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I used to be the calmest guy anybody ever met. Growing up I was the one who would stop my siblings from arguing and keep things calm in our home. I maintained this easygoing temperament in adulthood. But I lost it after she fucked him.

I feel like I’m another person sometimes. The rage consumes me. I don’t dump it onto my wife any longer like I used to in the months after I found out she cheated. And I don’t drink to drown the anger anymore. I feel like I don’t have an outlet for it.

I used to almost never use profanity. Now it’s a regular part of my vocabulary. If somebody cuts me off on the road I start seething inside. When I’m at the gym and some asshole leaves the equipment sweaty instead of wiping it off I can feel the anger boiling. When I hear stupid shit on the news or the radio it pisses me off. When customers at work are annoying I have to literally grit my teeth not to cuss them the fuck out.

I don’t let this anger out. But I feel it all the time. And sometimes I still dream about the dude she had sex with. About fucking him up one more time, but worse because I would be sober and would have an opportunity for the full extent of my fury to be unleashed. I picture blood spurting out of his mouth as I pummel him and it exhilarates me.

My therapist says the anger is normal and it will decrease. But it doesn’t seem to be decreasing to me. I feel like it’s increasing. This shit can’t be normal.

My wife is doing everything right. But I am still so angry about how she messed up my life. A lot of things in our marriage are better now. We have a new little one on the way. We communicate openly. We operate more as a team. And the sex we have is fucking amazing. I love her. But I feel like I am going to snap sometimes. Like someone will rub me the wrong way and I will lose it. I don’t like feeling so out of control and I don’t know what to do. Is this normal? It can’t be. What the fuck is wrong with me and why can’t I get past this phase instead of feeling like a person with roid rage all the time? I don’t like who I have become - this angry person. I want the real me back.

[This message edited by ManishsDad at 11:48 AM, August 16th (Thursday)]

I had to feel all of it. The more I tried to ignore it, the worse it got.

And yeah, drowning it with alcohol doesn't work either. I did try a few times.

Dday was right in the middle of a planned move -- and I recall starting to pack up our storage room and found a picture of her and AP. In our case, AP was a family friend (our kids played together, wives were supposedly pals, etc.). So, it wasn't anything raunchy. In fact OBS took the photo of wife and AP arm in arm.

My normal old self was gone.

I did several thousand dollars of damage to the storage room (some nice book cases, high end storage containers, built in shelves, etc.). But it felt great.

I have found a boxing speed bag -- helps a lot. I have driven to the nearby mountains, got out of my Jeep and yelled at the Universe until my voice was gone.

Infidelity is an injustice that cannot be balanced. Life is inherently unfair, and yet, I still needed to vent anyway.

Feel it. Release it, hopefully on inanimate, insurable objects.

If all else fails, some therapy can help too (yeah, I was voted least likely to ever see a therapist by everyone who knows me).

Just don't ignore it.

I will say, most of my anger has subsided in year three. And some of the old me has returned. However, I no longer have patience for a lot of things I used to. I'm okay with that part. I hit my life limit for bullshit. It is totally okay to call it as you see it. And anger/rage is a perfectly normal response.

MD,

I used to say my anger for OW kept me warm at night. And it was true for a few years but now 6 years out I’m mostly meh. So I think it will dissipate. It might take longer because you suffered a double betrayal. You trusted him. He was your child’s godfather. So your anger is justified.

Now, I will also say this. I have changed since dday. I’ve spent my life handling crises and traumas like a fucking champ MD. Everyone was always so impressed at how I could turn off my pain to deal with the situation. I thought I was the bomb at this shit. Now, the crisis of dday demolished those coping mechanisms. All of that pain hits me now. I feel it. And it is agonizing. Because you see - I wasn’t the fucking champ MD. It wasn’t the healthy way to deal with traumas. It allowed me to look like i had it all under control. But really, I was pushing the pain down. When dday happened it simply exploded that little box open.

So maybe you prided yourself on being peacekeeper the way I prided myself on being the bounce back kid with no obstacle keeping me down. Maybe anger has scared you in your young life and you saw anger as negative. And now there’s more than you can suppress.

Focus on this in therapy - healthy ways of expressing anger and even productive ways that will bring about positive results. Don’t pine for the old way of handling conflict, it probably didn’t serve you well.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:18 PM, August 16th (Thursday)]

Early on I had issues with this too.

Road rage and the gym were 2 things that really torqued me up. There was a guy at the gym that I envisioned clobbering because the pig wouldn't clean up after himself... left the benches sweaty and such. I never "got even" with him. But I did realize that the issue was the affair....it was just coming out in excess anger at those situations.

Here is what helped me:

1) I dove into the working out. Gym every morning, I joined a running club, and I started biking long distances 50-75 miles.

2) I pounded the hell out of a heavy bag at the gym. Buy boxing gloves and use the wrist wraps. Initially I didn't, I just went bare knuckles the first couple of times... I think my knuckles on my right hand took a little too much abuse. I'm gonna pay for that later in life. I bought the gloves...it's worth the money.

3) I stopped listening to the radio and started listening to Amazon prime music...specifically the comedy stations... That helped me in traffic.

4) When I would get angry at the gym or in traffic I reminded myself that it was my wife I was angry at and that I shouldn't take it out on this a-hole.

Maybe some of that can help you too.... Best wishes, and keep talking to your therapist about it.

It may be that your anger is masking another emotion that you learned to discount. If that's so, anger is probably hiding grief, fear, or shame.

I recommend looking inside to see if there's something underneath the anger.

If not, another way to express anger is to write it out - by hand with pen or pencil, on paper. Not typing on a computer or phone.

If not, another way to express anger is to write it out - by hand with pen or pencil, on paper. Not typing on a computer or phone.

Actually, looking back -- venting here at SI was also very helpful. I think because I saw other people who felt the same way, or at least a bit similar.

I had a few pretty good vents too.

Saying what it is -- out loud or otherwise -- that bothers me, did tend to get me to process some of it.

I think in your life there are so many issues surrounding your wife’s infidelity. She was attacked by her boss. Next thing she is having extremely unusual sex with this man you have NEVER liked. You always knew he was sniffing around your wife. I am not a therapist. After being attacked I do wonder if she had it in her mind almost that since she was attacked was she bad? Could she not seeing coming? (In her mind—survivor guilt—and when she was approached by OM it literally became a self fulfilling prophecy. I deserve to be treated this way sexually; I did nothing to stop xyz from happening?

I totally could be way off base. Even when she told you what happened it was as though she was discussing a tv show. Like reading a passage in a book. As though....she was just repeating actions she truly didn’t want again.

Is there a part of you that feels you didn’t protect her? I know you are a great man who has loved and loves his wife so deeply. There is so much hurt here. For you and for her.

I don’t doubt for one minute her love for you and you for her. The love you both have for your family and your precious new baby. So wonderful to have new life.

Yes you have rage!!!! You have been hurt greatly. None of this is your fault. None of it.

I know you are a Christian. It am two years out. I KNOW I cannot live in the darkness of rage. When I get upset. I say. I am not angry. I am sad. I am hurt. I list the ways my marriage and my life are different now for the better. It’s absolutely beautiful and I have earned this life. I deserve it.

Your marriage is beautiful. You absolutely deserve to live in peace in your marriage. Your marriage isn’t the one you had before.

Your rage stems from injustice. A huge injustice was done to you. Your wife knows this. She knows this

You truly have done your best, don’t allow your joy to be stolen. Recognize your emotions. Yes you have the right to be angry; this anger is sadness. You are allowed to be sad.

OMG! I have not been on this site for awhile and got on to post to look for answers on how I deal with this pent up anger and your post was the first thing that popped up!

How do I deal with anger now! I look back now from the three years since I found out and the puzzle pieces come together. I feel like I am bitter now. My WH has done nothing to encourage this feeling. After DD he ahs been on the straight and narrow ( I still check his phone now and then). I call it my personal prison. I feel like I should talk to him about this; but I feel like I am being the Debbie Downer and I should just get over it! I just want to be totally happy again and not feel like I have this nagging dark cloud that follows me.

I have done IC twice over the last 3 years. Very few people know about the affair and it is not really a subject you want to bring up.

I feel short tempered with him and just don't respect him like I use to. He is the only man I have ever been with and the purity of our marriage is broken now. Some things just cant be repaired.

Me: BS 56 at the time

WH: 57 at the time

DD: 3/13/2015

Married for 32 years

Children: grown and out of the house

Found explicit pictures on his phone of a 24 year old girl who was a dancer at a topless sports bar. PE for 5 months till I caught him. EA/PE for 8 months. lap dances etc

Personally, my anger was a secondary emotion to hurt and disappointment. When I realized that it made it easier to deal with.

I think in your case it would be fruitful if you discussed this with your WW. Part of what makes anger worse is keeping it pent up. I do think she is truly remorseful and will try to help you heal if you let her.

I also agree with others who suggest the anger may be a proxy for trauma and pain.

You can't take the anger out on your wife or the AP so smaller irritations are being magnified and your anger has a place to go. I agree that it's other emotions like hurt and when they come out, the anger will not be so powerful or frequent.

You are still that great guy. I would work on the anger because your baby needs a happy dad. Babies and young kids can read these hot emotions very well. They tend to withdraw.

You have all given me a lot to think about and good suggestions.thanks for sharing feedback. Some of the things that have been mentioned are thoughts I hadn’t considered. It sure as hell feels like anger, but if some other emotion is the true source of the anger I wouldn’t even know how to isolate the culprit. In the beginning I felt disbelief. Shock. Hurt. Sadness. Resentment. Betrayal. Now it’s just anger. Maybe the other emotions are still lurking beneath the surface and I am unaware, but the anger is unmistakable.

I have to admit that it makes me feel very selfish to be on here complaining about being angry about the past when other people who post on here have major crises. Their spouses are still having affairs or are telling lies to cover their tracks. They have a serious need for help and support. I’m 100% certain my wife isn’t cheating. But I still feel affected by what she did to us.

I’m willing to talk with my wife about the anger. But I don’t know what I need from her or from myself to work through what I am feeling (control the feelings of rage). I also don’t want her to think ithe problem something she is doing now. I don’t want her to worry but that probably can’t be avoided.

I know you requested your wife stop posting here. Though I am sure posting here helped her a whole bunch.

Have you considered revisiting that? If there are things she is struggling to do to help you through this? Perhaps some wisdom could be given her way.

I think posting here was helpful for her. But I am concerned about the anonymity. When I read her posts I was shocked at the details she provided. Some of which could have easily revealed our identities. The last thing I want people to know is that my wife cheated on me. I don’t think anyone would have any respect for a man who is still married to such a woman. Who has kids with such a woman.

I don’t know how any of this is supposed to go. My therapist is not infidelity specific; he is just a therapist.

You are not selfish. You are identifying the wrong emotion. You are a hurt man. It’s better in our trained society beliefs to entertain the thought of being a selfish man before being a man who is hurt.

Your honor is everything to you. A man who masked himself as a beloved family friend betrayed you. The truth is he also betrayed your wife. Your wife has a disability. Someone who cloaked himself in family love and friendship hurt your wife and he hurt you. He committed sin against you. He took advantage of your wife after she was attacked. What time of normal and good man does this? It’s disgusting. Do you think he drugged her? I know this is something you brought up in the past.

I want to share this with you. It’s something I wanted to tell your wife. This is something I want you to know...I understand this part of your story. My husband always felt he HAD to be married to me. He felt he was trapped into marriage. Your wife stated things like; i was pregnant, we didn’t have IN LOVE.....gues what?. My husband did and said the same towards me. He was trapped into marriage. Marrying me was an idea and something his wife (me) forced him into. Now I wasn’t pregnant. I was just sooo naive that I believed in true love. So I magically convinced him that we were in love.

So for sooooooo many years my husband, Yes the man I called my husband—he believed he was forced marriage to me. He never wanted me. He didn’t want me as his wife. I absolutely knew this. So what did I do! I double timed it. I would be everything for him. The perfect wife. And then guess what?!!!! He had an affair. His affair was with someone who was less than me in every way. This isn’t said in a oh I am a betrayed wife kind of way. This is said in...I know the facts kind of way. :). She was less than me. And yet my husband convinced himself. This was the love of his life.

Once I discovered the affair. It was like a halo of light came down around my husband. He saw the truth and he saw himself for what he was. Now my husband doesn’t have a disability. Especially one regarding emotions as your wife does.

The two things my husband and your wife have in common. They both opened themselves up to the truth. They both took deep looks at themselves. They both pushed aside all the lies they ALLOWED in their hearts. Both of them sought the truth.

Please do not allow rage to become your “truth”. You are a man of extreme character. Allow your heart to bare witness to the grace and love in front of it.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 12:54 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

You question how people would respect a man who stays with a cheater. That thought has never crossed my mind. I never thought less of a man for staying. And I never considered my value diminished by my wife’s affairs.

As for your wife, if she is who I think she is, she fundamentally transformed while here. She is clearly self-actualized, remorseful, reinventing herself and loves you dearly.

As for you, take out your anger at the gymn. You’ve already fucked up the dirtbag and you’ve nothing left to prove. That anger can be channeled into extra strength and drive until it dissipates. It takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair; you are still early in the process.

I don’t think anyone would have any respect for a man who is still married to such a woman.

First thought is....a good man. A good man would have respect for you.

An honorable man, holding up his end of the vows, offering one last chance to a person who may or may not deserve it. A man strong enough to demand an end to infidelity, to be treated with kindness and respect from here on and able to offer grace where so few seem to offer it. If your wife is doing what it takes to change, to be better, to make a stronger relationship and you accept her effort -- that takes serious guts and determination.

In my half-century plus a few years, I've spent a lot of it around other bad asses on the planet. Six years in the Marine Corps, I coached football for a couple decades, and spent some years interviewing coaches, players and eventually senators and governors. I gained some fairly interesting insight from other men along the way.

We all learn the basics. Do the work, be on time, do on to others, stand up for the less fortunate, etc. We all learn the quickest way to get punched in the mouth (or run off the road or worse) is to claim the man sitting across from you is weak.

The perception by some is that it is weak to stay after betrayal, but I've found it takes lot of mental strength to survive this - whether you D or R.

And then, I suppose if anyone ever asked you could explain some more about personal reasons. Or as my father taught me; ultimately, a man builds and protects his world, and his family, and looks after his own needs and doesn't have a care in the world what anyone else thinks beyond the edge of his own driveway.

Or more succinctly, other than your mindset, who gives a fuck what anyone thinks? If you stay or go, it is YOUR call, your life. No one else gets a vote.

If you think you're somehow less, this is a likely source of your anger.

I was defensive about staying at one point. It just meant I had to really figure out why I would want to be with a person who hurt me worse than I thought possible. Once I figured that out, I don't look back, don't care about any other person's take on MY life.

All you have done is love your wife. Nothing wrong with that, as long as she is once again trying to earn that love, and be someone worthy of your time.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 9:34 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

First, healing requires you to please yourself, irrespective of how you think others may judge you. You need to be the only judge of yourself that counts.

I would go so far as to say that you can't heal unless you get to that place.

Second,

I have to admit that it makes me feel very selfish to be on here complaining about being angry about the past when other people who post on here have major crises.

Bro, no one is forced to respond to a post here. A member posts. Other members do or do not respond based only on their desire to do so.

The only things you owe SI, IMO, are to post honestly, and to adhere to the guidelines, and it looks like you're doing both.

Third, I don't know your W's posts. As long as people don't use their own names and locations and specific jobs, though, I think anonymity is pretty secure. I may be wrong, though - I certainly cut out a lot of detail from my profile when I thought my son would find SI.

Anger is masking something else and always does. So once you can allow the anger to flow, and write about it, write about what makes you angry, you'll get to the part that really hurts, that's making you lash out. For me, I started writing streams of consciousness and eventually got to that place that was the source of the pain. I knew it because as soon as the words hit the proverbial page, I cried instantly. Ah, and that's the part I needed to acknowledge and process.

All of your emotions are understandable. I can tell you that in time you will feel really good about whatever choice you make because you will learn to feel really great about you. You gave your WS grace, you see that she is human and vulnerable. You know that we are all fallible and everyone deserves understanding while nobody deserves to be abused.

We all do things when we flood that make us ashamed but it is what we do with that knowledge that makes us rise above the pain and the trauma. That is exactly what you are doing right now, but reaching out, by questioning, and by acknowledging your feelings. Well done.

(((ManishsDad)))

When does anger go away? It hasn’t left me yet. I get triggered all the time. On Sunday morning I drove by the hotel the WW went to with her loser “friend”. Trauma then anger.