SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

My wife and I transferred down to Dallas from New York for a better way of life a few months ago. However, two months later, I found out the real reasoning behind her wanting to move down here.

She told me last night after I asked her some questions about where she was spending all her time on the weekends and most of the weeknights.

She said that she is seeing someone else and is sorry about it. She said that back in February when she was traveling to Dallas, she stayed in a hotel room with a male colleague. The first night they slept in separate beds but the male colleague "forced" himself into her bed and they made love (her words not mine) and that is how they started. I don't believe her.

When I asked who it was, I was shocked. Her male colleague is an ex-marine who hung out regularly with us.

I'm stunned and shocked and hurt. I don't want to be with her.

7 years of marriage...gone. Thank God we have no kids. I want to cut my losses and leave as quickly as possible back to the East Coast. I want to file for a quick divorce. I am done here.

Question: How long would it take to get over this? This is all new to me. I want to just leave the divorce papers for her to sign. What if she doesn't sign them? ugh

[This message edited by EdHan at 10:42 AM, October 21st (Saturday)]

Sorry you're here. Sounds like your mind is pretty made up. Have you seen a lawyer yet? Also what has her response to all of this been? Does she know you're filing?

I wouldn't move out just yet until you talk to a lawyer. In some places moving out like that can hurt you in a divorce. Anyway start protecting yourself. If you have any joint accounts, take what you feel is yours ASAP. If she has access to your money/vice versa that also needs to be cut.

But your priority should be talking to a lawyer and limiting contact with your wife as much as possible in the mean time.

I should also add there's no need to rush things. Many people recommend giving it at least 6 months before making a decision. Mostly based on how the cheating spouse behaves. You can always file for divorce, and you always have time to call one off if you change your mind.

Your best bet is a hard no contact. She deceived you into moving so she could be with her boyfriend.

You have no future with someone of that low character.

File and let your attorney handle it.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:00 AM, October 21st (Saturday)]

I understand how you feel but please take a step back before doing anything. See a lawyer and make sure you get what you are entitled to. It will take time to get over. You need to travel the 5 stages of grief as you have lost something and someone dear to you. Please seek therapist so you can work through it and leave it behind. My prayers go with you

It's a general saying around here that it take 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. Obviously, this can vary greatly, but on your current path, recovery should be the quickest.

You want out of your marriage. You have no children. You plan to leave the area of infidelity to go back to your familiar surroundings, which may have friends and/or family for support. You will be out of contact with your soon-to-be-ex. These are all items that will help you get through this mess quicker.

But a word of warning--

You need to process this trauma. Don't stuff all of your emotions in a box, and avoid the process. Let the hurt, anger, tears, and fears be felt. Let off some steam at the gym. Take up a hobby that you "never got around to". Be, for the lack of a better description, a little selfish. It's time to put you first.

Also, post often on this thread. It often helps to commiserate with others who have walked this path.

Good luck.

It's a general saying around here that it take 2-5 years to recover from infidelity

Unfortunately, this is true.

"2-5 years to heal? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=612039

Now, I will leave you my customary welcome with links that I personally believe that EVERY new BS should be aware of.

Sorry that you are in so much pain but so glad that you did find us.

I will leave you some reference thread.

You will find these threads very helpful. Please read them when you have a chance.

Here's how other BS's describe the pain of infidelity.

"Being cheated on hurted you so bad that you could've "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=588628

Here are the physical symptoms of healing from the trauma of infidelity.

"What physical symptoms of A did you have? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597986

Here's what others members here recommend to do to help with those physical symptoms.

"Advice U would give new BS's w/ physical symptom of A? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=612147

Here's how long the physical symptoms may last for you.

"Physical symptoms "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=524902

It is very very normal to obsess about the A all, everyday FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

"The A Has Taken Over "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=606592

Here's what the members here obsess about .

"Top 5 things you obsessed about? Dday til now "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597356

Also, I have links in my signature that will give you honest insights into your anger

Sending you peace and strength.

Walking with you.

Question: How long would it take to get over this

?

shoudn't it be immediately. from yr story it looks like she has no care or even regard for you.actually she is cruel to drag you along to dallas. think of her cruelness and betrayal. With friends like her you need no enemy. hope POS marine face some consequences

[This message edited by goalong at 12:02 PM, October 21st (Saturday)]

It’s 2-5 to heal during an optimal reconciliation. If he cuts bait and UNCONDITIONALLY goes No Contact (blocks numbers, removes from social media, only communicates through lawyer) then the healing will be significantly accelerated.

My situation was somewhat similar to yours in that we didn't have any kids and both of us are financially independent, so we were able to go true NC. You are very lucky for that and that will help with your healing.

That being said, it still does take years to recover. You really do need to work through everything, or you are likely to pick another partner who is as bad as or potentially even worse than the one who brought you to this site.

For me, I'd guess I was truly happy most of the time 2-3 years out. About 4 years after D-Day, I met my current boyfriend (of 2 years) and am in a better relationship than I ever thought possible.

Don't rush it -- it does take time to process. Time spent on yourself. It's worth it and will result in a much happier future for you.

You've got this.

I was also married for 7 years when I found out but we had two kids.

Believe me, what makes adultery and this kind of betrayal so incredibly painful is the pain you have for your children.

The very FIRST thing that went through my mind the instant I found out was the thought of how this was going to utterly devastate my two kids - they loved their family and that foundation was ruined, stolen, and destroyed.

I separated quickly, filed for divorce within a few months after getting things in order, acquired information needed to win decisively in a custody battle (if she was going attempt to run off or move in with OM, she didn't), and got myself emotionally ready to break this to my kids.

As far as getting over her? That was very quick.

The hardest part was being a single dad and working it within my job schedule.

I started to excel in being a single dad and enjoy it more than being a married dad to an unremorseful, adulterous POS.

Had it happened and we had no kids?

That would have been one of the quickest divorces in history and I would have been fine in no time.

Just know with certainty that what she has done has nothing to do with you or your marriage.

When you divorce her, you will be leaving her and HER issues behind.

You will be liberated from her delusional, drama-filled crap and free to live a life with someone who has self-respect and whose self worth is determined by living authentically and with integrity, or on your own and your own terms.

EdHan, welcome. I really sorry that you have the reason to come find us, but I'm glad that you DID, so we can try to support you.

I strongly suggest that you see a good divorce lawyer ASAP in TX. From this point on, the dissolution of your marriage is a business transaction, and you want it to go as quickly as possible, while getting out with as little financial damage as possible. Go NC (No Contact, the abbreviations that we use are in The Healing Library link is in the yellow box in your upper left screen) immediately and start to detach by using the 180, also in The Healing Library, and in the links that Dorothy gave you. If you WW (Wayward Wife, one who cheats) is so gung ho to marry her lover-boy, she may be willing to give up assets to get this done ASAP, so strike while the iron is hot. This is now war start thinking victory conditions. Get an aggressive lawyer up on men's rights. At the minimum, I would file for you being compensated for the move which was made under false pretenses.

In the meantime, it's going to hurt and hurt a lot. You were basely betrayed and uprooted your ENTIRE life so that your WW could come out to meet and abandon you for her lover. She's just taken a knife to you and happily, slashed away while you stood in shock. It's going to take some time to heal. I truly think that you're doing the correct thing in getting yourself out of infidelity as quickly as possible and leaving. This will help shorten your healing time. But make no mistake, you are going to be in pain for a while. Take care of yourself. Eat, stay hydrated, stay away from the booze, get what sleep you can, and don't jump out in the dating scene for a year. Heal, don't rebound while your hurt.

If you are determined to divorce, you may want to go to the separation and divorce forum and introduce yourself. Lots of neat people down there as well. But whatever you do, please do post for support. We're all here for you.

In Texas a divorce can be done in 90 days. This will depend on how agreeable everything is between the parties.

She is still lying to you.

do not believe anything coming out of her mouth.

Go see your attorney as fast as you can.

Stay NC with her. Make sure that you do not have stds.

do not get her pregnant. stay away from her.

You made a decision and go ahead and file.

expose to her parents and to your family.

She will lie to everyone about how you abused her.

Hope you can stay NC. get a VAR to protect yourself from claims of abuse.

Would she be willing to leave your place and go live with the OM, so that you would not have to see her face anymore?

I agree with Marz. I don't see how you can possibly come back from that. Your WW and OM obviously had this planned long before the move unbeknownst to you. To me that is devious and heinous all rolled into a giant sh*t sandwhich.

Everything she tells you from before you moved must be considered a lie. Contact a lawyer and have NC with your WW.

(((EdHan)))

I am very sorry you have joined us here. I am sorry you were hurt so grievously by the one you lovED.

I am married to a serial cheater. If I could do it over, I would divorce him the first time he lied, before he could cheat.

Please think of YOUR future and jump on that divorce quick

I am so sorry you have found yourself here. But it will get better. I strongly recommend that you remain in Texas until the divorce is final should you go that road. You will find the Divorce laws in Texas significantly more equitable than in the North East. You also don't want to be accused of abandonment. Granting of alimony is an exception and the courts will consider adultery when they divide marital property. I was successful using Mediation rather than an expensive legal fight as the laws are pretty cut-and-dried here in Texas. You can successfully execute a divorce in as little as 61 days. I understand you to be only a few months in Texas and you may want to ensure your filing date is after the residency requirement has been fulfilled. Best of luck to you sir.

I'm sorry you're here, but glad you found us.

When you are done, you know it. But it takes as long as it takes to heal. Detachment is key, and that means NC (no contact) except for finances or other D (divorce) logistics. Don't emotionally rugsweep everything or it WILL rear its ugly head in some future relationship. Process the trauma.

Talk to an attorney, but I believe there is a six month residency requirement in Texas (and each county is typically 60 days) for filing. So that may delay your ability to file. If she doesn't sign, that won't prevent you from divorcing, but it will likely drag it out longer than if she agrees to do it amicably.

leave and go somewhere else and get back to your new life. Do a 180, cut all contact and leave her behind. Just tell her you are 'taking a break' and will revisit things in a month or two to buy time.

As Phoenix1 said, I would wait until the very day 6 months hit, then I would file in Texas and not NY as Texas has some of the very best divorce laws for men, NY some of the worst.

Go evil on her pathetic ass

Let me just say ... as a woman, women like this are scum. He "forced" himself on her? How is it forcing if she's complying and into it? This isn't a hentai!

She consented she's just lying to you, and in the process calling this guy a rapist. Which is awful. What an awful person. He might be an OM but think of the implications of her telling another man he's also a rapist. Geez.

No kids - thank God!

No one can tell you how long it will take to "get over it" because we're all different people. What I can tell you is that the sooner you cut off ALL communication with her the sooner you begin to heal. There shouldn't be much reason to even see her again. Your divorce should be cut & dried and your lawyer can handle everything. You just sign something at some point.

Zero contact & a quick divorce is the quickest way to leave her behind & move forward with you life.