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Hi. H (WS) and I (bs) are 7 months into reconciliation. Things are going well, however he’s very paranoid that I might want to get back at him and cheat.

He’ll make comments like “you should just do it and get it over with”, “I know I deserve to be hurt” and the like. I, mean, I know he’s worried that if he was able to do it to me, I’m capable of doing the same. It’s just that he mentions it daily.

Anyone else experiencing this?

I just found out a couple months ago that my husband slept with someone last year. He has also made comments that I should go sleep with another man and just make sure it isn’t someone he knows and don’t tell him. Then later has said he doesn’t really want this but he feels guilty for what he did to me. Then says if I’m going to cheat on him do it now instead of later so we can get over it?? I’m guessing it’s just out of guilt. It doesn’t make sense to me, because I think if I were to do that it would drive him crazy and things would be even worse than they already are. I also don’t want to have sex with someone else. I don’t see how that would make me feel better at all.

[This message edited by ItsNotFair at 12:11 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

He’ll make comments like “you should just do it and get it over with”, “I know I deserve to be hurt” and the like.

It's not unusual for a WS to say things like that. Sometimes I wonder if they just want to level the playing field so they don't have to deal with their own guilt. In my opinion, this is troubling for two main reasons:

1) The WS is still being selfish. They are taking the path of least resistance, instead of doing the work to discover why they cheated and taking actions to show you they are a good candidate for R.

2) It shows that your WS still does not understand how terrible infidelity is and the pain it causes others. In other words, his moral compass is still very broken to even suggest such a thing.

My WW hinted something similar for me. I just told her flat out, "I'm not like you and I would never cheat in our marriage. If I ever felt compelled to have sex with someone else, I would divorce you first". That pretty much put an end to any further discussions on that matter.

It’s just that he mentions it daily.

To mention this everyday seems really strange. It kind of makes me wonder if his true motivation is a swinger type lifestyle, or perhaps having an open marriage. I could be way off, but it's something to keep in mind.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 12:30 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

Hahahahahaha

I love this part of reconciliation when the CS gets a taste of the anxiety and misery of how the BS feels.

My H said similar things - more along the lines of “if we divorced you would get tons of dates”.

Now he’s afraid I will D him after two Affairs and his actions of planning to D me for the OW during his last mid life crisis Affair.

Hahahahaha

Yes, early, like during the first few months post DDAY1, he said stuff like this. It seems to be part of their process early on. Maybe make it seem less horrible by suggesting you go out and cheat too Even the field, show we're really quite alike, you and I. Crazy thinking, but they are trying to minimize what they've done, trying to rationalize their shitty choices, trying to make this nightmare end for them. Yay, it's evidence that they are not even close to true insight and remorse.

At some point in their recovery this will stop. But only when they have spent a lot if time soul searching and figuring out how they got themself to such a dark place. If your H is saying these things you can be sure he's in the very first stages of what will be a long and exhausting search to find himself, and to rebuild the trust between you.

He wants something, anything to ease his guilt that he rightfully earned.

It is projection at it's finest. I mean our WS are awesome (in their own minds) yet they still cheated. That must mean even if they think highly of you it means you might do the same. Heck some even expect that you'd do that. Why? Because that is exactly what our WS would do if we cheated on them. Since they now how easy it was for them to cross that line they believe everyone can.

I always said that doing that while M'd isn't in line with my personal values. I value my integrity too much.

Of course some just want a comeback for " You cheated on me." There is no real comeback for that. It is his guilt and he earned it. Let him have it. Tell him to find an IC so he can work through it alone without having to drag you into the muck with him.

Another way of saying "please drag yourself down to my level so I don't feel so bad about myself"

Like teenagers "if you do it too we'll both have detention and then it won't be so bad"

Pathetic really.

I sincerely hope he eventually stops with this and realizes he can't outrun the guilt and shame of of his choices and chooses to do the work.

He's manipulating you via guilt. If you sleep around, then from a moral standpoint he is off the hook. You and him are even and you can both go back to the way it was before he cheated. And... you cannot come back and throw his affair in his face.

Your WW is a shallow person if that is the way he thinks. Shallow and lacking both self-awareness and common sense.

The problem with this is, because he lacks self awareness, he has no clue how he will react if he were to ever find out you knocked boots with another dude. You know he would spiral out of control. He's delusional.

As a former WS, I have had thoughts of my BS having a revenge affair. I do not bring it up to her nor accuse her of such as I know these are only thoughts because of my own guilt. She has never done anything to make me think those things either before or after A. I know she would not stoop to the level that I did. It’s my own guilt, regret nothing she has done.

As a BS, it does cross my mind. Before the discovery of my wife's affairs, I had boundaries. I was never looking for it. If I ever did flirt a little, it had a hard line I would not cross.

Now, the marriage and commitment I made seem silly. The contract has been breached, by her, not me. She decided it was an open marriage, she just forgot to tell me.

An affair is not be accident, you have to be open to the idea. That's the difference.

I'm still not looking, but my hard line has been moved back a bit, I would consider the possibilities from a different frame of mind now.

WS here.

I offered my husband the opportunity to sleep with someone else after he found out about my A.

Selfishly, I am sure that a lot of that was wanting a quick fix and a feeling of wanting to even the playing field, so to speak. I sometimes feel like if BS had an affair as well, it would ease my guilt a bit.

Additionally, I think a lot of this was projecting my insecurities onto BS.

There was a very small part of it, at least for me, in which I know BS is feeling very insecure about himself as a man and about himself sexually. I want him to get his confidence back, and I want him to know that he is attractive and that this A was not about any shortcoming on his end. When I was feeling insecure and bad about myself, I had an A. Short term, it did work to improve my ego. I guess I wanted my BH to feel better, even if it was at my expense, if that makes any sense at all.

I would make it clear to your WS that you are not planning on having a revenge A AND that even if you did, it is not something that would fix what he did. You sleeping with someone else isn't going to do anything positively toward R, and he is still going to have to do the work on himself and on the marriage in order for things to get any better.

My WS has talked a lot with me about her fear that her A opened "pandoras box" for me or our relationship. Before finding out I never would have considered sex with someone else, now at times I think what's the big deal?

This is because as a BS my self-esteem is low and I'm looking for an easy way to boost it. This is NOT a good idea, so I'm talking to my WS about it so the openness can pour cold water on the idea.

The bigger issue is the paranoia/fear and how it's holding up acceptance and remorse. IC should help him get to the root of his fears so he can be really open about what's going on.

That’s interesting. My husband doesn’t fear it, but knows I now live for me. My body, by choice, right? I have no desire for another man and am definitely not looking, but I would absolutely cheat when or if the opportunity or desire developed. I have told him this. It wouldn’t be an affair though, since I would happily tell him. 🤷‍♀️ He made the rules. I I have all my lives left to play. He has used his all up. Game over for him, my turn just started.

Her fear is that I'll fall in love with someone else and not meet the needs of our family or want out. And that she was the cause of it. I don't worry about this, even if I did get with someone else. And part of this has been that I'm open about this as a temptation and thought.

Certainly for her this is part of the processing the fallout from the A, but like you I would absolutely tell her about it. And if it was ever close to happening we have a deal that I would text her before it happened. And together figure out how to move forward.

Game over for him, my turn just started.

With all due respect, this is wayward type of thinking. Particularly the notion that cheating is somehow the other's spouses fault. Sorry, but I strongly disagree with this notion, even in the case of an RA. Cheating is always wrong, regardless of the circumstances. If you feel a need to cheat, then divorce your spouse first.

Hardeyheart, I would tell him so I guess technically it would not be cheating. He knows the new rules of the marriage he created. It’s absolutely not a wayward way of thinking. He changed the marital rules. It’s our choice to play by them now or not. My rule is it’s me and only me or we are over and I can do as I please. He has agreed to that. How’s that cheating?

My rule is it’s me and only me or we are over and I can do as I please. He has agreed to that. How’s that cheating?

In my opinion, this is a one sided open marriage. If both spouses are willing to agree to this type of arrangement, then I agree it's not cheating.

Hardenmyheart, admittedly it’s not a traditional marriage, but that was his choice years ago.

Hardenmyheart, admittedly it’s not a traditional marriage, but that was his choice years ago.

Svon, I understand what you are saying, but do you think you could actually go through with it?

My wife's betrayal was so emotionally painful to me, I could never imagine myself causing her that much pain. Even with a willing woman and my wife's blessing, I just couldn't do it, ever.

BS here. My H was a virgin before me. I was not. However, there are a few things I wanted to be sexually reserved just for my husband. He claims he never had sex with her (something I really don't believe, but I'll never know), but I can't help have thoughts about doing those specific acts that I saved just for him with someone else.