SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After DDay, more than 3 years ago, I went through the process of grieving for a very long time. I cycled through all of the stages numerous times. And for the most part, I think I have finally reached acceptance. There are still times when I feel I haven't completely accepted the A, but I feel like if I'm not there, I'm very, very close.

And now I'm grieving again for a different loss. And it is so completely different this time.

My mother passed away recently. And while I am grieving, it's not a tear-me-apart pain. It's not anywhere close to the agony I have felt while grieving the loss of the marriage I thought we had.

In fact, I'm doing really well. And I think it's in part because of what the A taught me about loss. About grief. This pain, this loss, is not a betrayal. My mother didn't do this TO me. She didn't make the choice to hurt me.

This grief feels natural. It feels like grief should. It's sad and the tears come frequently. Especially when memories remind me of her. But those memories aren't tainted by the thought that she was betraying me while we were making those memories together.

The pain of betrayal, to me, is the most horrific pain I have ever experienced. I would never wish it on anyone.

Is this normal? I feel like I'm not really grieving because it's so much less painful than what I have gone through for the last 3+ years.

I'd like to hear from others who have lost a very close loved one, and how you went through this process.

I lost my Father prior to infidelity... He was a great Dad. When I was growing up, after dinner, before the street lights went on, it was frequently my dad out on the lawn playing pickle with ALL the neighborhood kids. Boys, Girls, it didn't matter to him. He was a fantastic Father.

Loosing him was nothing compared to the pain of infidelity.

I am currently in the process of losing my sister to cancer. I found out she had cancer 1 day before my wife told me she wanted a divorce. 1 day before my world blew up. My sister is loosing her battle, and it's painful to watch.. to know that she knows she is going to die.

But infidelity was worse.

Damn it! I need a beer... This shit is hard!

I lost my stepfather in 2016. He had a two-year battle with brain cancer. When he passed, the grief was much like you're describing. A gentle, almost peaceful grief, if there is such a thing. I was sad, but not anguished.

(He had married my mother when I was 4, and I loved him very much. I did his hospice care, so maybe that contributed to my feelings.)

However, ten years ago, my dad died quite suddenly. It was Easter Sunday, and he wasn't answering the phone. So the sheriff went to his home for a wellness check, and he found him. My dad had slid on ice and died as a result of the injury to his brain.

The grief and pain from my dad's death was pretty close to this.

[This message edited by DesertLily at 5:41 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

Yep. I get it. Lost my mom at age 6 and dad at age 19. But the betrayal was much worse. Probably because the cause of all that pain is still around- living and breathing. It is hard. Very hard.

I agree with all the above. The grief of losing close family and friends doesn't come close to the grief infidelity has caused me.

Pre-A I would have one really big snot-inducing body shaking cry and maybe a few tears here and there. Post-A, I can't even cry. It's like all my tears have dried up permanently.

I'm 5.5 years out and just lost my grandma who was more like a very close friend to me. I have not cried even once...even though I miss her so much....more than almost everyone I've lost before her. And I feel guilty for not crying!!

Yet I cried and cried and cried for 18 months after learning about my WH's A's. It's like my emotions just died around that time. Now I don't cry. I still care very much but I don't cry.

I hate what my WH's shitty choices have done to change my character

I found my father dead after he hadn't been answering his phone all day. I had to wait for the police to break the door down because he locked his dead bolt and I couldn't get in. I thought I was going to die, I blamed myself for not getting there sooner. I couldn't stop crying, replaying that night in my head, wondering what would have happened if I got there sooner, how long he suffered alone before dieing. I really didn't think I could survive. Shortly after I found out my WH had met someone at work and was having an affair. The pain and torture is a million times more hurtful and harder to move on from. I could never have imagined how much pain infidely causes. Not only was I devestated by the affair but the aftermath of it is indescrible. On top of depression, I felt like I was loosing my mind. I really questioned my sanity. I have felt feelings noone should ever know or feel. I knew why I was crying and grieving over my father but I knew he didn't die to hurt me. My WH never stopped to think of the pain he could have avoided causing me when he so selfishly started sleeping with a married coworker. And he was her 3rd office affair in her 3 years of employment.

My father would have never intentionally hurt me, but the man I trusted with my life and my children's lives was the same man who took it all away from us.

Time has healed the pain of loosing my father, I can know remember the good times and smile. Time will never heal my broken heart after my husband's affair. I will never be the same after this.

Thanks for listening!!! I needed to get that out.

My mother passed away recently. And while I am grieving, it's not a tear-me-apart pain. It's not anywhere close to the agony I have felt while grieving the loss of the marriage I thought we had.

carrie, my mom passed away a little over ten years ago. I could go through that pain a thousand times over and it still wouldn't compare. It's different, of course.

I'm sorry for your loss. As my aunt once said, you never really get over the death of a parent, but you get used to their absence.

I can so relate to everything that has been posted here.

The grief of infidelity is far worse than anything I have ever experienced in my life, including the death of very close and immediate members of my family.

To me, infidelity was the death of everything special and unique in our relationship and marriage. It was the death of trust. It was the death of the past. It was the death of beautiful and wonderful moments I believed were special. It was the death of what I believed was real and true.

I struggle every day with grief and intense sadness because of what happened. Some days I really think that I will never be able to move on from what happened and I need to end things and leave. Other days, I think we might be ok. It’s been just over a year. My H is doing everything right, everything possible to help me heal. I can’t seem to get over what happened.

I’ve given up talking to him, we’ve talked it to death and that hasn’t helped me.

I just don’t know what the future will be for us. My self esteem and self confidence has been severely damaged along with trust and ability to truly embrace those happy moments in life.

It’s a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

[This message edited by Loveforlife at 11:21 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

(((Carriemcsky))), I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. And you aren't alone in analyzing the pain of grief this way.

My Dad passed away 3 years ago at 58, after a 7-month battle with cancer. I watched my father waste away to nothing in front of me. It was early, it was fast, and it was terrifying. It took a few months for the flashbacks of his last days to stop, to start to feel alive again. I miscarried twice in the year following. The pain of all the grief, at the time, felt unimaginably large. I also came to a greater sense of purpose and intention, life is precious, time is fleeting.

This pain, the betrayal, the infidelity, it is so, so much harder by comparison. Hands down. I have felt like a horrible person, because this hurt more than my own father, my own babies. But it's so true; the devastating loss of someone loved dearly is somehow more digestible than betrayal, than having to see the face of your lost trust and broken vows. People dodn't choose to hurt us by passing away. Death, even when it arrives early, seems to make more sense to a heart than this.

I heard in two separate podcasts that the therapists had betrayed veterans with awful combat PTSD, betrayed parents whose children have died, they have stated that they would endure the pain of those things again over experiencing another infidelity. This helped me feel less crazy to hear.

[This message edited by Aftershockgoldfish at 12:13 AM, October 4th (Thursday)]

I think about this all the time. My 5 year old has been through 3 open heart surgeries. He was given a poor prognosis when I was still pregnant with him. I was sexually assaulted at 19. - two horrific things... but my husband’s affair was a CHOICE made by someone who was supposed to keep me safe. Nothing could hurt more. I struggle with this daily... almost 2 years out.

Ditto the other posters, my father died 16 years ago but the discovery that my wife had had an A was worse and the grieving process for the M I thought we had was harder.

Like others have expressed, the passing of a parent, while devastating, is a natural part of the cycle of life but an A is not and leaves us with so many complex feelings and frustrations.

Like you, I am over three years out and R and over time in a much better place.

Same here as all of the other posters.

I feel that it is partially due to the fact that we don't believe that it will ever happen to us.

We in our subconscious know that our parent could die, they could get cancer they are not indestructible.

But we never imagine that our spouse will betray us.

I lost my father (who was a huge part of my life) 10 months after dday.

My husband actually blamed me for the affair because he felt neglected when I was with my sick father ...that really burns me.

I still don't feel that I have properly grieved my father because I am still grieving the affair.

I have grieved the loss of uncles, friends, grandparents, and a miscarriage of my first pregnancy and nothing comes close to the grief I felt about infidelity.

I have lost close family members. The pain of infidelity has been much worse. And never seems to go away

My Father passed away 2 years after my FWH's Affair - I didn't grieve half as much for my Father as I did with my marriage. I think the main reason is that I knew my Father was in a better place & his pain/suffering was over. I missed him but I cried and grieved 3 times over what I did for my Father.

Maybe it was because my FWH actively hurt me by breaking our vows & his promises where my Dad just went on his next great adventure - and I know I'll see him again someday. I think the betrayal hurt worse because my FWH was still alive and I saw him everyday, remembered the betrayal every time I saw him in his uniform that it was a constant reminder of what happened - whereas I was not constantly reminded of my Father's death every day.

I think the only thing that would be comparably worse would be losing my kids. Infidelity changed me permanently and killed my M.

The only thing worse than the pain and grief of infidelity *for me* has been receiving the news that our daughter was killed and trying to make it through each day since then without her.

Nothing, not even infidelity, has compared to the pain and grief of losing our child.

When I lost my daughter I could make some sense of it. The answer to “why her?” Was simply “why not?” Bad things unfortunately happen and it was as likely to happen to my family as any other. And it did.

But the A? Well I’m still searching for the answer to “why?” for that. I’m not sure I’ll ever find it. At least not one I can live with.

I desperately hope that, in time, I’ll be able to say the grief is less. I’m not sure I’ll cope otherwise. But the trauma, the long drawn out, repeated trauma. Worse for me. Telling my wife that was when I think it really started to hit home for her what she had done.

My father was diagnosed with ALS in late 1998, and I was devastated. Nearly three years later, and twelve days after my daughter was born, my sister called to tell me that our father had shot himself. I was heartbroken. I cried every day for over a year. Oh, how I missed him so! My dad - well, he wasn't perfect, but I knew that he loved my sister and me. I knew that he'd always have my back - that he was always going to be in our corner. He gave up a career that he loved for us. He bent over backwards to make sure we were loved, cared for, and safe. He was a sure thing, you know?

But the pain of losing him was nothing like that from infidelity. I'd never experienced the kind of agony that seemed to be chosen for me by my own husband - inflicted! - so intentional, so ...callous, you know? I've been on this site for over three years, and I still cannot wrap my mind around how anyone can do this to another person.

Yes, I lost my mother 11 years ago and my father just suffered a stroke and they are no where near the pain of my xWH’s infidelity. My mother actually chose to not seek treatment so in effect she elected to die sooner - but I knew why she was doing it and although it was not the choice I wanted her to make, I respected her free will. And like others say, she wasn’t doing it TO me. The A hurt so much more. Down to the bone.

Deepest condolences on the loss of your mother, Carriemcsky. Moms are special.