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I am just over 6 months from DD. My husband and I are on the path of R.....some days are good and some days are not so good for me. He has told me several times he wants me, he loves me, he deeply regrets his choices. I am just having a REALLY difficult time with comparing myself to the other woman. I know....I know....I shouldn't...but I just can't help it. I know very often affairs are far from real and should never be compared to real life relationships. Our marriage is not a fantasy....it is full of life's real moments. Good and bad.

Here is the thing.....She is married herself.....now, I am not even 100% sure her husband is fully aware of the level of the affair. We have 2 young children (ages 10 and 6) and they have no children. Even though my husband and I choose not to tell our children the reason why daddy had to move out for a few months, it affected them tremendously. I was the one that sat up with them for hours while they cried....it was very very difficult. He is back home and I am trying so hard to focus on the positive and where we are now. I just can't wrap my head around a woman taking part in hurting another woman and family this way. She didn't owe me anything, I get that.....my husband is the one that betrayed me and broke our marriage vows. However, what about owing herself and her husband more? How about human compassion (especially when there are children involved)....what about core morals and values? If I have ZERO respect for this woman....and obviously she would never be someone I would "admire" or strive to be......why can't I stop comparing myself to her? Obsessing over who she is..... how she is different then me? How we are similar? This is seriously affecting my healing process!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to stop these obsessive thoughts?

[This message edited by Mari104 at 11:45 AM, April 27th (Friday)]

Sorry, i cant. I go through the same thing but more so from the view point that i believe my ww compares him to me. Ws eat forbidden fruit and bring the poison into the marriage then expect things to be allright. Even though we are trying r i personally have now considered d. It just seems easier to bevrid of her and the garbage she brought into the marriage.

I really wish people would have told me, when they knew about my wife's A or affairs.

I do hope you let the OBS know about the A.

Please.

and do not compare yourself to the AP.

They always affair down.

[This message edited by harrybrown at 1:15 PM, April 27th (Friday)]

They always affair down

They have to A down. Who else would allow themselves to fuck another person's spouse? Who else will be happy in "2nd" place all the time? My H's AP had the balls to tell him after he dumped her that she "was getting tired of being second behind your wife",,,pfffft, Are you F*ing kidding me????? The other thing that REALLY pissed me off is the fact that his AP broke "girl code". YOU. DON'T. SLEEP. WITH. ANOTHER. WOMANS. HUSBAND!

Don't compare yourself because it will only piss you off. I did that in the beginning and could never figure out what he saw other than the ego kibbles. She was much larger than me, (I am a very small person) wasn't that cute, looks like she smells like moth balls, has fucked up looking eyes and wears the ugliest shoes I have ever seen.

It's hard not to do I know, but it will only make you crazy.

[This message edited by Evertrying at 2:36 PM, April 27th (Friday)]

Don't compare yourself because it will only piss you off. I did that in the beginning and could never figure out what he saw other than the ego kibbles. She was much larger than me, (I am a very small person) wasn't that cute, looks like she smells like moth balls, has fucked up looking eyes and wears the ugliest shoes I have ever seen.

Ouch!

My wife's ex-gf, her AP, is much smaller than me, and had recently taken off some extra pounds. She is petite! She has long hair she maintains close to her original color/covers the gray. She is younger than I am by four years. She is healthier, although she has health issues too . . . but she can still take long walks along the waterfront, and walks "briskly" I am told. (I can not, for many health reasons.) She can still belt back a couple of mixed drinks and seems to have no restrictions on her diet. She probably is not considered ugly, but I have never understood why she seemed to always have so many people interested in her. But on paper, she is a much better potential partner for enjoyment of life than I am.

And I have neurological issues that prevent me from wearing pretty shoes. And don't get me started on the diet restrictions I have.

For some of, NOT us comparing ourselves to the OW/AP is a real challenge, especially in the case where the OW is the spouse's prior partner! They are matched in size, physical ability, and I have seen photos of them in their 20's: they were a cute couple. I would never trade places with this OW who abandoned pets, went bankrupt twice, lost her house for back taxes and was a weak and ineffective mother, had no backbone or character, and who liked to "play games" as opposed to engage in mature relationships. But my wife had her fling with her ex during a summer where I could barely leave the house, maybe once a week, and could not handle the heat and humidity to enjoy outdoor activities. And I know that the OW asked about my health (we knew of each other) and probably even felt somewhat sorry for me.

Not obsessing about the AP is not that easy for some of us. I would be curious to know of any other BSs had illness or other physical reasons that they could not "compete" for the kind of attention that their WS got from a healthier AP.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with these comparison issues, Mari. In the early days, that is quite normal.

For me, the mind wandering over to the comparisons stopped when I realized that the AP is just a piece of garbage that my wife picked up off the bathroom floor. He is a lowlife womanizer that she turned to for ego kibbles and attention. She never cared what he drove, how he looked, how much money he made, nothing. All she cared about was getting her attention. He could have been a talking pile of fecal matter (which he is, by the way) and as long as he whispered sweet nothings, she ate it up.

It may seem trite, but don't spend one more worry on the AP. They are nothing but garbage in our lives and its time to take out the trash.

My OW looks like she could possibly be my mother in a different life.

She is a 15 years older, fatter, less attractive version of me.

I am still trying to figure out if that makes me feel better or worse about the situation.

The way I try to look at it- she was anyone but me. My WH wanted and needed a fantasy- an escape from the reality of his life. I was the only person in the world who couldn't give that to him. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else.

Time is the only thing that helps. I'm 1.5 years out and I don't obsess about her like I used to. I do wish her sheer misery on a daily basis however.

I’m struggling with this as well... I’m 10 years younger than WH, and I thought that I look good, especially for having two children. I know that I dress more conservatively (still stylish) than when WH first met me, but that’s just my preference. I used to think I had great sense of humor, I know how to let go and have fun when I’m in the mood, and I’m open in the bedroom. AP is a few years older than WH, and dresses very provocatively as she’s a bartender. She’s also a mother of two. However, she shaves her eyebrows and draws them on quite badly, dyes her hair to the point of no return, is covered in tattoos, and is a drug addict.

My comparison comes mostly from the emotional side, but physical as well. I’m a very logical person (working on my masters degree in biology), and I’m introverted. She’s my polar opposite. They would do drugs, party, have anal sex (the one thing I don’t do because I don’t enjoy it), and were planning on leaving their children to run away together to another state. I look in the mirror and think, “You’re a boring, damaged, mother of two small children with nothing special to set you apart from the crowd”.

I’m not sure how to keep the thoughts away, I just try to make time for myself when and where I can. I try to be a little selfish sometimes because I deserve it. Get a babysitter and take yourself out, do your hair/nails/whatever, get a massage, etc. OR even just take a long shower/bath, eat that slice of pie, use a face mask at home, go to the gym. Do what feels good to you and helps your self esteem.

Not obsessing about the AP is not that easy for some of us. I would be curious to know of any other BSs had illness or other physical reasons that they could not "compete" for the kind of attention that their WS got from a healthier AP.

I used to be quite fit, and then pregnancy caused me to develop several chronic conditions for which there is no cure. I have a lot of fatigue and dizziness and can only do about half of what I used to do, and that's with careful planning.

The OW runs marathons. In fact, on DDay WH complained that I didn't walk to the shops with him like I used to, and made sure to point out that it wasn't all about sex and he just wanted to someone to do things with. They went for a jog together during their brief time together.

But you know what? This never bothered me. It's not a competition. Yes, I've had to mourn what my life used to be and adjust to what it is now. But I saw clearly that my inability to do those things wasn't my fault, and it was my husband's selfishness and immaturity that made him lash out at me when he should have empathized with me and supported me.

I was 15 or 20 pounds heavier then, so OW was definitely in better shape than I was. And she's never had kids so I'm sure she didn't have a pruny stomach like I do. But I just knew deep down in my bones that what makes me an attractive person is my heart, my mind, and my self-love. I told WH that I could always find someone else, so he should just be with OW because they seemed to deserve each other and I wasn't sure he could deserve me again. He was still in the fog then and I think he was expecting me to do the pick me dance, poor thing. I said, "I don't get it. Why would a single woman who could date anyone she wants WANT to have a secret long-distance relationship with you?" And he sputtered out, "Well . . . she has really low self-esteem." And I said, "Well, that's too bad. It's not that hard!"

Perhaps it's a bit of karmic justice that now I really am fabulously thin and OW has put on some pounds, but I can't wish her ill. I hope she figures out a healthier and smarter way to build the life she wants.

If my partner were ill, I would adjust my life to support him. I know it wouldn't be easy, but I'd figure it out. That's what we do for the ones we love. The fact that my husband blamed me for the change in our lives rather than loving me through a rough time is to his eternal shame. I could stay because he has made it his priority to support me.

If I have ZERO respect for this woman....and obviously she would never be someone I would "admire" or strive to be......why can't I stop comparing myself to her? Obsessing over who she is..... how she is different then me? How we are similar? This is seriously affecting my healing process!

Focus on the first part of your sentence. You have zero respect for her because she's the type of person who decides that making herself happy is worth hurting innocents. You have zero respect for her because she thinks the rules don't apply to her, and she's the special exception who gets to lie and cheat. There's no comparison. Of course, all the same applies to your husband too. There's a great disparity in worthiness in your marriage right now. He can remake himself into someone who is worthy of you and your respect. If he thinks there's any competition between you and the OW, then he's blind.

I could go out and find someone willing to sleep with me tonight if I wanted. That's not hard. And it should never be in question. It should never be a surprise to you that another person could find you attractive. Of course they would . . . everyone is attractive to someone!

People have affairs because they need external validation for what should come from within. Don't let their flaws rub off on you.

That is an easy trap to fall in to. I fell in to it myself. I obsessed about her. Everything about her. And I’d had pictures of it all. For a long time. I would slump my shoulders. Cry when I took a shower because of my not enough body. I’d look in the mirror and say “no wonder”. I’ve been fortunate that others have found me attractive. Even called me beautiful. And I felt lower than dirt.

Then...one day...I’d realized I’d reclaimed myself. It was gradual. But oh when it happened fully it was liberating. I walked with shoulders squared, head held high and into a room like I owned it. I showered and used every product I had. I looked in the mirror and told myself “you are awesome”.

Around the time that happened, I stopped thinking of her as a competition. I stopped thinking WH preferred her and started realizing what an idiot he was to cheat on me. Chaos. A unicorn goddess of a woman.

It wasn’t easy. It took a long time and a lot of work. But I own myself again. That’s all it took. When I started to reclaim ME, I stopped obsessing about her.

Honestly, I would not waste my time over AP. WHY? Because anyone that would cheat with some one obviously has no moral code or ethics. And no amount on physical beauty can cover up the inner UGLINESS!!! In my case, she was ugly in and out so you ask why did he cheat? Because of selfishness and getting his ego (among other things) stroked.

While it is easier said than done, you should not compare yourself to the AP at all.

Why?

You can't compare yourself to the AP because of the following:

1) The only thing they offered your spouse that you didn't is bad morals and lack of integrity.

2) Even prior to the affair, the AP was not in my personal life. I said "hello" on the street. But he was/is not the type of person I would ever want to be friends with.

These two facts really resonated with me. Broken people attract broken people. What was originally a self esteem issue (me comparing) is now just me being totally grossed out to see what an unattractive, lump of a coward he really is. He will go to his grave knowing he willingly and deliberately hurt five children with his choices.

I get to hold my head high as I walk past him knowing this!

If you are broken emotionally, emotionally stunted, morally bankrupt or lack integrity. Then by ALL means, please, please, please compare yourself to the AP. Otherwise, there is no comparison.

It wasn't the AP themselves, hot or not, it was what feeling they got from the AP.

AP looks like a hairy, overweight, truck driver who has been on the road for a week with no shower.....and it's a woman. Ughhh. It's hideous.

There is no comparison. I am better in so many ways. I am just flabbergasted that WH would even talk with it about sex. Ughhh. Makes me shudder.

Most of my WH's prostitute visits were with women half my age who have bodies that I am unable to attain in my 40s. Now don't get me wrong, some of them are before and after meth picture level ick. That doesn't take away the damage done by your husband sleeping with women in their 20s.

Neither did my RA. Not that I'm proud of this because I'm truly not, but my RA was with a hockey player who was more attractive than my WH, had a better body, larger penis, and was more skillful in bed. I have not told him any of these things because my goal really wasn't revenge so much as it was the result of a psychological break on DDay. The only unhealthy snark I have about this in my head is that I didn't have to pay for it.

Given all that, the man I wanted was my WH, not the RA guy who meant nothing at all. I don't wish he were like the guy I had the RA with. I wished that my WH was the guy I'd fallen in love with whom I didn't think could do this to me. Even knowing I could also pull hotter men than my husband didn't take away the self-esteem hit that I took due to his infidelities.

I expect that all of you could pull a hotter sex partner than your spouse. That they went and did so is a shame on them, not because there's anything wrong with you. We all have hundreds/thousands of other people we could have sex or relationships with. When we chose our spouses, we chose them in particular, not the most perfect specimen we could get hold of. We chose them with their flaws and all. It is easy to find some pitiful soul to cheat with. Any of us could and some of us did. It says nothing about the one who was cheated on aside from that they married a person with low moral character.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 11:15 AM, April 28th (Saturday)]

Thank you to everyone for your input.

harrybrown I came to find out this past weekend that the other BS does know about the extent of the affair. I was relieved to hear this because I was having a very difficult time with this. He certainly deserves to know! My husband told me that he even tried calling him....but he never responded.

Focus on the first part of your sentence. You have zero respect for her because she's the type of person who decides that making herself happy is worth hurting innocents. You have zero respect for her because she thinks the rules don't apply to her, and she's the special exception who gets to lie and cheat. There's no comparison.

I never had an issue with a physical comparison. The OW is "average".....nothing special really. I almost feel like if she was very good looking, it would make things easier to process. I would be able to say "ok, she is very pretty, so looks was the reason". However, that is not the case. Regardless, I am beginning to come to a place where I know there really is no comparison between myself and the OW.....for so many reasons. My husband himself says all the time that I have given him every reason to go out and find another man that deserves me....that did not break me, did not betray me. It is taking him time to come to understand why I have still not done that and to believe I won't. However, I have more self worth. I have a higher level of moral character. I do love him, with all my heart. I would never purposely hurt someone else so badly for my own personal gain. I respect myself too much for that. I deserve more than that. All of us BS should give ourselves a pat on the back. Even when we have been broken into a million pieces and betrayed by the one person who was suppose to be our "safe haven", we have chosen to remain true to ourselves. Not allow their actions to define us. It is a very difficult thing to do when you are so heartbroken.

This past weekend, my husband said something to me that really hit home and changed my view on things. He said "I have never been more in love with you then now". I asked him why? We have been together for 20 years, married for almost 13....why now? His response "because actions speak louder than words". Even after all he has done. Even after he destroyed me emotionally, my actions have proven my love for him. I didn't seek revenge. I remained strong for our children. I supported him throughout this process the best I could, many times putting my feelings aside. I would like to think I have exemplified the true meaning of "for better or for worse". I can walk with my head held high knowing this......and that is something the OW will never be able to do.

My fWW had said many times that see didn't deserve me.

Eventually I had to agree with her.

No matter what happens in our situation, I will always compare myself to the 4 OW. Yes, 4, 1 PA and 3 EA's. That hurt just to type it. The PA was in 2003 and was with a woman 30 years old and he told me beautiful (jus this year in the wake of finding out about the last 2 EA's that she had "smokers teeth", not real sure what that means because I don't smoke). She looked so good and was so sure of herself she answered the door when he came to her house dressed only in bra and panties. He was 42 and I had just turned 39. The second AP was an EA in 2004, don't know much about her except that she was young. EA in 2014-2015 was with a woman that was 32, he was 54/55 and I have met her, she is petite and beautiful and has amazing hair, the most recent was and EA in 2017 that lasted 6 months and she was 43, he was 56. I have seen a pic of her, she is pretty but plain, she is petite and she is a professional. My WH has ALWAYS AFFAIRRED UP!!! They have ALL been much younger than me, much prettier than I am and seem to all have something close and in common with my husband. I am about to be 54, I am a grandmother, so I can't compete with any of them.

I have been through the comparison more than needed myself so I understand.

The AP in my case is also married and I never dreamed any Mom would start flirting with a married man at the first meet. She might have something I don't have (youth, sexy figure, dirty bed lies - she claimed 10 orgasms in the one-hour sex with WS, what a cheap lie but WS totally believed and felt unprecedented satisfactory!)

But those are not the most important things in life. I have morals. I never want to hurt anyone. So I am way much better. So are you.

Initially, I did compare myself to OW quite a lot. She was 10 years younger than me and thinner too. Not that I'm terribly overweight, it was just a physical difference I noticed and thought maybe that's why he did it. I'm pretty adventurous in the bedroom, so I thought WOW, she must be a total freak! Maybe I'm not "freaky" enough. I compared my career to hers. But that's really about all. The one thing I've been able to hold on to and even improve since Dday is my self esteem. Everything else about this shit show sucks, but amazingly, I came out of it with the highest self esteem I've ever had. I got there by comparing myself to her in OTHER, more important ways. I even wrote out a list of all the ways I'm a kick-ass person compared to her. It went a little something like this:

I am a fun person. I love to have a good time, love to go places, do things. I have friends. She had no friends and her idea of fun was nights at home in her old lady robe doing Suduko puzzles. I love all kinds of people and am always interested in learning about them. I love adventure and will take a late night road trip anywhere/anytime. She was afraid of anyone different than her and was afraid to drive at night, was literally afraid of everything. I'm creative and have many interests and hobbies. Her only hobby was the Suduko puzzles and she had virtually no outside interests. I love sports and can hang with the guys any day of the week. She thought sports were stupid and had no interest in learning about any of them. I speak two foreign languages and have traveled many places - I'm cultured, dammit . She'd been to Texas. I know a lot about all kinds of music, listen to it all the time, and love to check out live bands. She didn't care much for music and said seeing bands was "too loud", waaaaaahhhhh. My home is always warm, cozy and welcoming. Hers was stark like an operating room because she was a germaphobe and was a fanatic about everything. I love all kinds of animals and we have dogs and a cat. She thought animals were nasty and would never have allowed one in her house. That would have been a deal breaker for my WH. I care about social issues and advocate for many different ones. She couldn't have cared less and never knew what was going on in the world - basically lived under a rock. I'm just a happy go lucky person and she was cold, bossy and bitchy. I am a kind and compassionate person who would never dream of intentionally hurting anyone. She was cheated on by her exH with someone he claimed was "just a friend" (like my WH said about her) - she knew how devastating it was and how much it hurt. Yet she chose to do the same thing to another human being - someone she knew, knowing that her married AP had a child that would be hurt too. And that made her nothing but a piece of trash.

Basically, we are total opposites. I'll never understand what he saw in her that kept him involved for 7 years. She was no match for me. I'm the SPECIAL one and WH is damn lucky I was nice enough to give him the gift of reconciliation and the opportunity to make amends. I deserve the best this life has to offer me because I AM AWESOME.

And so are YOU Mari104. Don't ever forget that!

There is no comparison. I felt the same way. I was disgusted. OW gave herself away for his crumbs and vice versa. She had no expectations like you. No standards. No decency. You will never be her and be able to get in her mi d. Over time it does get better as you heal. Stop pain shopping I’d you do that. It only makes it worse. The more time that went by the more I realized she did not matter at all. There was nothing special about her other than her low standards. Hugs to you. At 6 months out I felt tortured by her existence. Now, I feel not much at all. She gets smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror.

She had ZERO respect for herself.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 10:01 PM, May 1st (Tuesday)]