SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been doing a lot of reading and I think I may have narcissistic victim syndrome, which is why I can't seem to break away from a man who isolated me, cheated on me, deceived me for years, and wants nothing to do with the fallout of what he did - just wants to pretend like nothing happened. I've been letting him out of fear of losing him.

Has anyone else experienced this? What can I do now? I'm so scared to lose him but I don't even know who he is.

You can see an IC who specializes in codepency and victims of abuse/narcissistic partners. You can read "Codependent No More" and get an idea of what that dynamic looks like and how you can go about stopping the dysfunctional dance you are doing. I would also suggest doing a search online for books about loving narcissistic partners too because you may not strictly fit the definition of a codependent in the first book but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're any less stuck in some form of dysfunctional relationship with someone who is bad for you. You may also want to look into things like "Women Who Love Too Much" and try to figure out why you stay. Discuss everything with an IC.

Just wanted to say you're not alone. I've only realized I've been codependent since I became a mom and was no longer contributing equally financially. I had no idea how much it affected my lack of self esteem in our relationship.

My husband is in a midlife crisis and that is when he has become narcissistic. He was not always like this. He's taking on more and more of his father's traits and it is scary. I wish I could help him see the destruction of the affair, but I've finally realized I cannot make him do anything he doesn't want to do - part of the control issue of a codependent. My eyes are being opened up. I have those same books on my kindle.

Not alone. My WS was diagnosed as having 'heavy NPD tendencies' but I think he is a true Narcissist. I am an empath and also have co-dependency issues. I know most empaths are like Narcissist magnets. Seems every partner I have had has abused me in one way or another.

There isn't really an answer as I've learned Narcissists cannot be helped we can only help how we interact and react to them unfortunately or leave and get a D seems to be the popular answer, but easier said than done.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:46 PM, December 29th (Friday)]

I've been letting him out of fear of losing him.

You are singing my song. Codependency--when you can actually see yourself clearly--is the most painful, debilitating disease of the mind.

1. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie--a game changer. Opened my eyes.

2. Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft--ended my hope sickness.

3. Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson--helped me heal the neediness and shame that stuck me to not one but three narcissists!

IC.

IC.

IC.

Healing my codependency and becoming a healthy person has improved every area of my life. I wish you the best. You feel sad, lost, and defeated, but beginning the learning and work will bring your hope and energy back. There is light! You can fix this!

Just wanted to say you're not alone. I've only realized I've been codependent since I became a mom and was no longer contributing equally financially. I had no idea how much it affected my lack of self esteem in our relationship.

THIS x 100!

It happens over time and you don't even realize it until it's too late.

Narcisissm and infidelity apparently go hand in hand. Wish I had known that a long time ago. If only. It's all about the sense of entitlement and being above the boundaries others follow. They are above that nonsense you see, rules don't apply to them.

Narcisissm, infidelity and codependency are the ingredients for a witches brew and is extremely toxic. I'm learning as I go so I may not be an expert, but living it for many years has in many ways indeed made me just that. It's a surreal and difficult reality to live in.

Yes I too have a tremendous amount of fear and I hear you loud and clear. With other issues in my life piling up, it's making my issues of codependency become painfully obvious. I have no magic answer, just wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling this way. ❤️

T/j:

With other issues in my life piling up, it's making my issues of codependency become painfully obvious.

Will you be posting on this, MBB? It is rough to recover from so many things and deal with so many things all at one time. I remember a feeling of the ground shaking, of my life feeling like a perpetual earthquake. As I handled myself differently, it felt like even more drama rained down on me! (As Melody Beattie says, people were certainly pushing me to "Change back!")

Wishing you the best, MBB.

End t/j.

Apologies.

moonofmylife:

Narcissim, the gift that keeps giving!!

I hear you and understand!

I know that I lived in fear. Fear of what he would do if I D him, fear that he wouldn't be happy. Got suckered in by the hoovering because it would get to a point that even crumbs would seem like a feast.

Over and over again ad nauseum.

All I can suggest is that try as much as you can to distance yourself emotionally from him. Try to take steps that you can be more financially independent from him. Sock away any money, even if it's $1, $5, give it to a trusted friend or relative. When buying groceries using a debit card, use the cash back feature and take a few bucks. It won't show on the statement.

IC

IC

IC

People IRL don't truly understand. They would give you advice like, "Just leave him!!"

Not an easy task when dealing with a Narcissist. (almost impossible)

We long for the days when they were "love bombing" us and the occasionally hoover does us in since our self esteem is so very very low.

I too keep living in hope. Luckily for me, I was able to have some distance away from him for several months. I'm afraid of him coming back because I might fall for it all over again.

Sometimes they are like a drug that we know is bad for us.

OwningItNow

Yes, I will be.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm going to get those books and I've already read so much online. It's been horrifying to realize what's actually been going on here. It's like a nightmare I wish I could wake up from.

even crumbs would seem like a feast

Sometimes they are like a drug that we know is bad for us.

This is exactly how I feel. I wish I could unsee it and crawl back into the hole. He is my high school sweetheart and all I've ever known. I feel like my entire life has been a lie but also like there is nothing out there for me other than him. I guess that's the mind games and devaluing at work. How do these people put their head on the pillow at night?

He is my high school sweetheart and all I've ever known. I feel like my entire life has been a lie but also like there is nothing out there for me other than him. I guess that's the mind games and devaluing at work. How do these people put their head on the pillow at night?

I know exactly what you mean. I look back at my life and it's one big fat lie. How I wish I'd realized this stuff early on, maybe I could've not slipped so far into it.

As for your last question, as much as I hate my XWH right now, I'm not sure he realizes what happened with us and how our life together was. I think he just went along with everything, thinking we were normal. The more narcissistic he was,the more codepedent I became, neither of us doing it on purpose or even realizing the sick dance we were doing.

What's really hard for me to wrap my mind around is how sure I was that we were fine; I was so proud of how I'd lived my life and had zero regrets. Today, just a few months after my world blew up, I question everything. If I see an old photo, I wonder if I was missing all the signs and were they all right in front of my nose all the time?

This stuff is no fun at all.

WH is my high school sweetheart too... I don't think I'm exactly an empath but pretty darn close.... and I 'd say that it has been just the last few years where he has become narcissistic - pretty sure it is him turning into his father and going into the MLC tunnel. All part of the crisis. Oh and he knows he has my number to get me excited, knows which buttons to push to get under my skin.... yeah it is all part of the CHAOS KID thing that Dr. Larry Bilotta talks about. If you haven't seen his explaination of this and how our brain neurons send out transmitting signals that draw us towards one another just so their childhood can be replayed in MLC, it is fascinating stuff.

MOONOFMYLIFE and JOSIEP

Your entire life is not a lie... you had some good memories, right? I wish we could go back to the time when our kids were very little before they started school and life seem oh so difficult then. Boy, I sure wish I knew that those were in fact the best days of our lives!

I think that NPD and people whit narssisitic traits have that from the bigining..and when marriage or relationship hit the rocky road then this selfish people show true colors.People can't became narssisit.You can read stockholm sindrom and cognitive disonance..or watch videos on you tube..true Npd people don't have empaty for anybody,and you can see that in their eys..empty,dead and cold eys..you can see that in pictures.

th

ink that NPD and people whit narssisitic traits have that from the bigining..and when marriage or relationship hit the rocky road then this selfish people show true colors.People can't became narssisit.You can read stockholm sindrom and cognitive disonance..or watch videos on you tube..true Npd people don't have empaty for anybody,and you can see that in their eys..empty,dead and cold eys..you can see that in pictures.

That's an interesting comment because when I saw my DD's wedding photos, I was absolutely struck by how her (now X) husband looked. I was there in person and I had some reservations about him but when I saw the photos, I was fascinated by them but didn't realize why at the time. You'd explained it. Sad but true. :(

The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg

Spartan Life Coach on YouTube

I have been where you are. Addicted to my narc. Feeling the pathological loneliness. These guys have helped a lot.

Raising hand! Lisa A. Romano and Ross Rosenberg on YouTube are great, as is IC and AlAnon. You are not alone.

Raising hand! Lisa A. Romano and Ross Rosenberg on YouTube are great, as is IC and AlAnon. You are not alone.Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

Sorry... dupe resent by mistake

[This message edited by dayatatime at 5:45 PM, December 31st (Sunday)]

Wow. That sums up my life perfectly. I had no idea there was an actual clinical term for the hell I willingly allow myself to live with. His coldness, lack of emotion, inability to show true remorse or have compassion for me. Yet I just can’t quit him. I am paralyzed by fear and can’t imagine life without him, so I allow so much crap.

I was raised by a malignant narcissist and married to a sociopath; and am definitely an empathy, so it’s shocking I’m not the huge ball of codependency I might be (though I’m NOT denying wrangling with it, in the past & sometimes now as a mother).

While I’ve read all of Beattie (the real expert), she didn’t resonate with me as much as Susan Anderson (Journey from Abandonment to Healing). My trauma responded best to an IC specializing in trauma and it’s effects on the brain; I didn’t need to talk for months about codependency or even what happened (though of course we DID talk). Rather, my traumatized brain—really battered by decades of living with narcissistic abuse—was in a veritable storm, and I needed help with tools to calm it.

My IC was a VERY brain-based psychologist who focused on techniques more than talk. (In our state, she also has the specialized training to prescribe meds, but is not quick to go that route.) Things like journaling, biofeedback, neurofeedback, and EMDR are so very helpful in dealing with the trauma of narcissistic/sociopathic abuse.

Codependency isn’t the first avenue I’d go down, when looking for ways to cope with personality disorder. At least for me, abandonment was far more an issue.

ETA: I think those of us who married HS sweethearts were at a huge disadvantage (was SO glad neither of my kids did!). I can look back now—and I’m almost 8 years from my last Dday—and see hundreds of red flags that were waving even in high school. But being young and inexperienced (and manipulated by the already-narcissist—because this is central to personality, if the disorder is present—it doesn’t arise later. It DOES, however, often coincide with NORMAL adolescent behavior that is ordinarily outgrown) makes it far easier for us to miss important cues that something is very wrong. Even ones more flagrant than typical.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:57 AM, January 1st (Monday)]