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I need to let it all out, wife is cheating she don't know I know

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 Sparko81 (original poster new member #69012) posted at 9:01 PM on Monday, December 3rd, 2018

Hi all,

I've been married for 9 years to my wife, I'm male 37 and she's 34, together for 12 years, have two daughters together 7 and 9. We have our own house and mortgage.

I'm not sure where to start this, so I'll go from the very beginning.

About 10 years ago I started noticing I wasn't getting fully hard down below, perhaps 75-90% fully hard usually? Sometimes completely unable to get an erection, or I'd go soft during sex. Since my early 30's I've only wanted sex usually once every few days on average, rarely every day.

My wife has always had a very high libido, its really crazy. Before we tied the knot I was scepticle about marriage as almost every settled or married man you talk to says how they rarely ever get any sex from their wives after a few years or so of being married. But my wife has rarely ever not wanted it daily other than issues due to pregnancies, sometimes we'd make love the night before and many times she's wanted it again the next morning before going to work.

After our 7y/o was born she started going to the gym again. Then 1-2 years later I noticed her start "checking out" other men when she thought I wasn't looking.

About four years ago she went away to another city for a friends birthday party where they all stayed overnight at an hotel (or so she said). The following evening when we started having sex I could tell by the expressions on her face and body reactions that I was hurting her but I was only going slow and gentle, I didn't click at the time so I stopped and we went to sleep. Looking back I think she probably had sex with another guy.

Then over three years ago she changed her gym routine from Mondays Thursdays 1 to 1.5 hours per day, to Mondays Wednesdays Fridays for 1.5 to 2 sometimes 3 hours per day. Now, cutting a long story as short as possible, I discovered she's been going back to this guys apartment who lives a 5-10 minute walk from the gym. When I first seen her doing this I just didn't know how to feel or what to do, I was devistated and things, my nerves were shot, I was jealous, everything.

She's since been out on at least four dates with him I'm certain of on Friday/Saturday evenings. Late one evening when she arrived home I noticed she wasn't wearing her pantyhose/tights under her dress, this was on a cold evening and she was wearing heels with the ankle straps so its not like she would've taken them off quickly somewhere.

Two months ago I think she may have tried to stop seeing him. She came home excited about these new expensive louboutins heels she said she treated herself with. She handles all of our finances, I've since checked all of our bank accounts and I can't find any transactions across any of them for the heels and we don't carry much cash. So he must've bought them for her.

Now this is the thing. She doesn't appear to be emotionally indifferent when we're together, I mean she doesn't seem any different with me - the love, passion, kissing its all still there all normal (well, usually).

Its been at least three years now with no signs at all of her being bored or distracted about anything. But I feel I'm now kind of over her cheating on me, I'm just scared she might leave me one day for him. I love her more than anything my family is everything to me I don't want to lose her. It hurts a LOT that she's seeing him but half of me stupidly thinks just let her have her fun its "only sex"? hopefully she doesn't truely love him.

I can't tell any friends or work colleages about this as they'd just tell me to leave her or if I don't leave her then they'd lose their respect for me for allowing her to carry on. I just need someone to talk to, so this forum seems a good way for me to let it all out.

Thanks for your time.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018
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stayedforthekids ( member #45706) posted at 9:33 PM on Monday, December 3rd, 2018

So are you okay with her cheating or not? You would be okay with it if you felt she would not leave you for the other dude? I’m confused on where you stand.

Have you had your testosterone levels checked? You may want to have a complete hormone panel done.

Madhatter

posts: 1364   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2014   ·   location: TX
id 8293263
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Rulk ( member #43969) posted at 9:45 PM on Monday, December 3rd, 2018

I'm gonna guess you don't like confrontation. What happens when she comes home with an STD or pregnant and tells you your the father? Are you just going to play along so you don't rock the boat? How can you be over her cheating when you never addressed the issue with her?

I suggest you read "no more mr nice guy" by Robert Glover.

posts: 255   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2014
id 8293266
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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 9:50 PM on Monday, December 3rd, 2018

Do you have no concerns about STD's. About her ease at being deceptive and a manipulator. How valued is trust and honesty to you?

If you let it go, it will not stop when this A gets stale and stops. She will move on to the next. Is that what you want. It will be one after the other. You are rugsweeping, head in the sand hoping to not ever face the music. But, you will some day. You cannot avoid it. Do you want that day to be on your terms or hers.

It is dangerous territory to play the, let her have her fun and it will all be ok game.

posts: 1757   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
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 Sparko81 (original poster new member #69012) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, December 3rd, 2018

So are you okay with her cheating or not? You would be okay with it if you felt she would not leave you for the other dude? I’m confused on where you stand.

I'm not really sure. Half of me hates it but then the other half of me doesn't mind she's cheating - as long as she don't leave me for him, I kind of feel safe as he doesn't seem to be giving off any signals that she's unhappy being with me.

Have you had your testosterone levels checked? You may want to have a complete hormone panel done.

No, I've always thought my hormones were fine but now you've mentioned that I'll have a look into it.

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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 9:56 PM on Monday, December 3rd, 2018

I kind of feel safe as he doesn't seem to be giving off any signals that she's unhappy being with me.

But you are ok with her having no respect for you? Safety comes inherently tied to trust and honesty. You feel safe with a dishonest, cheater as a partner?

posts: 1757   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
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beenthereinco ( member #56409) posted at 10:05 PM on Monday, December 3rd, 2018

Half of me hates it but then the other half of me doesn't mind she's cheating - as long as she don't leave me for him

Hi Spark,

I'm not sure you'll get the kind of support here that you are looking for given this attitude. Most of the advice here is of the "here's how to get out of infidelity" variety and not the "here's how to live with infidelity" variety. If you are okay with living this way I think I would at least get STD tested and start to wear a condom when having sex with her. You should protect your health.

Speaking of your health I would also advise you to go see a doctor for your ED issues if you haven't already. An otherwise healthy 27 year old man should not start experiencing ED without there being some sort of underlying medical problem. You really should get to the bottom of that to make sure that it is not a symptom of a bigger issue regardless of whether you stay in this situation with your WW.

Also along the line of health I think you should talk to someone about this entire situation like a counselor. I have a hard time understanding how this is okay with you and I'm worried that it will manifest itself in other ways in your physical and mental health as this goes on. Perhaps you really don't mind but then something led you here to post so there is at least some doubt in your mind about living with this isn't there?

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
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 Sparko81 (original poster new member #69012) posted at 10:16 PM on Monday, December 3rd, 2018

I'm gonna guess you don't like confrontation

That is me all over, usually I just flumex a lot in all heated arguments with anyone.

What happens when she comes home with an STD or pregnant and tells you your the father?

Hopefully she won't but if she does then shit will proper hit the fan, that's the final line to cross for me, a DNA test would 100% be done and if its not mine then I'll leave her.

About her ease at being deceptive and a manipulator. How valued is trust and honesty to you?

It does greatly concern me but t the end of the day, there isn't much a problem from her being like it?

Do you want that day to be on your terms or hers.

She's the one who's cheating so then that day would have to be on my terms if she wants to be with me. The act of her having sex with someone else doesn't overly bother me anymore I'm kind of used to it by now.

@beenthereinco

Agree with everything you say there. I did actually get tested earlier this year - all clear.

A few years ago I tried viagra, I didn't tell her. When we were having sex she said "is there something different, you seem harder?" Though sometimes albeit rarely I do get fully hard at times, its just weird.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 10:57 PM on Monday, December 3rd, 2018

I read your story.

What do you want? Just for us to read it? You seem to be fine with her cheating. So then why are you here?

posts: 2855   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
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skerzoid ( member #55962) posted at 11:03 PM on Monday, December 3rd, 2018

Just tell her you know and that you're all right with it. Also that since it is an open marriage, that you also will be dating.

Hey maybe you can even double! I mean, she should be alright with that, no?

Maybe you can even buddy up with her partner and give each other sex tips and such.

It sounds like you could use some ideas on how to keep her satisfied, right? He's probably had three years of pounding her good, so I'm sure he knows what she likes.

posts: 230   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2016   ·   location: Midwestern USA
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 12:53 AM on Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

I suggest IC and also see your doctor about erectile dysfunction.

posts: 2599   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
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pearlamici ( member #67631) posted at 1:04 AM on Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

[She handles all of our finances] If she can cheat on you sexually, I wouldn't trust her financially. If this wasn't agreed upon, she thinks she's doing it behind your back, you're being disrespected.

~Bad marriages don’t cause affairs. Affairs cause bad marriages.~

posts: 457   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2018   ·   location: NY
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cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 3:47 AM on Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

Im really surprised you got over this so well????

This experience mostly leaves us, super vigilant on spying, stressing, jealousy, worry....suspecting...that sort of thing. Having to know all the details.......DO you think she will start it up again?

Its one of the things that really upset me...that my spouse and an entire relationship, inside my marriage...the euphoric beginning, the newness...getting to know each other so well...then even an end....all while married... DO you think it changed her feelings about you? I was never able to not mention it...it had to come out..

WHy does she deserve to keep it secret? why don't you want it out? This is usually a huge event...can you live like this? My point is, this will affect you greatly....and you don't have to carry this Affair alone...she did it...it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels... its not healthy to keep a secret like this...certainly, not healthy for you....and your emotions...and its not healthy for her to get away with it...its a pretend marriage.

For whatever reason, your hiding and denying almost as much as her...

IMHO...why would she be indifferent...some are very happy having it all.. have the cake and eating it to....sharing the finances while playing...No rules no boundaries..no explanations.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:55 PM, December 3rd (Monday)]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4775   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
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Unbroken78 ( member #68860) posted at 6:04 AM on Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

Not really sure what you are looking for?

You seem like you are ok with her having sex with other men... Are you ok with that? Are you pretending to be ok with it because of your ED?

If you feel inadequate, there are ways to fix it.

Go to the Doc and get your testosterone level checked. 9/10 times it's just a T supplement and you will have raging hardons like a teenager. It comes as a cream you rub on your lower back once a day...super simple. You get energy boost, feel great, and the ED is gone. Professional athletes use it all the time.

Don't let ED cause you to be treated badly/cheated on.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2018
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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 10:14 AM on Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

At one point you said that you believe she's been on at least four dates with him and then later you said it's been going on for 3 years. Are you saying that she's been having sex with him for 3 years that her Affair has been going on that long? If so what was the statement about four dates?

posts: 1757   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:31 PM on Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

You my friend need to get your ass to the Dr. For Testosterone testing and tx. In addition you need to be worked up for any biological issues that may be causing your ED (untreated hypertension).

Additionally you need to get a good therapist to see to find out why you are so conflict avoidant, and learn how to not be. How you are responding is quite disheartening.

She is being incredibly disrespectful.

She is lying to you, and not treating you with the love honor and respect she promised when you got married. Find some anger and start learning how to demand the respect you deserve.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20388   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
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Broken5152 ( member #67694) posted at 1:32 PM on Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

Sparko81, I get it. I love my wife, who was in an EA for about 3 months. She knows I know, but she doesn't think I know everything I do. There hasn't been any physical contact between them (he cut off all contact 2 weeks ago), and that's my line in the sand. I can recover from everything else, and we can work on it, but I won't abide that disrespect to the marriage and family we have.

Low testosterone sounds like a probably culprit for what's going on with you physically; it can also dim your affect, making you not care about sex and/or other things in your life. Testosterone is a master hormone for men, it affects almost everything that goes on in your body. Get it checked!

I love my wife, and don't want to leave her, and I'm willing to put up with a LOT to keep her in my life, but, like I said above, there's a line I'm not ok with her crossing. Figure out what and where your line is, and stick to it.

Keep believing; many people have poly relationships and if you're ok with it, don't let others tell you it's wrong... but poly requires honesty. Just a recommendation, but if you're ok with her sleeping with other guys, you need to sit down and have that talk with her, demanding honesty and sexual safety.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2018
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 1:43 PM on Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

Yes, please go and have your health evaluated first, then ask for honesty with her. Whatever you both decide, lies are never ok in any relationship.

You sound gentle and considerate. I hope she will treat you the same.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2565   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:13 PM on Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

What we are trying to get a read on is where exactly you are in your commitment to the marriage and where she is in her commitment to the marriage. You two are not communicating with each other at all. That’s not a marriage, that’s a roommate situation. If you know that she is going to have sex with other people but you want to stay married that needs to be out in the open. You need to be able to communicate with her what you will and will not tolerate. I make no excuses for cheating because she could have come to you at any time and told you that she was not satisfied. The fact that neither of you talks about the situation says you are so disconnected from each other except on the surface. Bring this up and see if she’s interested in a poly relationship. That does not mean you have to find another sex partner if you are satisfied with her. It just means there are some hard and fast rules about whar she can and can’t do. There are couples who do manage this.

I agree that you need to be tested for testosterone. I also think you need to talk to someone about depression because that also has an effect on your libido.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 9:14 AM, December 4th (Tuesday)]

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4636   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
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squid ( member #57624) posted at 3:41 PM on Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

What the cuck is happening here? Is she actively cheating? And you can't figure out if it bothers you?? Have some self respect, man!

Sorry for the 2x4 but what the hell! I've never seen this level of codependence here.

Hopefully she won't but if she does then shit will proper hit the fan, that's the final line to cross for me, a DNA test would 100% be done and if its not mine then I'll leave her.

That's literally like saying, "I don't mind being hacked with a butcher's knife but if it hits my jugular, then I might have to object."

Like beenthereinco says, we're more focused on getting people out of infidelity and not on how to rationalize it and accept it. She's disrespecting you. Call her out on it. The only thing worse than leaving a cheater is staying married to one.

Good luck, man.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8293597
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