SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My 75 year old spouse is having an affair with a woman 20 years younger. I am completely devastated. We were to sell our house and retire next year near our son. My entire future is gone. I now have to live with him, while he is still in contact with the other woman, until we can sell the house and get the divorce finalized.

I will have to continue to work to save for a single life retirement. I am 65 and will have to work at least another 5 years.

I did not know a person could hurt so much. Like other postings, I am having trouble eating and sleeping.

My spouse acts like nothing is wrong and just continues his merry way. He has no empathy and the marriage counselor stated he is self absorbed and shallow. When did he become like this?!

One side of me wants to forgive him and have things go back to the way we were. The other side of me can't wait to get away. But I will not consider reconciliation if he will not give up contact with the other woman and this he refuses to do.

I am so confused.

(((lindasjag)))

I'm so sorry Lindasjag. After a lifetime with a spouse...so unfair.

You are correct though. You can't reconcile with a spouse who is still with their affair partner. What does your son say about this? Have you exposed the affair? Does OW have a spouse?

The lows that I see people stoop to. I am so sorry. So deeply sorry. At this point, I suggest you read up on the 180 in the healing library and try to focus on you.

You can't control what he does, but you can control how you react. You are better than this. Can't you kick him out? Do you have anywhere you could go until the house is sold? Seems to me like you ought to show him just what you think of his treachery. By cutting him out.

But god 75 and at the last minute, on the cusp of happily ever after he just thew it away. I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry - I am not qualified to give advice because I am just in the beginning of my mess. My heart just hurts for you so much. However I do think your instinct is spot on, if he is showing no remorse nor is willing to give up contact then he has no intention of being faithful. Focus on you and your needs right now, that's the most important thing here.

I am so sorry ((lindasjag)). After you read the Healing Library (yellow box) go to the top of this forum and read the Tactical Primer.

Right now just take care of YOU. Make sure you get screened for STDS's and see your doctor if you are having trouble sleeping. Try to eat and drink plenty of water. Most of all... remember one thing you did nothing to deserve this.

Expose the affair, especially if the OW (other woman) is married.

Read up on the 180 and let your attorney deal with your WH (wayward husband). You can't change him only your reaction to him.

One of the hardest things to do is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive. Don't be loyal to something that doesn't exist now.

Read some of the links below.

Read up on the 180 It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target thread here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

Take one day at a time.

Keep reading and keep posting.

hugs to you lindasjag. I know exactly how you feel. My Wife of 30 years cheated on me. If you notice my screen name, you will see how that made me feel.

But I have some good news for you. Although the pain is the worst I've ever felt, it does lessen over time. I'm 6 months out now and am starting to feel somewhat better.

Listen to the good folks here. They have lots of great answers for you. You need to implement the 180 for sure.

Our son knows about the affair and I have been in contact with his family. He is Australian. His family is disgusted with what he has done and sympathetic to me, but it is still his family.

Our son is going through some really bad stress himself and is going to a therapist for his own problems and finds it hard to deal with us right now. My son's wife has been great and is trying help, but she can only do so much.

The other woman is Vietnamese with English as her second language and her husband does not speak English or not speak it well. I am not even sure how to contact him. They are already going through a divorce, but i do not think he knows about the affair. This woman was my husband's hairdresser, I am tempted to leave a message on Yelp, but my lawyer said that would not be wise.

Now I cannot get my husband to move out of the house, he will not agree to sell the house as he will not have anywhere to live. I am getting pre-approval for a loan, but he refuses to even try. I do not know where to go from here.

Our state is a no contest state, so it does not matter if one party had an affair. It is also a community property state, so all money ad debts are shared.

He wants me to move out and he will loan me money for a deposit. I know if I do move out he will not sell and he would move his newly divorced girl friend in and I would not get the balanced of what is owed me from the sell of the house.

I understand. Married 35 years, together 40.

Like others, I have never felt pain like this. My wish for him, besides erectile disfunction is that someday he feels this pain, not mine, but his own pain.

Read up on narcissism.

As others have said, take care of yourself, see an attorney and begin the incredible painful process of moving on.

Welcome to the club no one wants to join, lindasjag. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but it's a great group of people that are here to help.

Please reread minusone's post. He is spot on.

Implement the 180 immediately. This is not to punish him, but rather to give you some much needed mental space.

Get to an attorney right away, and let him handle things. Don't let your WH (wayward husband) force you out. And remember, he doesn't get to decide what happens with assets or paying you your share. If you both cannot agree on a settlement, a judge will decide. That's just the way it works.

Hang in there, and keep posting!

((linda)) <---- that's a hug

If you divorce and split your assets, the house will have to be sold, unless one of you buys the other out. And 'he won't have any place to live' is nonsense. He can take his half of the money and buy his own house or trailer or rent an apartment.

FTG Linda!

You have the opportunity to reign some righteous karma down in his little fantasy bubble. He has no control of your states guidelines on divorce and division of assets. You take everything you're entitled to. He doesn't have s place to live? Poor muffin...not your problem anymore. He can figure that shit out with his hairdresser. He's her problem now.

YOU are your priority now. This is the rest of your life you're protecting. He only cares about himself. You and your lawyer can bring him back to reality. And the Yelp review can wait until the divorce is finalized....

All of the life insurance polices can go to you as well...what did the lawyer saying about drawing his social security? Can you go to his doctor regarding dementia?

Lindasjag, I am so sorry. This is disturbing in so many ways. And unfair as it is on you now, your wh's in for a rude awakening. He thinks a woman who messes with a married man, cheating on her own husband is going to have his back. I hope he's not trying to hold on to as many assets as possible to accommodate her in any way.

Ask your attorney if you can report her to her licensing commission. There is a code of ethics for holding state licenses to practice professions. Report her to her state board (that regulate licensed hairdressers)? And if she owns the establishment, Better Business Bureau? Federal Trade Commission? Ask your attorney.

Please take care of yourself. I lost 20 pounds in record time after d-day. (Telling one of my friends that while I was crying during that time, she stopped sympathizing for a moment to high-5 me. lol Pretty silly) But it wouldn't be healthy. I just stumbled across some really great non-alcoholic energy shots, natural brain/mood juices, and other health-promoting stuff at the local health food store recently to help my energy levels. I've found them to work. Do all you can to help yourself.

And please surround yourself with as many supportive friends or communities as possible. Beyond Affairs Network has support groups across the nation. Google search them if you want to find a local support group. I had located one down the street from me. But I never got involved due to schedules with my kids. That doesn't mean I'm not going to try them later some day just for supplemental support. I really find benefits in a good community of folks who can relate, understand, and even with whom I can establish helpful acquaintance.

I am 65, FWH is 68. Married 37 years. He's been retired 6 years, I've been retired 2 1/2 yrs. Discoverred his affair with a neighbor around the corner from us my age in Aug, 2016, when my son showed me phone records and text messages. At husband's request, we started marriage counseling, but he continued seeing the OW and we continued to live under the same roof. Meanwhile, the MC told me it had to be his idea to want to reconcile. Finally, 2 mos after D Day and attending a funeral he asked if I'd consider discussing reconciliation at our next MC apnt. I said yes. Our marriage had been rocky for several years with anger, resentment and distancing with both of us. We'd unsuccessfully tried MC a few years ago. We are 5 1/2 mos into R. It's not easy,but I said I'd only do this IF he went cold turkey NC, which he totally has. I was inn same boat: our entire retirement, we'd just remoded

Just want to ditto what NowGuarded said; was in fact going to write the same thing re getting your support team together, trying out groups like Beyond Affairs Network, etc.

But great that you have found SI. It's a life saver. Has been to me right after I found out after 35 years of marrigage that my H has been visiting prostitutes for the past ten years, twice weekly. I know, the story is different but the emotions are quite the same--the anger, the shame, this disillusion, the shock, the trauma.

Each of our stories here are unique--each one of us has to deal with only our own trauma, our own form of hell---and each one of us has to find our way out and back into life and on with it. But it has helped me enormously to know I am not alone in this

I hope that knowledge will help you too.

Sounds like you already have found a good attorney. Hope you are able to also find a good IC along with SI, real life friends and family. It all makes a difference and from what you've said here you seem like a very strong, smart and courageous woman.

Where do I even begin with this? I'm so so sorry, Linda.

Tell the family. Tell his friends. Sometimes, it snaps them out of the fog.

Meanwhile, many hugs.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, after 42 years of marriage.

Do not move out of the house until your assets have been dealt with through the divorce.

In the meanwhile implement the 180 and don't do any of the normal things you'd do as a wife for him. The disrespect of continuing his affair is just awful.

Did he tell you she was getting divorced? if so, I would not take his word for it.

Seek legal advice and get an idea of what a divorce would look like for you.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this and after so long a marriage. It's heartbreaking...

Do you think your WH could have some form of dementia? Some affect the executive thinking skills and makes them vulnerable to manipulation.

Do you think it's possible that this MOW has targeted him for financial reasons after her own D is done?

Have you got a handle on how much money he has spent on his adultery? In some states you can get half of money spent on AP back during divorce.

You are so right to stay put in your home until it sells.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:43 PM, April 29th (Saturday)]

I am so sorry. Do NOT move out of that house. Your state may be no fault, but with your age and marital history and a damn good lawyer you should be in a better position than him.

Once the AP realizes that he has to split everything and probably give you spouse support too, she'll dump him. Get something in writing before that happens as he is more likely to be nicer now than later.