SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We were together 10. She cheated in our 2nd year. I revenge cheated a month after D-Day (making out, no sex)

We stayed together. We had a pretty awesome life since the A. Put it out of her heads, built new memories. We improved our relationship. I matured and improved myself a lot and so did she.

Honestly, she’s been an amazing partner since the A. But the movies and the betrayal hit me really hard a month ago and I haven’t been able to cope. I guess I feel like I need to improve my self-respect. I keep wonder what my friends would say if they knew etc. so I know i do suffer from some low self-esteem.

Anyway, she’s been texting and begging me to come back. I don’t think I can. It’s unfortunate. I’ll miss her. But in the end, I need to make new memories and not have this dark cloud over me. I’m 33, good looking and interesting and it’s my time to do what I want. She’s devastated and I feel bad. I love the new her but can’t live with the memories of the old her.

I’m so sorry. I wish you only the best.

Life doesn't stop for anyone and it's very short. Infidelity like you've seen never goes away. Some can live with it some can't.

This is your decision to make. Just like she made the decision to cheat after only one year?

I give you credit for taking this hard step, but feeling it's what you need to do, despite all the work you've done, all the changes both of you have made. Sometimes we simply are unwilling to listen to our inner voice when it tells us something we don't want to hear. I wish you well and know life has many amazing things in store for you, metoohurt. All the best to you!

Do what's best for you.

Starting a new thread, and not remembering the

details of your story. You have had a good marriage

these last eight years. Have you done IC?

Of course you should do as you feel but IMHO making decisions on external factors is a recipe for unhappiness. YMMV

I may be way off here but here goes.

Did you both rug sweep after what happened?

If you built things up again and things have been good and she has never cheated since and you have been happy up until the mind movies etc started up again, isn't it worth looking into why you feel this way before totally ending it? maybe some IC?

Has something triggered you off into this?

Or is it that the relationship has just run it's course and you want out for other reasons but the A seems to be the biggest?

Also I get it about the friends but at the end of the day how do we know they are not living similar lives to us? We don't. I don't think bs always have low self esteem staying with a ws if you do then you work on it.

This is just my opinion and every situation is different but I would rather stay in a good rebuilt relationship where ws has not repeated the cheating and deal with the issue that has come up than throw it away and start again with someone new and possibly go through it all again. For me I think there is less chance of ws cheating again than going into a new relationship and not being cheated on. And besides that I love ws and don't want to be with anyone else.

But if you really want a new relationship and this one is not what you want then you are doing the right thing by leaving and not starting something up while keeping your foot in the door.

We buried the A and I just let the pictures in my mind overwhelm me. They were together for a week.

I had a triggering moment after she heard from a friend that turned a blind eye to the A.

So i rehashed it all and wanted to know exact dates and times of sex.

She said once and ran with that story. As we all know, its never once.

I begged and pleaded with her to tell me the truth over the past couple of weeks. I knew something was off with her story. She finally broke down and told me that they slept together during the day. She would later come home that day and yell at me for doing something wrong. I remember that day so well. She didn't want to confess to that. That she went out had sex with someone else and comes to me and yelled at me.

I know why she didn't tell me the truth. She was afraid i'd leave. (i guess i proved her right) She keeps telling me to think of the 8 years we've had since the A. And they were wonderful. She is a changed person, but scared i'll leave. I'm built up a lot of confidence in 8 years and I've grown a lot. She doesn't want to lose me and I understand. But she saw me agonizing over this issue and wasn't willing to help me.

I know she loves me and I know i love her. She's traveled in the meantime, i've traveled. And I know we've been faithful to each other. I know that is a fact. That person that cheated is long gone. Maybe i was unreasonable to push her for more details after 8 years.

No I don't think it was unreasonable to ask for more details.

One of the toughest things I've dealt with is pin pointing certain days and things that were said and done by my cheater but he his doing the work now so I keep trying to move forward, some days it's two steps back but we work on it.

Sounds like you have a good connection with her and trust as much as it can be after something like this. From the outside it sounds like you can work through this and keep it together.

Maybe explain how this friend has triggered you off and that you don't want her having contact with them because of her blind eye to what was going on. I wouldn't think that was unreasonable to ask for if your ws wants you.

Also sounds like you need to go over the A in more detail and she needs to be aware this might happen for some time to come. Over and over. If she wants you she'll be in. You need to tell her what you want if you decide to stay.

Friend.

You make your own choices and you are entirely justified in deciding to leave.

But while you are away I hope you can find a good IC that deals specifically with infidelity and do some real work with them.

Even if you decide never to return to her, if you don’t work through this pain it will haunt you for a long time and maybe even follow you into future relationships.

Maybe, if you are feeling generous, you can suggest that she do the same, to help her figure out why she was able to cheat so easily on someone she loved.

Maybe suggest that each of you go separately to 3-5 IC sessions with different IC’s before even getting together and talking again.

While only you know you, and you can tell me I’m crazy, I think that just going cold turkey on the end of the Relationship with her, without really working thru it with your own therapist, will never either end it in your mind or find you a safe path back to her. It will only keep you in limbo.

Whatever you do, I wish you well.

Thank you for your input.

We did initially work on us after the A. I was cold to her and stopped sleeping with her, touching her etc. I had my own issues to deal with and she felt completely neglected. Months would go by and i wouldn't look at her or compliment her.

This dude she meets pursues her and she liked it. She did it primarily to hurt me and satisfy her urges. After i found out, she dropped him cold turkey. Begged and pleaded with me to take her back and i reluctantly did because i did recognize problems in myself.

I know that she loves me and she loved me before, probably more than I loved her. Especially communication and touching each other.

At one point a couple of years after A. I stopped having sex with her. Months again would go by, i think almost as a punishment to her.

I would occasionally masturbate but she stayed celibate, at one point for two years. We would cuddle and i would hold her, but no sex.

She didn't cheat throughout the past 8 years. Not even close. She said she'd rather stay celibate for the rest of her life and be with me than cheat again (i believe her)

Recently we started having sex again, after talking about the A more. Going back really helped us reconnect and realize that we've had a good life, but we had a couple of aspects missing.

Hearing her break down and tell me about how she feels extremely unattractive because i don't pursue her and sleep with her etc really got to me. I did that to her. She has needs. She wants to feel sexy and desired. She compliments me all the time.

We did go see a counselor early on. They sort of sided with her and questioned my behavior. They didn't approve of the A, but said i was hurting her with neglect.

But I do need to work on myself and some of these deep unresolved issues. After rehashing some of the Affair details, i lost it and left. Staying at a buddy's place that's deployed. She's been calling me and texting me nonstop hoping she can drop in.

My story is very similar to yours

My ex had a short intense 3 week affair that I discovered. She woke up quick when I came down hard on her. I left for a time where she didn’t know where I was or if I was ever coming back. When I did I got all the details which for me were awful. Every bone in my body was screaming GTFO, but I went against it. I stayed for 5 years

During this time she basically did everything right. I got to do anything I wanted. I bought every toy a grown man could get. She didn’t make a peep.

Our sex life went from being fun and loving to just having sex. I could never get back into the candles and things we once both know loved. I could never get rid of the mind movies of her having anal among other things. This from a women that was PTA president and one of the most popular of our group. So out of character.

We kept it a secret and basically rug swept after a year of me being a total prick to her. It would occasionally come up when friends would tell me how lucky I was to have her. Not a good car ride home after those comments.

After 5 years I just felt flat. I was never going to see her the same way again. Even worse I couldn’t live with myself for still treating her like a second class citizen. Wasn’t fair to her as she did everything she could without changing the past which is what I needed

So we first separated, got back, but then I pulled the plug. Hardest thing I ever did. She cried, pleaded, confessed to everyone but those thoughts of her with someone else never went away. I also in a sick way needed justice. That is my character flaw

I can’t say the divorce was the best way to go. It was just something I needed to do. She is now depressed, gained a lot of weight, and kind of a recluse. I am better, but still not right and probably never will be.

My recommendation is if you can work it out, do it. If you can’t, it’s not your fault. There are some things a spouse should never have to go through. The WS brought it on themselves.

Just know in your situation as mine it won’t be easy

She did not tell you the truth until recently. An “amazing wife” does not keep secrets like that for years and years.

What Stevesn said.

We did go see a counselor early on.

This was the wrong thing to do. After the affair you both should have seen your own individual counselors. You were no where near ready for MC.

It’s never too late. I reiterate. You both should get yourselves into IC.

Don’t know if you youll ever be together again, but if there’s a chance you will you really need to do that work. If you don’t end up together, you still do for yourselves and whomever you each give your hearts to.

{thx uxor}

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:49 PM, February 26th (Monday)]

The affects of the affair don’t disappear after you split up. You have still been betrayed and will take that into a new relationship. Difference is that in a new relationship sharing these issues isn’t as easy. I don’t think people should stay married no matter what, but I absolutely do feel that the biggest reason for divorce is because people stop being committed. When did you stop? It sounds like you guys worked through a lot and were happy. I understand that trickle truth is hard, but it sounds like you guys rug swept.

I’m not suggesting that you stay, but before you leave ask yourself what you are looking to find? How will it benefit you? Don’t fool yourself because leaving doesn’t equal never thinking of the affair again. If your answers are shallow then probably you haven’t thought this all through. Just process that for a bit.

If after 8 years this was still bothering you then you're doing the right thing. Life is too short to be unhappy that long.

As badly as I wanted my wife back years ago when she first left, I've come to realize over time that it would have never worked out. What she did would have tortured me if we had stayed together. She leaving for good was actually better for me in the long run.

After years of burying it, to find out she had sex with him twice has been pretty bad. She keeps reminding me of the 8 years we’ve had and they have been nice, but the fact that she basically got swept away like that in a week scares me and angers me. She completely abandoned me and didn’t properly work on herself after.

I just found out about the second time they had Sex on Sunday after pushing and prodding for 2 weeks for the truth. I didn’t even remember what she told me after the affair except I knew she slept with him once.

Now I don’t know what to believe. I also don’t want to be in a relationship where I have unbridled power. I could cheat on her tomorrow and she’ll forgive. For 8 years it’s been a decent relationship because we rugswept and moved on.

But I think everyone is right. I am traumatized by it. I keep thinking back about the day I found out, how I found out. I don’t think I’ll bet over the why? And how could you?

She’s a decent person now and I feel bad hurting this person by thinking about her 8 years ago, but there’s a switch that has been flicked.

I keep feeling emasculated by it. She begged me to come back, I kicked her out, but I still feel less of a man now.

Take today to find yourself a good IC to work with.

Friend, Whether you end up together or not is not what I’m thinking about. What is on my mind is that you need professional assistance to work through these issues. You alone, not together, in therapy.

I think you will find your way to happiness one way or another if you start the process in IC.

Make some calls today and schedule an appointment. We don’t want to see you here a year or even a month from now in the same place.

Tell your WW you need time to work on this alone and maybe that will stop her from constantly contacting you. Suggest she get into IC and do the same.

Then leave it at that and get to work with an IC.

Take care of yourself.