SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How would YOU feel if YOU were an AP ?

If I was an AP, I would primarily feel scared.

I would feel scared because I would never know when the BS whom I know is raging, brooding and obsessing about me , will snap and beat me up or kill me.

I would worry that my personal belongings and my home will be vandalized.

I would worry that the BS will retaliate against me by trying to get me fired from my job or post on those infidelity revenge website about me.

I was one by accident years ago for about a month. I didn't know the man was married. I thought I was dating a single guy. Even though I didn't know I was an AP, I felt like the lowest form of scum in the world. I felt so guilty. Called him out for the POS he was and dumped him.

I sincerely regret not telling his wife about it.

Its not in my personality ever to be an AP, however I would imagine that I would be nervous of getting caught, feel guilty that I am doing the wrong thing. Feel every bit the betrayer that APs are.

THe AP in my situation was overly confident...and lacked common sense...

..she was entitled...she was better...and she got what she wanted..aggressive go getter...she thought herself a high achiever...yet, she couldn't keep a job. She was a back stabber...

I personally enjoyed her failings.....she was blind to her faults.

We were at a company picnic, twice...both times, she left, or stayed far away from me...actually ran...she was afraid of me.... I was 50..she was 30.

IT can cause some dangerous emotions, when they cheat....I would be very uneasy....looking over my shoulder.....I have common sense. Its not just a fun on the side....you are blowing up lives and families....the hurt is unbelievable, and not to mention finances.....I would be afraid.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 12:20 PM, September 11th (Monday)]

I would be shitting my pants that the OBS would find out and go nuclear on me (rightly so).

I would shit my pants that I would trip up on a lie and make my BS suspicious and then my life and my kids life would unravel.

I would end up being a homewrecker and my kids and friends would see me as a ho, a liar, a cheater. Somebody naive (at the best), a cake-eater (at the worst).

And for what? For somebody who has the gift of the gab, but who just wanted to empty his balls.

If that's being an AP, I'll pass.

Never met my wife's workplace AP/OM, but she describes him as a big, strong but overweight tattooed man with a loud and authoritative personality that people listen to in a work setting.

Before I discovered she was having an affair, she described him as a big bodyguard type who shoo's off other men in the post office who try to hit on her.

At the time, I naively gave them the benefit of the doubt. "He shoos them away because he doesn't think it's right for men to hit on married women."

I sure guessed wrong, didn't I?

I would deduce that his size and intimidating tattoos give him the "confidence" do so as he pleases, like chase married women.

Never met him, but I've seen his pictures. He does look like a large, naturally strong, but terribly out of shape man.

I can only guess that he is cocky, entitled and sees my WW as the office "prize" that the men in the office covet

[This message edited by HoldTheLine at 11:15 AM, September 11th (Monday)]

You know, I can't even wrap my head around fucking someone else's husband. It just seems gross to me. I can't imagine being married and having sex with someone not my husband, either - that is equally repugnant.

How would I feel? ME? I guess I'd feel like the scum I was choosing to be. The whole entitlement thing that many of these OWs have - definitely both OWs in my H's case - is beyond my ability to comprehend. Ego kibbles from some asshole cheating on his wife? Telling some loser dude who is lying to his wife that he's so awesome? NOT EVEN POSSIBLE. And I also wouldn't believe any of that bullshit if it came from a married guy. I know that because THAT part did happen to me - old high school boyfriend saying things he had no business saying, and I told him so. Made me angry, and I lost A LOT of respect for him.

Weird question. But that whole "anyone can cheat under the right circumstances" is definitely not universally true, because the right circumstances absolutely existed for me, too. And it was so far outside of my own personal boundaries that the notion of infidelity still seems incomprehensible to me.

Popular music is a particularly disgusting contributer socially. Especially some subtypes of Rap/R&B.

Chris Brown in particular is really bad. 90% of Chris Brown songs contain lyrics of "taking a n**ga's, bitch."

Examples:

"...Just got rich, took a broke n*gga's b*itch..."

"...I can smell yo b**ch from a mile away, Valentine's p**sy it's a holiday..."

"...better cuff yo chick, lest she accidentally slip and fall on my d**k..."

Female singers can be just as bad.

Things like "....I got yo man blowing up my phone..."

"....yo man don't stop texting me..."

"....b**ch, don't hate me cuz yo man is thirsty for it..."

Popular culture depicts the ability to snag taken people to be a worthwhile sport, or indicative of status and self-worth if you're successful.

I mean, I think I'd feel like all of them.

I would know that the relationship could fall apart at any moment.

I would compare myself to her and I would want to be better than her, smarter, more successful, more attractive, younger, happier, more fun, more interesting, etc etc etc. I would worry every time he told me I was, that he was saying it to keep me invested and that he didn't believe it was true.

I would not be able to plan for the future. Who knows when he's going to pop up and suddenly be available to spend time with me? Who knows when it's all going to blow up and everyone will hate me the way I hate myself?

Mostly, I could never look that woman in the eye. I'd be afraid to go out in case I saw her. I would grasp at straws to make me feel good about myself temporarily. I would have no respect for myself.

I pity most of them.

My husband's AP just wants the security that I had and thought she could take a shortcut and take mine. She felt like an idiot when she didn't succeed. I hate that that happened. I wish people would think ahead to how it will all turn out.

I would feel confused because it would have to be an alternate universe where up is down and bad is good. I would be trying to find my way back to my universe where I'm not a cheating liar.

I don't know how I'd feel. Terrible shame, I think. Wondering who knew what. Afraid to meet peoples eyes, especially my spouses or the OBS's. I know how I've been when I've felt guilt about something not even close to what this would be. BTW, my WW never felt guilt. Probably fear about everything. Will anyone find out, is anyone talking behind my back, what consequences will I suffer?

It really pisses me off when it's stated that anyone can cheat under the right circumstances, like BlueIris. I'm 66 years old and have been able to withstand temptation. I've had a few "circumstances". But I guess I'm just a cheater that's not had or recognized the right circumstances. Wrong. What about self control? What about morals and conscience? What about evaluating pros and cons, cost and benefit, consequences.

I would feel as most undiscovered WS's or AP's feel. Good, great. Sexy. Confident. Entitled. Arrogant. I would be having the time of my life. A spouse and boyfriend. Both into ME! I would be in the throes of limerence. I would be having moments of guilt and shame, but, hey, compartmentalization will take care of that. I wouldn't be scared because no one was going to find out. If I did have moments of fear, once again, compartmentalization to the rescue.

I would never be an AP. I would feel like complete shit especially if children were involved. My conscience would wreak havoc on me.

Ethics and morals aside, I wouldn't want to wonder when this woman had sex with her SO. That's one piece of the A thing that just doesn't make sense to me. Profess love and devotion to another then send them home to their family. The spouse they interact with, cook for, celebrate holidays and other family time, sleep in the same bed, have sex, and tell them they love them. How fucked up do you have to be to knowingly share this person you claim to care for?

I have often wondered how the Slunt felt.

According to WH, on Dday she was crying.

When I caught her & WH having lunch together, a few weeks after Dday, she looked like she was gloating. I think that she thought she was "all that"---- that she could get WH to break his vows for her.

great. Sexy. Confident. Entitled. Arrogant

This ^^^^

After all, she was 20 years younger than us, a fitness instructor, had never had kids---in many ways she was arm candy for WH.

I think that she thought that she won the prize.

Don't know if she was worried about consequences or not.

.she was entitled...she was better...and she got what she wanted..aggressive go getter...she thought herself a high achiever...yet, she couldn't keep a job. She was a back stabber...

I wonder if that's the personality type of AP's? They all seem to be entitled, better, aggressive, manipulative, self-centered, and always put themselves above others.

I personally could not share someone. It would break my heart to know that my boyfriend was going home to his family after shagging me.

I would feel horrible toward my spouse, their spouse, and especially God. I would hate myself for hurting other people so deeply and ruining their lives.

Nasty. Like I had put on a pair of BS's dirty underwear. We put panty liners in swimsuits and wear our undies when trying them on so as to avoid contact with fluid from another woman's genitals. But AP lets a man who has put himself in his wife's genitals swap BS fluids to AP. He puts BS fluids inside her. I will never understand how they get over the ick factor there.

But that whole "anyone can cheat under the right circumstances" is definitely not universally true, because the right circumstances absolutely existed for me, too.

First off, for me, the wording is off. It would be "under the wrong circumstances." Second, I feel that most of us can not truthfully answer this question with adamance. You can not know if you have never been in the "wrong circumstance", you only know the circumstances you have been in.

Just saying, as human beings, we are fallible and we are not omniscient. Now, you may say "I don't feel I ever would commit adultery." I can agree with that wholeheartedly, but for one to state that they just "know" that they are incapable of infidelity and never would, well, yeah, not so much.

Great question and an excellent opportunity for empathetic imagining. If I was the AP in my situation I would feel like a failure - I had followed in my mother's footsteps and did the thing I most disliked her for. I would feel alone because I lost four of my best friends - two I still see from time to time but only because they are friends with my husband and I am well aware of that fact - I am not there because I am wanted, I am there because I am forced on them as a favor to my spouse. I'd feel like a failure for not completing my dissertation on time. I'd feel like a fraud because I started cheating on my husband 6 months into the marriage. I would feel like absolute garbage.

My husband's AP just wants the security that I had and thought she could take a shortcut and take mine. She felt like an idiot when she didn't succeed. I hate that that happened. I wish people would think ahead to how it will all turn out.

Me too. Realistic forethought would likely wipe this shit right out of the universe. Sadly, every cheater thinks they are going to be the one that doesn't get caught.

[This message edited by strugglebus at 2:29 PM, September 11th (Monday)]

SMS, I hear you, and usually I agree with you. But this time? I KNOW. I couldn't even date two men (or more 😳 though I would never be in that position either) casually. No way could I cheat. It might be true for you that you don't feel comfortable saying that you can assert, categorically, that you'd never cheat under any circumstances, but I don't share your uncertainty for myself. That was true before I was a BS, even when I was unhappy in my M, felt very much unloved and unappreciated by my spouse, and was preparing to D, and it has only been reinforced now.

I don't use people, nor would I knowingly hurt an innocent person. I couldn't. I didn't. And I know that's my truth without any caveats or reservations at all.

You want to know how they think? Or how adulterers think? Go to the Adultery sub on Reddit. Not for the weak of heart, I'll warn ya now.

I'm currently playing in there, and it's not just the delusions that are amazingly unreal, it's the justifications. Did you know all these people have no sex lives at home? I mean, NONE. Until one popped in mortified that her AP got his wife pregnant. No kidding.

Relationships based on lies, and they're shocked they're being lied to.

[This message edited by Rollercoaster214 at 2:38 PM, September 11th (Monday)]