SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My BH discovered my A almost a year ago. Since then, he has had a one night stand and an EA. He is now entering into a LTPEA. He has assured me, it’s not for revenge and he’s not going to leave me/kids for another woman. He has tried to reassure me that all these experiences are, to “regain “ his manhood, let go of resentments and start to rebuild our marriage.

I’m struggling emotionally between, it's fine, let him do whatever he needs to so we can move forward and, I can’t bare this. BTW, I know how hypocritical this is since I was the one who originally had the affair.

Has anyone experienced this? Did it help or hinder the recovery process? How did you process all the thoughts, pain, and guilt? How did you get through the times your BS was out with their AP?

Thank you so much!

Please, helpful responses only.

I’m sure you’ve heard two wrongs don’t make a right? Just because you cheated doesn’t give him license to do so. IMO, a real man doesn’t need to go out and fuck some side piece to regain his manhood. FWIW, I feel that I lost much of my manhood because I cheated. Being a man comes from within; a real man has inegrity and values and wouldn’t consider breaking his vows just because you broke yours. If he felt that strongly about it, he would divorce you first.

IMO, you have every right not to accept this behavior. All this is going to do is create a bigger chasm between the two of you.

ETA - Given the number of dalliances he has had this far, are you certain that this isn’t his first rodeo?

[This message edited by ff4152 at 5:02 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]

Hey there.

I have limited experience in affairs. I’ve onky ever known mine and the stories Ive read here but my spidey senses tell me this is not helping to add more gasoline to the fire.

Have you gone onto the mad hatters section? You may find some answers there. Ugh. I forget what forum it’s in tho.

Good luck! <3

It’s a RA. It’s not regaining his mandhood. It’s an excuse to do what his doing. Justifying his actions. There is never a good reason to cheat. Can’t move on with your M when someone is going out there way to cheat and continue to do this.

My H never cheated after learning about my A. He didn’t need to regain his manhood. He kept his manhood choosing not too cheat. It’s just an excuse to cheat and making it sound like it’s no big deal because “you did it first” which is 3 grade talk. This all just adds fuel to the fire and now it’s a bigger mess then before. You don’t need or accept the behavior. It’s just like if you tell him you cheated bc you treated me bad and I needed to regain my womanhood. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Certainly don’t even the score just makes a big hole to try to dig out of.

Thank you all for your responses. I’m struggling with accepting this because of the deep pain and fracture I’ve caused to our marriage. Yet, I’m also struggling accepting his desire to regain his manhood by having an affair. And, there’s no guarantee that we will make it in R anyway. Ugh. I hate that I was so reckless and now here we are.

No. I realize I'm not a man but.. My ex boyfriend cheated on me so much and I kept taking him back, and eventually when a man I had a crush on showed me attention I went ahead and cheated on my boyfriend with him. EA turned into PA while we were together and then it continued after my ex and I broke up.. but I used the fact that HE cheated as an excuse why it was OK that I cheat too. It wasn't okay and I see that now. Unless you've both agreed on an open relationship, it's an A the same as your A was.

[This message edited by antelope at 5:39 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]

to “regain “ his manhood, let go of resentments and start to rebuild our marriage.

BS. Those are justification. Regaining manhood. I am a male and though I am not betrayed I find that BS to just do what he wants to do and that is build up his ego in an unhealthy way. There are no reasons to cheat. Period. If those justifications are ok excuses then so were your original ones.

If I don’t accept his “need” for an affair,’then I’m selfish and we for sure aren’t going to make it. I’m so lost and alone. Anyone else hate their life and poor decisions?

The only way this bucket of guilt holds water is if you both believe the common narrative between the two of you. Don't know the rest of the story. Just what is posted on this thread. What you are saying and not saying. What your reaction is to the other responders and their conversational messages. Has me wondering what was going on in the sex life and relationship before, during, and after the affair.

There is and unhealthy feedback loop going on here. At the very least, on face value, it sounds like he currently feels sexually inadequate when it comes to the sexual relationship between you two.

Someone always looses in the comparison game. People seem to be naturally wired to compare.

Don't know what he knows or doesn't know. Still...

What are the issues?

Are you two able to communicate about this?

Are there ways the sex life between the two of you can be improved?

He can have sex with a thousand woman and be their best evers, however, it won't fix a single thing between the two of you if you two can't work out the intimacy problems between the two of you. Him having sex with others, usually causes more problems, challenges, and intimacy issues.

You have to correctly identifying a problem before you can fix it. Are you two in agreement on what the issues, challenges, problems are? Are there healthier less destructive ways that are acceptable for both of you two to improve, repair, fix, grow, nurture the relationship between the two of you? Do you believe your husband has a reason that you consider to be legitimate for it to be acceptable for him to be seeking out sexual satisfaction and/or validation with other woman? Your passive response and acceptance of this situation might be interpreted that there isn't a way for him to win back his man card with you. Is it a case were you had your best sex ever with your affair partner? Sex between you and your husband doesn't even come close, so you are giving him a pity pass?

There are all sorts of ways to interpret your passive response and acceptance of this situation as a validation that his sense of sexual insecurity inadequacy are legitimate fears.

I was in your shoes. Short story; It was two weeks after my dday that I discovered inappropriate messages on his phone. Then a few months later different OW. Then a few months after that.. a girlfriend. I divorced him after that. It was just over a year from my dday that I finally said enough.

So, no it didn't help at all. And in any case most likely wont.

At first I felt extremely hypocritical. But our original goal was to R, and there was no room for anyone else in our relationship with that goal in mind.

If you don't want to accept this, you DON'T have to. You are well within your right to tell him dump em or you'll leave him. You say there's no guarantee anyway, so you really have nothing to lose by doing this. Besides, there is a saying around here that you have to be willing to lose the M to save it.

And this doesn't make you selfish.

Revenge Affair is such a bullshit term. Especially in situations like this. When does it stop being revenge?

We had a really good marriage prior to my A and have always had an active and healthy sex life. I was personally in a very dark place when I had my A. I know how betrayed he feels and how much pain I’ve caused him. It’s just really hard for me to disconnect from my own feelings about him being with another woman. I feel like ao hypocritical because it’s exactly what I did. He would never purse another woman if I hadn’t driven him to the brink of insanity.

As a BS, he may have been driven to the brink of insanity. But just as there are no justifications for you cheating, neither are there for him to cheat. Cheating is always wrong, and 2 wrongs never make a right.

He’s doing nothing more than justifying his decision to become a cheater himself.

I never understood the argument that a man thinks he can regain his self-worth as a man by fucking somebody. I know it’s currently en vogue PUA/red pill/MGTOW dogma to tie one’s manhood exclusively to his sex life, but I find it odd. To me (and every single woman I know), being a “real man” has nothing to do with how much sex you have or with whom.

It’s just really hard for me to disconnect from my own feelings about him being with another woman. I feel like ao hypocritical because it’s exactly what I did.

I really get it, this was me for some time. It was agony.

So then do I have this right? You are willing to let it continue, you are just here looking for ways to cope with it? If that's the case I have no more advice to give. Just one question.

How would you feel if a child of yours was in your shoes? What would you say to them? Sit with your answer.

I’ve seen this scenario play out several ways. If it’s just one RA the betrayed feels vindicated enough to stop. R may or may not happen at this point. If they keep going to regain their “manhood” it often doesn’t stop until there is a divorce. I mean think about it he gets to date openly while being married. That’s gotta be fun right? No secrets. No hiding. Just a one sided open marriage.

So I’m going with the consensus here. He’s using your A to justify doing whatever he wants to do,

I'm not condoning revenge affairs, but I do think it's necessary to recognize BS's as being in survival mode. In battles to survive, moral compasses aren't necessarily the first considerations, when a person seeks to preserve what's left of themselves and to rebuild what was once there. Surviving is more associated with desperation than righteousness.

Much like a person in a physical fight or when being attacked, rules of survival are, 'there are none'. BS are injured and injured people are often handicapped or weakened when fighting, so to win or at least survive, they revert to survival tactics, which is basically anything that gives that person a chance to win, or at least not lose.

We often discuss the "fog" that encompasses a wayward spouse. During that time, it is generally accepted the WS is acting in a delirious and harmful way, placing themselves and loved ones at emotional and physical risk. The "Fog" application is neatly wrapped up as behaviors that accompany a person who has chosen to injure others. Unfortunately, the BS has no such term that explains away post DD behavior, despite being impacted by a multitude of physiological conditions, all caused by the BS's fog.

[This message edited by Jorge at 10:09 PM, June 1st (Friday)]

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:32 AM, June 2nd (Saturday)]

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. I suppose we both have a lot to work out in IC and in MC.

What a wayward must do is own the affair. Then must do a lion’s share of the work to make it safe.

Many waywards early on will offer a “free pass” to the betrayed thinking that if the Betrayed has an RA that it levels the playing field.

Some betrayeds do this without the offer of the free pass thinking it will restore something that has been lost.

It sounds counter intuitive but the WS doesn’t get to be a door mat. In the first few months I was subject to many invectives by my wife. I counted those as her being in the processing phase. One night she thought she was giving me a “Gibbs slap” (from NCIS) and she hit me in the face.

I told her (I was scared) that was unacceptable that I didn’t deserve to be hit. She apologized and it’s not happened again.

What I am saying is that you deserve a healthy working relationship. This means that tinged EA or PA by the betrayed is not a healthy way of dealing with infidelity.

Recovery from adultery is a hard and murky path. You as a WS take a lot of shit for what you have done. But there is a line that can’t be crossed. I suggest that his affairs have crossed that line. And instead of dealing whit his issues he is making the excuse that regaining his manhood makes it ok to betray you.

This is not the case.

The point we want to get to is establishing healthy, safe, relationships that include openness and honesty on both sides along with strong boundaries for both spouses.