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WH and I were gauging how far we have come in our recovery tonight. He swore up and down that he is not interested in having another affair, that he doesn’t feel attracted to other women, etc. Then I asked hypothetically if I give him permission to have sex with other women (a complete free pass that I am cool with), would he go for it? He said to be honest the idea turns him on even though he doesn’t have a woman in mind. He tells me he doesn’t know what about the scenario turns him on.

My answer is that unless the guy is Jason Mamoa, I am not interested in being with anyone else. Basically, I am not interested. So I want to know would the men on the Forum be turned on by this scenario? Is he still thinking like a wayward? Does that mean that if another woman offers no strings attached sex again, he would consider it. Look, I know we have ways to go before we reconcile. I just want to know if non wayward men have the same reaction knowing what we know about the pain of betrayal now.

[This message edited by Bestthing at 8:20 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

I am a WW. I genuinely offered my BS a free pass. I've brought it up multiple times and even as recently as last week. His response was he DOESN'T want to have sex with anyone else. Period. Just me.

In my book that's the only correct answer from a married man (especially a WS) unless we are talking about complete Hollywood fantasy ideas.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 9:23 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

I'm no longer married, but if a woman I were dating brought up the idea of a free pass I'd break up with her. It's the complete opposite of a turn-on.

If my wife offered me a “free pass” for a one night stand, would I get turned on? I think I would. The thought of doing something “bad” and not having to pay the consequences does have its attraction.

However, would I act on it? NO FREAKING WAY!! First of all, I don’t love this girl, and I would rather make love than just bang some woman. Sex is important to me in that it is the only unique connection I have with my wife. I have to share her emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. But sexually, she is only mine and I am only hers.

Second, think of all the risks I would be taking: Does she have some STI or HIV that I would bring back to the only woman I really love? What if I get this woman pregnant? What if other people find out, especially her husband/boyfriend?! NO THANKS! The risk is way too high.

I like it when my wife talks kinky and dirty with me to get us both turned on, and I might think that this “offer” was just that, and would take it so. But believe me, I would take it no further!

Interesting question, by the way.

My wife could tell me every day that I could have a free pass and each time I would laugh at the comment.

I spent a great many years as a musician and I'm one of the few that I knew that never accepted the company of a groupie, and there is NEVER any attachments there, believe me, so I would never consider it now while being married to the greatest, most loving and selfless woman I could ever hope to find.

Thank you, everyone. Of course I wanted to hear Firenze and iamweasel’s response, but that would not be the truth for my WH. WH said Beachwalker’s answer was the articulate version of how he feels. His explanation is that when i asked him, he saw a porn movie in his head and was turned on, although he wouldn’t act on it. Before DDay, I thought he was such a gentleman. The real him is really not what he portrayed.

The only way I know how to love is to live love. My love develops as it goes in the relationship.

I find plenty of people attractive, but first sex is worst sex for me. So it wouldn't be all that great.

So I want to know would the men on the Forum be turned on by this scenario?

For me-----Not.At.All.

How on Earth does it not come back to reminders of the affair(s), yet alone to go against my own moral code?

If she offered it to me, my reaction would be:

Ok....when did you cheat?

I think D would be more attractive.

Marz hits it on the head. If I was turned on enough by a free pass "offer" to take it, I would be way more turned on by D and get all the free passes I wanted. A token offer of a free pass from a WW has no intrigue or interest for me.

My fWW never asked for a free pass prior to her A. I wouldn't engage in that question with her, even in jest. While I would never enjoy the concept of a free pass, I would not give her the right to weigh in on the idea either in a conversation.

<Turd firing towards punch bowl>

In my book that's the only correct answer from a married man (especially a WS) unless we are talking about complete Hollywood fantasy ideas.

^^This. If there's only "one right answer" why ask the question? That's absolutely what you're dealing with in this situation. It's a "lose/lose" proposition for him to answer anything other than "no way hun, other women have cooties and are ugly".

Now, with that out of the way, I will say, none of us have any idea if he'd like a "free pass" or not. Some would; some wouldn't, ANYONE with 1/2 a brain in their head is going to deny "wanting one". But there are some other ways to gather insight to this. Look up "common male sexual fantasies" and start going down the list. It won't be long before you get to "NSA" or "threesome". Pretty standard fantasies.

So, let's flesh this out a little bit for me, not your H, and not anyone else, but I'll tell you the truth for how I feel about it. If my W said "You can F someone else because of my A" it would be about as attractive as a root canal. Totally not a "turn on". If my W said "I like to imagine you with other people, it turns me on, like that girl over there, she's hot"; yes, that would turn me on. If she said "It's not because of the A, but I can't stop thinking about our HB and how much I'd like to have that with you, Suzy at the office thinks your hot and I'd like to watch" well.. That would be rather erotic. And then, of course, the ultimate turn on (for me), "Suzy is coming over, and I'm going to have you watch us together before you... (no need to get more graphic here)".

So, yes, put a certain way, it can be an incredible turn on. However, that said, I'm not sure I'd want to live any of those situations. Like if "Suzy" was coming over to be with us both, I'd have a lot of trepidation and worry about it; I don't want to destroy my marriage just to bang Suzy (hence, why I've not had an A). I'd have to REALLY believe that was what my W wanted. She'd have to be more into it than I was, more for "her" than for me. But yes, imagining those things to be true, it would be quite a potent turn on for me.

My BH feels the way Beachwalker does. We're both fine with that, but YMMV.

Pink, just curious: if there's only one acceptable answer to that question for you, and your BH has given it multiple times, why do you keep offering?

ETA: Cross posted with RIO. Sorry. Two turds in the bowl, I guess!

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 6:47 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

I think it's the only acceptable answer for a married man/WS. Not particularly for the husband of a WW. I offer it to him like he knows he has a free pass but I know he'll never act on it, but if he did I'd understand if he did. Weird I guess but I wouldn't be angry if he felt he *had to* to even the score. He isn't that type of person, probably not because it doesn't interest him but because of the risks involved.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 8:31 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

As a BH, the deal with a free pass is that it would never remotely come close to making the score even. Years ago, in the early days, my fWW outright said, I wish you would find someone to have sex with so you could feel some justice. This is similar to saying, to help even the score. But, I knew it would never achieve that. The score was way, way more than the sex. It was a lot about the sex, but in a context that I could never recreate just by doing it with someone else as a free pass.

If my WW offered me a “free pass,” we'd be done.

If my WW offered me a “free pass,” we'd be done.

Why? I feel like if he felt he had to do it then basically I'm telling him I understand. But he rolls his eyes and gives me quotes on STD rates. Maybe we are weird but me offering that doesn't upset him. Even if he said it turned him on I wouldn't be upset, but use it as a way to spice up a fantasy in the bedroom. But my husband is the most honest person I know, and I think I would feel differently if he was the WS.

I don’t think a free pass exists. There are consequences to everything we do in life good or bad.

But I will say we have had discussions whether an open marriage was something for us to revisit. In the tender place a couple is in infidelity I believe the resounding answer to that is no, and so does my husband- and this was after serious discussions of it.. Might as well throw gas on the fire and draw up your divorce papers.

That being said, we can achieve fantasy talk now, which we both have missed. So I agree with the other posters yes talking out loud about fantasies and scenarios can be fun and exciting, knowing neither wants to really act on them. We did this a lot pre A days, so it was already in our make up as a couple. I can’t imagine it would be something easy for some to introduce.

"threesome"

My husband once joked about having a threesome. Then I asked him if he already had another man in mind or do I get to choose.

Chirp chirp

I agree with Hiking Out. I'm reminded of the adage: TANSTAAFL: There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch.

A WW offering her BH a "hall pass" has a motive, a quick way to make herself feel somehow "less wayward" or "less bad", as if sex outside the M by the BH could make the "score" more "even". Of course it could never do that from the perspective of the BH because the pain from the A resides in the betrayal, and hall pass sex by definition is not a betrayal. In fact, by offering a hall pass, the message being communicated is: "I don't actually value you that much as a sexual partner, therefore I wouldn't mind if you took your lame sex somewhere else."

Except for Khaddi Sagnia. If somehow I got a hall pass specific to a long lustful night in a hotel with Khaddi Sagnia, that would be a turn-on.

My xLTGF, when our relationship was good, did once sort of set up a three-way with one of her friends. This friend visited us from out of town over a long weekend. Unbeknownst to me, the friend was in the throes of the end of her marriage and was looking for some fun. We spent the weekend cavorting as a threesome, then the friend returned to her home. Now that was a definite turn-on.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 10:10 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]