What trends in behavior did you see in the cheating spouse?
1. Denial and lies - yes, but they were subtle and were sometimes lies about things that had nothing to do with her. For example, one day he came home from work and I was really hungry and asked if he had eaten already or if he wanted something. He said he had not eaten yet and that whatever I made/got would be fine with him. So I walk by his car and see a bag from a local mexican take out place, and because I already felt like he was lying about everything I opened the door and picked it up - it was half-eaten and still warm. At first I figured he went to eat with her and the whole thing was a lie, but later I found out she wasn't even in town on that day (on vacation with her WH out of state) and that he had eaten with a guy from work who brought food to him to his workplace when he came in. When confronted he admitted that he had a problem with lying about stuff for no reason...which was bullshit, as he never did before. Basically, the lies were endless because he was trying to keep everything separate and to manipulate and all the usual stuff.
2. Appearance improves - no. Not that I remember.
3. Lack of interest in the family - we are our only family and while sometimes he seemed short with me there was more of a generalized distance.
4. Phone usage changed slightly. He's always been on that thing all the time - plays games on it, watches videos, so the amount of time on there didn't change, but he was taking it with him to the bathroom all the time, phone would be sitting face down constantly, and eventually I realized the password had been changed. Upon confrontation he was VERY defensive and said he changed it "because he felt like it" but didn't offer me the password until I straight up forced it out of him but that was after he'd taken it to the bathroom and deleted everything he could think of.
What behaviors occurred before and after you found out? I assume you mean my behaviors.
1. Stopped sleeping -yes, but I'm a horrible sleeper anyway (have insomnia issues as long as I can remember and I'm a major night owl).
2. Gut instinct told me immediately - it did. I knew something was up with him roughly 2 weeks after the A started and I was out of state at the time. He just seemed "off" and never seemed completely right through our year of false A. Now my gut goes all over the place and I don't trust it (it's been plain wrong two times I was convinced he was at something again).
3. Felt there was a need to tell everyone because no one initially believed me - no. I told no one except one of my good friends who actually was the WW 10 years ago (they are still married and both say things are better than they ever were before - but they had a ROUGH 2-3 years before that after the A). I initially thought it was to protect him but it was to protect me - I was (am) embarrassed about the whole thing and a bit disgusted with myself for even speaking to him still.
4. THIS ONE WAS THE WORST FOR ME - Physical symptoms related to anxiety - FORGETFUL to a dangerous point (drove the wrong way down a one way street I have driven down for 3 years almost daily), left food on the stove, could barely function at my job, forgot birthdays, holidays, time of day - you name it. This lasted in its worst form for the first 2 months post-d-day2 to the point my WH insisted on driving me somewhere as he was concerned for my (and others) safety on the road. He didn't care if I tried to throw him out - he was treating me like someone who was severely intoxicated I was so incapable. I'm back to normal now (5 months post-dday2).
5. Weight loss and general nervousness. More anxiety related symptoms. Leading up to d-day 1 I lost about 25 lbs in 6 weeks. For me the not knowing is much harder to deal with than the aftermath physically speaking. The forgetfulness was pre and post d-day - the inability to eat went away within a week or two of both d-days along with pit/knots in my stomach. I was actually quicker to "recover" from the nervous feeling post d-day2 as I think I wasn't so lost in the whole "how do I save this" and instead was saying "how will HE save this and do I even want him to"
6. Quick and short tempered with people unrelated to me and my WH. I did a lot of yelling at other drivers (who couldn't hear me) and I was hyper-critical of a lot of stuff that normally I don't care about at all.
7. Before and after d-day 1 I did a lot of crying. Before d-day 2 I did none. I KNEW in my gut he was back talking to the OW (in reality it only stopped for a short period of time) and I was hell bent on setting him up to catch him. After d-day2 I cried a bit but it was much more controlled - I was not going to give him that type of control over me.
There is a LOT more but really, the changes in him were classic, you could look up on a million websites and find most of them, and mine were surprising to me to an extent.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:51 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)]