SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So here’s my story, my wife and I have been married for 6 years but together for 11. We first met through my exgirlfriend. I had already eneded my relationship with my ex before my wife and I got together.my wife now was my ex’s manager. We are 19 years and 11 months different in age. I thought she was 32 when we got together and she throughly is was in my 20’s. She holds her age very well even today. My wife told me when we first got together that she had alot of guy friends I was okay with that at the time. She had a past before me I understood that. She stopped talking to all of them except maybe 5 the most.

One of which was her exboyfriend. He would always try to manipulate her in being with him instead of me, for the first year and half together. Because he wanted her back. And when I asked her to stop communication to him she said she’s not mean like that. So long story short nothing happened with him and her and as of today all ties to all other opposite sex have been cut off. I will say why in a minute.

Fast forward about 4 years. So we lived life both working and being the happiest we ever have been. I worked a Sunday thru Wednesday job and she worked retail. Overnights during Christmas season and mornings during the rest of the year. We were living in an apartment and we have been trying to get pregnant for a long time she wanted another child and I wanted one as well,which she has one from her first husband. And her 1st child and I get along so great even since the beginning. He even calls me his step dad proudly. So we finally got pregnant and had our precious son. Wife was 44 at the time he was born. We agreed to have her tubes tied, because we thought it would be to risky for her to get pregnant again, emotionally and everything with the age factor. So we were looking for a place to move to bigger once our lease was up and my wife said that she has a friend that has a few rental house. I said yeah who. She said a friend from the past, I said do you still talk to him she said no but I can ask him. So she found him in Facebook then messaged him and they started talking.

So my wife said he was going to come over to drop the keys off so we could go look at the rental. So he did that was the end of it the place was to small. We didn’t rent it. Well fast forward 1.5 years later and long behold we are renting from him after all. Well we lived there for almost 1 3/4 years. Well then we moved out and she cut communication ties to him. I had asked my wife if her and the Rudy (landlord/friend) ever had sexual or any type of relationship. I even asked her in the past when she first got ahold of him about the rentals and she said no nothing ever happened between them ever.

Well just this year we joined a marriage enrichement program through church and it came out that she and him had sex for security deposit. My wife and I made an agreement that if we ever think about cheating on the other that we would let them know. Well that was her case. She says that it only happened one time and they used condoms. He’s fixed by the way. Well so as I have a feeling she’s lying I go and confront this individual r(Rudy) and he tells me everything even that she had arranged for him to come over to the apartment in the past to drop the keys off and she invited him in and started on him. When I ask my wife about that time she says she doesn’t remember. It has only been 7 years ago. Well the sexual affair had happened 5 years ago and she assures me that it only happened one time. Later on after joining this program she confess more that her and Rudy has had sex 5-6 times for rent late fees. I asked my wife and she says that that’s what Rudy said in the agreement that if she’s ever late on rent that she gives him sex. And she also says that he is the one that brought up the sex in exchange for the security deposit.

I got ahold of Rudy on Facebook and talked to him. He told me that she always looks for him in the past. They have known eachother for over 30years. Rudy told me that She cheated on her first husband, her ex boyfriend the one that tried to break us up at the beginning and now me with Rudy sexually. Rudy also said that they never used condoms and that she gave him oral and she swallowed. Which she has never done with me. Rudy told me that she’s the one that would always call or text him come over collect rent the doors unlocked just walk in. Rudy also told me that this happened monthly for like a year. Rudy didn’t live in town he live on the east coast and we live in Texas.

Well when I ask my wife about all the details that Rudy told me she says no he’s the one that would say remember what you agreed on. And my wife also said it only happened 5-6 times and she never swallowed. And when I ask here about other things in that affair she says I don’t remeber. I asked her specifically did he cum inside or pull out she said pull out every time. Rudy said he never pulled out.

We joined a program in church to help with our marriage and it is working so far.

Oh and also just the end of last year she had met up with her high school friends for a mini reunion and was sexting this guy from the reunion, for only like a month and she cut it off. So I asked her did y’all texted or talk through facebook. She said Facebook. I told her that I talked to this guy and he said that they talked and sexted through phone. My wife said I don’t remeber giving him my number. Come on that’s was just the end of last year I y’all myself.

So I have forgiven my wife for all this but it’s still hard to overcome another man having sex with my wife. I feel sometimes she isn’t telling me the whole truth yet. she didn’t tell me till just this year so 7 years of not saying anything to me. She has turned herself over to Jesus Christ and given herself to him which she has never done before and same with me and it has helped so much.

Also I had asked her about her past and she says if it doesn’t pertain to you and I then you don’t need to know. What are yalls thoughts on everything?

Thanks

With all due respect, do you believe the facts about the deposit and late rent? Was it really that easy? "Hey, rent's late so let's have sex to forget it?" "OK." I cannot think she would do so often and so willingly over this stuff. There had to have been a lot more to it.

And who would something like that so easily?

I think you have far far deeper issues than this.

I understand that you have forgiven her. But she lived a lie, then when it came to light continued to lie to you- her husband.

J17, until there is full resolution here and things are rally placed on the table, I feel the relationship will get worse. I know the sting of having an unfaithful wife who professes piety. I also think that by forgiving her so easily it has empowered her to lie to you as now she faces no consequences to lie and betray.

In the Old Testament, adultery was a capital offense. In God's eyes, it murders a marriage. By failing to properly deal with this I feel it will eventually destroy yours as well.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 12:07 PM, October 19th (Thursday)]

Christians understand that in order to be forgiven, they must confess and repent. It is this way with God, and it is this way with other human beings.

Your wife has not confessed everything to you, thus, she has not truly repented, and as such, you do not know what you're forgiving. Blanket "forgiveness" is not forgiveness, but a form of rugsweeping.

Christians understand that God knows all sins, but He expects one to confess nonetheless- the first step to repentance.

You have a wife who is using a fraudulent "born again" status to avoid responsibility for her actions.

[This message edited by Fife at 12:21 PM, October 19th (Thursday)]

I agree there’s more to it. But I do know that my wife was Rudy’s first back when the were teenagers. And they stayed in contact. Since Rudy told me that she would always coming looking for him. My wife says there was no emotional attachment. She has confessed that she likes sex.As far as talking about it she says she gets so grossed out to even think that his hands were touching her. I have asked her specific questions and she tells me one thing then I say then why would rudy say something else. She says that she doesn’t remember things that she mentally blocked it out. And she says if god wants her to remember then she will. I am afraid she is using the can’t remember card so I would just drop it. And I am afraid she may never tell me the truth. I have always put her first I never would talk to other girls or even flirt with them if any kind cause I am a faithful man once we got together. So I give it to her all the time and when I want it its a battle. She tries to say that having our son is what changed her emotionally.

when it comes to asking about her past she gets so defensive about and tells me that I don’t need to know I wasn’t in her past. But the guys that are in her past have come to surface for example Rudy. So I look at it that I should know everything about her past now for the betrayal . Am I wrong?

My thoughts are that your wife's behavior is disgusting, immoral, maybe even illegal. I mean if you believe her story, she prostituted herself with this landlord while the two of you were in a committed relationship. Unbelievable.

My other thought is that you haven't really forgiven her, you are just afraid of losing her and your family. You are willing to accept her past behavior and current lying in order to maintain your security. If this is the case then just accept that you are going to be tormented by the truth regarding her sexual escapades now and then. You will learn how to stuff all of those feelings into the back of your mind and keep it locked away. It will escape and torture you now and then but you'll learn to swallow this shit sandwich. Best of luck to you.

You've rugswept everything. There's no reason to believe that you know even half of all her infidelities. She's a serial cheater. I wish you luck,bc you're going to need it.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 1:08 PM, October 19th (Thursday)]

You are NOT listening to your gut. Your gut (maybe God) is telling you there is much more that you don't know about this woman you married. She married you with secrets and now you see that there are many many secrets. I would also suggest that you only have the tip of the iceburg.

Sounds like she would need many years of therapy, and to be frank... life is just too short for that to be a viable option.

Good luck!

Welcome Jeremiah.

I feel sometimes she isn’t telling me the whole truth yet. she didn’t tell me till just this year so 7 years of not saying anything to me

I understand that you want to believe your wayward wife.

Your persistent feelings of skepticism are right on the money though.

Just about all cheaters engage in trickle truth. (TT)

"Share your WS's TT stories "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=612326

I will direct you to some links now.

Here are link to the abbreviations we use here.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Here is the link to the healing library. Many here will recommend that you read it.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

I will now give you my customary welcome with links I believe that every newly betrayed spouse should be aware of.

Sorry that you are in so much pain but so glad that you did find us.

I will leave you some reference thread.

You will find these threads very helpful. Please read them when you have a chance.

Here's how other BS's describe the pain of infidelity.

"Being cheated on hurted you so bad that you could've "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=588628

Here are the physical symptoms of healing from the trauma of infidelity.

"What physical symptoms of A did you have? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597986

Here's what others members here recommend to do to help with those physical symptoms.

"Advice U would give new BS's w/ physical symptom of A? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=612147

Here's how long the physical symptoms may last for you.

"Physical symptoms "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=524902

It is very very normal to obsess about the A all, everyday FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

"The A Has Taken Over "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=606592

Here's what the members here obsess about .

"Top 5 things you obsessed about? Dday til now "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597356

Also, I have links in my signature that will give you honest insights into your anger.

Sending you peace and strength.

Walking with you.

My wife and I made an agreement that if we ever think about cheating on the other that we would let them know.

I chuckle everytime someone posts this. I get this thought in my head about asking a fox to guard the henhouse. But... Mr. fox if you ever think about eating one of my hens... just let me know. Once you realize that cheating is lying and vice versa you realize that the your statement above makes NO sense at all. Nobody is going to give you any warning that their going to cheat. They just do it.

I had asked her about her past and she says if it doesn’t pertain to you and I then you don’t need to know.

Dude, she's feeding you cow manure.

ALL I'VE HEARD ON YOUR POST HERE IS EXCUSES FOR HER BEHAVIOR

You must read my bio and understand where I stand on marriage and my experience to really take my comments to heart and know that I speak from experience. I believe till death do us part and I believe that I sin against God to divorce my wife. That however gives you no right to make excuses for her slutty behavior and give it a pass by not confronting it till it comes to the truth.

She is a perfect example of "forgetting" and blameshifting.

So a lesson on truth. Omission is also a lie!!! And she's still lying to you and you know it.

There is direct link between telling the truth, forgiveness and the building of trust. Without truth and forgiveness, trust cannot build from where you are.

God forgives because God knows and chooses to forgive. Forgiveness comes after confession and repentance, not before. We receive the gift AFTER we confess.

This girl is playing you for a fool and is not being honest with you and trying to use God to manipulate you into not asking more questions.

Yes you have a Biblical obligation to forgive her even if she was a whore.

Marriage is not a I do my part if you do yours... it is an I do my part even if you don't do yours.

BUT YOUR MARRIAGE CANNOT MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT THE TRUTH. You need the truth before you can give her the gift of forgiveness. Without the truth, you will not trust her like your marriage desperately needs.

Right now, you are her trophy that she can use to keep living the lie that she's been a tramp for many years. She is using you to convince herself that life can go on without having to answer for her slutty behavior. Metaphorically you're giving money to a cocaine addict. You are feeding into the lie of her adulteries.

You need to stand up and get a pair and demand that she come clean. If you have to schedule her for a lie detector test then do it.

This girl is a serial cheater and willing to prostitute herself out for rent money?

What are you doing having her do business deals with her X that you knew was trying to pull you two apart???? WAKE UP and take leadership of your house!

You need to pray a hedge of thorns about her like Gomer.

If she's serious about reconciliation she needs to do the following... NO EXCUSES:

She needs to come clean... all of it. If she cannot immediately remember, she needs to document it on a timeline. Tell me a woman doesn't know how many men she's slept with? If she's lost count or forgotten, she's more of a tramp than you could ever believe.

She needs to have parental control software installed on all of her electronics that will send you reports on her web usage, phone calls and text chats etc...

She needs to get into IC... can be pastoral IF EXPERIENCED in helping people through this.

One other thing... I know you want to know but does him FU@#$%^ her with a condom make it any better or worse than without? I sincerely apologize for my hard stance but you really need some tough love right now.

My recommendation is not to ask her about the fine details of each time she screwed a man. You may have a right to know and you will want to know but some of those things haunt me today that I wish I didn't. All I wish I knew looking back is that it happened, general idea of frequency and if we've been tested. Being a hacker, I got all the information I wanted... it still haunts me today her explaining to one of the John's to prove it wasn't me trying to trick them... "it happened at the park, you were wearing .... I was wearing.... and it ended in my mouth."

Avoid the temptation as much as possible to know every detail and just stick to high levels.

Also to give you an opposing view for that... do you want her trying to remember each encounter and explain it to that detail? That means she'll have to relive the experience.

Stick to high level and don't ask if she swallowed it.. you know she did things with them that she may never do with you.

Well knowing every detail was not a good idea. It puts images in my head.the fact that she told me crying right to my face that they used protection every time and it happened one time only and finding out that was all lie. I don’t know what else to beleive. I had asked her if there were other men Since we have been together and she says no just Rudy. I feel it’s a lie to. If your trying to change for the better and put to rest your old self then wouldn’t it be a good idea to get it all out on the table?

Also I had asked her about her past and she says if it doesn’t pertain to you and I then you don’t need to know.

Have you tested your son to make sure he is yours? With the constant changing in your WW story I would definitely get a test kit sent off. I would like to think that is something you need to know.

Im an oldtimer here. I preface woth that because over that time Ive seen and heard it all.

1. This isnt about God or faith. Just stop that narrative now.

2. Your wife is a liar and a cheater. Understand that she is making choices over a d over to cheat. Hell shes practically a prostitute. Screwing for rent ???

3. You can demand the truth. You should.

4. What you are seeing is not remorse bit guilt. They feel and look similar. However real remose means giving you the truth and owning her choices. She is not doing that.

Demand she be std tested. Demand a poly. You cant rebuild on what you have. She will absolutely repeat this until she fixes her own brokenness.

have her write a timeline of the A.

also have her get a test for stds.

Has she cut off all contact with all of her boyfriends?

I agree with the DNA on your child.

then have her take a poly on her timeline.

You can't fix this by yourself. she would want to know if you had an A.

So it is fair that she tell you.

And she needs IC to fix her boundaries.

has she read not just friends and how to help your spouse heal from her affairs?

She is lying to you and she does not respect you if she will not tell you the truth.

If you can't get her to be remorseful and that is something that you can't force, then file for D.

Time to man up. Her actions show that she does not love and respect you.

So file.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:03 PM, November 5th (Sunday)]

find the whole truth via polygraph or some other means and then do the best for yourself. She doesn't deserve yo bro

I'm so sorry you're here. You've received sound advice from everyone above. Please consider it all. Also, as someone who found out after marraige but it happened before, the pain is just as real whether you find out the next day or years later. It hurts like hell. Please take care of yourself and get the testing done to make sure you're ok. Read the healing library and maybe show her how to receive the silent treatment while you figure this out.

Your wife seems very manipulative, a bit of a ditz, and frankly a bit of a tramp. The sex for rent thing sounds like a fairy tale. It was probably sex for sex. I will say that her story not matching oms is very telling.

So now she is a Christian. Remind her that adultery is a sin, but so is lying about it. Lying by omission is also lying. Lying by minimization is also lying. Lying by refusing to talk about what she has to know is lying. Feigning lack of memory is also lying. Seeing a pattern here?

If this s what you want, so be it, but she does not sound like a safe partner at all. You might seek a DNA test. It will take a lot off your mind either way.