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I posted my story on reddit and many of them pointed me to this forum. So I am here... i found out on July 5th that she has been sexting and meeting up with another man. I saw a Snapchat thread of pictures, videos, and conversations that I can never unsee. Very hardcore stuff. They talked about me in disrespectful ways. They talked about coming up with plans of telling me and talking about leaving me. She was talking about how great it would be to wake up next to him everyday. She said she never wanted to get married and that having a daughter complicates things (as far as just leaving). She said she loved him.

When I confronted her, she admitted she’s been cheating. She said they only actually had 3 physical interactions and that most of the sexting and talking was during the day when I was at work on Snapchat. I went through our Verizon bill log and she has been texting this dude for over three months there too. I couldn’t go back any further to see how long they had been texting. Almost every day and all day long. Even as I slept next to her at night. Thousands of texts (yes thousands). The weird thing is that there were several instances where her moms number was sandwiched in between the other mans number, then there was a time lapse of no texts at all and then moms number again and then the guy’s number again. Im not detective but this looks like this means she was dropping our daughter off during the day to meet up with this guy and picking her back up before I get home. I don’t know if only 3 times is just as bad as 10, 15, or 20 times. Because cheating is cheating, but it feels like it’s so much worse if that’s the case and she’s still not coming clean about it. I’m gathering that this was a full blown cheating operation she held with this guy for months and it’s much more than she’s letting on. Totally stone sober, knowing what she was doing. It makes me wonder how many other guys there has been?

After I confronted her she lost it. She said she cut all ties and blocked the guy. She told me she wants to fix this and it was all a mistake. She also said that this was all a fantasy to her and that everything that was said was just what he wanted to hear. I find all of that hard to believe. She had to be emotionally connected with this guy. She sees a therapist tomorrow..

I’m wrecked. Don’t know what to do. The messages, pictures, and videos I saw are running through my head. I feel like I don’t even know this person I’ve been with for 10 years. I go through paralyzing bouts of sadness and anger.

Any input appreciated Thanks.

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So backstory here is I haven’t always been good with expressing my feelings vocally. The wife has always suffered from anxiety. Those two things made it difficult for us at times. But we always worked through it. A couple years ago I had a really hard time at work. I drank a lot. So we were fighting a lot back then. I sought out a therapist to get my drinking under control and to learn how to be more vocal about my feelings. And she went and got put on meds to control her anxiety. Things were actually going good (I thought) for a while. Fast forward to 2019. We had a friend that went through a divorce at the beginning of this year. Her and her 2 kids lived in our basement for a couple months while they got back on their feet. This was my wife’s idea. Then she found out that another one of her friends has cancer and is dying.

So with talking to her lately, it sounds like she is using those things as reasoning for losing it and cheating. she said she still resents me for when I was struggling with drinking and expressing my feelings, plus the people living in our basement, plus her friend dying of cancer caused her head to spin. So she says this is all her fault but then she’s saying this is why she did it.

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Counselor update:

She went and saw a counselor. Then yesterday we both went in to see the counselor Together. So it seems he understands why she held this affair with another man. She was going through a lot (as mentioned above) and I wasn’t the person she needed emotionally. She said I wasn’t there for her. They kept bringing up she still resented me for when I was drinking and that me being drunk when things were bad with me was betraying her trust. So the betrayal of me drinking is the same as a betrayal of cheating in some sense. He said it was an outlet for her. Drinking was my outlet when things were bad with me. Huh??? So getting drunk is the same thing as cheating and having a 3+ month long affair? How is that even comparable? I felt like I was high at this meeting.

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The man she had an affair with... was in my graduating class in highschool. Never said a word to him, we weren’t friends and didn’t have the same friends. It was a big school. He was basically gifted his fathers company that has since exploded into success. He’s a big shot CEO that has his own airplane. Always traveling. But he’s here a lot too, where his company is. I found out who his girlfriend was and contacted her on the only place I could find her. Instagram. I told her that i had something to tell her regarding her boyfriend and my wife. She responded at midnight. I was in bed. Then 2 hours later she responded again with “I talked to my boyfriend. There’s no need to continue this convo, I truly wish you the best” and then she blocked me. It’s clear she’s fine with what he’s doing, and surely my wife isn’t the only side piece he has.

Also for those who are wondering I did get tested for STDs today. I should find out results by Wednesday or Thursday.

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In response to Ramius- her fantasy was being raped. Dominated. Used. And now I will say she was in fact raped by an ex boyfriend many years ago before I met her. The word “rape” has always been a touchy subject with her. We see anything close to a rape in a movie and she’s fucked up for a week. The man and her were using this term open and freely in the messages I saw. She was telling him I wasn’t aggressive enough. Please tell me community, how would you have sex with your wife who was raped? Very careful to be too rough right? I wish I could just post the whole Snapchat on here to show you exactly just how nasty they were talking... she told me that she needed me to be more aggressive sometimes, I’d try to do that, but always In the back of my mind not too rough because of her past. Apparently I couldn’t be rough enough..

[This message edited by JA1982 at 4:35 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

JA1982,

Sorry you are here. It sucks!

My advice to you is:

1. Do the 180 (see the healing library)

2. Take care of yourself first and your daughter.

3. Don't believe anything you WW says. Watch her actions.

4. Demand 100% honesty and accountability from her.

5. Find out exactly who this OM is and tell his spouse/girlfriend if he has one.

6. Marriage counselors are for the marriage. Seems you need individual counseling first to help you figure out if attempting a reconciliation is what you want first before agreeing for her to attempt to fix herself and the marriage.

Good luck. You will need to be strong for yourself and your daughter.

P.S. my dday was 5 weeks ago and I have two daughters - 8 and 5.

Nice try, but yeah...not the same at all!

It sounds like she has a counselor that is on board with blaming you for her affair and allowing her to re-write your marriage. There is no excuse, no reasoning that is acceptable. Except maybe that your W is a morally bankrupt person who is ok with betraying her best friend and husband.

Tell them both (your W and her IC) that you've "seen too much", you've "read too much" and you've been disrespected too much that you think it would be better for the other man to have the POS you used to call a wife. Then walk out the door straight to your lawyer's office to file the D papers.

also talk to WW mother. You have to know what she told her mom when she left the baby with her. Pretty uncaring stuff to act like that when you are at work. Also do your other things like job even better.It helps to have a sense of achievement in the midst of this mess and also it looks sexy to keep your head up. Right now WW is your adversary and interact with her accordingly

That counselor is shit. Don't go back. Sounds like he sent away to Marvel Comics for some x-ray glasses and got a joke diploma instead.

You see, she cheated because she wanted to.

Did you cheat that time she forgot to buy milk? What about the time she had the gall to put the toilet paper on the roll the wrong way around?

See what I'm getting at? You're married. You don't cheat when things get rough. Pretty straight forward.

She doesn't like being married to a drunk? Then you tell the drunk to choose booze or marriage, but not both - that you'll stay to help quit the booze and leave if necessary, but you don't cheat.

The reason she cheated is because she CHOSE to. She needs to figure out why she thinks that's a reasonable response.

I'm sorry, buddy, but there's almost certainly more that you haven't learned yet.

Right now, you need to get some emotional distance from her so you can take care of yourself and get thinking straight. Eat plenty of high-calorie, nutritious food even though you don't feel like it. Drink LOTS of water, but NO BOOZE - it doesn't help. Exercise - A LOT - it helps you think, helps you sleep and helps keep you out of jail.

Read up on the 180 and implement it - it's not for her or your marriage - it's for YOU:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Maybe start thinking about whether or not YOU want to fix this regardless of what she wants.

There isn't any point in joint counseling if this is a deal breaker for you. Her reasons don't matter if you don't want to be married to her anymore. She cheated, you don't owe her a chance to fix it.

So it seems he understands why she held this affair with another man. She was going through a lot (as mentioned above) and I wasn’t the person she needed emotionally.

With keen insight and figuring people out this counselor seems to be wasting his time being a therapist. Why would he let so many crimes go unsolved if he could prevent them in the first place !(Heavy Sarcasm)

Seriously. It is way too soon to begin to get to real why with why your W did this. Ask him then since she had an A then it would be ok for you to go back to drinking again ? Or have an A yourself ? I mean you have a lot of life stress now and have clear examples that your W isn't supporting you. Further she was telling another man how she actually feels about you. She did not mean it ? Ok, so when exactly is she telling the truth and to whom?

Her A and your drinking. No neither is "right," and they can't be equated to a direct causal relationship. Two individuals that both have free agency and made "choices." Not mistakes. Choices to engage in these behaviors. It is not the middle ages. The old "devil" made me do it doesn't fly in the modern age. Although we've come up with new names to replace the "devil."

She made a choice to have an A. Actually hundreds of them she should of have stopped at any moment. Why didn't she ? It she felt she was justified why hide it ? While circumstances made her behavior minimally understandable, not excusable. It was still her choice and she needs to understand why she choose the most destructive path possible to cope with her life. If her life with you was so bad why didn't she choose the multiple other options to fix and or extract herself from the situation? The truth is her life wasn't that bad. She wanted to do this and afterwards the guilt got to her. If she wanted to still see herself as a person of integrity and character she needed "excuses," to retain her positive self image. It is called "cognitive dissonance." Feel free to look it up.

Sorry man. I get riled up when I hear another therapist trying to blame the Betrayed spouse for choices that their wayward spouse makes. This IC/MC isn't holding your W accountable. It is a hallmark of a bad one that doesn't hold their clients accountable and reinforces the victim mindset.

Further it sounds like you've owned up to your weakness with respect to the drinking and sought help to fix or mitigate it. She, right now, has not done that. Her behavior of blaming everyone, but herself, and minimizing the very cruel behavior's impacts on you indicate that. Right now she is saying that you wreaked her car so she gets top stab you in the heart ? WTF. Seriously don't play that game.

I'd suggest no more couples counseling. Find an individual counselor and highly suggest she find a different one too. This one. . .let's just say I have a bad feeling about this one. He is already helping her avoid responsibility for her actions and putting them back on you. No counselor worth their salt would agree this is the "right" approach to infidelity. Marriage issues can be closer to 50-50. Inifidelity is 100% on the wayward spouse.

You weren't there for her ? Well, maybe you drank more than you should have because she did not support you when you had a rough time at work. You see how those arguments lose validity really quick when examined?

Find an IC. Do not do MC at this time. You need to figure out what your feelings really are and what parts hurt you the most. Not fun, but really the only way forward to "normal" again.

Keep reading and keep posting.

This counsellor is garbage. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Just as others have said in replying to your thread.

You went and tried to fix your problem. You actively sought a positive process. She cheated. Because she wanted to. It's 100% + on her. You played no part in it at all. Not one little smidgeon.

In adultery all of the responsibility is on the cheater. Marital issues are shared in some proportion. Not necessarily 50:50. Again, you went and actively pursued a positive solution. She didn't because she didn't want to. Opportunity, desire, don't think will get caught = fuck another man. Many times.

I like the suggestion Tron made. And this from Murkywaters:

She cheated, you don't owe her a chance to fix it.

However, you don't have to make any decisions about whether to R or D just yet. It's best to not make any life altering decisions when emotional. If you're like me right now your very emotional. You don't have to R and you don't have to D. You get to choose which is best for you. You do need to get out of adultery.

Check with a lawyer immediately to determine what the rules for D are where you live. Knowledge is power. You might even file and have her served. The shock and awe of that can bring reality to the cheater. It isn't recommended by all here on SI, though.

By the way fucking a guy isn't a fantasy or a daydream. It is real life. Real action. Real intent. Not an erotic dream in the slightest. How do you know that all contact has been cut off for sure. Apparently many say that but often continued contact is the reality and is driven underground.

Do you know if your WW's AP is married or in a permanent relationship? If so, tell the other betrayed spouse (OBS). Don't tell your WW you are going to do so because they will often set up a bullshit story about you being unbalanced and paranoid.

I'm so sorry you're here but, given the circumstances, it's a really good club that no one wanted to join.

So it seems he understands why she held this affair with another man. She was going through a lot (as mentioned above) and I wasn’t the person she needed emotionally. She said I wasn’t there for her. They kept bringing up she still resented me for when I was drinking and that me being drunk when things were bad with me was betraying her trust. So the betrayal of me drinking is the same as a betrayal of cheating in some sense. He said it was an outlet for her. Drinking was my outlet when things were bad with me.

It is often said here on SI that a BH should not participate in MC until the WW has fixed herself. This is one of the several reasons why. Most MC's are shyte at dealing with infidelity. The classic MC script is to try to convince the BS to rug-sweep the A in some way, often (as in your case) by assisting the WW in blame-shifting.

Simply put, climbing on another man's dick is not the same as drinking.

I suggest you go to The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of page) and read about The 180. This is a technique to give yourself some psychological space so that you can start finding your heart's truth.

I hope, by the way, that you saved copies of those emails and texts. You will almost certainly want to review them at some point, and you may want to use them as ammunition in a divorce if it comes to that.

Im not detective but this looks like this means she was dropping our daughter off during the day to meet up with this guy and picking her back up before I get home.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, etc. How many instances of this patter do you see? That is likely the minimum number of times they had sex.

You'll want to be trying to figure out (a) whether you want R or D, and (b) whether she is a candidate for R or D. I would not believe her when she tells you she is NC with the POSOM. Keep in mind that her default has been to lie to you and sneak behind your back, routinely, for a long period of time. She will not instantly change into an honorable and honest woman. You should assume that everything coming from her mouth about the A is a lie at this point.

Do not have sex with her until both of you have been tested for STD's.

If she asks for a chance at R, tell her at a minimum that she must start with a detailed written timeline of the A, cross-linked to the texts and in particular to the patterns you've found where she dropped your daughter with her mother so she could fuck this guy.

She told me she wants to fix this and it was all a mistake.

Do NOT let her get away with using "mistake". A "mistake" is something inadvertent, like you accidentally use baking soda instead of baking powder. Or you put the check for the electrical bill into the envelope for the water bill, and vice versa. An affair is a choice, or rather a series of choices. She chose to have inappropriate communications with a man who was not her husband. She chose to formulate disrespectful comments about you, in messages to him. She chose to meet him in person, to take off her panties, and to let him stick his dick in her (I would be a lot of money it was without protection). She made literally thousands of individual decisions and choices to disrespect you, to lie to you, to break your marital vows.

Which leads me back to your bullshit MC. Do not waste any more time or money seeing that clown. Your WW is not a safe partner to you. Unless and until she figures out what was broken in her moral compass to enable her to make the choices she made, she will not be in a position to even try R with you.

I agree with the above about outing the A. If the POSOM is married, tell his BOW right away. Don't tell your WW in advance that you plan to do this.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:36 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Adding to the excellent replies above...:

- Get her and you tested for STD

- Ask for NC

- Ask for all passwords

- Contact the OBS (to reinforce what others have said)

- Ask for a complete written timeline, for this affairs and all previous affairs (if applicable)

Beware that when a WS is "in love", they don’t easily and abruptly end their affairs. She might still be in it. Installing a VAR or two might be a good idea.

Edit: your WW is a bit original because they almost always say "only twice". They say that so many times, it’s unbelievable. She says 3, she meant 30.

Keep posting.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:52 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

So it was all just fantasy? Well let’s break that down. What exactly is she fantasizing about?

Not being with you.

Not thrilled with having a kid with you.

Degrading you verbally to him

Wanting to leave you.

Wanting to be with him.

Being in love with him.

Look man. No amount of pretty words from a therapist is going to rationalize what she has said about you. Let alone what she was done with him.

IMO that is the real her. Unfiltered. Brutally honest. She did not have to trash talk you to keep him interested. That’s total bullshit. All she had to do was spread her legs and open her mouth. That’s what he was looking for, sex, nothing else. All the stuff she said, that was the cherry on top for her benefit.

180

STD test for both of you

If you are thinking of staying with her consider a polygraph. If not save your money.

Keep records. Everything you have. Texts. Pics. All of it. Does your state have At Fault divorce?

So glad you came here also. I read your reddit post. As others have said, she made no mistake. She made conscious decision after decision after decision to engage in an A. She consciously put you down to make POSOM look better in her eyes so she could continue with her A. Now that her fantasy has imploded, she is begging for forgiveness. Went to an a worthless IC counselor that patted her on the back saying that in her mind she was ok with the cheating rather then holding her accountable for her actions. No wonder why you felt ganged upped on. Now it's time to change that. Demand a new IC that will hold her accountable for her poor decisions. Digging into her whys that really allowed her to cheat on you. If she truly cheated because you felt with your issues through drinking, what is to stop her for rationalizing that she can cheat because you sneeze wrong. Dont let this happen. Place yourself in high value. Either she tries to figure her shit out or your out the door.

I'm sorry you find yourself here JA1982.

I agree with others, dump this counselor, this guy sounds like a crappy IC.

One other thing, the message on Instagram from the other betrayed spouse sounds like your message was intercepted by the AP and he wrote you back, said everything is fine then blocked you. You WW told her AP that you knew, he was on high alert, took his GF's phone on the middle of the night and replied to your message, likely deleted the message and blocked you. You need to find another way to contact her and blow up his world.

I am sorry you are here and this is happening to you. You are getting and will get good advice from many folks who have been through it all and then some. Take what applies to you and makes sense for your situation.

Cheaters usually follow a certain path. Lying, trickle truthing, gaslighting, blameshifting, etc. Sometimes you never know everything. But you know enough.

It is too soon for you to know for sure whether your wife will end up being remorseful or not and eventually become a safe partner for you or not. That takes time for you to observe her ACTIONS. Words don't mean much. For now please read up in the Healing Library on the yellow tab at the upper left of this website. Also read the Tactical Primer and Important Information For Newbies at the top of the Just Found Out forum.

The therapist is doing more harm than good if he is explaining away the affair by blaming you for it. I suggest getting a different therapist. There are many people who are under stress every day in life and in their marriage and yet it does not make them cheat. Cheating is a selfish choice, a choice to betray the emotional and sexual bond of intimacy that is promised only to the spouse. Marriage problems in and of themselves are shared by the marital partners, but adultery is 100% on the person who cheats. It is not your fault that your wife cheated. That does not mean you can't improve as a husband. It simply means there is never an excuse that makes cheating acceptable.

Whatever you do, PLEASE DO NOT DO THE PICK ME DANCE! I highlight this because you mentioned that you used to have a drinking problem that is being blamed for the affair and that you were being trash-talked by your wife and that the affair partner is a rich bigshot with his own airplane. So you may be tempted or inclined to do the "pick me" dance where you sweep the affair under the rug and try to win your wife back by doing everything you can to romance her and gain her love and respect back. As many of us can attest on here who did exactly that, IT DOES NOT WORK. She should be trying to win you back. You are the prize. She should be aware that there is a very real possibility of losing you forever and if she wants to be with you then she is the one who should be doing the "pick me" dance because now you have every reason to divorce her. Know your worth. Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library. The 180 is not to punish your wife, it is to keep you out of infidelity and allow you to make good decisions going forward.

this is my personal opinion. If the big shot is not approachable/girl friend does not care, I would go to a gathering where he is the center of attention and confront him (or let it be known who he is in the circles). This guy may be a public figure and need the good opinion of others

[This message edited by goalong at 4:38 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Hello, JA1982. Welcome to SI, the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

Please take a few moments and read the two threads pinned to the top of Just Found Out forum. "The Tactical Primer" and "Newbies... important information-please read."

Also, take some time and check out "The Healing Library." You'll find a link in the yellow shaded area at the top-left of the page. Inside the library is an "Articles" section with dozens of essays written by veteran SI members.

She told me she wants to fix this and it was all a mistake.

Infidelity is not a mistake. It's a choice. It's a series of choices based upon a life-time of personal issues (such as anxiety), poor coping mechanisms and bad decision making. Whatever issues she has that lead her down that road are issues that have been tripping her up throughout most of her life.

Her choice to have an affair has absolutely nothing at all to do with you. Nothing you ever said or didn't say, nothing you ever did or didn't do, would have made any difference at all. I understand how difficult that might be to believe, because it's incredibly hard not to take this all personally. Be that as it may, trust me, friend, you didn't force her to cheat. She did that all on her own. Wayward spouses, often enough, will blame anyone and everything they can in order to justify what they know to be wrong, immoral acts.

Do not blame yourself.

Wayward spouses, often enough, will also lie and minimize. It's probably, though not certain, that there's far more to the story than your WW (wayward wife) is willing to admit. When you're ready, have her write out a time-line of the entire affair (when it started, how it started, how many times they met, had sex, etc.). There are two reasons for this. First, it will force her to address what happened from start to finish. Second, it will give you the basic information you will need to move forward. Let her know that "trickle truth" is unacceptable and that with each new piece of information it resets the clock.

Has your WW ever sought out professional help regarding her being raped? From what you've written it doesn't sound as if she has. This is going to be a huge issue that she's going to have to resolve for her own sake (as if that wasn't obvious ).

I’m wrecked. Don’t know what to do.

JA, for most people the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock to the system and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. Of course you feel wrecked. Most of us do.

You're immediate goal right now is to start putting yourself back together. That means focusing on you and your recovery. It's going to take a long time, brother. I'd say it took me a good 10 months before I felt as if I'd recovered. It might take you less or more time. Much of that will depend upon you and how to take care of yourself.

Drink lots of water. You're mind and body are apt to be in hyperdrive for a while. Stay hydrated!

Eat small, healthy meals when you can. Most BSs (betrayed spouses) will lose a lot of weight very quickly because we simply cannot eat. I lost over 30lbs in about two months.

"Hit the gym!" I know it's a cliché, but the endorphins and hormones will be tremendously helpful to your recovery and healing.

Get as much rest and sleep as you can. If you can't sleep, try some mild OTC sleep aids. If those don't work, consult your primary care physician. Don't be afraid to let him know what's going on with you. He's likely heard it all before (especially if he's an older doctor).

Keep reading and keep posting. I'm quite certain that you'll find tremendous wisdom, support and guidance here on SI.

Sending strength, brother.

* On a rather technical note... there are two "post reply" buttons at the top and bottom of each thread. It will be much easier for members to follow your story if you post a new reply each time you want to add to your story.

It's possible the GF never saw the snapchat message. The OM may have intercepted it on her phone and responded to you.

I went through our Verizon bill log and she has been texting this dude for over three months there too. I couldn’t go back any further to see how long they had been texting. Almost every day and all day long.

I believe you can read texts online (go to your verizon account - click text online) not sure how far they go back.

So drinking is that same as an affair? Ditch the counselor. They don't have a clue what they're talking about. Seriously, that counselor is going to stop your wife from taking ownership of her mess. Don't allow her to slither off the hook and don't allow anybody, especially a supposed counselor/psychologist to help her slither away. If she doesn't take ownership, she'll do it again but with more fervor because she can just point to you as the culprit.

Sorry to hear about your situation JA1982.

Your wife is f'd up, plain and simple. She's a mental nightmare. There must have been signs (like the supposed 'rape' story) all along but you ignored them. She also knew that the other man wasn't going to stay with her; he's obviously doing this with other women too and she likely knows it. Now that her cover is blown she's going to say and do anything to get you to sweep this under the rug and continue to take care of her. And know this too, your suspicions are correct in that she's been with this guy much more than 3 months and she's been screwing/blowing him every time there's a pause in the texts. My ex had the exact same pattern to the point I was able to put a timeline together within 15 minutes of accuracy every time they were hooking up.

I know that you're in a lot of pain right now but you need to realize that this will only be the first time you catch her. As you're aware, you'll never know if there have been other men and you're never going to be able to fully know who she's talking to or when she'll spread her legs for the next guy.

As the pain moves into anger, you should resolve to take your life back. For some that means divorcing the baggage that's bringing your life down. For others it means pushing forward with your life and allowing the baggage to drag itself behind you. Either way, taking your life back is the only way you're going to get your pride and sense of purpose back. It's got to be about you and what you want now. She made her choices, now it's your turn to make yours.

Nothing you did or could have done caused her to cheat. This is 100% on her. She brought this mindset into the relationship. She lied to you at the alter and has been lying the entire marriage. This is her problem, not yours. You are the normal one; she is the mentally screwed up one. There's nothing that you need to do to fix this. She's the one who broke the marriage and lied to you. She's fully and solely responsible for rebuilding what she destroyed.

Now is the time you should be taking care of yourself. Your future plans are blown at this point so you need to make new ones and set new goals apart from her. You are the prize. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

She was raped but her sexual fantasies include those same situations and she feels you are not “aggressive” enough.

I think you cannot win in this case. If you are sexually aggressive (as she said in the emails or texts) she won’t like it and it will be detrimental to you and your marriage. If you are the same as you always were then she will complain about that too.

I have no advice for you but to get yourself a good counselor just for you. I’m sorry 😐 you are in this position. Infidelity is bad enough but now you have other issues added to it.