SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife of 10 years and mother of our 6 year old daughter was sexting an old boyfriend. I found out about it on Father’s Day. We agreed to do counseling and found out a week ago in counseling that she also slept with one of my employees/friend a year ago in my house. 12 years ago when me and my wife meet she saved me and I gave her my all. Now I feel like she has destroyed me. I want to make things work between us but not sure how to get these images out of my head, forgive her, trust her and be able to move on.

Hold off on forgiving and trusting until you get the entire truth and take some time to process it before you jump back in. You also can’t count out divorce as an option, especially not with a serial cheater.

Sounds like you want to rugsweep. Don't do it. It also sounds like you're chasing after her when she's the one that cheated. Stop that!

She needs to convince you not to divorce her. It's that simple.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Your wife has issues with fidelity, and it will take time and hard work on her part if she is ever to become a safe partner for you. It is said it can take 3-5 years to heal from infidelity, but that depends a great deal in whether the wayward spouse is willing to do the hard work.

Here are some things you have a right to expect of your Ww (wayward wife/cheater):

• She must be willing to break off all contact with the affair partner(s). This does not mean an in-person last good bye, but a written no contact what-so-ever type letter/e-mail that you can read and verify.

• She must be willing to seek individual counseling to dig deep into her reasons for being deceitful and unfaithful. Marriage counseling should be delayed until such time as she begins to become a safe partner for you.

•. You have a right to answers to your questions about the affair. You have a right to a timeline of the affair including when it began and when and where they met, had sex, etc.

•. She should make all electronics and passwords available to you anytime you ask. To do less than this is to remain untrustworthy.

I encourage you to spend some time in the Healing Library to the left. Post, ask questions, and rant all you need to. You will find this to be a rough roller coaster ride, and know you will also encounter the stages of grief over and over through this process. Do not be in a hurry to forgive. Do not be in a hurry to forget. The pain you experience following infidelity has to be experienced in order to be healed from.

I never even realized anything was wrong. I worked hard to build a strong financial situation for my wife and 6 year old daughter. My wife retired about a year ago at age 35. I did everything for them and always made sure they had what they wanted and needed. I am invested in my family’s life and can’t walk away from it. I need to figure out how to deal with the demons in my head with all of this and know that I have done what I can to make it work.

I never even realized anything was wrong. I worked hard to build a strong financial situation for my wife and 6 year old daughter. My wife retired about a year ago at age 35. I did everything for them and always made sure they had what they wanted and needed. I am invested in my family’s life and can’t walk away from it. I need to figure out how to deal with the demons in my head with all of this and know that I have done what I can to make it work.

If she's a serial cheater and it sounds like she maybe but you're staying no matter what then you need to accept your lot in life and the knowledge that you may get repeats.

You can't fix her only she could do that.

Um, she "retires" at age 35 and simultaneously fucks one of your employees? And you are breaking your ass to save this?

You need to find your anger. She seems like a self entitled user. You really want this to continue? Keep going to marriage counseling to let her dump guilt on you.

You want better? Demand serious action, serious remorse and serious confession and serious daily showing you why you should not dump her used ass.

It's not up to you to save this. It's all on her.

If you've already decided that you're going to stay with her no matter what, then you're accepting that she's at liberty to cheat as often as she desires.

You are not the one who has demons to exorcise. You are not the one who needs to put in work. You've already been putting in the work while your wife has been fucking around behind your back and taking your hard work for granted. Another poster said you need to find your anger, and they are completely right. Do not play the "pick me" dance. You will lose. Do not be Mr. Nice Guy. She will walk all over you.

Now is the time to be harsh. To make demands. To put her nose to the grindstone and make her prove she's good enough to keep you as a husband. She is the one who has done wrong here, not you. And yes, you must be willing to divorce if she fails to do that work.

It’s so tough. Just know you’re not alone. We’re all going/have gone through this. Just give yourself time. Read the healing forum. It helps to give you a better idea on infidelity and it’s messed up dynamics. Read about the 180. It all helps. Stay strong.

I have lots of anger and disgust about the whole situation. I am trying to keep my daughter in mind more than anything.

Infidelity is tough, tougher when children are involved. As others have said, you can't fix your wife, only she can do that. If she doesn't, what message are you sending your child? Your child will find out, they always do, and she will also feel your sadness and tension in the marriage.

Take care of you, get IC. Have you gotten STD testing, has she? Get "How to help your spouse heal from your affair", read it and give it to her. That is what she should be doing.

Reconciliation is hard, it takes 2 wanting it badly and willing to do the work. Forgiveness? Sometimes impossible and you certainly will never forget.

Keep this in mind - this was not you fault, she decided to be a cheater and a liar. And that friend she had sex with, he isn't a friend. You both should be NC with him and if he is married tell his wife, she deserves to know, besides , her health could be at risk.

Others have mentioned it and they are right. So take a deep breath...

The fixer in you wants to make this right. You want to fix it because that's what you do. You fix things.

But you can't fix this any more than you could have prevented her from cheating. Your old marriage is OVER.

Reconciliation might be possible, but you MUST NOT make that decision now. Right now she needs to know that she has lost her husband, and it would take a helluva lot of work for her to even get a chance to win you back. If she knows up front that you would never leave her, then you have already lost.

So learn the whole truth. Set boundaries and consequences. Detach and 180. This is a long and difficult journey, but it helps greatly if you formulate a plan. Lean on the many wise SI members who will be offering you guidance, and read up on the healing library and other threads.

All the best.

First of all and beside your point and issue(s), how is that your wife was able to retire at age 35? I'm sure many people in general would love to know how to do that.

Secondly, now you can not trust - which is the common issue here.Whether your priority towards any children dampens the fact that she got nailed so to speak, I understand the dilemma. Opposing issues that tear your heart out, but you must remain objective re: your wife nonetheless. Your story speaks of belligerent disrespect from your wife and that's a serious challenge to simply disavow that indiscretion. I'm sure you're reeling in emotions and that is probably the worst part - not just you, but for many.

Words always mean nothing unless action follows it. Should your wife demonstrate remorse (sincere, not acted), then if you sincerely want to allow amends from your wife(again- sincere), then perhaps there may be some hope. However, if your wife has not totally eliminated any remnants of her indiscretion, then as many suggest there comes a come to expose the affair partner's spouse/partner.And that - if possible assumes you do net tell your wife of such intentions.

I know it sucks as so many have countlessly echoed to many here, but I understand how a 'stranger" suddenly replaces someone whom you loved and thought to reciprocate.

I wish you well and inasmuch as one who is going through trauma does not think clearly, hopefully we will snap you out of that thinking. Again...once you thought a great marriage becomes a relationship with a stranger. Boy- it sucks. You trust people- not just people, but a romantic and married partner. And then they become a recipient from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers (the original is the best BTW). Is there no wonder why many are in such trauma? I could give you plenty reasons why I have to consider all of these subjective factors which pertain to the people in question.

Again- once you're caught in a lie and the person's defense can no longer support a reasonable explanation, you're unfortunately presented with a scenario that toys with your experience- that saying an experience when you thought that everything was ok and you never envisioned that you'd be stuck in this unforeseen, shitty situation. But sadly, the situation is has come about.

And having gone through all of similar scenarios, I did not have children- therefore one less factor to weigh on my decision- not that I had a choice because the fact was there that my partner (we were not married), decided to cavort with another after 7 years. So inasmuch as there was no marriage, it stung just as much as if we had tied the knot.Again- no children, but a devoted relationship up until the indiscretion.

Bottom line? She disrespected your marriage by allowing a third party into your home. It's one thing to discover your partner cavorted with another "outside" of the domain, but when you hear that it happened in your own home, suddenly it gets more "personal".

Nonetheless, if you are assured that your wife accepts responsibility AND shows remorse as well as a commitment to equal your desire to make "things work", then perhaps there is a chance. Anyone who gets nailed cheating and still has a commitment from the partner, then unless you don't want to reconcile, you should consider yourself blessed that you even have a chance at such. And if you do not recognize that opportunity, then be mature and walk away- as you should have done in the beginning if things were so bad- and not affected a supposed loved one with damage that was so hurtful to a person you supposedly cared about.

SO JFO, you have to decide whether it will be better to rid yourself of someone who was so selfish and the possibilities of custody. I know all of this stuff you never imagined...neither did most here. If you can afford a decent lawyer, please consult such. I was almost ashamed when I hired a lawyer (divorce) and he did not respond.

So the best to all of you.Life sucks a good amount of the time, but that doesn't mean one has to subscribe to "norms" to know right and wrong. Fortunately, I was raised in love as well as reinforcing me that everyone is equal.

this is so sad I just found out about mine 34years of marriage she threw everything away for this

My experience is that the cheater that suffers no consequences will continue to cheat. My H’s first 4 year EA was rug swept. He admitted nothing.

Then he decudexti have another A five years ago. This one he wanted a D. After false reconciliation I decided at DDay2 we were finished. I told him to leave.

He decided that he really wanted the M. But after facing the consequences of his choices he had to work extremely to recover from the damage and make amends.

Your Wife has shown you more than once that her choices are that fidelity doesn’t matter and her desires are more important than your marriage.

I suggest counseling for you. It can help you navigate the infidelity roller coaster.

I just want to add: you can provide a great, healthy, and loving environment for your daughter without your WW.

I know you don't want to lose your marriage or your family unit. But the tough thing is that has already happened. Maybe it can be put back together, but there's a good chance it won't.

I ended up divorcing after my exWW's affair blew up our marriage (and R wasn't on the table). We are about three years out, and my son, myself, and even my exWWW, are doing fine. It's not what I imagined for myself and my family, but life has gone on and it hasn't been a disaster.

But I also won't sugar coat things... the first year post-A was pretty awful emotionally. Beyond the betrayal, you also have to work to adapt to the new reality of things.

You've go our support.

Before you even decide to forgive her and move on, you have to know what you are forgiving her for.

Have her write you out a timeline of her affairs. Insist she take a polygraph test to determine if she has any other skeletons rattling around in that closet of hers.

You don't owe or need to move on and forgive until everything is known. And if your cheating wife started cheating when she retired then she needs to get back into the workforce so she doesn't have time to cheat. Also, if she wants to cheat then tell her she can but she needs to move her sorry a$$ in with the other man or men, and out of your house. As someone else noted, she's a serial cheater. They usually don't stop cheating and they usually don't tell you everything. There may be many more men that she's been with while married to you. Take care of yourself.

How many times on this forum do I have to ask this question? Why in the world would an adult, who is supposed to have some common sense, sext to anyone. It is now out there in the ether. All her boyfriend has to do is send it to one person, or have his phone stolen, or his computer stolen. That’s all it takes and then your wife is all over the porno sites. It boggles my mind that grown-ups act like this.

I don’t have any suggestions other than to protect yourself financially.

I just want to say I’m sorry you’re going through this. I found out about my husband on Mother’s Day! Slap in the face. I think individual counseling and separation was best for my situation.