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The first A devastated me, then false R, then dday 2,...who knows how many still not totally hearing the truth...so those who had multiple ddays, how did you decide to give forgiveness and try to move forward towards healing and possible R?

I don't believe in R especially after multiple Ddays

But to forgive you need to be in a strong position no begging no R at all costs mentality

And of course the REALLY HARD work on the WSs

"You work hard for something you want or about to lose " so the WSs need to see that they are losing

[This message edited by max2018 at 6:09 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

My fch did not have multiple As. I don't think I would've forgiven him if he had. Serial cheaters are a different breed. I don't believe they will change.

That’s something that ultimately proved detrimental to my M. I couldn’t get around, over, or through. At some point you have to take a good hard look at what you’re trying to salvage and figure out if it’s really worth it.

I’m completely D’d, absolute minimal contact, and there has been some time since initially separated. That is still one thing I have an issue with. I haven’t been able to do that yet. There is still ill will as it concerns xWW. This individual wantonly and knowingly reeked havoc on numerous lives and families.

Forgiveness is ideally more for oneself rather than the offending party. I can’t speak to that personally as the most I’m hoping for is indifference. There is a threshold to what you can deal with and choke down in the short term, but if it’s been long-standing knowledge with no real progress it’s time to cut that shit and the WS out of your life.

You don’t actually have to forgive. There is no gun to your head. As cliche as it sounds, the best revenge is a life well lived independent of them.

I don't think you'll find a lot of people who have managed to forgive multiple A's. The first one just about kills us as it is, the pain is so excruciating that most of us can't risk having it happen again.

I'm guessing here but I think if they were one night stand type of escapades, perhaps I could have tried to R if he'd addressed the underlying issues that causesd him to disregard everything he knew was morally correct.

Other than that, no way in Hell would I go back for 3rds.

I didn't decide to give forgiveness. But I gave her the chance to prove that she is worth to R with.

She did the work for a year or so after I gave her D papers (but didn't file), but now she is stuck in "I just don't know what else I can do" bullshit.

I swept it all under the rug and took responsibility for his misdeeds. I don't recommend that strategy.

He never changed. Had more affairs over the years and then left me after 26 years of marriage. By then I had made myself so much smaller trying to please him that I wasn't even sure if I existed at all.

If I had it to do over again, I would have held him accountable the first time I caught him. Everyone would have known what he did and I would have dumped him unless I saw the huge changes and dedication to actually becoming a better person who would be a safe partner.

I wasted a large portion of my beautiful precious life on someone who didn't deserve me.

I thought I would never recover from him leaving. But I'm about 4 years out and am so much happier than I imagined I ever could be. I still have days where I have to wrestle with the past and pain but it's nothing compared to living daily with a lying cheater.

I thought I was forgiving my serial cheater. Turns out it was really just a lot of rugsweeping and false reconciliation. I'm currently going to IC and taking steps to get him out of my life forever.

IMO someone who can claim to love you but break your heart over and over KNOWING how it destroys you every time is a monster. You can forgive them on some level for your own peace but it sure as hell doesn't mean you should stay with them or try to trust them again. They've proven to you they aren't going to change. I gave mine 12 (yes 12) chances that I know of, wasted 15 years and there's no change. I can't do it anymore. I'd rather die alone and miserable with a little self respect than continue to be with him and hate myself.

Lots of things are possible. But it’s HIGHLY IMPROBABLE that someone that has multiple affairs under their belt will change.

The recipe for successful R requires a lot of self-reflection by the cheater to figure out WHY they made the decision to do something so unbelievably hurtful and destructive. If they can’t get to the “why” it’s never going to stop.

They also have to have the DESIRE to change. They need to recognize how much they have hurt you and not want to subject you to that again.

Having one affair is like tossing a grenade into your marriage. It’s very, very difficult to recover from it if at all. Finding out there were multiple affair partners is like a nuclear weapon imploding on the marriage.

I no longer felt safe with my WH, so we are divorcing. I knew his behavior would never, ever stop.

I have not reached a place of forgiveness, but I have reached a place of acceptance. I see him as a broken person that needs intense IC.

My H had multiple As, but they were all over before DDay. I didn't learn about them all at once, which was hard, but my H has been faithful and consistently wanting the M since I found out and it's been 3 years since his last A ended.

I actually think that R would be much harder with a spouse who was in affair fog. Regardless of the# of As. I saw some of the communications between my H and the first OW from 9 years ago. He was completely infatuated and they fantasized about living together. I think had I found out then we probably would have gotten divorced even though she was his first affair. He would have been less remorseful, he might have married her as her marriage was ending. The still work together and their relationship and their friendship was over even before I found out about the A because she wasn't the person he thought she was. I don't worry about them getting together. I do hate her though.

I wouldn't stay if he had an affair in the future. Now that he knows how devistating and toxic to our M the As were, he would be showing me that the M really doesn't mean that much to him.

Duplicate post

[This message edited by Babette2008 at 8:56 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

Wow .. forgiveness.. I think I forgave the first time I found out 35 plus years ago ., second time .. not really .. at a certain point .. I was working on the forgiveness .. I couldn’t say it out loud .. but I prayed .. and handed the job to a higher being .. if he could forgive so could I .. this time am doing the same .. the anger is there but I don’t worry about forgiving.. I handed it over ., if WS is truly sorry God knows what is in his heart.. it isn’t eating me alive..

I don't. It's a huge relief not to have to ask myself that question anymore.

They are two different issues.

Marriage is a special status between a man and a woman. It may be possible to forgive the sin of adultery, but also divorce the spouse who is no longer a good or safe partner.

I would expect that the more incidents with the spouse, the less likely that the current one is the last. The more times that reconciliation is offered to the WS, the more disrespectful that the WS becomes of the BS.

Also, there is the non zero chance that the WS leaves the BS anyway after repeated attempts at R. Just because you offer R does not mean the WS is going to stick around.

30yearheartbreak - Is it possible to forgive multiple affairs that happened years ago and are done as of DDay? Possibly. Is it possible to forgive an affair that happened or is happening after DDay? Possible, but I can only image how hard the first scenario would be and the second scenario...I don't know.

30yearheartbreak what does forgiveness mean to you? Why do you feel you need to ‘forgive’ to move on and heal and possibly reconcile? It seems very early after a second dday to be trying to find forgiveness. I’m no expert, but I should imagine forgiveness would only come from watching your CS and seeing their changes, the work they have put in to become a safer partner for you, the empathy, love and compassion they have extended to your healing and that takes serious amounts of time and work from them. The way I see it true reconciliation and remorse from the CS leads to eventual possible forgiveness, it doesn’t work the other way round.

ETA your WS has been a classic cake eater and has pushed you into a separation after withholding his phone and your last posts talk of him sitting mute at counselling apart from to say he doesn’t know what he wants. This is a man who just a week ago wasn’t offering anything near regret, let alone remorse or empathy. If he is starting to express those things be very very wary. Sit firmly in that fence and watch. Do not even go near forgiveness. He does not deserve that. He needs to work hard for it.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 11:20 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

I'm a lucky member of the multiple d-day, false R club. What Lemondrop said sums it up nicely

I thought I was forgiving my serial cheater. Turns out it was really just a lot of rugsweeping and false reconciliation. I'm currently going to IC and taking steps to get him out of my life forever.

IMO someone who can claim to love you but break your heart over and over KNOWING how it destroys you every time is a monster. You can forgive them on some level for your own peace but it sure as hell doesn't mean you should stay with them or try to trust them again.

I will only add that mine did one better - he wasn't appearing to rug sweep. He actually sat there and looked me in the eye, holding my hand as I cried, talking about himself and his troubles and how badly he'd screwed up. He talked to me all the time, seemed patient, and willing...and yeah, some of that time he was talking to the AP for hours that same day. And yes - a monster is appropriate - and I've told him that before, in all calm seriousness.

I'm in self-imposed limbo right now, living with a mess of a WH and our relationship is so ruined now, even if it were possible for him to change and be anywhere close to the person I thought he was, it likely doesn't matter. I find myself caring less and less about it, and thankfully my hurt feelings are subsiding as well, and I'm becoming myself again. I look at him with pity now more than I ever did before. I loved him so much and now I think he's an absolute mess most days.

There are glimmers of good times every once in awhile but they are fewer and further between. We used to banter endlessly and now there is so much silence it's downright eerie sometimes. I shrug my shoulders a lot, walk away when I used to want to hear what he had to say. Now, I feel like it's likely 90-95% lies or whatever you call it when you really believe what you are saying at the time and then find yourself going back on it anyway...so it's just too much to sit through some days.

The good thing I guess is that it feels like I'm leaving him behind and beginning to get out of my own fog about him for good. It's simultaneously sad because it's almost like I'm looking back at him now, with that scared face, that for the first time apparently is willing to try to get out from behind the mask he's wearing. It's like driving away from a puppy at the curb. But alas, it feels like there is no coming back from this most of the time. He is beginning to realize what a screwed up person he is - going to IC more and really trying for himself I think - but he's got a long way to go and I think without me as motivation he will likely give up. Maybe not. One can only hope for his sake.

And yeah, it's as sad as it sounds.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:25 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

I don't. Who says you need to forgive?

First off, for me there is a difference between multiple A's and multiple d-days. D-days being defined as ongoing cheating after the A or A's are discovered.

I am married to a former serial cheater. Every now and then a serial cheater does change. I am grateful to my fwh for the work he has done to be the husband he should have always been. It has been over 4 years since I found proof of one affair and pretty much figured out the rest. He did a formal disclosure 2 months after d-day.

The first two years were hell on wheels!

I cannot know what I would have done if he had continued cheating after seeing the devastation the first d-day caused. I literally lost everything including my mind. Numerous trips to the ER due to mental breakdowns etc. To continue cheating after that, for me, would have been a deal breaker.

I left the m for 16 months after d-day. While we both were in IC, group therapy and MC. During this time there was never any talk or consideration of forgiveness. I believe that takes time and really doesn't belong to me. I suppose that since I agreed to work on this m and stay with him, that is forgiveness enough. I also, for myself, not him or the ow, must let go of the resentments. The resentments will eat me alive. After 4 years, tons of therapy, including inpatient. 12 step work and Retroiville, I can say that I don't cling to too many resentments. Although occasionally they still crop up. Lately, I have been having nightmares about the ow, again. Guess I need to do more processing.

Overall, today, I have a great marriage. One that I always wanted. My h and I communicate better than we ever did and are closer than we ever were. Funny how that works when two people are "all in."

My thoughts for you is to put aside any thoughts about forgiveness for now. Work on healing yourself from this horrible trauma that was inflicted on you. If your wh decides to do the hard work necessary to keep you, it will be very obvious to you that he is making himself worth the effort. Lots of people here have lots of opinions about what is and isn't possible. Only you can decide to make sure you are getting what you need.

I didn't.

When i found out there was another A, I kicked her out. IMO, where there's 2 As that are caught, there's probably more that were not caught.