SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is the definition of financial infidelity: When one spouse is making significant financial moves without the knowlege of the other, it endangers the financial future of both people and exhibits a disregard for the most fundamental parts of a healthy marriage: trust and communication. Financial infidelity can simply wreck a marriage when it is uncovered.

It's a good thermometer for where you are in regard to affairs of the other sort. I've been thinking about this for awhile, I don't know that I have the exact words I want to use yet, but....

I realized this watching a show about a murder where the wife was so insensed by her husband's gambling debt that she spent them into homelessness and I realized money is another area that is abusive and a good way to measure where you are with being a safe partner.

Check your spending and/or your desire to spend money without the knowledge of your spouse. While not as injurious, it's kind of the same difference.

I did this as well when ex was in the thick of cheating as "revenge"....

Just some food for thought.

Good post smokenfire. BS here and my WH was both financially and romantically unfaithful.

I see a comparison here and often wonder if this is common for WS? My WH is working on this in IC and has always had an obsession with materialistic possessions. He uses possessions to fill a void that can never be fulfilled. He lied about buying possessions or the cost of possessions and if he wanted it he didn't consider the consequences. Putting us at risk financially or making me play the role of the 'tight accountant' which I hated.

Before the A I thought we just had very different styles of spending and saving and often fought about money but I now see this as self destructive, dishonest and unhealthy.

I do have to add the A was far more painful than the financial infidelity but both are serious. Honestly and transparency are paramount for trust. Lies are never healthy.

Not sure if this is similar to your meaning?

I'm so glad someone finally raised this topic! Financial Infidelity (FI) I'm making up acronyms now :), is my Dday 3. WH doesn't really see it as a Dday, but I do. It's when I learned he hadn't given $5,000 to women, but instead was closer to $15,000! It's also when the $1600 cash I found after his work trip to AC was recognized by him as a betrayal.

I too thought we had different values about money, but we respected each other enough to negotiate big items. WRONG! While I had no whiff of the EAs or PAs in the past year, I definitely knew we were heading for a dust-up around money. I found a $900 subwoofer ( I don't even know what that is, much less how to spell it) in my living room when I stubbed my toe on it. Imagine opening a coat closet and there was a woman inside! The first lie I was aware of in all of this mess was around a new iPhone sitting on his desk.

Even if you remove the other women, his deceit and disregard for the values of our family are FI in my eyes. The immaturity and selfishness the behavior reveals is a common denominator, but there is a different risk profile and approach for managing FI than Sexual or Emotional infidelity.

One of the first things I did in IC is split the two issues. I couldn't handle it all at once, so I decided to focus on the financial aspect first since it has quite a bit more clarity. I have 4 kids provide for and out through college and I'm too old to save for retirement if I have to start from zero. He has proven he cannot be trusted with access to credit or accounts, so the plan was simple, shut access down and take over management myself. I'm exhausted already. However, I was reminded that bankruptcy is shared in a marriage - yippee. I then realized my only option to truly protect myself is divorce.

Take a moment. I have been on here talking about commitment to the preservation of my family, protecting my kids, and supporting my marriage. I truly believe IF he can grow the hell up, we will be OK. After all, I'm the only one who really takes a hit on the emotional stuff. Early days, I know for those of you gearing up to shout at my naïveté.

But the FI? Without very immediate reform, I will have no choice but to D to protect my kids.

I think people underestimate how devastating FI is. The affairs have already taken away my ability to step back at work for my kids, plan early retirement from my job, and make a ton of decisions about my future - because I don't know how my finanacial future looks. I'm livid about that. Layer on FI and the recklessness and threat that brings and it's TKO.

BS here. My WH put us into bankruptcy.

It wasn't financial "infidelity" as we were headed to D, but my husband decided to stop paying most of his bills after D-day, thus putting himself (and me, after we got back together) into quite a mess for quite awhile. It wasn't done TO me as at the time as I said we were getting divorced but it certainly affected me, greatly. WSs don't have the monopoly on this one.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 10:01 AM, September 5th (Tuesday)]

It's a good thing to keep an eye, a self check for WS if you will.

I find the two go closely hand in hand, probably with deep strong roots in instant "feel goods". In my instance there was rampant FI and could not make a criticism drenched in sugar. Nope, nothing that made him feel like less then a model citizen which he was not.

We're divorced, but looking back I see TONS of red flags. Anything that is a good self check on behavior is a blessing in my opinion. Anything that allows me to get a feel for what's going on with me is a good thing because I don't always know.

I never thought about this but on DDay 1 WH unloaded a loooong history of moving money here there and everywhere in reaction to certain bills coming due at the same time, months before. I thought of it as an overreaction on his part because it all worked out but he had gone to GREAT lengths to hide it from me and seemed to be feeling very guilty about it.

Now I can sort of see how it was connected to A-related spending and a general sort of binging philosophy where he was constantly putting off his problems until a later date. Nothing like the rest of you dealt with, we were never in danger of losing property, but the hiding and secrets and panic about being discovered. I didn't connect them before as Behaviours, I just thought of the finances as a stressor that led to the desire for escapism. Maybe it was both.

So, if a WS is still committing FI, then are they more likely to have a repeat A?

My WH has been FI since before we married. He bought a boat and couldn't figure out why I was mad. Then there was a series of TV's, a jeep, another new boat, but the kicker is when he bought a motorcycle on my birthday (nothing for me) and the night I found out and got mad, he slept with the OW starting the A that night.

I have had only one expensive item in our 25 years of marriage. It was a sewing machine that cost $1000. It's broken now. When I pointed this out to him, he said I got to have kids.

I FEEL you.

He got a brand new car (mine was used), he got a 4k lap top, I got a 500 desk top...

All the extra money went to him and his whims. Perfect examples are power tools to do wood working (a few hundred) that he NEVER touched one time, and a 600 grill, which he used twice because a cheaper one wasn't good enough.

It was always about him. I think the reason it's a good self check is if you find yourself thinking F him or her, I want this, it's probably that there is something else going on that is making you feel entitled.

Fantastic point smokenfire, and a good reminder for both BS and WS. I've experienced both unfortunately. But also struggled with finances as well, like you said. Thank you for bringing this up (((snf)))

I believe this is so TRUE. My WH is guilty of FI ... long before his A. This is so real to me. We've discussed this in MC. His purchases have put us in debt which took years to clean up and lots of sacrifice for the whole family (really, all but him). It's like each new Major undiscussed purchase was a little more than the last. As a matter of fact - his last STUPID PURCHASE was just two months before the A. The A was just the next act of selfishness and disregard/disrespect to me, his family and our M. I feel like a fool for standing by him through all of this when in the end ... he could just slap me in the face with his d*** in another woman. Well, obviously this post/my reply has just pissed me off! Anyway, this is so real for me! To me - I was a fool - STAND BY YOUR MAN! Why - I need to stop. Today is rough for me - it's affair season for me and today is the worst day of it! I apologize! This is real - maybe this response is against the rules - IDK!

Great topic. My wife broke down and admitted to me that we were over $50,000 in debt, told me to take over finances, and then absolved herself from making any changes needed. It was a horrible struggle and I was completely blindsided. We had barely begun to figure out how to fix it when I destroyed everything with my affair. Five years out and we are still working on healing from both but we make progress every day. But every days is a struggle.

Money is right up there in power struggles in relationships. I have a friend where cheating is not involved, but if he isn't paying a huge amount of attention to her, she goes on buying sprees that are insane. He then gets angry and rinse repeat. Not a healthy relationship.

I too used money as a way of revenge for her affair. I had been enamored of having a classic car, but we both decided that it was just not a practical purchase. About a month after DDay I came home with a classic car and was just waiting for her to say something about it. She looked at it and said it was great, but I knew she was upset. I have to tell you I was looking for a fight. We could afford the car, so it wasn't a stupid purchase. In fact it is now worth double what I paid and I really love the car. It was however bought for the wrong reason, but as a BH, I suppose it was my version of a revenge affair.

I betrayed my FWH financially YEARS before he had his A. It is something that has helped me to understand the rationalization mindset of a WS. It also helps me to understand that the old saying is NOT true about once a cheater always a cheater. Several of the WS have helped me further understand that what I was feeling when I committed FI was similar to what they felt. I am very appreciative of them . There is NO WAY I would betray my FWH in any way...and I have been completely faithful in every way since my financial DDay.

For YEARS my FWH called me a liar...and wanted to know more about our financial status. It was so HARD to endure his anger...but I did WITHOUT giving in to the temptation. He is now doing the same with the anger he sees from me...although after three years of R the anger is not as frequent as before.

In fact it is now worth double what I paid and I really love the car. It was however bought for the wrong reason, but as a BH, I suppose it was my version of a revenge affair.

As far as revenge affairs go, that is impressive. Most affairs do not appreciate with time. Likewise with cheating spouses.

Might I ask, what car did you get?

BS here. I think my WW would say that I had financial infidelity.

Long story short: I bought a business from my father. The business was very profitable and I incurred debt that took 12 years to pay off, payable to my parents.

She knew I was going to buy the business. She knew it was my dad's and that I would be paying them. She didn't know the amount or the payment period--really very little about the deal.

Now it has been a great business and has made lots of money for us, but she felt betrayed because we didn't decide to do it TOGETHER. I didn't fully inform her on the deal. I viewed it as my baby and I'm the man and it's my responsibility to provide for my family, so I'm going to go the direction that does so that is the most secure and most profitable and gives the most flexibility.

There were other smaller business purchases that I did that impacted our life without her full knowledge of all the details.

Add all that up and it gave her 15 years of seething resentment, anger, etc. that came to a head. She felt completely out of control.

I won't classify it as a betrayal. It's my JOB as a MAN to provide for my family. But it's also my JOB as a HUSBAND to love my wife and that means soliciting her input and discussing major events before they happen, as best I can.

So now I don't buy any more businesses, I don't hire a salesman, I don't volunteer my time, I don't schedule an event without giving her some notice and letting her get the facts before it impacts the family.

I am very, very sorry for what I have done. I should have realized this was so important to her and I should have been more attentive to her desires. I hurt her unnecessarily.

Financial infidelity... I think that term is a stretch because the big part of adultery (or affairs) is BETRAYAL. Taking something that is the essence of marriage, that makes it what it is at it's deepest core, and giving it to another in secret, for the pleasure of the self. It smacks of Satan betraying and defying the LORD and defiling the world. I believe this is why God sets adultery apart and makes it the one acceptable reason divorce.

And here I will make a stretch:

There has always been a division of labor within the household, by necessity. The man went out into the fields or off to the smithy or off to war. The wife would raise the children and take care of the spending and preparing of home and meals. That was the history of many thousands of years. Today, intellectual skill and craft is far more important than strength. Additionally, items like the oven, the refrigerator, the clothes washer/dryer, and the dish washer shorten the time of certain tasks. So women, much more now, have careers and husbands shoulder the rearing of the children and cook and clean as well. There is much more overlap in running a household. This overlap causes a lot of friction because communication is so much more important, and is never perfect. This causes a lot of pain and suffering if not done right. Spending money is a very common, unavoidable, area where there can be friction, or imperfect communication. I think there will always be some disagreement.

With 5 children and both of us working, it has been very difficult.

But the affair was so unnecessary, so horrible, so destructive, and so selfish. It is beyond words.

I would give all I own to undo that. I would rather she gave the OM all our money, than give him herself.

I'm way long, so I'll stop.

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 9:28 AM, September 6th (Wednesday)]