SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my husband has a long history with drugs. For a while it was opiates then he turned to meth this past year. We have been together for 14 years, married for 5 and have 3 children with number 4 due in about 3 months. His meth abuse became extremely bad and destructive in the beginning of October and I couldn't have him around our kids anymore so I put my foot down and made him leave our home. He stated he wanted to quit, this wasn't what he wanted at all, would get help, etc. But this was after two recent attempts at treatment for addiction and I was tired of enabling him so I stuck to my word and told him when he was ready to commit to treatment let me know. He was staying with his parents during this time and would randomly be gone for days at a time to get high, then would show back up at his parents house when he was out of money or out of gas or didnt want to stay in his car... Anyway after one of his periods of being gone, I got a weird vibe from him and I asked him if he had slept with someone else and he straight up admitted that he had. He had met her about a week earlier at his drug dealers house and she was also there getting meth... He said in his drug addicted state he was attracted to her, he knew she wouldn't yell at him for doing drugs, he wanted someone to hang out with etc and he got her name. They slept together the night before i asked him... He had felt horrible about it and decided to come back to his moms and he was going to tell me anyway (dont know if this is true). He said he wanted to get clean and he didn't want to contact her anymore. Well, I still wouldn't let him back as he wouldn't agree to get professional treatment so he continued to stay at his parents. I asked numerous questions about their time together and he answered every one of them. I feel like he was honest at the time. I of course was and still am devastated by this... Anyway he is an addict and left again several times in November and again in December... Said he wasn't hanging out with her, definitely not sleeping with her, etc. But I really don't believe him... Anyway I got ahold of his phone in the mean time and saw proof of contact with her so I know he was at least talking to her in the last week of December. At least... So come new years and he has nowhere to go. His parents finally got on the same page as me and wouldn't let him stay with them anymore, told other family not to let him stay etc and he had nowhere to go. None of his "friends" would help him out. He told me he wanted to get clean and asked to come stay with me and detox and I said no. I was done being manipulated. I told him he needed help and I wouldn't be able to do it for him. He finally agreed to get help and is now in a year long program. He is not allowed calls or visits for the first 30 days but he was able to call me a week ago for two minutes with his counselor on speaker... He said he is devastated that he made such horrible decisions while he was in the grips of his meth addiction. He apologized tearfully and told me he cannot believe the things he did to me and cannot imaging how badly he has hurt me. He wants me to go to marriage counseling with him, it is provided by his treatment center weekly... I am just wondering if anyone has any insight on infidelity while addicted to drugs. If it is any different from infidelity while not in the throes of drug addiction... I know drug use, especially meth, does crazy things to the users brain especially in the areas of decision making and right and wrong etc. But I don't think it is an excuse.. But I just don't know what to think. I am still at the point of obsessing over this other girl and feeling horrible about myself. Even though we weren't living together, we were still sleeping together and our sex life has always been fantastic and abundant, but I feel like I wasn't good enough. He also knew I was considering divorce if the drug use didnt stop, and he said that is another reason he slept with her, because I said the divorce word and he thought it was over... So I am sure I was in the wrong saying I wanted a divorce. But, he also knew that if he made the effort to get clean, we could still have our marriage. I am just lost. I dont know how much of his decision to sleep with someone else can be blamed on his drug use. Its all so confusing...

I don’t have any advice to give you but we know drugs and alcohol will make you do things you normally don’t do.

I’m sorry for you. I think with a child on the way that marriage counseling is the LAST thing you need.

You need for him to get clean, stay clean and PROVE himself first. Then work on the marriage after that.

The only thing I can tell you about addictions is what I have seen in my cousins family. Addicts are very often selfish and until he has been straight for a long while, he isn’t safe for you. While having your support may be good for his recovery, you will be juggling a large family alone, including thre high demands of a newborn. The center will make sure he is in counseling. I think you can wait until you feel he is making progress without you to join the therapy. Especially since you tried to help him before and he didn’t allow it. The professionals are better equipped for his needs. Focus on you and your children.

I definitely agree with both of these replies. I have so much going on right now already that I don't think I can begin to work on our marriage. This baby was most definitely not planned... It has taken me quite some time to get excited about it. It was a birth control fail, which I didnt expect to produce a child anyway because I am still breastfeeding our daughter who turns 1 next month. So not only will I have a newborn to take care of on my own but also a 15 month old curious daughter who is a mommas girl and wants me all day long... We have two older boys, 11 and 7, so they will be helpful to have around but I am so stressed just thinking about it. I am about to start working part time, but his parents have been supporting me financially for the last couple months because our savings account has been wiped out as a result of him not having any real income since may... Its a struggle right now and trying to work things out just stresses me out to think about... I need to be thinking about preparing for this new baby, working, staying healthy and keeping my kids healthy and giving them some sort of normal.. All I have wanted for so long is for him to be sober... I never imagined he would sleep with someone else... He always told me no matter what, he would never sleep with someone else. He knew he had a problem with drugs, but said it never crossed his mind to sleep with anyone else. And I believed it 100%. I am just so hurt. I was going to file for divorce before all of this happened (this latest attempt at treatment) because of the drug use and then after the affair I had my mind made up and had a consultation with a lawyer set up... Now I am not sure what to do. What if he does actually stick with treatment and actually gets clean? He is a wonderful, amazing person when he Is sober. Such a great hands on father, an awesome partner in everything, loves to work hard, loves to spend time as a family, the kids love him so much. The drugs make him the complete opposite. He was stealing from his own kids... They started locking up any money or valuable things they would get in my in laws safe... It was breaking my heart... Then he sleeps with another girl... I say girl because she is 23... I am 32. She is a drug addict who uses needles and sleeps around.. It just disgusts me that he would sleep with that... I just don't know if I can ever look at him again. We have been together since high school... I just don't feel special to him anymore, it just kills me. It is the worst feeling ever...

Are you going to the 12 step group for partners of drug addicts?

You don't need to make any decisions now.

You can still see a lawyer. Knowledge is power.

I know you are in a very low place, but you need counseling for yourself--not marriage counseling. No. It is not time nor is it your place to be working on the marriage. It is your time to work on you, you as a human, a mother, and a self. Please take your focus off of him and get yourself IC and support to draw boundaries and keep yourself safe. He is drowning in drama, and he's pulling you under with him. You must save yourself and stop worrying about him all the time. Even joining here shows your focus is on him.

Please get IC for yourself. It will help.

I'm sorry.

((((Confusedwife22))))

confusedwife22, My husband was addicted to alcohol and cocaine and had a 6 year affair. The drugs certainly contributed to him not ending the affair. He knew right from wrong, hid his behavior and lied and manipulated me and the kids. In retrospect, he was deranged, but what came first, the chicken or the egg?

Addicts can quit, but longterm drug usage has a whole set of physical issues.

I'm glad that your H is getting professional help. It took me a while to separate myself from my H's problems, doing so has brought me a modicum of peace.

I am looking into the meetings but I live in a very small town and will probably have to drive an hour or more each way to be able to attend anything, which right now doesn't seem very logical. I am looking into counseling for myself, again being in the area I am in, there are not many options at all. There will be a drive involved and it will be hard to find child care and time to make it work. I am also not sure how I can make it work financially. There is a state run counseling center in my town but it is geared toward drug addiction and mental health so I don't think they offer any therapy outside of that. I am sure I can get in for depression but with the waiting list it could be months before I am able to talk to anyone. Right now I have state insurance until this baby is born and after that who knows what insurance I will have if any. My job that I start next week doesn't offer benefits to part time employees and I don't have the availability to work full time with three kids. Again, very small town with no after school options for my 11 & 7 year olds. I am trying to figure it all out but it is so overwhelming.

There are alanon and narcanon online meetings and chat.

I am the sister and in-law of drug addicts. My personal experience is that they care nothing except for there drugs.

As for his cheating, it is most important to realize he betrayed you drug addiction or not. The infidelity needs to be addressed regardless of the addiction. You do have a right to feel betrayed over his affair. You will experience the roller coaster of infidelity. Unfortunately, it is also tied in with your feelings about his drug use.

When you told him to leave it was to protect your children and yourself. He agreed to hold to your vows. He made a choice to cheat.

Please get tested for STDs. Your first priority is to take care of yourself. Eat, drink water and find ways to get support.

As for marriage counseling are you ready for that? This is more about you and your children not your WH right now. He is in a safe place getting help. He is the only one who can save himself from drug addiction.

Keep posting!

First, I'm sorry you have to deal with averything that's on your plate.

Second, congratulations on kicking your H out. That's best for both of you, especially since his parents kicked him out, too. I can imagine that was an extremely difficult choice and even more difficult to implement.

Third, I have not had to deal with meth addiction in my circle of friends or family.

Fourth, IMO, you have to heal from 2 different traumas - drugs and infidelity. I've heard good things about alanon; I assume narcanon is very similar. I hope you can find a real-life support group.

SI can give you emotional support and encouragement.

Fifthe, WRT infidelity, we can give you lots of guidance. I'd start with 'The Healing Library' - the link is in the yellow box inthe upper left of SI pages - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp?

But your sitch is different from most. It may be that your H's meth-addled brain (plus feeling like a Victim in a Drama Triangle) enabled him to cheat - the meth may, in fact, have caused the cheating.

Staying off druge may be your H's road to fidelity, as long as he does the internal work to stay out of Drama Triangles - alas, much, much easier said than done.

Can you talk to his counselor(s) at the rehab center? One topic I would suggest is your H's progress. Another is 'What do these MC sessions do for me?'

What if he does actually stick with treatment and actually gets clean? He is a wonderful, amazing person when he Is sober. 

If he stays clean and sober, you can always choose to get remarried in the future.

Loving an addict is hard. My SIL had a cocaine problem, went to a Christian rehab and "found Jesus." Got her life together, got married, had a couple of kids. Husband cheated, she got divorced a few years ago. Had a falling out with the church. Her new boyfriend got her hooked on meth and in the last year things have rapidly spiraled out of control -- she moved her kids out of her house, which became a meth lab, and into her boyfriend's, even though her daughter's were vocal about being uncomfortable around him. Would show up hours late to pick the kids up. Stopped working her regular job and started selling all sorts of junk. Suddenly the kids didn't even have shoes because mom "lost them."

As good, sweet, kind-hearted of a person that she was, she's not that person now. She doesn't care about her health, and her children's safety or well-being. Right now her only focus is on meth.

My in-laws never thought they'd actually be backing their cheating bum ex-son-in-law for full custody.

I know how painful it is to be cheated on, but I think all you can do right now is worry about you, your kids, and moving forward with your life without your husband in it. If he gets clean and stays clean, you can consider life with him again. But that's a long way down the road. I'm sorry confusedwife22.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 8:20 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

Confusedwife, my heart aches for you. I know how it is to deal with a cheating addict. My WH was a crack addict. First story was that he cheated because he was on crack and these prostitutes were there. Reality was that he started sleeping with prostitutes and wound up getting crack from them. Total shitshow either way.

I separated from him last year, he's in a sober living community WAY across the country, and I have more peace in my life than I've known for a very long time.

I know how it is to deal with an active addict and the agony of being in love with someone who suddenly treats you like a nobody. I know how it is to live with someone you love who turned out to be a cheater. It's two different traumas all wrapped up at once and I wouldn't wish this on anyone (well, other than on those who inflict it in the first place).

Disease, character defect, whatever. You can't fix any of it. All you can do is get healthy and take care of you. I second the Naranon meetings however you access them. And hey, PM me if you need someone to talk to who has been down this ugly painful road. It's unimaginable unless you've lived it. It's utter chaos. It's a special kind of heartbreak to deal with both of these issues at once. It's a herculean effort just to function and that you have shows how strong you are.

In these situations people tend to worry about how the addict is doing and whether or not he's getting help. Please hear me on this...what matters more is how you and your children are doing. Addicts get rehabs with nice meals, intensive therapy, a support system, horseback riding, etc. They often get sober living afterwards where people hold them by the hand to teach them to be adults. We, the collateral damage, get to clean up the mess and survive the best ways we can. I don't know about you, but I don't get anyone holding me by the hand and telling me how I should learn to love myself and getting meals cooked for me and yoga lessons and so forth. What we get is the job of emotionally supporting abandoned children and their family members.

The most important thing for you right now is to take care of yourself and find support wherever you can. The marriage isn't a priority right now. He's still too emotionally immature and empathy-deprived this soon after to be husband material. You're still too traumatized to be a healthy spouse. Marriage counseling is probably premature at this point.

"So I am sure I was in the wrong saying I wanted a divorce."

no, you weren't. he's manipulating you.

so he's a drug addict, a cheater and not able to hold a job.

please want more for yourself.

could you do some online counseling? Do you have support IRL? Family and friends? What do they say?

Would they support you if you left him?

what Dee said here is very important:

"The most important thing for you right now is to take care of yourself and find support wherever you can. The marriage isn't a priority right now. He's still too emotionally immature and empathy-deprived this soon after to be husband material. You're still too traumatized to be a healthy spouse. Marriage counseling is probably premature at this point."

so he's a drug addict, a cheater and not able to hold a job.

please want more for yourself.

THIS. Sewardak is right on. Yes, you know him, you have an emotional connection to him, but these are cold hard facts. Do you need this in your life? Does this kind of person enhance or detract from your life? Feelings fade, if you let them. This is a good time to be pragmatic.

I am so sorry you are going through this. So many hard things on your plate. You are doing a great job taking care of your kids, being pregnant, and making choices about your future. Not an easy task. I have experience with a cheating husband and it is very hard to get over it, but my husband never apologized for anything, and right now your husband is in the best place he can be. I think going to marriage counseling with him would be tremendous. You'll be able to tell if he's serious or not. Thank God he went to a year long treatment. Hang in there, you are an amazing woman!

Thank you everyone for all of the heartfelt replies to my story... It feels good to know that there are people who understand what I am going through and who can give real insight that is not clouded by being family- his or my own. A couple of people asked if I had any support from my family and the answer is yes, and no... They support me getting a divorce-just not right away. They also are under the impression that he will leave treatment if I file soon, and it is very true that he might. At this point everyone just wants him sober, including me. I know it is ultimately up to him, but I cant help but think that outside support does make a difference... I went to rehab when I was younger, before I had children, and my family's support was EVERYTHING. I would not have stayed in treatment if they hadn't been calling/visiting/writing etc. It was instrumental in me staying. I did relapse several months after, when I called my husband up (wasn't my husband then obviously, on and off again relationship at this point). So even though I relapsed, I did learn a lot of coping skills in the time that I was there that were very helpful after I found out I was pregnant and needed to quit for good. So, long story short, I know he needs the support. My family thinks I should give it a few months and not do anything until he is in a stronger frame of mind and more likely to stick with it. But, when I am ready, they will help me with divorce cost. However, nobody in my family has the resources to help me beyond that, even that is pushing it for my family. His family is paying my living expenses right now. I do have a job that I start next week but it is part time and I know it will not be enough to cover half of my living expenses, this is just rent, utlities, phone and gas, nothing more. It is just that expensive. Also, since I am going on maternity leave soon, I am worried about keeping things paid then as well... Husbands parents will in all likelihood cut me off financially as soon as I file for divorce. IF that is what I even want to do... At this point I think I have a plan... I think I am going to ultimately give him the year to make his progress, while I take the year to make my own. Figure out if I can even move past the things he has done to me... Figure out if there is even a way to make our relationship work at all... Let my kids heal from all the damage he has caused... Do my thing for a while, take care of my babies... I have thought about setting up a meeting with his counseling team just so they know where I am coming from, know what our relationship was like etc... I dont know if he is being honest about everything with them and I want to make sure they know, so they can see where I am coming from. Maybe I will even meet with the counselor that provides the marriage counseling and see what they think about it. Here in about a week, husband will be allowed two phone calls a week and visitors on Sundays and Wednesdays. I know he will call me and want me and the kids to come visit and I need to know how I should handle that. I dont want him to think I am just rug sweeping everything and that I am getting back together with him and everything is going to be all sunshine and rainbows, but I also want to be supportive and I need to know where to set the line... I dont know if i should just skip out on the first however many visits and just let husbands mother bring the kids to see him or if none of us should go see him... I do know that he does need support though. I really think I need to meet privately with his counseling team and get some insight from them. It is such a complex and confusing situation and I know that the benefits of him getting sober will outweigh me being uncomfortable, in the end... If he gets sober it is the only way his kids will have any kind of relationship with him and the only way I will ever get any kind of financial support from him if we end up going foward with divorce... I don't know... This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life... There is just too much involved in the situation, it is hard to unravel and find the right path to take!

1) I urge you to talk with his counselors.

2) Gently, I think you describe a lot of co-dependence. That's a description, not a criticism. Co-d is unhealthy, but if it's there, you can reduce it. If it's there, you've already reduced it a lot, but you can keep going.

If, as I am guessing, you were highly co-d during your drug-using years, it would be normal to revert under all the stress you have to deal with now, so IMO you have to be very careful.

Food and shelter uncertainty if you D is an awful prospect. Wanting to help your H now is generous. Feeling the pain of being betrayed, worrying about a person you love being addicted to meth, having to decide between D & R - this is all very difficult stuff to deal with. It would be difficult to deal with any one of these traumas. Dealing with all of them at once - be kind to yourself.

Be kind to yourself.

Accept that you're not perfect.

Accept that you can't control your H.

Accept that only he can get and keep himself sober.

Accept that the way he handles his rehab is no reflection on you.

Accept that you have to take care of yourself first.

Accept that, if you don't maintain your physical and emotional strength, you can't help anybody.

Accept that the kids come before your H, as much as your H can benefit from support.

Accept that you're likely to make mistakes.

And give yourself a lot of credit - stopping drugs, being willing to help your H ... these are things an admirable person does.

This is a really difficult period in your life. I'm sorry you have so much to deal with.

Doctors say drugs hijack the logical part of the brain and the reptilian brain. The first knows it is making bad decisions but can’t stop because the second is the strongest. When addicted the brain stops making healthy decisions. It is totally focused on the high and the next hit. A man who finally kicked his meth habit said he would have killed anyone who had money to get his drug, even his own family. He warned that addicts lose their moral center. As long as your husband was addicted the drugs owned him. This is an epidemic of gargantuan proportions. I have no suggestion for you other than to warn you he will fight this the rest of his life and for you to be vigilant.