SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Feeling weird having this all out here, even anonymously. Thanks to all who helped. H and I are doing well and other situation at work (9mo flirtation or EA/3 yr crush/limerence)resolved. Grateful to SI but pulling away from here.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 9:55 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

No stop sign, so I'll respond.

I've read your bio and all I see are excuses. Your hormones, life, etc etc.

You appear to be one of those that will come up woth every excuse in the book to cheat then when found out, swear up and down they never meant to hurt their spouse and would do anything to make things right.

How about making things right now.

How about stopping with the excuses? How about thinking about your husband and your child? How about actually talking to your husband? Tell him about what's going on with this man who's willing to cheat with a married woman with a child?

How about including your husband, the supposed man you love in this major junction in both of your lives, because make no mistake about it, you are about to insert a monumental point in your marriage and lives if you actually do go ahead and cheat.

Seems folks are willing to go to MC, talk or seek help after cheating. How about doing it before?

If you read “Not Just Friends” it talks a lot about windows and walls- The windows being interactions and relationships that are inappropriate in the context of your M and the walls being barriers to the openness you should have with your husband.

The things you describe regarding meditation, mindfulness, are all long term and take time to take effect. You need to take radical action to nip in the bud what is likely already an EA, potentially- The way to ID if it’s an appropriate relationship or not is to ask the question: “Do I keep portions (or the entire relationship) secret from my spouse?” What you’re describing sounds like you do. That’s your litmus test, and it proves at least one window and one wall out of place.

I regrettably think that IC is the only way. The onset of wayward tendencies is, remember, about something in YOU. Approaches you can employ: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) where you refute emotion-based cognitive distortions with rational counters. This was VERY quick to take root with me- “Feeling Good” by Dr David Burns is a user friendly intro with lots of practical applications. Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” focuses on principled living: Taking the time to understand the true self (in knowledge tradition terms) and building the habits to more instinctively act in line with unchanging principles as opposed to being distracted by emotional or short term approaches.

Breathe. From your diaphragm. Slow breaths. Work to eat right as much as you can. Exercise as much as you can.

Work on reconnecting with your husband earlier- Five Love Languages may be useful, Love Maps (Google looking for apps if you want to do something quick) is another “low-impact” (that is fairly simple yet effective) technique. See if there’s ways you can mitigate the amount of time spent with this OM.

I’m guessing something in your mind tells you (as this looms large) that there’s some element of the love and the life you’ve built that seems to have changed- It has, but that’s what happens in life. You are still worthy of love as is your husband. Understand that and be brave, vulnerable, and open to the continued growth of this meaningful live. The limerence is a distraction and your projection of some need for validation that can only come from within.

I’m glad you’re trying to head this off as it approaches crisis, I think Trenor’s final take-away is a good one, start removing excuses NOW. Be strong. We’re here to help.

Hello Justsomelady,

WW here. Sorry that you are here. I just read your story and i am responding because i can relate to a ton of what you said, but i see many yellow and red flags here so please hear me out. This is already an EA. You have become completely emotionally invested into this person and you are seeking attention and validation which will ultimately lead to physical if you don't stop now. I almost fell out of my chair when your counselor said it's okay to flirt. I understand it's human nature for most people to flirt and be flirted with, but when you are in a relationship, a committed one at that, you either take it as flattery or ignore it and run.

Remember you are in control of your choices and actions. No one is making you do anything or feel anything. You need to sit down and write at this point since you cannot afford counseling. Please avoid this man now. You need to figure out the how's and why's of how you got here and why you are so desperate for validation. I see a lot of excuses here. You need to validate yourself. Most importantly, you are blaming your hormones, stressors of life, and your husband's depression for what's going on within yourself. It's all within you. You are making the choices to seek this man out and run from what's going on within you. I would read from the Healing Library and there are a ton of self help books that are on here to help. Sit down and talk to your husband with complete honesty and transparency.

An open marriage is not the answer. You are basically minimizing and trying to receive validation from both your husband and whatever other man. Write down what you are feeling. Sit in it. Any trauma in your life? FOO issues that may have led up this? What other distractions are you running to that's distracting you from focusing on YOU. Leave this man alone now. He is only going to use you for his ego boost and sex that will cause you to go into shame and feel disgusted about yourself. Does he even you know you are married with a child? Put yourself in your husband's shoes. Think of the trauma this will cause you and your child. You have to show up for yourself and your family. You are in a marriage and you need to commit to it and know that there are always going to be ups and downs, so do everything now to see why you are seeking so much attention and validation. I hope you start doing the work now instead of later for yourself.

[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 1:28 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]

Hi JSL,

Welcome to SI.

You're in trouble.

One more time. You're in trouble.

You're heavy in an EA and enjoying the ego kibbles he gives you.

If you love your husband you'll see that this is a dangerous path you're going down. As to resources for you to consume just go over to the Just found Out forum and you will learn what happens when affairs go too far.

I deal with my crushes all the time. Heck I'm still limerant from my affair. Divert now while you can. Your kid's life will turn out better with an intact family.

Justsomelay,

Without piling on, I will offer the reserved advice of listen to what these experienced folks are saying.

If you run into this EA AP character, or he searches you out, consider getting a new job. A new job is easier to find than a new husband, especially when there are children involved.

You remove the temptation, any chance for limerence and get into IC; set boundaries and keep them. Or have girl friends at work that you trust at work to get you away from of temptation the AP, if you cannot get another job.

You have many options, but the fact you are reaching out for help, means you recognized there is a problem, which is a great realization.

Good luck, and keep coming back to SI.

You know in your very heart that what you're doing is wrong. Your conscience is screaming at you, that's why you're here. If the temptation gets too strong, tell your husband; the look on his face will probably change your mind.

I imagine that every WS here wishes they could go back to right where you are now. Do you think they would take the same path as before? I don't.

Whatever feel-good thrill your getting isn't worth nuking your marriage, your integrity, and your husbands soul.

Turn around now, while you still can. Delete OM's contact info. Block him on social media. Block his calls and don't allow messages. It may be hard for you because the temptation is still strong, but you'll be glad you did in the end.

Justsomelady,

nightmare01 said:

I imagine that every WS here wishes they could go back to right where you are now. Do you think they would take the same path as before? I don't.

This is so true, Justsomelady. My affair was over 40 years ago and every day I wish I'd told my husband about my feelings and avoided the many years of pain I caused. Tell your husband about your actions and your feelings. He can help you more than anyone. Don't be a cheater.

You have made the right choice to come here.

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[This message edited by Justsomelady at 9:43 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

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[This message edited by Justsomelady at 9:49 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

I think you should consider, or at least be prepared to tell this OM to back off. You can be pleasant - just say that your relationship has moved into inappropriate areas, and that you love your husband, and if OM respects you, he will back off. If you don't, he'll find a way to stay in contact with you - texts, messages, online chats, you know where this is going, and if you don't end it he'll pressure / coerce you into a PA.

Be prepared for arguments - can't we just be friends... I count on your insight, and value your opinions - blah blah blah. It's a trap - as is, can't we just have coffee together one more time, for old times sake. You can not be friends with, or have any relationship with OM because your relationship with him has already crossed over into the 'emotional affair' arena.

My WW tried this several times with her OM, and he just kept reeling her back in.

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[This message edited by Justsomelady at 9:50 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

Tell your husband, everything, in detail, that you are longing for AP every day and you need focus and willpower to spend time with him.

I believe that his reaction will make it easier for you to forget AP, of course providing that your husband would even want to be married to you.

I doubt that you would have a nerve for such honesty though, as it seems you would rather quietly/passive aggressively resent your life with BH than try to communicate your dissatisfaction.

JSL

I urge you to try and view your situation through someone else’s eyes. What do you think they would say about the OM? What would they say about your relationship with the OM? Especially considering you’re married? How would you feel if your husband was doing this with another woman? Would you be ok with it?

Look at the OM for who he really is. He knows you’re married and regardless of what he may say, would love nothing more than to get into your pants. What kind of person pursues any kind of intimate relationship with someone who is married? Not someone honorable or with any kind of integrity.

Please consider what you’re doing. If you love your husband and your family, you will stop this. I had a LTA. I threw away my vows, my values, my honor and my integrity. For what? For a woman who was just as broken as I. If you’ve spent any time reading here, so much of what is said is true. I thought my AP was my soulmate (I’m embarrassed to say that we uttered those words to each other). I almost left my family for this woman. When I finally grew a conscious and broke it off, it turns out she had been with someone else all along. It was one of the most sobering moments of my life. I always prided myself with being someone with above average intelligence. Clearly that’s not the case. I was so blinded by my ignorance that I couldn’t see I had my soulmate right in front of me.

Seriously, if you value your marriage, husband, family and yourself, you will stop this.