a little while during the thick of the betrayal. I became someone I didn't recognize--sometimes a raving lunatic. I got myself back pretty quickly after the D.

I got little from the X; there is no spousal support, but that was my choice because I didn't want to be tied to him for the rest of my life. I've always been able to take care of myself, and that brings me a lot of pride and peace of mind.

The affair was a gift for me; I'm free of someone I know I could not have lived with for the rest of my life.

deephurt I know what you mean. My memories are all messed up now , all I know is that I can't stand to look at any pictures during that time period. The worst part is she apparently took

"boudoir" pics for pic... I don't believe the pics where ever for me. Looking at the pictures actually make me sick to my stomach and angry.

It's all sad really because she knows how I feel about those pics and the look of disappointment/shame on her face shows her the consequences of her choices.

The whole thing makes me angry because when I let my guard down and things get better I feel like I'm sending the message that everything is now ok ( it's going to take a long time before I let my guard down permanently )

I just wish I didn't feel the need to be on guard or check on things every once in a while ( used to be daily... not anymore). I wish I could feel like I did before all of the mess. I really did love her so much.

I wish this stain on our marriage was never there. I'm also realising the cost on her part... she must have looked like a whore to all those people and I was oblivious to it all.

Financially it's cost me ten's of thousands for sure...legal fees (which aren't finished yet), cost of therapy and related classes, being the primary breadwinner while STBX earned a bachelors degree, earned other certifications, him not working (voluntarily), etc.

But the harder to face costs for me are the personal ones - I lost my confidence and innocence I used to have. It was always effortless for me to believe the best in people and that trait ended up being my downfall - I ignored so many flags. I'll never get that back; I miss that unquestioned confidence I used to have in myself. Gaslighting is cruel, it really does permanent damage. I'll always second guess others and even some of my own judgement now.

Time is a huge one - years spent investing myself into a relationship that was one sided. I lost out on celebrating my grandmother's 90th birthday b/c that was dday. And best case scenario I still have a couple years of recovery ahead of me...more lost time.

Also, I lost a lot of relationships...not just my M, but all my IL's and most mutual friends.

Just writing this is triggering tears...what hurts the most is knowing STBX knew he'd be costing me all of this but didn't give a shit.

[This message edited by rosie437 at 10:19 AM, July 7th (Thursday)]

Thissux

I must agree with you " the emotional costs can't be measure"

I remember my "sick day"

I hope things are getting better for you both.