SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

My first message and hope other people's thoughts might help me please.

I am struggling to put my wedding ring back on and also don't know how I feel about my WH wearing his. He had a LTA, we are almost 2 years out of me finding out.

He wants me to put my ring back on but its a real sticking point for me. I can't really process my feelings towards it. I took it off the day I found out. We are reconciling and getting on fine but I feel our 'marriage' is dead now. I don't want that marriage that ended in disaster back, I want a new one! Also, he wore his ring the whole three years he had the affair - what is that ring supposed to signify? It's meaningless to me now at best and at worst it embodies the affair to me somehow now.

Does that make sense? He sees it that I am throwing away everything that went before. I'm very confused and wondering what is underlying my feelings. I want us to stay together so why am I feeling like this?

Has anyone else had this problem? What did you do?

Thanks

Hi Nelly,

Initially, I didn’t have a problem with either of our rings but as time went on, I removed mine and had a big problem with my husband’s. He had a ONS and was wearing his ring-looking at it disgusted me. It was all that he wore during sex with her and I didn’t want it touching me.

For Christmas this year (about 15months after the infidelity) we both got new rings. I love my new ring. To me it symbolizes starting over. And I can look at my husband’s ring now without feeling disgust or rage.

It was definitely the right decision for us.

Have you explained to your husband how his ring makes you feel because as soon as I said it to my husband, he got it?

I too took mine off and was struggling with putting it back on I would look at my wedding ring many times throughout the day and be reminded of us.

My IC suggested that I attack this head on and just start wearing it, which I have. But it no longer holds that special feeling for me. I take it off at home and leave it in my jewelry box and I have forgotten to put it back on many times.

Maybe in the future, I’ll trade it in and get a different one. But in a way I hope that feeling comes back that I once had for my ring.

I would like to get hubby a new ring if I get one. I do have a hard time looking at his ring too!

[This message edited by Terrain at 9:33 AM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

I traded mine in along with every other piece of nice jewelry he bought me and upgraded to something I picked myself. It symbolizes to me that no man can ever make me happy or unhappy again. I am in charge of my happiness. One day he plans to add a solitaire to it which I have told him cAn only symbolize complimenting or enhancing my life, but will never be my life. I will never look at it as a traditional wedding ring again, but I do wear it on my left finger to avoid the questions from people.

I got my H a new ring since I thought that everything the first ring signified was ruined- also because I didn't want anything that he had on during his ons to remain in our lives.

I had trouble wearing mine for a bit, but eventually I was able to start wearing them again- when I realized that I kept my vows and everything my rings symbolized to me, and that I still wanted to keep the promises I made on my wedding day. It meant a lot to him when I started wearing them again, but it also meant something to me.

His new ring means more to him now for a few reasons: it matches mine, while his old ring did not. I gave this ring to him knowing that he wasn't perfect and that committing to loving him despite the fact that he wasn't exactly lovable- so he knew it was a huge effort on my part. Also, after firmly deciding to R, we renewed our vows and got the marriage and rings blessed by the church. He never takes it off and sometimes I catch him just kind of staring at it.

In my mind, I see that as our our new Marriage starting the day we made new vows and got the rings blessed.

He never wore a wedding ring bc of his job - when he cheated, I removed mine and wore a set of my Mom's on my right hand.

His affair was over 11 years ago = this past anniversary, he bought us new rings and he wears his if we go out (or he goes out).

I sold our old set and bought me a ring that *I* choose.

Your feelings totally make sense.

Never took ours off... though they have been a trigger for me, particularly when I asked her if she kept them on or off during sex w him (took off first time, wore for next three).

Since we are committed to R it feels right to keep them on but I do like the idea of new rings.

Generally one of the hardest things to deal with is how the wedding day almost 16 years ago had memories of such joy and now the pictures and symbols of that day bring sadness which I never could have imagined.

Based on your situation it sounds like new rings would be the best move when you're ready.

Wedding rings are just a symbol - they only have the power we give them. If you are in a position to replace the rings and think that will help you (perhaps the rings are something that trigger you) then you should do it. In general though I personally found that the rings weren't the issue for us. My wife needed hers re-sized and hadn't been wearing it since our third child and so we had it re-sized after DDay and she's worn it ever since.

I took my ring off on Dday 6/10/17 and will probably never wear a ring again even though we are in R.

He threw away the significance of a wedding ring when he made the choice to have an affair with a COW.

I wore a ring every day before that, what did that get me? A devoted husband? Nope, instead I got a cheater that was willing to throw away 19 years.

FWH wore his during his A too and it made me sick. At first I wanted him to take it off but then I wanted it to stay on. It’s all bent and messed up and I wanted it to be a reminder of what he did to me. About a month ago I decided I didn’t like him wearing it anymore and it made me upset. He immediately took it off. We just bought some of those silicone Enso rings as I feel comfortable with that as an interim option. Maybe in a year or so, I want to renew our vows and get more permanent rings but not yet, I’m not ready for that.

My husband took his off before meeting OW so it wasn’t on him during sex. The last night they met up for drinks, which was dday, he had it on and she questioned it because she never had seen it. Still...I asked him to stop wearing it. He made a conscious decision to remove it so he could have sex with another woman. After his hands had been all over her he slipped it back on and came home. The morning after dday I asked him to never wear it again. We got new rings two years after dday. I have a few different rings so I changed around after dday. I wasn’t the one who violated what those rings meant.

No, it totally makes sense. I was so mad on d day I threw mine in the trash. He dug it out and handed it back appologizing and I threw it out the back door. He searched but never found it. 4 months after d day I told him to get rid of his. We were no longer married, I no longer had a husband. He was devastated I don't know what he did with it but it's gone. We're at 19 months after and I just bought him a new ring. He was so excited and appreciative. He understands the second chance He's been given and the grace I'm extending to him. I don't think he will ever be stupid enough to do this to me again. He's in IC and doing every thing he can to fix the damage he caused. I still don't wear a ring but maybe one day I will. I also want a new marriage and that's what I'm getting.

WH also had an LTA.

Took my ring off on dday - will never put it back on (and not sure I could even pass it down to DD, it's THAT tainted to me).

Took WH awhile to take his off. I was angry he still wore it (he also could not be bothered to take it off before he put his hands on his girlfriend's body).

14 months after dday, my finger STILL has an indentation... guess that's what happens when you wear your ring & keep your vows for 23+ years.

Every now & then I kind of miss the jewelry aspect, but I will never miss that it symbolized a lifetime of lies and deceit.

Bottom line - you do what YOU want. If you don't want to wear it, why on earth does your WH's opinion matter? He should have thought about it when he dropped his trousers.

And if you don't want him wearing his either? I think it's a perfectly reasonable request that he take it off.

And if WH sees it as throwing away everything that you had before? Again, HE threw away everything you had before when he chose to have an A. You did not throw away one damned thing.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 9:33 PM, March 12th, 2019 (Tuesday)]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for sharing. It's good to hear I'm not alone in feeling like this and it's useful to hear what others did to move forward. I think maybe one day like a few have found it will be best for me to get new rings as a symbol of a new start. I still don't feel completely ready for that yet though. I don't know if I'd be comfortable with trading them in (why is nothing you feel after Dday simple??) even though I don't want us to wear them. Weird I suppose to hate the sight of them but not want to get rid of them. Might just consign them to the memory box and buy something cheap and cheerful

I still wear mine. It is not the rest of the world’s business that we are having problems.

That being said, I no longer love them or feel special wearing them. They have diamonds and colored gems. WH picked them out himself. He proudly showed my father when he asked for my hand. He proudly gave them to me in front of my whole family over 2 decades ago. I always have and still do get compliments on them. Up until DDay I loved them. Up until DDay they warmed my heart every time I look at them. Then I saw a picture AP sent to WH of an elaborate jewelry setting of diamonds and the same colored gems. She said “buy this for me” and my rings have forever been tainted. On top of the promise they symbolized being shattered, they now are a multifaceted [gem pun intended] reminder of AP.

I have thought about taking them off and replacing them with a small, thin band. But as they are unique it will be noticed and I’d rather avoid the questions it would generate.

I haven't worn my wedding ring since shortly after D-day. If people ask (not many have) I say that my knuckle got hurt, so I don't wear it at the moment. My knuckle is part of me - right?

My husband still wears his - and said he saw it as symbolic of his (new) commitment to our marriage. I told him that as it was the one that I put on his finger, I saw it as symbolic of the vows that I had made and kept. He made the right inference about my lack of ring after that. But he has kept wearing it. And I see me still being here and present and working at our marriage as enough to show my commitment to it and him,. Maybe symbols can be overrated?

We have discussed getting new rings since then - although that conversation was driven by me in the angsty year after D-day. Both of us were open to it. We chose designs and got quotes and everything. But then it suddenly seemed less important, almost artificial and frantic in grasping at meaning. Maybe because we were/are still a reconciliation in progress? Although, aren't all marriages, reconciliation or not, a work in progress? Maybe I'm waiting for him to raise it again as a sign? Dunno?

I have kept the old rings. In this age of recycling, I was thinking about having them re-worked. Maybe having my old band worked into the new ring (metamorphosis anyone?) or another non-wedding ring. Or keeping them as raw material for my sons to use in whichever way they want. The idea of selling them did feel weird. And maybe I'm not enough of an idealist and too materialistic to get much out of symbolically throwing them away. I did come very close to getting rid of all our wedding photos though - although that would have been a task #thejoysofthecloud.

[This message edited by Mizzbak at 12:04 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

My words to my WH .... that ring doesn’t make us married .... the vows we took in front of god is what makes us married .... we are in R and both still wear ours but like others have said I don’t feel what I once felt when I look at mine. I really like the idea of new rings for the new marriage. I think a better marriage deserves a better ring 😉

I took mine off soon after d-day, WH didn't even notice I wasn't wearing it anymore...I had to tell him. I told him that wearing that ring was a reminder of the vows he broke when he put it on my finger 30 years prior, it was like pouring salt in an open wound and I couldn't handle it. He didn't really care, he said the rings are only a symbol so they don't mean anything. I thought that symbol was supposed to be significant of the promises we made, I guess not.

Mine is still locked away after 20 months and I don't plan to wear it again, it means nothing but lies to me. My WH never removed his ring during the A, it has been in and on every part of the MOW's body so that disgusts me.

We are 17months post dday and I took my engagement ring off about 2 months ago. ( Not married, but we have been together over 19 years and have 3 children). I found when I looked at it, it just reminded me of a lack of committment. It did not represent the meaning with which it was given. My partner turned out to be a liar, a cheat and his only real commitment was to himself. He is a giver of conditional love, when that changes maybe I will change my view.

My WH wore his ring throughout and even appear on his hand in the Dick pics he shared with the OW.

I removed mine the day I confronted him.

See- to me The wedding ring is The symbol of love. The symbol of commitment.

My rings are now a beautiful reminder of how he had, shockingly, walked away from his commitments. To me. To our family.

Their presence on my left hand had always been a source of happiness. It was with pride that I placed the rings on my ring finger each morning. Now, though, every morning when I’d put them on, I felt a sting that hurt. I felt like a fraud, walking around with bands and diamonds that represented a marriage that had fallen apart. That had shattered my heart and broken all trust.

The rings became a symbol of this rather than that of love and commitment. These things no longer exist for us.

So why wear it?

I would say once you have decided to reconsile and are well into healing either discuss a new ring or wear old band on right hand.