I felt like there SHOULD have been something more to the A, deeper feelings, but I knew there wasn't. I KNEW that what I was doing was wrong, that it was the one thing that would hurt BH the most, that it very likely was a deal-breaker for him. I think now that I may have been sabotaging our relationship.
^^ This. During the affair, we write love notes, make plans to be together, share affection and intimacy, and act like ass-hat teens living out their first crush in general. The affair becomes a feel-good drug, and we throw ourselves into the role, "playing house" in a way, and living a fantasy. But it is not love, and despite the show being put on, it never feels like love. But WS's are masters of their own bullshit, and more it fails, the more we throw ourselves into it, hoping to get the "high" back.
I look back in horror and disgust at the things I did and said and felt during the affair. It is hard to describe the mindset. You know what you are doing is wrong. At the same time, you can't seem to stop. You try to convince yourself that you are in love because if you aren't in love, if your marriage isn't really the horrible thing you've made it out to be in your mind, then that means that YOU are a horrible person doing a horrible thing. And that's too much reality and too much pain for a selfish, wayward mind to accept. In my case, the AP was not attractive, she smelled badly, she had no money, no ambition and no goals, was needy and childish, a user, no class, someone I never would have dated when I was single. But there I was trying to convince both her and myself that there was love and desire. Because otherwise, it meant I was a POS.
I was a POS. A lying POS who tore my loving, faithful wife apart at the seams, and my family too.
And that's the bottom line, right? As a WS, our selfishness takes over, and empathy goes out the window. There is only ourselves, our needs, what we feel. Most of the time I didn't even really like the AP, but then I found myself calling her anyway, because I was feeling shitty and awful inside, and incredibly needy of "a fix", which she supplied by putting me on a pedestal and making me feel as if I had some value and integrity, when deep inside, I knew the truth. I felt worthless and unlovable, and being a cheater only amplified those feelings of self-loathing. It is a deadly cycle, and a self-perpetuating one. You feel like shit, so you use the AP to make you feel better, which only makes you feel more like shit... and round and round it goes. It is like any addiction. No one enjoys being an alcoholic for example. It makes you physically sick, desperate, ruins your relationships and career, it may even kill you... but you still chase it down as if it were your greatest love and lifeline, because it distracts you from the fact you have black hole in your soul that cannot be filled. You convince yourself that it is everyone else's fault that you drink, they are awful, not you. It's never you.
That is exactly what the A felt like. I kept chasing after something that made me feel like shit, and trying to convince myself that the opposite was true. The love letters, the time spent together, all part of the world's biggest con-job, with me being my own patsy. It was clear to everyone but me. I convinced myself it was my wife's fault, that she was mean and didn't appreciate me. That somehow this would make me happy. That my family would be better off without me. And truth be told, there was a part of me that wanted to get caught. Because I felt so horrible and ugly inside. I had been told all my young life that I was worthless and unwanted and a horrible person for wanting to be happy and protected. That was my "normal". Having fallen into a clinical depression shortly before the affair began, all those old memories and feelings came flooding back, and then here I was... fulfilling the prophecy, becoming the abuser. I was being that horrible person I was doomed to be. I couldn't see it at the time, but inside I felt that I deserved to be punished, not loved. I deserved to be hated, not forgiven. I deserved to be alone and scared, not loved and cared about. Losing my wife and my family, and ending up with this drudge of a human being (the AP) seemed like a fitting end for me, back to "normal", what I deserved and had always deserved. It was all about me... I had not one drop of compassion for my wife or kids because I was too self absorbed. I truly was a POS and maybe I was right... having lost all compassion, maybe I did deserve to live like a POS. My family deserved better. They still do.
(Sorry, I've gotten much more emotional than I had planned to. This is hitting home for me and exposing some strong feelings.)
I want nothing more than to show my BH that I know how wrong I was, how much I care for him and how much I love him. I am working to be more transparent, a better person for him, our children and for myself. He has such anger. He is so hurt.
Yeah, he is hurt. The same as my wife is, she suffers every moment of every day over this, it is always on her mind. She is no longer safe in her own home, in her own marriage. Everything was stolen from her and tossed out. Recovering from that is not going to be an easy road, and this was never what she wanted or deserved.
Same as me and all WS's, you lied to him. You betrayed him. You were the one who was supposed to have his back and yet you were the one who stabbed him in the back. The day may come where he can forgive, but he will never forget. His world has changed. He can no longer trust anyone the way he once did. Chances are he both loves you and hates you at the same time.
But you said something important... you said you need to "show him" how you feel. And that's the thing. Since he can no longer trust what you say or even how you feel, all he has to go on now is what you do. So fight for him. Yes, he might be angry, he may tell you that you aren't trying, so try harder. Put him before yourself. It may be wearing you down, but understand that it is 100x worse for him than for you, that he has no choice in whether to be worn down or not, and that he did not ask for this. It was thrust upon him and it is his reality. The way you help is by figuring out what inside of you allowed this to happen, acknowledging it, and taking steps to fix it. During the A you put him last in all things. In order to mend you must put him first. Become a safer person, both for yourself and him. Hang in there and don't give up, okay? You can do this.
