SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I recently confronted my WS about her affair. It went pretty much as I have read in the healing library - she will not admit what she has done, she got angry, she deflected issues onto me. Not sure what the next step should be to get past the lies?

Do you have proof of her affair? If so present to her some of that proof. Not all of it but some of it so she knows that you are saying is based in fact.

If her other man is married inform his wife without warning.

It's a good first step. Never help hide their affair

I do have proof but I don't feel ready to share it because I know she will feel that I have broken her privacy getting it.

I had proof and decided to try to nice her into a confession. I started with phone records and was stonewalled. Nothing worked until I presented what I had as far as messages back and forth that she could not deny.

I knew in December, she finally admitted it in February.

She cheated on you which is way worse than looking in her email or phone in my opinion.

I do have proof but I don't feel ready to share it because I know she will feel that I have broken her privacy getting it.

Never give up your sources because it only enables a wayward to figure out how they got caught and to learn to hide things better going forward. An "I know you aren't being faithful. I'll give you one chance to come totally clean" is all you need to say. Besides, it avoids the possibility for her to try and shift the blame on to you for "invading her privacy" (BTW, this is such a manipulative/controlling move by someone who is actively emotionally abusing you by having an affair and trying to get away with it).

It sounds like you did a variation of that and she chose to lie instead. That tells you a lot -- that she thinks that she can get away with it and/or that you won't do anything. Show her that she is wrong. Expose the affair to the other betrayed partner and go get legal advice are your first steps.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 9:13 AM, March 19th (Monday)]

I do have proof but I don't feel ready to share it because I know she will feel that I have broken her privacy getting it.

Do you allow her privacy to cheat on you?

What's more important her privacy or the marriage.

Sorry man but if you don't stand up and take care of business you've already lost.

There is no such thing as privacy to cheat in a marriage.

Trying to nice her back and/or doing the pick me dance will just put you in worse shape.

Weakness is an unnattractive trait you'd better get strong and take control of your life. You can't make her do anything but living in infidelity will be your fate if you don't act. Talk is useles in these situations

Better wake up

[This message edited by Marz at 9:11 AM, March 19th (Monday)]

Not sure what the next step should be to get past the lies?

The steps to getting past the lies are the same steps to get yourself out of infidelity. You can't control whether she will begin to tell the truth. You can control getting yourself out of infidelity. Getting yourself out of infidelity is your priority right now. It remains to be seen if she will be with your or not. The step you take may cause her to wake up to the realization that you are prepared to get out of infidelity w/o her.

You've gotten great advice so far.

1. Don't reveal your sources.

2. Your initial confrontation will drive the adultery deeper underground.

3. Expose the adultery, especially to her adultery partner's spouse/SO.

4. Protect your health. You must get tested for STI/STD. Don't have unprotected sex with her.

5. Take care of your physical and mental well being.

6. Consult with an attorney to begin to understand what a D would look like financially.

Keeping posting. You'll receive great support here.

I didn't ask. I knew. I told him he had 30 minutes to create a convincing plan on how he was going to set the marriage right or get out. (I also emailed her that I knew and exactly what I thought of her intrusion into our marriage).

I didn't have to give up my sources. I just flatly and factually told him "I Know"

Most of these guys have more experience than I but I would be direct. Tell her I know you cheated. If you know who then I will say, "You are cheating with Asswipe". But here is another way you can do it. Have her served divorce papers. I bet she will talk then.

If you know then that is enough. You don't need to meet some burden of proof to get out of infidelity. This isn't a court of law and you don't have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt to get her to stop the Affair. You just tell her "I know what's going on. I'm moving on out of Infidelity. Is that going to include you or not?" And then you do it. You contact the Affair Partner's spouse/partner if there is one. You talk to a lawyer and start the Divorce process. You start the 180 (See The Healing Library link at the top left). She can jump on board if she wants, start being honest, go No Contact with the Affair, start showing remorse, etc. and if you want to you can stop the divorce and offer to try to reconcile or she can continue to deny and you can get divorced.

The point is to take charge. You don't need her permission to get out of Infidelity. You don't need to have her say "You caught me" to insist she stop. You just start moving on from living in this state and she jumps on board or not. You have the power to take control of your own life here.

The first time I caught my husband cheating, I did everything wrong. I told him what evidence I had, how I got it, and also, I told him I was going to be telling OBS everything. This allowed him to go on a deleting spree, find alternate methods to communicate with the other woman, take the A underground, and concoct a story for the OBS that I was nuts. Also, she intercepted my attempts to contact the OBS. They went underground for the next 4.5 years. Also, it never occurred to me that there could be multiple OW, which I found out on Dday 2. Don't reveal your sources, or lie about them. Don't assume it's just the one, because it could be worse than you think.

It is called gaslighting, manipulating etc. the very best way to respond is with silence and strong eye contact. She has already gotten very good at lying so don’t engage in conversations about her cheating. Just be quiet. She will ether decide to lie again, get angry again, leave or tell the truth. If she continues the lying or the anger then you leave. She is not worth heartache.

Thanks for the initial advice. I did say that "I know the truth and but I cannot tell you why".

During the confrontation she said things like "if that's what you believe then we might as well give up". I'm not giving up as I can see the fog.

I'm not sure of the best way to go about contacting the OG's other half - any advice?

[This message edited by FourPlusOne at 10:16 AM, March 19th (Monday)]

What makes you so certain she‘s having an affair?

We have had posters that claim their spouse is having an affair and the “proof” is as slight as that they changed their hairstyle or perfume.

You are rather vague in what you have, but is it a smoking gun or a little, mini-sized red flag? Is it directly sexual posts or vague texts?

I have a smoking gun.

During the confrontation she said things like "if that's what you believe then we might as well give up". I'm not giving up as I can see the fog.

This is classic wayward.......putting it back on you. BUT, you can see the fog, but you can’t save her from it.

See an attorney and find out what your rights are.

You need to be able to show you are prepared to leave the marriage in order to save it.

She is hoping that you will back off and rugsweep this. And the next one too.

Contact the OBS without telling her you are. The OBS might be in the same place as you are, and if you put all of your info together, it can push this out of the dark and into the light.

I do have proof but I don't feel ready to share it because I know she will feel that I have broken her privacy getting it.

You do realize how insane this sounds....right?

You don't get privacy when you are Married. Privacy should consist of closing the bathroom door to poop, that's it. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing, and the other side of that coin is, if you are hiding something then you are breaking your vows.

If you have the "smoking gun" then you currently hold the power. You said you weren't willing to end it if she is foggy, but brother, here is some hard truth. She has already ended your relationship as it stood prior to the A. It's time for you to stand up demand the respect you deserve, and make her feel some consequences of her actions. If she is unwilling to stop, and recommit then you really do have the answer, and you will be able to head into your own healing.

Please read the healing library upper left side of the screen.

Please see a lawyer to find out your rights, and her obligations.

Please do not allow her much time to delete her evidence without securing your proof someplace that safe and inaccessible to her. You tipped your hand by confronting without proof, I guarantee you she is figuring out ways to take it deeper, and sneakier than before. It's just what cheaters do.

Your WW is in denial mode. She will deny or minimize everything she can.

She will probably claim you violated her privacy, but if so, that is only because she has things to hide.

I agree with the others, do NOT reveal your source, as that will allow her to explain away any of your evidence, no matter how damning. It will be "we only sent pics" or "we only did it once".

Do you know the OM? If you know his name at least, Facebook is a good place to start to find his wife's information. Do not tell your WW you are contacting them.

From what you've written so far, it sound to me like you are trying to R. That is fine, but you have to understand that you aren't there yet. Your WW is still in denial, she is not remorseful and she is not at all interested in R. For R to work, you have to have a partner. YOU cannot fix this by yourself.

If you haven't talked to an attorney yet, you should, just so you know the facts. It will help you.

I would also suggest you start the 180 for yourself. Let your WW you know about the A and until she is willing to commit to the M, you are not going to allow yourself to live in infidelity so file for D and have her served. This might help her wake up.

Understand what “proof” is and what “proof” you need for a marriage.

This isn’t a court of law. You don’t need to prove for 12 jurors using due process beyond reasonable doubt. Don’t need DNA. Don’t need to preserve the chain of possession. Don’t need swearing in.

All you need is that YOU are convinced.

It’s not “Hey babe. Is there a reasonable explanation for this post to Mr. John Doe arranging a joint hotel room at the Venus Motel, this $$$ charge from same motel, this $$$ charge from Victoria’s Secret the day before and the scratch marks on your back the day after? Oh… the cat did it… OK. What’s for dinner then?”

It’s more “I KNOW you are having an affair. I refuse to share you. You can carry on with OM or you can commit to the marriage but I refuse to remain in infidelity”