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I was curious if depression is common among waywards? I mean I get the sadness, shame, regret, remorse...all that weights heavily but that's not the same as depression.

I mean the feeling of impending doom that never goes away, crying all the time for no reason, or every reason depending on what's going on. Hating your job, hating to be home, not wanting to talk to anyone, but afraid to be alone in your own head all at the same time.

The constant ache of every muscle in your body, feeling like you have been in a war every morning when you have to drag yourself out of bed. Being exhausted all the time, like no amount of sleep will ever be enough to make you feel rested again.

The feeling of wishing you could just crawl into a big, deep, dark hole and then pull it in after you so no one could ever find you again. Wishing that you could just disappear off the face of the earth so you could stop causing pain to the people you love.

Maybe I am just overly sensitive. It could be that its just going to be one of those days - I just figured I would ask. Thanks for letting me rant.

simply answered...yes

and i think especially if you tend to be a sensitive person anyway...minus the infidelity.

First, I'll give my standard response: go see a doctor (physician, not a therapist or psychologist) and discuss your symptoms.

Second, depression can be triggered by any number of major life events. My grandmother had a major depression event trigger when a tree fell on her house. I thought that was silly when I was growing up, but now that I have depression... and a tree almost fell on our house... I understand better.

It's also possible that you had depression before D-day. I am certain that depression is an underlying cause of infidelity for some wayward spouses (there is a thread in the Reconciliation forum right now in which this is clearly stated).

Third, people generally don't think of depression of a mental illness, but it is. It's probably outside of your control in the same way that a cold is out of your control. However, unlike a cold, there are really effective treatments (so, please, go see a doctor).

[This message edited by barcher144 at 9:31 AM, July 27th (Thursday)]

About 6 months before the A I was struck with a major depressive episode. It came out of the blue and it took me down hard. I disassociated, it was like an out of body experience, like watching a movie instead of really being alive. As you said, my thoughts sent me messages that nothing mattered, everything was meaningless, and that I would suffer a slow, terrible death filled with emptiness and sadness. It played a large part in the thought processes that eventually led to the A, and brought out a long-buried (and at the time, I was unaware of this) fractured personality as well. (Similar to a split personality).

The really sad thing about all this is that the aftermath of an affair only takes whatever sadness or stress you may have had in your life at the time that contributed to the depression and multiplies it. Now you not only suffer from the depression itself, but you put yourself into a position of guilt and self loathing, and the resources that you may have had for support and comfort (your spouse, family, others) are no longer available in the same manner that they may have been before, since those relationships were destroyed in the affair.

If I may offer one piece of advice from my own experience... please know that the depression lies. It will tell you that nothing matters, that you don't matter, that everything is meaningless and worthless and that you will never, ever be happy ever again. Minutes will seem like hours, hours like days, and days may seem like years. It is grueling and you can get to the point of hopelessness fast. Please don't allow this. Promise yourself that if you ever get to a point where it seems like ending it all is a viable and reasonable solution, call someone, right away.

In the meantime, keep reaching out to others. Loneliness is your enemy. Dealing with this kind of pain is hard even when you aren't clinically depressed. Make sure to see a doctor, get meds if you need to (I am on Wellbutrin) and get an IC.

I suffered from a more severe depression when H and I divorced than I'd ever felt in my life (and I'd had a lot of experience with it). You're not alone.

Yes DaddyDom, depression lies...and does so with confidence and authority.

AMF, can you afford depression meds/dr. visit? I know finances are an issue and I can't remember if you have a health plan (and I don't know how that works in the US).

[This message edited by sassylee at 12:42 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

I have medical insurance (not good insurance but insurance none the less) however no, right now the money ever for the copay for a Dr. visit in not in the budget. And I certainly couldn't afford meds, even if they wanted me to take them.

Until about a year ago, I did not have insurance either. I was able to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist through the help of a federally qualified health center. They offered a variety of services - medical care, mental health, pediatrics, etc - and because they received grant funds they were able to accept private insurance, self-pay, Medi-Cal, and they were also able to see uninsured people.

I had to go through a screening process through their financial eligibility department and submit proof of income, etc. They were able to bill me on a sliding scale due to my income and I only had to pay $25 to see the psychiatrist (I was able to see the psychologist free of charge). I was also able to get a discount on psychotropic medication through the clinic's in-house pharmacy, so I got anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for under $10 a month.

I was covered under these services for over three years.

Do you know if there is anything like this is in the area where you live?

I'm not sure if we have anything like that in my area or not. I know that when I tried to apply for state funded healthcare just for my kids I was told that I make too much money.

I'm not sure where to find something like that where I live. But I can do some searching. But honestly right now even $25 for an appointment and $10 for prescriptions is a lot when you're scraping just to pay your normal bills and buy food.

I feel your pain (we were also denied state insurance because of "making too much money" even though we hardly had a dime). And I totally understand that $25 for a visit and $10 a month for medicine is a lot of money on a limited income. It's just that if you aren't able to function after a certain point, your whole family will be in jeopardy.

You're the sole breadwinner; you have people relying upon you. Depression is a serious illness. It can become extremely debilitating. Even if you have to save up for a few months to put aside the $35, it will be worth it - for you and for your family. A person can only run on "fumes" for so long before they implode. Depression typically doesn't just go away; it requires getting help. You're worth it, and so is your family.

Hugs.

[This message edited by SoMelancholy at 4:45 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

I would have guessed it was more common among betrayeds since my depression is in overtime, but I guess it's plentiful on both sides of the issue. Sorry you're dealing with it too.

I am sorry that you find your self in this place. I know of it too. What I found helpful is exercise, in my case, group dancing of all types, water aerobics and walking stairs. I also found that a simple and humble celebration of fellowship with daily greetings reminds us that we are never alone. Thank you.

Yes. Depression lies. It is lying to me right now, telling me how useless all of this is and that I will NEVER feel better. Couple that with my defectiveness/shame schema, the turmoil I've caused in so many lives from this A, and the fact I JUST ended my affair relationship and am grieving OM like there's no tomorrow... I'm honestly surprised at times that I haven't just keeled over and died that slow, horrible painful death I feel is imminent and deserved. But, I'm still here. So it's lying.

Also, failed to mention I've had a diagnosis of major depressive disorder since I was a teen, and do currently take medication and am in intensive IC since I made the decision to end my A and try to R. But man, that depression hasn't made any of this easy (like it would have been a piece of cake without a mental illness, ha!)

[This message edited by unbeautiful at 5:18 PM, July 30th (Sunday)]

I was surprised to find out the police department can help w emergency money when a family is in crisis. They have hotel vouchers for DV families and maybe able to help with you co-payment and/or medication. Also - churches often times can help or shelters - finally if you are in the U.S. and go to an ER foR whatever reason they have to treat you - if you're suffering from depression - you can also call the suicide hot line or the text crisis line (741-741) type start and a volunteer type counselor will come on to help you via text. If you're past hour issues and can give back text crisis line also needs volunteers and they train - it's low level support but sometimes people just need an ear/to vent.

It wouldn't surprise me if depression was quite common among WS's. If there were any depressive tendencies, the feelings of guilt, shame, unworthiness and brokenness could absolutely bring it to the forefront (or wake it back up, in the case of people who had struggled with it in the past).

I have a friend who had an eating disorder in high school. She got it under control in college and was maintaining healthy eating habits for years, but the cause never really went away. She was able to manage the symptoms...until she got pregnant. The stress of seeing her body change and the weight keep coming was too much for her, and brought back all of the old thoughts and struggles. The eating disorder came back, and it wasn't until after she delivered her baby that she got the help she needed. (Thankfully, the baby is fine.)

The point of the story being -- stressful events can weaken our mental defenses the same way taking poor care of our bodies can weaken our immune system. If you had any predisposition toward depression, a situation like this could absolutely "activate" it.

I agree with Barcher144 in regards to depression being a cause for some WS's, as well. I suspect that was the case for me - at least in part. I'd recommend seeing a professional. You won't be in any state to heal or improve your situation if you're just hoping to disappear, though I'm sure we all have those moments. Ultimately, this time requires us to be the strongest we've ever been, for ourselves and for our BS's.

Take care - sending good thoughts your way.

In my darkest days, I've contemplated the unthinkable. It still flitters through my brain from time to time. My family would be VERY well off if my vehicle suddenly swerved into a bridge abutment. The life insurance, my 401k, the equity in the house plus our savings would leave them very financially secure. I take comfort in that. The whispering sometimes gets quite loud and I really think my family would be better off without me.

Then the other little voice tells the other one to fuck off. They're constantly at war with one another but at least for now, it's at a stalemate. I can and will be a better man for my family and yourself. The hate, self loathing and the wallowing benefit no one. Certainly not you and more importantly, not your family. Their well being is the priority, the light at the end of the tunnel if you will. That's what keeps me going.

Focus on that. Ignore the whispers of doom and destruction. Forge ahead even when you don't want to. Where every fiber of your being is telling you to quit. It's easy to quit, anyone can quit. We WS quit when we had our A. It's much harder to stay the course and do the right thing but it's so much more worthwhile.

I can relate - what you've written is exactly what I've been going through - every single word!

I have booked in for IC this week and I hope this helps.

I've also bought a 100 day journal (I like the fact it's for 100 days... as my motto at the moment is 'one day at time'!) - it has a number of prompts which includes writing down what I'm grateful for today, something that was a challenge, something I am excited about, and an exercise box to tick off. It has a chart too each week where I write how my emotions are on a scale. I've only started it this week. It's little things that I am focused on - like "Looking forward to the next episode of Game of Thrones!"

I was feeling so down that I felt like maybe a journal like this would help... its early days but it's nice to flick through before going to bed and checking again in the morning.

I agree with DaddyDom who said

Loneliness is your enemy

After spending half the morning crying over the weekend - I took the drastic measure of booking a plane ticket to fly back to my hometown and spent the night at my mom's place. I can't afford to be doing that regularly but it helped to be with family.

Wishing you well - and hang in there! You're not alone.

[This message edited by FeelinLimbo at 4:13 AM, July 31st (Monday)]

I have had to deal with depression a lot, especially since this last dday. It has gotten better over time, but it is still there. The feelings of self-loathing doesn't help and it can quickly lead into a shame spiral which is something I have to guard against. I find that I ha 've to pause and remind myself that shame is an appropriate feeling for me, but to focus it on my past actions and not who I am. This way the depression doesn't lead to destructive behavior or lead to self-pity or a lack of action on my part

The thing I am struggling the most with, right now, is the feeling of being unmotivated to do ANYTHING. I am usually an extremely active person, taking care of farm maintenance, growing my businesses, volunteering, household projects, hobbies, etc. Right now none of my past joys bring me any joy. In fact, they all seem to be triggers just reminding me of the predicament I'm in. I've always had dreams and goals and right now I feel in limbo with no direction and no goal other than trying to save my marriage and get out of this depression. Meds have taken the edge off (I no longer spend ALL day alternating between sleeping and crying) but I still have this loss of joy. It's excruciating.

I try to find little, small things that I know I can manage (like cleaning and organizing a shelf, doing a load of laundry) because I think baby steps are the only way to get through this. So I can at least look at that clean shelf and not berate myself for getting NOTHING accomplished. It doesn't seem to improve my mood though, just keeps it from spiraling back down. I hope it actually is helping and it's just so slow I don't recognize it. I just want some joy back though. Any joy.

I am focused on my own recovery, reading, discovering my whys, processing my emotions, and then learning how to be a safe partner again because that is my only goal right now, but it sucks because even if I do all those things perfectly (and I know I wont) I still have a BH who may decide there will be no R. He won't even discuss it until I have "worked on me" so I have this goal that may be unreachable on a timeline I have no clue about. So I have to do those things for THE ME that depression is saying isn't worth shit. Stfu depression.

I hope I am able to find joy again. I'm not sure how long I can live a joyless existence. I'm doing everything I know how. You all keep telling me I will find it. I hope to god you're right.

I certainly dealt with a lot of self loathing, hating my job, hating being home and seeing the pain all around, feeling despised by everyone, ashamed, self-loathing, and probably worst of all, completely incapable of fixing anything that I had broken. The worst time for me, though, was a period about 2-3 years out where it was bad and I was SOOO tired physically and emotionally that my emotional state just went gray. I no longer hated my job. I no longer hated going home. I just didn't care. I didn't care about anything - losing my job, losing my wife, losing my family - just didn't care. My IC suggested I get a sun lamp for my office (I start work in the winter before the sun comes up, leave work after dark, and don't have a window to the outside so I went days without seeing the sun). This helped me a lot and soon I was back to hating life again.

I guess the point is that not caring any more is a lot worse than hating who you are and what you've done. When you hate something, you strive to fix it and to get better but when you just don't care, there is no way out. That absolute despair is what I think of as depression.