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I know it's a rare case, but my first XWW ultimately was quite remorseful. Although she used her affair to destroy the marriage on purpose, she would have epiphanies of regret during it all. And not long after the split, would tell people the news as... "I guess you heard I fucked up pretty badly."

Even more recently, when she heard I was going through a similar event with recent XWS, she said, "Don't think this has anything to do with you. You were and are a good man and a good husband. I was just really fucked up at the time."

Won't lie, this did feel good. We could never have made it work, so no thoughts of reconciliation, but it was helpful.

Anyone else have a remorseful XWS?

I think my ex got pretty much there. But it took too long, i am done. But yeah, it feels kinda good but also extra sad. Why didn’t he realize it much sooner? Onwards...

I've heard it here and there. It doesn't seem to stick. I've kept some letters of apology from her, but they were always followed by more cruel actions or speech. Now I find it disturbing when STBX acts in a remorseful way - it makes me incredibly sad thinking this could have turned out some other way.

[This message edited by unspecified at 1:14 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

Simply...... NOPE!

My XWW was unremorseful and doesn’t seem to regret a thing. I never got a sorry, or her owning what she did. She justifies it cause I was a horrible husband apparently.

But meh, even if I got an apology or a sense of remorse it’s not for me. She’d just be trying to clear her conscious.

But I agree with everyone else. The damage is already done (and repaired). No chance for R even if they do everything right. We’ve moved on.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 1:25 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

I have a better chance of sprouting wings and flying. Xhole KNOWS he was wrong, KNOWS he destroyed the marriage, KNOWS he betrayed me in the worst possible way multiple times, but DOES NOT CARE. His soul is as black as night and the word "remorse" is simply not in his vocabulary.

Wouldn't matter to me if he was remorseful anyway. Too much damage over too many years. I know my worth so I don't need to have it validated by that sleezy douchecanoe.

Nope. I'm still the Asshole in her eyes. Just a jerk. Hahaha I did get a "I never meant to hurt you" and a "I'm sorry, just move on" and a "We just met, there was no affair, I'm not a cheater or a liar". If she ever does come to her senses it is way to late now. I honestly wouldn't believe a word she says. I wouldn't reply and she would spin it all around somehow about how I'm the bitter ex. Meh, whatever. She knows deep down the good man she threw away. I did thank her for releasing me!

Oh - he knows he screwed up. But he's more regretful for himself than he is remorseful. I don't think he's capable of remorse.

He does start most conversations (over email) with me with this phrase: "I know I don't deserve for you to even talk to me, but . . . " This gets old for me.

It wouldn't matter if he was full on remorseful at this point - way too much water under that bridge and I seem to have lost my rose-colored glasses.

NL

Remorse? Ha! That would mean that she had done something wrong! NEVER going to happen!

Yes. My ex describes me to the children as “the love of his life” and generally mopes like a kicked puppy when we see each other. But you know what?? He had AMPLE opportunity to course correct and get it together to keep me and the marriage and wouldn’t/couldn’t do it. And I accept the fact that he never will. So he can feel as sorry for himself as he wants. Whatever.

Not yet, probably not ever. She does play the victim as she insists I was an abusive husband who kept her under my thumb. Can't really point to anything specific though. When her sister found out about the affair, she said she was crazy. Told her I was the best husband out of the lot and she would leave her own husband for me. So not abusive. What I got was a drunk text in our anniversary which regretted where we ended up. Yup, like we got lost in the mall or something.

What I do see is her physically dissolving before my eyes. Aging at rapid speed. I guess its the guilt and shame taking its toll. So I guess that's something. Shell never apologize directly though.

My XWH has told me that his affairs were the worst mistakes he's ever made and that I didn't do anything wrong or anything to deserve it.

I felt like I gave him ample opportunity to wake up, years in fact. But he just had more affairs. I couldn't get him to stop his behavior. After the second round of DDAYs (online dating mostly) I told him that the only way I would even consider R is if HE went to IC for a minimum of one year to figure out why he has this compulsion to cheat. He never did go to therapy...so I knew then that was it.

I think he very much regrets it. I've moved on and have met the love of my life. He is single, on every dating site and can't find anyone special.

I wish this made me feel good to see him suffer but honestly it doesn't because I feel bad for him, he can't break out of this destructive pattern of behavior. Most of the time I feel very happy deep down that I was able to get out of the marriage. I would have hated looking back on my life when I'm older and think I spent it all with him. I feel so relieved.

[This message edited by ErinHa at 8:25 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]

Remorseful??

Not a chance, to be remorseful she would have to admit to doing something wrong.... even when I caught her in bed with the AP with my own eyes.

She doesn't even acknowledge the affair. To her, it didn't happen.

Nope, not a single crumb of remorse.

Remorse takes strength. Admitting wrong, and being the bigger person takes strength. Lets be honest, if our WWs has any sort of strength and character, they would not have done this, and would have spoken up about what their issues were, whether it was us, or some part of their FOO issues. They don't have the strength, and most of them lack the ability to dig out of hole they live in.

Most will not find remorse, b/c they lack the strength to be bigger, better and to admit guilt. Most will regret, but remorse and to actually apologize, thats just too big for most of our exes.

Remorse takes strength.

Ha! My cheater is the weakest person I know so I don't believe remorse will ever hit him.

I would put my EX in this category. Hers was a mid life crisis affair with a guy totally in appropriate for her in almost every way. She wasn’t looking to replace me, but rather to feel more relevant.

From day one where she broke down, to the day we signed the papers, she begged and pleaded to try to restore what we had. She turned into an almost stepford wife to accomplish it.

She tells anyone who will listen that she destroyed her life, and our family for nothing. My daughters tell me even after all this time she is on the border of depression.

I will give her credit in that she never tried to blame what she did on me. I know she does hold some resentment in that I was th3 one to make the final decision to end things

My WH SAYS he's sorry at times, but his actions don't match up at all. And he definitely places blame on me. When asked why he did it, his reply was "she was nice to me". I bet he was nicer to her than me too. I'm not a mean person. But I do call him on bull and I guess that makes me mean? Asking him to take responsibility when he is caught red handed in a lie. In the beginning he said he was so sorry and would do whatever it took to fix things. Since I discovered the affair on Snapchat and tons of porn as well, I asked for passwords and to access his phone when I needed because he has always been private with it. That lasted a week. He made it my fault for not complying as well. He's not sorry. I don't think he has a conscience anymore to be honest. I am slowly detaching and reading up on the 180 process and healing myself without his help so that I can be my best for our 5 beautiful children. Hugs to all that have a WS that isn't remorseful. ♥️ It's like adding salt to the wound.