SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

FWH here, offering my 2 cents

I apologize if I'm repeating any previous posts

plain and simple: you know what you're doing is wrong, so just stop...

you say you love your husband, but you're showing through your actions that you really love the ego kibbles more... each and every interaction you have with this other guy not only dishonors your marriage, but also disrespects your husband... you're showing over and over that you're willing to disregard his feelings in order to feel good for a moment... you're disconnecting yourself from your marriage, and your husband, and living in a world where only YOU matter...

SO, what do you do?

first... find an IC, someone who will help you work through your issues and help you craft better coping skills

second... find a church, lean into the Word of God and gain an understanding of what it means to live your life with regard for others, rather than what YOU want and YOUR self-gratification

third... if you feel compelled to, and your IC may even suggest it, confess to your husband... let him know what you're going through and what you're doing to correct it... ask for forgiveness, and show him every day going forward that HE is the one who matters to you...

these are some things I have done... I don't always get it right every day, but I strive to...

I wish you the best of luck in your healing

.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:11 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

JustSomeLady, I'm so glad you are going to talk to your husband.

He will be hurt by the idea that you get any kind of excitement or have any soft feelings for another man. It will be hard for him. But it's more than worth it in the long term to be open, honest, and a team with him. It's the best chance you have for a strengthened marriage, true intimacy, honesty, and team.

But in the short term - do you want to write out what you will say to him? There may be phrasings or words that you will reach for that he will hear in a way that's different than you mean, and we could help with that.

Your husband may feel like he wants to fix it or frustrated that he can't fix it. Let him know that you are working on fixing it and it's the number one priority in your life.

He may feel like it's his fault, like he is inadequate or there is something about the other man that he lacks that you find attractive. Reassure him that is NOT the case. You have some internal issues and you were looking in the wrong place to solve it. It has nothing to do with him. The best spouse in the world can't fix anything for their spouse - it's up to an individual to do the work.

Work very hard to understand your husband's point of view. If he doesn't talk much there is still a lot you can do (read on SI, tell him things you notice about him etc) to really understand what he is thinking and feeling. It will build empathy and help you response better to him.

Regarding your feelings for the AP. Do you have ways to see what he is really feeling and thinking when he interacts with you? I have a bunch of mental tricks I use (other people don't need them, so no worries if it isn't up your alley). If I were in your shoes, whenever he tries to engage with you, I'd imagine him pulling out his penis and asking you to stroke it. Graphic, I know, but at the core that's what is underneath the interaction. And your feelings - you could imagine that you are injecting yourself with an addictive drug. Whenever you feel tempted to think about him, you could literally roll up your sleeve and snap a rubber band on your arm, like a heroin addict. Like I said, some people don't need these tricks but I found them helpful. If you do too, you could ask for more from other users. I had tons. It didn't solve the underlying problem but it helped in the moment, and kept me from further romanticizing the interactions.

Regarding IC, it's extremely helpful but neither necessary nor sufficient. You can make a lot of progress figuring out your whys and better coping mechanisms even if the IC is minimal or short term. You have so much going in your favor already - honesty, not being defensive, understanding that you are at a point that might do serious damage. You can build on that. Journaling, reading Not Just Friends, and SI are all good tools.

sorry it's so long! I hope you found something helpful in there. I don't mind if you don't respond, I know you have a lot going on so don't feel obliged. It helps me to write things out because I often see a new angle on my own stuff.

[This message edited by Pippin at 7:43 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Emotional affairs do not have to be hot and heavy. You get a fix. An emotional need met. He (the AP) does too, hence why co-workers notice. Hence why flirting is involved for three years. So emotional need met with someone other than your husband =emotional affair.

Work on a timeline. How long has the flirting been going on. How many times have you done lunch. Met up in the parking lot or water cooler just to chat with each other. If you have his number. If any gifts were exchanged, pictures together taken at office parties....things like that.

I will be rehearsing all weekend how to word things so I am truthful but don’t hurt him. eta - hurt him as little as possible, I should say

Do NOT try to hurt him as little as possible. Trying to avoid hurting him will hurt him even more, especially since you won't know how to answer his questions as honestly as you say you wish to.

You don't have the right to be discretionary with him any more. Rehearsing is just silly, and will also come across as unnatural and... well... rehearsed.

The longer you take to tell him, the harder it'll be for him to deal with.

The longer you take to tell him will also make it that much harder to actually push yourself to tell him.

Don't procrastinate. How do you expect to have any sort of safeguards that you adhere to as it gets harder to fight temptation if you're maintaining the secrecy?

How do you expect to do the avoid continuing to do the wrong thing (and more) if you won't even do the right thing.

Just take a deep breath and plunge into the deep end. Stop whining about why you can't. Just do it.

Do it tonight. Don't sugarcoat it. Be upfront.

If you actually care as much as you say about your husband then you'll want him to heal. The longer you wait, the longer it'll take before he can heal.

Justsomelady

I love my spouse.

Do you? If this is true it would be the only filter you need. Whenever temptations come along run them through this filter. If you truly love your spouse you will always ask "How do my thoughts and behaviors prove my love for my spouse. If they don't, then you need to change your thoughts and behaviors to the point they comply with the following:

I love my spouse.

The longer you take to tell him, the harder it'll be for him to deal with.

This is so very true. If there is one thing spouses hate more than being cheated on, it is being lied to after the fact and manipulated with lies of omission. I learned that the hard way. It destroys much more than just the relationship. Do you truly believe a betrayed spouse sees it as you trying to not hurt them as opposed to you trying to get away with it or keeping a faithful partner while you weren't? Betrayed spouses will see one thing...you lied through your ass to keep something a wayward spouse isn't entitled to which just equals selfish and manipulative. Cheating is having the affair and cheating is still lying about it afterward. You cheat them out of their life and the freedom to make informed choices. It is keeping a caged bird. That isn't a marriage. It is just tyranny.

The major thing you shouldn't do when you tell is blame it on them or the marriage.

BH here.

Enough people have smacked you upside the head, so I won't do that. What I do want to help you do is ask yourself what it is about the OM that would make you stray from your husband.

If I may ask, are you physically and sexually attracted to your husband? If so, what is it about him that you find more attractive than other men? If you are not or no longer attracted to him, then why do you think that is?

Is the OM more physically attractive than your husband? If so how? If not, then what aspects of his character override his lack of attractiveness?

Do you consider your husband to be your mate and lover, or just a friend and co-parent?

Is your husband emotionally supportive of you? Is he emotionally accessible?

You claim that you love your husband and that he has helped you get through many of the issues from your past. He has been there for you and you for him, so I am having a hard time understanding the emotional disconnect. Usually these hardships bring a couple closer together.

I am wondering if a lot of your affair has to do with escapism. Escape from the drudgery and humdrum of everyday married life (which we all experience by the way), escape from the deaths and misfortunes of family members, escape from your husband's mental and emotional issues...etc.

There may be more healthy ways to escape the turmoil in your life than by cheating on your marriage, and it is those things you need to look for.

.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:21 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

Justsomelady, I'll write a bit more of things I wish I knew a long time ago. It might or might not apply to you, no worries if it doesn't.

I'm thinking about what SaddestDad wrote. It is important that you are honest, truthful, and don't lie, hide, minimize, deflect, or blame him in any way. When I wrote that you should take care with your words, I didn't mean in ANY way to not be honest and truthful. You must be, even if it is hard for you and painful for him.

Here's where I find it a bit tricky, and I would welcome any BS or WS opinions because I think about this a lot. The truth is easy - the facts of the situation are clear. You and your co-worker engaged in conversations and interactions that you would not have done in front of your spouses, on a regular basis. You began to look forward to those interactions and you are worried about what that means. You are stopping the interactions. This has happened before, and you want to really understand and repair what it is in you that led to it.

But being honest is harder. You can be perfectly honest and say things that lead to a misunderstanding of the truth. For example - this is from my own experience - I said "the affair had nothing to do with you." What my husband heard was "you are so unimportant to me that I will engage in activities that are extremely hurtful to you without thinking of you." Ouch. What I MEANT was "The affair was not your fault, you couldn't have prevented it and you can't fix it BUT you and our marriage are SO important to me that I will do everything in my power to change the parts of me that led to the affair and keep you and our marriage central in my life."

There are a bunch of threads in General that are "stupid things waywards say" or variations on that and many (not all) of the stupid things are things that I think were honestly meant but coming from a place of very distorted thinking and misunderstanding about how they would be heart. I don't mean to suggest that you lie, minimize, or hide to spare his feelings, but think about how he will hear it and make sure what you are saying is fully truthful, and drill down into what's underneath statements where you mean one thing and he hears another.

Another thing to take care with - your feelings are liars. You may honestly feel something but it is coming from a place of distorted thinking. So this:

I like to think he is noble, as I’ve observed him to be with others, and is a funny, smart, confident guy.

Is your feelings making him out to be a better person than he really is, because then the ego-kibbles that he feeds you are worth more. Fortunately, you haven't totally lost touch with reality

But can’t be too noble if he is so interested in me and we both have kids and spouses.

No kidding!

But it's a good clue for YOU to figure out what you need, not because of who that man is (he's by definition a jerk if he's looking to married women for attention). Confidence is one's sense of their own power. I think it speaks to what you need that it's what you are drawn to. You don't have a sense of your own power and you probably think your husband doesn't have a sense of his own power. So build yourself up, and build up your husband. True confidence comes from clearly seeing one's value and one's contribution. If you see that, you'll see past his pseudo-confidence.

For your husband - it might help for a while to put him on a throne (so to speak). To show him that he is your highest priority, at any time of day or night. For a while I called and texted my husband regularly, hourly, to let him know I was thinking of him. Our sex life went into overdrive which means a lot to him. I slacked off at home, at work, in my social life so that I could be super attentive to him (it was fine, the kids ate a lot of takeout and had babysitters so we could be alone together or I could travel with him, I got by at work doing the minimum, the house was untidy. None of that matters when you are building your marriage, and I'm fixing up the other stuff now that my husband is more secure).

You'll figure out what your husband needs. He might want to talk about it a lot and know what you are learning and thinking. He might want to never talk about it and you can figure out how often to bring it up (weekly? monthly?) to let him know that he is still your priority, you are fixing yourself, and a strong marriage is what you want. I hope that he shares enough of his feelings and insecurities you can be both proactive and responsive - but if he doesn't, you can read about the BS/male perspective in general on SI to stay in the ballpark on how he's feeling and thinking.

Anwyay, enough for now :) The process with your husband may be messy. He may be hurt and scared, you may doubt why you are blowing things up, and you may wonder if you did the right thing. From where I'm sitting, it looks like you have a big opportunity to face up to and fix yourself without doing the horrible damage that a further EA or a PA can cause, so that's a blessing. And you have a lot going for you, as I said before. Honesty, not being defensive, finding support on SI, etc. I hope you can lean into it and use it as a chance to find a more emotionally intimate marriage and deeper self awareness.

Sure there are things I get annoyed about but it isn’t too bad, he’ll get stubborn but can eventually see my side of an issue, we’ll both get overwhelmed and make excuses about stuff around house and OM can fix anything, is a doer, so I think that captured my attention. I admire that sort of initiative and his boldness in his profession. I think he represents a lot of things I wish H felt empowered to do and and for myself too, for a different way that I could be.

Women are attracted to men who are self confident. Your OM's self confidence is magnified because he is basking in the glow of having his wife and you admire him. That admiration and desire does wonders for a guy's confidence.

In what ways can you help your husband with his self confidence? How can you make him know that you have his back even if his world goes south on him?

We guys often feel like we are failing our wives and children. I know I do. Either its because we aren't making enough money as the next guy, we aren't climbing the ladder at work, or we aren't able to keep up with our wives socially or sexually, or that we are always somehow falling behind our wives' expectations.

Update - we had a harrowing few days with the visit and my revelation, but lots of hope. My husband is in a lot of pain over his friend, but he actually was incredibly calm and understanding about my disclosure. He thanked me for telling him and told me it will be ok, that he believes my commitment to him. He did look me straight on and said if I ever went any further or if this became a recurring thing with this guy, he would not be able to reconcile. I understand that.

We are both going to move heaven and earth and ask for help so we can each get therapy. We have both been depressed off and on. My brother is a saint and is going to help me out with that for six months, as a gift and not a loan. I have found a lot of wisdom in reading books recommended here at SI and also on the blog Living with Limerence - highly recommend the site.

I am focusing each day on what qualities I love about my husband. I have been avoiding the guy at work and don’t feel the zing anymore when I see him - it was hard at first but I’ve really been reminding myself why he is shitty and it has been working. I just feel really embarrassed when I see him now. Cringe rather than butterfly flutters. He has given me some quizzical looks and said a couple comments like “hey stranger” when we are around each other, but I limit the interactions and avoid him and don’t give him time to talk. He gets it. He looks a little pissed off with me sometimes but he hasn’t tried to come after me and convince me, etc.

I am vocal each day about what I admire in my husband. I am working on building our connection, my own appreciation of him, and his confidence. I have found a meet up group that does a hobby he used to love and have encouraged him to Check it out. I think it will help him with his confidence to do that activity again.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 7:29 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

It is quite simple. YOU STOP.

You know this. You know better. You are choosing to do it anyway.

How you distract yourself is up to you. I strongly caution you to find a healthy or at least not hurtful [to yourself or others] technique.

Let's face it. We are ALL human and open to temptation. We could ALL choose to blur lines, cross boundaries, justify bad behaviors. Some of us CHOOSE not to. Some of us learn [from their past] to recognize behaviors and then change them.

New, shiny and exciting things are out there everywhere. They are tempting Spend that time, effort and energy polishing what you have already - they'll shine too.

Chaos, see my recent posts for updates as no, I am not choosing to do it anyway now. but yes agree completely about focusing on what you have and putting attention there as the “shiny” new objects are everywhere and deceiving. I don’t think I agree the solution is simple....for me and a lot of others it seems the stop is a whole process rather than a simple “halt.” I am definitely getting tools to do that better- grass is greener where you water it - but wouldn’t be here if it weren’t complicated for me. I think think the “simple”mental stop sign is something I am growing within me by using the resources described above so that I can access it faster and filter new temptations through better in the future.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 11:33 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

Thank you for sharing your struggle with the zing and the slow but steady progress with reframing the OM. It took courage to confess to your husband. I wish you both well.

How to stop giving in to limerence?

You control your thinking. The problem is not that these external people are so special; rather, the problem is what you do with your reactions.

I didn't like dating, but I immediately took to living with my W (it was 1967 - minimal co-habiting before M), and there were so many girls around who looked interesting and sexy. I realized I'd go crazy and lose my W unless I did something to keep myself from thinking about all the woman around.

The method I ended up with was to notice the women, but as soon as I noticed any sexual feeling or thought, I consciously thought about my W; after a few weeks, that became automatic. IOW, I view the world, to some extent, as 'lots of sexy women, one sexual partner.' That worked for me.

Later I developed a boundary of never saying or doing anything with someone that I didn't want my W to see and hear. That worked, too.

You have to figure out your own boundaries. The one thing I would urge you to do is to understand that the power is in you. You're not a victim of someone else's looks or tone of voice or way of carrying himself or anything else.

The best boundaries allow you to be yourself and the person you want to be. It's like dieting - if dieting mean depriving yourself of a certain food, it's going to be hard to keep the diet.

If you view fidelity as depriving yourself of something you want ... I can't imagine how hard that would be. If you view fidelity as one way of expressing the real you, it'll be easy.

A good IC and good friends and SI can help.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:29 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

@justsomelady

I’m just going back and reading through a few forums I missed. I’m happy to read that you were able to confide in your husband and you are working through your temptation and Limerence struggle.

This is a struggle of mine as well. I didn’t even realize Limerence was a thing and something defined before I found SI. I recently downloaded a book on this topic and am reading it along with resources you spoke of as well.

My EA did turn into a PA. Continue to control your thoughts. I know it can be very difficult. EA’s are just as destructive as PA’s. Continue to seek support as well. You’re not alone.

Justsomelady,

I'm so happy for you that you told your husband about your feelings for your co-worker. Good for you that you didn't engage in a PA.

I told my BS about my affair, but then I rug-swept and it took me years to bring out the whole story. I'm still working on my "WHYS". I just want to caution you to keep the lines of communication open with your husband, so you'll remain close.

Again, I'm so happy for you.

Your choice seems to be a simple one. Your shiny, new, exciting guy who you really do not know. (All you know is that he is willing to go after a married woman with kinds while betraying his own wife and kids).

Or your husband, who you do know and say you love.

Your husband has told you you can not have both. So choose. I think that your husband is going to be watching you for a while and if he seeing that you are still enamored of your "work husband", he will make the choice for you.

I would.